Never Yours

“Okay Miss Rushmore where would you like to start” Straight to the point I see.

“What makes you think it started with my real relationship” she gave a small smile

“Lorene gave me a brief explanation when the problem started” I released a heavy sigh. Lory is dead when I get out of here.

“He was my first everything. He took me on my first date, he was my first proper kiss he was the one who tainted me, he did things to my body, things I didn’t think were possible. things I wouldn’t have imagined I’d do.”

“Was he your first love?” I looked at the female in front of me. One thing that made me uncomfortable was being questioned it felt like I was being put on the spot.

“No. my first love was the most unlikely of people, I didn’t even think I would fall in love with him.” she gave me a confused look.

“Enlighten me then”. I gave a humorless laugh.

″I don’t need to tell you anything″ she smirked.

″You are correct you do not need to tell me anything, we can can sit here for the hour just looking at each other, whenever you are ready we can talk” curse her for sounding so calm.

“Maybe I should just tell you this from the beginning, from where I think it all started”

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"Xandie wake up, you don’t want to be late for your first day in high school” My mother had always woken me up since I was young. I practically died when I was asleep anything could be happening around me and I my sleep would not get disturbed.

“XANDIE!!”

But now even the tiniest sound startles me awake.

“okay! I’m up I’m up, and its my second year in high school Ma” I stretch as I get ready to face my own personal hell. Being a 15 year old who is a tad bit socially awkward wasn’t the best thing to work with at school. Last year was filled with bullies, detention and embarrassing stage fright moments, I don’t think this year would be any different it may however be worse.

I don’t have so many friends, five to be exact. I don’t have a boyfriend or any male friends, I have a huge unexplainable phobia towards that gender. I cant even stand next to a guy and not have an anxiety attack. okay so maybe I might be a lot socially awkward my friends would use the term talkative, which I am once I’m comfortable enough.

The first day I met him was 2 months before going to 10th grade. I met him because of one of my close friends, Nadim.

She had been avoiding his annoying ass for months and wanted me to take care of him. you see this is how most of my friends got help from me, I had what they called a ‘scary intimidating facials’ I would really just prefer calling it a resting bitch face. That’s why I maintain looking so scary as I don’t want any boy to get close to me. I guess that worked in my friends favor in chasing away unwanted male attention.

Nadim and Melissa would always take advantage of it. if they had a ’boy toy ’to get rid off I would ‘Kindly step in’ and tell the idiots to shove off.

With this one it was different he wasn’t Nadim’s boy toy but he was a normal guy asking her out. the problem was Nadim had started being very serious with her current boyfriend, they simply loved each other.

We scheduled a date where we would walk together so that I could meet the guy and ′get things in order’.

I remember that day so well he was wearing a black t-shirt with grey school slacks, his hair was cut to a neat length, he was standing with a group of friends and his voice sounded magnificent for a fifteen year old.

He didn’t even look like a fifteen year old, he stood very tall and there was this aura of dominance radiating off him. I felt my knees weaken and my heart pick up speed, My palms got sweaty. My eyes couldn’t tear away from the boy in front of me.

When our eyes met it seemed as if I would melt into the grovel, for a moment he seemed shocked and when he gained his composure his hazel brown eyes reflected mischief.

Nadim looked shocked as she witnessed what was happening and whispered harshly in my ear.

“I thought the plan was to tell him to back off not make googoo eyes at him Zee” my nickname sounding faint as I was still looking at this wonderful guy.

Nadim walked to him huffing and mumbling profanities in her cheeks, she came back with a love struck looking guy. The look was not directed at me, it was to Nadim.

“Zee meet Talon, the guy I told you about. Talon meet my friend Xandie” they guy smirked and took a step towards me, towering over my frame.

‘He must be huge’ I thought as I am pretty tall myself and I have to crane my neck to look at him.

“I hope she mentioned how good looking I am because you look stunned cupcake, never seen such perfection?” My walls came back up along with my bullshit detector. as cute as he was the idiot was cocky.

I’m sure my face morphed into a scowl, because Nadim quickly gripped my arm telling me to come down. She knew I had a sharp tongue when I got mad and as far as I know she only wanted the guy to back off not make him mad or anything.

