UNCLE'S DIARY

CHAPTER 1 – UNCLE’S MURDER

“Ever realised how useless life is, the thought of actually drifting in time with no purpose nor meaning. Being a part of a race, timeline or even ambition, only to be stripped of it in the end, I know that we’ve all been taught and told what to do and how life is this important thing, which is beautiful and necessary, just like how breathing is a necessity, but how does being in accordance with weird conundrum get classified as living. Not that I’m trying to be negative, nor am I going to continue being this naïve voice which utters nonsense, let’s try to explain this word, rather I say this belief of LIFE.

Satisfaction may be the evillest of bearings, I agree that its great at times but at what cost, don’t misunderstand my intensions, but have you ever realised how satisfaction destroys even the purest of memories, most sentiments mean nothing when it comes to instant gratification. And yet it’s something that we can go for years trying to figure out. Forbidden happiness might as well be something I despise but yearn the most, you know when your told not to go near certain things, you feel the need to head there even faster. I’m going to be bold and brunt about this fact but, being a human being is one curse any person could never ever wish on another.

It’s one fact that you can never take back, the fear, excitement and guilt that comes with it makes it even harder to accept reality. Now as a part of this kind of species myself, I understand the implications it takes to actually accept this life.

The thought of pain frightens most, it’s quite funny to me as its actually the ONE feeling which shows the most emotions, it’s not feint nor is it ever made up. It’s just there and let no matter the circumstances, it never fails but to show itself, and yes most of us find many excuses to run away from it, but it’s never enough, and yes, I’m glad that we get to feel it, it makes us grow, and most importantly, gives us another eye glass into this experience we call life. But hey, not everyone is going to be able to agree with me, ‘I can’t please everyone, now can I’. “

As I read these words, I came to understand why he did it, I mean I came even closer towards his peculiar mind scape, I agree that it sounds as if I’m trying to give rise to his sudden choice of passion. Let’s think of it as my reasoning towards understanding my uncle’s pitiful death.

How can a man who was filled with life have been able to take his own in the end, to me this felt like betrayal, I witnessed it all, and all I could do was watch, I watched as he wrapped his neck with that god forsaken rope, the same rope which had a whole history towards it, the same rope which saved my life on my last hiking trip with non-other than the same man who uses it to commit murder on himself, that same rope which showed me the real meaning of the word trust, that same rope which ripped me of my own Uncle.

He wrapped himself with that rope, thus he pushed the chair from underneath himself and the worst moment of my life unravelled itself. I watched as life slowly made its way of his body, as he choked, I could never imagine a bigger pain then actually causing your own demise. Yes, he hung himself, I witnessed it all, yet not even a soul could really understand how a 11year old could sleep at night after witnessing such cruelty, yet I slept soundly that night, without even a wink of sorrow in my eyes, rather a little confusion, as puzzled as I was, I couldn’t even comprehend how my own mother never shed even a single tear on realising what her own brother had done.

She seemed rather calmer than usual, it seemed as though a heavy load had been removed from her back, for a moment I believed that she was glad about his decision of murder. All she said that night was, “ O well”, I couldn’t shake those words from my mind, they replayed themselves so much that I got completely crazy, I mean I always had the impression of women being overly emotional, which fuelled my confusion even more, mother had never said those words before in her life, and especially if it had to do with a loss of a close family member, so this puzzled me. She was always as kind as possible, and she never gave grief towards any person, but I saw a different Persona of hers that day, she seemed more calmer than usual, I mean no parent is ever calm when dealing with three kids, but it seemed as though she was another woman who I had never met before.

And yet she addressed me the same way she always did, with a little smile on her face, not even a single tear in sight, she called my name, with the same voice, as sweet and clear as always, I had wanted to ask her many times about her unusual behaviour, yet words seem to get entangled on my throat every time, all I could say was, “ are u ok mom?”. And a simple smile creeped up on her face again, she told me that what had occurred was ‘inevitable’ all I could do right then was stare at her, and as much as I tried to make eye contact, she avoided the chance of our eyes meeting under any circumstances, you could actually feel the tension between us whenever I got near her.

And at times I felt she knew that I saw what had happened to Uncle but then again, I don’t really know what I saw, all I could remember was the pain in his eyes the moment he moved the chair beneath him, those few seconds seemed like a lifetime to me, it was the last moments I spent watching him alive, he had always seemed warm and comforting towards me, but each member was like that towards the kids so I’m also not sure about his real feelings. Yet all I could ask myself at that point was ‘Why?’, I still don’t get why such a man would have suicide near his brilliant mind.

The house seemed lonely that day, everything seemed misplaced, I mean the whole family was present but no one actually felt the way I did, nobody even asked what happened, and I mean no one, not even his wife, she seemed more stunned then most of us at the moment, mother said that she was still in shock, that she would snap out of it after a couple of hours, you could see the pain in her eyes, a single most unify stare towards the floor, she sat there for so long that I lost count of the hours I spent trying to read her thoughts, yet still no tears to show, as they took uncle down from the sealing, I couldn’t stop looking at the chair on the floor, I couldn’t help thinking of how I had the chance of saving him from committing such a grave sin, I looked at the same chair which I would have held up and saved the life of my own uncle, the same chair which he kicked down in his attempt of suicide, the same chair which was my favourite for years, the same chair which he sat on in the dining hall.

He would look like the king of the table, which a smile to add on to his glory, he always had the greatest stories, I especially loved the ones about him back in the day when he was a pirate, it was riveting to think about the adventures he used to have as a young man in the vast Sea, how fearful he must have grown to be from all his experiences, the scares he used to show me, to show me how much of a man being a Pirate made him, and i couldn’t help but respect him more after each story, he had the best bedtime stories to tell, all my expectations of him were always set to rest, thus the love I had towards him.

The chair betrayed me that day, for taking away my perfectly, brave uncle, as I stared at it, all I could think of was setting it on fire, just to give my fair wells to it, as such a betrayal can never be undone. I’ll never forget that hatred.

His eye balls were in a perfectly white shape, as white as snow at its earliest start of hail, he seemed more peaceful to me for some reason, as if a huge cloud had been erased above his head, his body perfectly still, yet too relaxed for a person who had been in pain for more than five minutes, his tongue right outside his mouth, but a little more sprayed to his right hand side, both his hands in a perfect fist, as if he was getting ready for a fight, pity it was his own self as an enemy, no soldier deserved such a horror, yet the bravest man I knew chose the same fate which was as much as a taboo in my defence, he chose this fate as being perfect towards his demise.

The same hands which had saved him from the hands of death a million times, those same hands were the accomplices of his sudden demise, the same hands which tuck me to bed every night, those same hands which played a role towards my perfect sleep. Those same hands took away my happiness. A happiness which I had always convinced myself that I would always have, the same happiness which was snatched away from me in a matter of a few minutes, such an unfair change of fate I might say, but this was my life now, I thought to myself as I looked at his wife.

She still stared at the floor, she didn’t even have the decency to look at her own dead husband, a man which was once the love of her life, a man which she always seemed to admire more than life itself, and still her eyes seemed so serial for some reason, she looked like she was still in disbelief of what had unravelled in her own presence, you could see the anger she felt, she was so displaced that she couldn’t even notice when mom gave a cup of her favourite coffee, she was always adamant about how perfectly done she wanted her coffee that when she chose to take her first, there wasn’t even an inch of movement, I mean she didn’t even complain about the sugar content, we all knew that she took a strictly plain coffee, but that day she drank it with everything inside of it.

I personally couldn’t tell of the emotions she was going through, all I knew was the fact that she wasn’t herself at all, as she finished the coffee, I felt a little cold shiver go through my spine, as her hand got closer to the table to place the empty cup, she missed it, the cup fell, still she didn’t take her eyes off the floor, mother came to her rescue in a hast in order to help her snap out of it, but she still didn’t, mother cleaned up the mess made by her, and passionately looked at her as she took away the broken pieces, it was the first time seeing my mother being passionate that day, and it was in fact the only time she was.

At this moment I was both astonished and utterly worried about my mother, at one point she was this heartless demon who didn’t care about her own brother’s death, and the next moment she was being passionate towards her Sister-in-law who was in a lot of grief, I tried keeping an eye on her for a while, but keeping tabs on her was a bit difficult due to my uncontrollable obsession towards aunt, she had captured all my attention that day, as the house started to pile up, everyone was getting ready to clean up the living room where the massacre happened, and still, aunt was just sitting there, still in her own world, with no care in the world.