Talon chuckled and looked right into my eyes almost as if he was daring me, Challenging me to say something towards him.

“Nadim. Does your friend suffer from a condition that prevents her to form words?" I swear my hand had a mind of it’s own my social anxiety flew out the window and my palm connected with his cheek. ‘Mental illness is not a joke!’ His group went quiet and Nadim looked shocked. They acted as if Talon couldn’t be touched, shouldn’t be touched.

He gave a sarcastic laugh and swiftly gripped my waist and roughly pulled my body against his, my struggles were in vain as he captured both my wrist in his other vacant hand. He bent down and softly nipped my ear making me freeze, he then whispered softly enough for me to hear.

“That was very bold shawty” I hated how I just met this idiot and he is already this close to me and to top it off he is making so many emotions run through my body at the same time none of them being fear.

“GET OFF ME YOU BIG JERK” Nadim was still standing there looking at us along with his group of friends. He let go of me and I immediately took 3 steps away from him.

“Stay away from Nadim and me you overgrown giant” I then span around and pulled Nadim away to the direction off home.

“Overgrown giant? Really that’s what you could come up with?” she smirked as she let me drag her away.

“Argh it was in the heat of the moment Nads” I respond running my hands through my hair.

"I’m sure it was” she rolls her eyes and bids me goodbye.

That night my dreams were filled with Talon and how good his lips felt against my ear.

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“Miss Jani your next client has been waiting for ten minutes” The Therapist’s assistants voice cut me from my story telling.

“I would recommend you to come back and clear all of this up, we gonna find the root of this okay?” I raised my eyebrows and scoffed.

“Look lady, I came here because my doctor (who is also my friend) made me. For some odd reason she thinks I’ll fall into depression again and besides I don’t have a choice because I want this damn degree to be recognized in the country...” a smile formed on her stupidly calm face.

‘Thank God I’m only required to be here for 20 sessions’

“I’m expecting to see you on Friday Ms. Rushmore” I grabbed my bag mumbling profanities while walking out, I turned to look at the next patient and found that she looked oddly familiar too familiar. I softly thanked the assistant and headed out to my car.

I had so many memories with this car both good and bad of course the bad was weighing down on the good- which is why I wanted to sell it so bad, plus it was a good excuse to get a new one anyway.

Pulling up in the drive-way and juggling grocery bags filled with ‘gross healthy food and less goodies’- words of Lorene. I was struggling with my house keys when a boy who looked about four years ran to the middle of the street reaching out for some floppy small black thing. I only realized it was a dog when the small boy gave out a cry for it to come back- curse my eye sight.

“Dot!! come back” the dog ran straight to my yard making me drop the groceries to get to it. The boy reluctantly came on the yard and cocked his head to the side almost as if he was trying to figure me out.

“Hey little man, what are you doing wandering alone in the street?” his whole curious face vanished and it molded into one of sadness.

“I was waiting for Winda when dot ran away” tears where gathering in his eyes. This ‘Winda’ lady was irresponsible. who leaves a child unattended? in the middle of nowhere.

“Do you wanna show me where you were waiting for mommy?” I gently stroked his head

“Nuh-uh. I don't remember. Winda don like it when I call her momma” he started sniffling a little, I gently picked him up and opened the door to my apartment. Being a student studying child psychology I already start looking for signs of the child being mistreated.

“Hey it’s okay don’t cry, I’ll try and call my friend and see if she can help find your parents okay?” he sniffled and nodded. I set him down on the couch and tiny footsteps trotted down the stairs.

“You have a dog too?” he squealed all sadness gone from his face.

“Yes her name is King, wanna play with her together with Dot?” he nodded and went to pick up my Chihuahua puppy and dot which looked like a black Schnoodle.

I felt a painful tug on my heart and tears gathering in my eyes as I saw the boy play with the two animals with a look of pure bliss, my hand went to my flat belly almost feeling a phantom brush of what should’ve been in there. Looking at this boy and visiting a therapist had re-surfaced memories that I wanted gone, memories I had buried with everything from my past, memories I buried with Andie.