And still my eyes couldn’t help but stare at her beautifully pale, yet absolutely well put together face, at sometimes it seemed like I could see little smiles from her, but then when I looked closely, I could tell that it was my own eyes betraying me. ….

As they took uncle off the floor and into a car, I couldn’t help but feel that he wanted to give us his own little goodbyes while leaving the premises, but couldn’t come back from the world he had already entered himself too, his pinkie finger still at its outward position, it looked as if he wanted a companion, holding him by the finger, telling him that everything would be ok as he continued his new journey, yet he couldn’t get that pleasure, yet his finger still yearned for such, all I could ask myself right then was why, why would he leave his young wife, his life, and me. As selfish as that may have sounded, but I still couldn’t stop asking if I was ever enough for him as a son, or maybe just maybe he needed a child of his own bearing, maybe he needed his own flesh and blood, maybe if his wife had beard him a child, he wouldn’t have taken his life, but then I could never know for sure, I couldn’t tell if such things would or wouldn’t have mattered to him.

And finally when they finally put him into the car, as soon as they closed the doors of the car, FINALLY a little tear left my mother’s left eye, still all she said was ‘Oh well’, but this time you could actually hear the pain in her voice, she had a little squeak in her, a little softness which had been missing from her for the whole day, I looked at her so much which she felt shy about it, when we entered back into the house, aunt was still in the same position as she was for about 5 hours now, but finally she gave a little blink, her blink was so hard that it was followed by a fall of tears, she cried so much that tears started pulling up in me as well, but still she didn’t make a sound.

Mother tried to console her so much, but in vain, she was in so deep that any sudden movement seemed to give anger issues, the floor was soon filled with tears, everyone watch as she wept, she wept to her hearts content, when I tried to make her feel better, mother told me not interfere, she told me that I would also understand the pain of loosing a love one once in life, it came as a shock to me that she would say that, I mean I had also lost my only uncle, my saviour, still she had the guts to utter such nonsense to me.

I looked at her with dismay and anger, the kind which you could never lubricate, the kind of anger which would make any sane person commit sins, the type of anger that needs no words.

But then, she was my mother after, I couldn’t do anything to her, well that didn’t stop my mind from fantasising about her demise

Mother started moving the chair from the murder scene, yet everything still seemed wrong to me, everything still seemed as if uncle never wanted to commit suicide, yet I was the only person to actually witness it myself. But yet I still couldn’t shake the feeling which haunted me, that sudden right turn he took before taking his life still haunted, it all seemed so peculiar, I just couldn’t place my finger on it. She placed the chair in its right position, the chair had no wound on it, it seemed to fragile at that, much like it was never an accessary to murder, with not even a scratch to at least show that it knew what it had done, but no, it went ahead as if it had no care in the world, but then that was my imagination taking a toll on me.

Aunt finally moved from her chair, she finally decided to make a movement, her eyes swollen, as a ripe tomatoes waiting to be taken out, all she said was, “ I need some time alone”, I could never understand her at that time, why would any person want to feel grief alone, why would pain seem more bearable without people there with you every step of the way, why would I even dream of such an affair, and yet its all she asked for.

Mother gave her a little nod and a little smile while walking her to bed, it was the first time that mother walked with anyone with total silence, she was mostly a chatter box, she would never let such a moment pass her by, yet today she was quite, she seemed to be another woman again, yet she still had the same lips as before, she still gave the same gaze to me, but you could tell a big difference in her actions, those little gestures seemed different that day.

As she took the stairs back to the kitchen, you could tell of her mood just by the way she ramped on each stair, she seemed to put a lot of pressure at every step she took, which meant that she was uneasy, but since her mood was a little swayed that day it could have been her usual stress putting a toll on her again, but then there was a little crises at home, a crises which she first took too lightly, but gradually took seriously, and maybe a little too seriously.

As she started chopping the carrots, I couldn’t stop but think about perfect beef stew tastes when mother prepares, she’s always been particular about her stews, and she never failed to amaze me every time. She had the tendency of properly securing every persons taste buds into all her cooking, yet she never complained a little about it, you could have sworn that she was psychic, she always knew about my sudden cravings, yet she never discussed how she could tell of such secretes.

Strange isn’t it, to be fully known yet never fully explored, feeling rather estranged from ones self, its disheartening, yet, I couldn’t shake it off me, mother seemed to be more aware of her actions more than anyone else that day, still she never gave even an inch of resentment towards the situation at home. She seemed more careful than usual, they way she was chopped the vegetables made me curious, mother always made thin and even slices of carrots yet that day her carrots seemed very well off and bigger in size, she had even made them oddly shaped for my liking and her usual time of stews was also disfigured, she took longer than usual.

I’m guessing that it was normal for her to be a little out of place, but being more careful was out of the question, I would have even had no problem of her possibly chopping a piece of her fingers away, it would have still been more normal to me than her asking me to lay down the cutleries on the table, mother had never asked me to place anything on the Dinning table, she believed that I was never aware of how perfect the place needs to be, but today, Today of all times she trusted me enough to do it.

Today, the day I would normally be the most clumsy was the day she put her trust in me, quite stupid of her if you think about it initially, and for a moment there I felt like telling her that her judgement sucked, but then again she was my mother, and that would have been the end of my little life, the only life I’ve lived thus far, the small times I’ve spent in this so called world, this world that had recently striped me of the only happiness I knew. The same life which I knew would disappoint me soon after, but the very life which I would always defend, the same life which made me live without my own uncle.

“How unfair”, were my mothers exact words, and for a moment I thought that she was referring to the sudden death of her brother, I felt as if my old mother had been brought back to me, I wanted to give her a huge hug, tell her that everything was going to be okay at the end, I wanted to shield her from the pain she must have been going through. And for a little while, I felt proud to be her son, but to my surprise, I was proven wrong once again, all she was referring too was how badly her stew came out, I looked at her looking at her ruined creation, she had this content anger about herself, yet this anger never showed when truly needed. She gave me the weirdest of emotions that day, as she walked towards me, she told me to get her a clean handkerchief, as her son I gratefully obliged.

As I took the stairs going straight to my mothers room, a room which was the last one down the hall, she had always been the kind to keep things to herself, thus explaining her choice of room. It was a very quite and scarry room, everything was always in its place, she was a perfectionist when it comes to her things, she never left anything out of place. This made things hard for us as kids, she was able to tell when anyone had entered her room, and trust me being caught out by her wasn’t something to look forward too. She had always had a firm hand especially when it came to her room. And being her son made it even worse.

When I got into her room everything seemed weird, as much as I tried to stay on my lane her journal kept calling me, it had a brown cover written in glitter, mother never informed us of ever owning a diary let alone a journal, she’s always been well put together to be able to have anything to note down in that journal. But then she’s never told me most things about herself. Like why she always preferred sleeping on the left side of her bed even though she had the whole bed to herself alone, still she never took towards sleeping near the right side, it seemed weird to me. Whenever I tried to mention this, she would give me a look which would make me forget my name in an instance.

As I got closer to the Journal I could hear mother screaming at me for going through her stuff, but I still never took heed to the warning, I took the journal and attempted to sit down, but the door started to open. As I panicky tried to put the journal away thinking of the grave mistake I’ve landed myself into and a pink sweater appeared, and to gods grace it wasn’t mother, but only one person in my family ever wore pink. We never got along, since I’ve known her, we have never seen eye-to-eye about anything, both of us being in moms room wasn’t an exception either. It was non other than my sister, and yes she wasn’t a very easy person to get along with nor did she try to be, she had always made it her mission to get me into the most stickiest positions she could think off, and still at this position we both knew she was the only one from both of us who would land in trouble. And yet she still had her usual annoying attitude towards me.

Before I could think of anything at the moment mother called me to her aid, she always believed in being punctual, and my recent behaviour wasn’t something to be proud of either, she stared at me for a minute before taking the handkerchief away from then uttered the words I had been longing to her from her for the longest of times she said, “ I know what happened is hard for you to handle, but you know that being sad isn’t what your uncle would’ve wanted you to do right”. As she held her soft pale and perfectly shaped hands on my cheek.

I was baffled at mom’s reaction towards my disobedience, as she walked away making her way back to the kitchen, I took a moment and deeply looked at her thinking about how loving mother can be at times, yet she could also be the worst person to know most of the time, that was one moment that I felt a little smile creeping its way on my lips. I was happy to know that mother actually acknowledged Uncle’s death even though she didn’t exactly respect it, but she was able to acknowledge my feelings towards the death and my grief as well.

And even though I knew she wouldn’t let another disobedience of mine go unpunished, it was refreshing to see in that state.

Every person in that house had something to keep themselves occupied with, except for me. I couldn’t help but feel out of place, yet all I could think off was how much pain everybody was going through, even mother had lost a huge part of her household today, even though she would agree to it, I knew she was hurting inside, and financially speaking she was going to be in a huge predicament. She had to make the down payment for the new property which uncle had recently been interested in for mother to be able to open a shop in. If you gave yourself enough time to observe mother, you would see the little flics tears in her eyes, yes, she had lied telling me that it was she was chopping onions, but mother had never in my whole existence been left in tears just cause of onions, so why would that suddenly be the case today.

As I took to uncles’ room, every step reminded me of him, every stain on the wall made me reminisce about all the moments I had spent with him, and every tear I shed seemed meaningless, every effort I put in place was nothing but a waste of time, I could tell that my life would never have the kind of I had experienced with uncle. Somehow my eyes knew the type of grief my heart felt, somehow pretence seemed hard for me. When I got to his room’s doorstep, I could hear my uncles wife crying her eyes out, she was almost out of tears, her voice had gotten completely spoilt from all of the squalling she did.

When I opened the door, her head was on the bed, facing down, she had let go of her body, seemed more like she wanted to follow uncle to his death, she never even bothered to see who had come to the door, rather she wept with more passion, she was never the kind of person who would break down very easily, even when she had lost her baby girl, she never broke down. Seeing aunty like that broke me down even more, I never knew that such a side of her exists, and personally I had hope that it didn’t exists.

As I took steps closer to her, she quickly got up from the bed and gave a Hug, as I hugged her as long and as tightly as I could, I could feel the river of tears falling down my shoulder, after a whole 2 hours of crying, she looked at me and she said, “ everything will be ok, your uncle would be proud of your bravery my son”. As content as I was, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming out, I held her even more tightly then she had held me a moment ago. It was the first time I had wept to my hearts content, she made crying feel right, it was like she was letting me face my grief, for a second I felt as though everything would get better after a while.

But still nothing changed, I knew my uncle would never come back again. I knew my heart wouldn’t get healed so easily, even still I had a feeling this loss would change me forever.

Hours prior to this, I felt that Uncle would wake up, I had the thought he was playing a prank on me, the fact that he was just joking. Just like last summer, nothing ever made me more sad than that moment, he made me believe that he was suffering from a heart attack. As I watched him choking while on the floor, my eyes swealed up as I watched the pain which was portrayed right in front of me. As his life flashed before my eyes, I felt like life was being sad he’d away from me, I could feel my lifespan coming to an end. When he finally got up from the floor, he looked at me. The pain in his eyes broke me even further. He looked at me and said, ” I’m sorry my boy, I’ll never leave you, I promise”. A huge hug came after, that was the only time I ever thought I would experience pain in my entire life.

But still, still it happened. He left me, as selfish as it was for me to think of this, it was true. He did leave me, he did break his promise, and I would never forgive him for that. I would take that pain with me to the grave. He was selfish to leave me all alone in this world, even more selfish to his wife, she had lost the love of her life. The audacity he had to be able to take away a life which he was never given a right too, it was the life which god favored him with, not a life he could destroy at his own will. It was both disgusting and unfair to me. But still, he did perform the monstrosity.

As uncle’s wife laid her head on my lap, my pants were flooded with tears, we stayed in silence as she wept so much that we lost track of time. She dwelled in her tears so much that she went straight to sleep. I think it was the first time I’ve ever heard her snore, it was a loud sensation, horrifying feeling for me to experience. After an hour or so, as I tried to keep her in bed she started talking, she spoke as if she was in her own senses. Everything she said that night made perfect sense. She said, ” I thought we were supposed to be together forever, why did u betray me after so much we’ve been through, what am I supposed to do without you now, how do u expect me to live knowing very well that I’ve lost you forever.

I hate You........“. Her beautiful yet long brunette hair splashed on my thighs, she’s always had a nag for having perfect hair, a perfectionist to say the least, even her shampoos were always on point, she wasn’t cheap about anything which concerned her appearance. But tonight, she couldn’t care less about how terrible she would appear the next day, she was in her own dream world, a world which is meant to help you forget about the horrible things of reality, but for her, even her dream world had took Uncle away from here. As sorry as I was, I couldn’t say a word, she needed sleep after all, she’d been through enough already in one day.

16/04/20

*Chris life will always be unfair to you, no one will ever be truly there for you until the end, yes companionship seems neccessary as well as being there for people, but that won’t help at the end. Things won’t get better just because you have someone to share your pain with.

Everything that you do son, and I mean everything which you do reciprocates on you at the end, no matter how long it takes, but it will bite you. And I know things won’t make sense for you at first, but I know your capable to anything in or even out of this world, it’s who you are son.

Son I’m not always going to be there for you, as much as we both wish I could be with you till the end of time, I won’t, and yes, I might be gone sooner than you think. But that doesn’t mean that you will suddenly stop living. I mean living Chris, not breathing, god knows you haven’t figured out the difference between the two.

Remember that grief is not the obstacle here, grief……..., grief is the friend, grief is your one biggest confidant at the end. *

Those words never really made sense to me, I have always loved understanding riddles, but uncle was never a man who would mince his words. And yes, it killed to imagine what he had on his mind whilst writing all these vague sayings.

But then being honest, he wasn’t a man to take his own life either, …….

All I could recall from that night was the cold I felt for about 5 hours before going into deep sleep. I knew this because it was the first time seeing my father, I had lost dad 5 years ago, I never really had a real image of the kind of person he was, his preferences, his character and of course his attributes, yet I was able to recognize him that night. I had a real conversation with the same man I had regarded a stranger for years, he was more understanding than I had once thought. I felt his grip for the first time, as tall as he was, he was warmer than mother at times, it felt like heaven had opened for a few hours so I could spend quality time with my long-gone father, a time which I had longed for years and was always denied.

All he said was, “love, live, cry, get hurt and want to die, give pain a chance, give yourself up to the pain which you always eagerly try at your upmost best to deny. I want you to hate life so much that you start loving it. I need you to live so much that it hurts every time you breath. Don’t be a shadow son, be Chris, be always your own self. And remember I love you champ. “

Those were the only words I could ever recall from the long conversation we were given the chance to have. And yes, I cried again, God as witness every ounce of pain which I have ever felt came down on me at once. I wept till the point of dryness, I cried so much that I could no longer give any tears towards the pain. Insomnia struck right after that dream; I couldn’t sleep a wink then.

I had never been in such a dark place before, everything seemed so colorless, and for a moment I felt peace, even though all the lights were still on, my eyes kept themselves shut in order to see what they deem fit, I laid there for hours thinking about the dream I had with dad in it, I thought about the sudden murder by my uncle and of all things I thought about mom, I thought about what she would tell me in the morning, I thought about all the moods she could find herself in when she wakes up. I thought about how she was going to be able to take care of the family without uncle looking after her. I thought about all the things which we would have to miss cause of uncle not being around anymore.

And yes, I thought about how I would turn out without any more male models for me to look up too.

17/04/20

*Chris not everything will be black and white, somethings aren’t as easy or even as difficult as you perceive them to be. You might want to join your father very soon I know, but regret doesn’t take back actions, when you decide make sure it’s the one you feel will benefit you. And of course, BE HAPPY, yes Happiness, as impossible as you believe it to be, don’t look for happiness, but make sure to accept it, yes you deserve to be happy. You deserve to smile with no hindrances in the way, you deserve to be everything and nothing at the same time. Your human after all, it’s your nature to feel, so feel happiness, but never underestimate it.

It will find you, not the other way around*

There was a little moment whereby I had finally chosen to open my eyes in the hopes that I would be able to grace my eyes with the light for which they have been denying themselves for hours, yet my expectations were not met as I opened my eyes all I could see was my sister, and as angelic and peaceful she had seemed that night, I knew it was too good to be true. She had a straight face on, she hadn’t put any makeup on her face, which was very much out of the ordinary considering that she wasn’t able to even leave her room without having makeup on.

She had a lot of sadness in her eyes, almost seemed like she had spent the last 5 hours crying, as much as she tried to speak to me her voice seemed to have vanished from all of the crying she might have been through, her lips were cracked, reddish in color, her cheeks also red in color. This was never a good sign, she has never been the faint hearted type. She had always been able to put up a very tough front. I’m guessing that her walls had finally broken down. It scared me to see her that light, it is too much for me to think about having to play her role for a change, not that I find it hard to pursue, quite the fact that she’s played it for so long it has become one of her very own personal attributes.

As much as I tried to avoid the tension which her presence brought to the room, her eyes filled up with pain at every moment, a pain which I never thought would ever exist in Beatrice’s eyes, she killed me at that moment, she turned my own sister, she made her weak, fragile, she took away the heart which I had grown to love about her. She gave me a new sister that day, she gave me the affection which I hadn’t once thought I would ever ask for, yet I couldn’t see it at that time, it was all I ever wanted to witness from her.

I hugged Beatrice that night, I hugged her so much that her tears froze up, the pain she felt would soon be lost in time, her beautiful short brunette hair covered my whole face, it refreshed my heart so much that I picked her up and made her sit on my lap, she obliged to everything I wanted too, with no utter of words, just a sense of tears shared between the two of us, we held each other so closely that for a second we seemed to have been in oneness with each other, I could feel her breathing, as slowly as she could, trying to keep her cool and control her tears, all I could manage to tell was, “Let everything out Trice, I’m here for you, take your time”.

After a second she stopped weeping and looked at me, her eyes looked brightly at me, as red as they were, there was a sparkle in them, she looked deep in my eyes and smiled, even though pain ruled her heart at that moment, I saw happiness in that smile, I saw hope in her, I saw the love which I had yearned for years in her. “ I’ll never forget this”, I said, she gave me a little laugh afterwards. It was the most beautiful experience vie ever had.

We fell asleep after that. As much as I tried to keep my eyes shut, my wandering mind did not let me, as I fell deeper into my own thoughts, the more relaxed I was, I fell so deeply into my head that I didn’t have the chance to see my mother who had been staring at Beatrice and I for the past several hours. She had her usual grey silk long night dress on, she leaned on to the doorstep so hard it started making noises, little cringe sounds to be exact. That was when I was able to snap out of the hallucinations I was having in my head, I looked at her staring right at me.

She smiled, a little soft, side smile, she was beautiful, even her messy hair seemed to compliment her in this light. Having no make up on did wonders to her skin, no blotches, no wrinkles, just a beautiful glowing face. For a second I had this ridiculous idea that it might have been pregnancy glow, but then mother had always been a devoted widow, there wasn’t even an inch of a chance that she would be pregnant. Yes she looked flawless, jaw dropping to be honest.

She whispered three little words to me, “ I love you”, as soft as they were, I could feel the intensity of her love knocking on the door to my heart. It filled me with joy in an instant. She walked away right after saying that, in a graceful, sleepy and punctual manner, as her hand kept touch with every wall which she came across, gripping onto it at every step she took going closer to her room, until she faded into the dark and I could not make any picture of her anymore.

Right than at that moment, my eyes shut themselves and a deep sleep arrived to my doorstep, as heavily armed as it was, the simple darkness gave me comfort until I became unaware of my own surroundings and went straight to dreamland again. With a smile on my face and a little teardrop from my left eye. Quite concerning really, only pain ever causes such acts from the left eye. Which is why my mind finds it weird for my eyes to react so. But deep sleep struck so suddenly that I wasn’t able to think nor understand the reasoning behind it.

The morning after was at most one which had aspect of beauty you could ever think of, perfect of weathers all around. The most perfect sunshine to ever grace us on this earth, pity I couldn’t enjoy any of it,……

The moment the sunlight graced my eyes a shadow befell them, gracing them with the presence of darkness once again. As stunned as I was, I took a moment to embrace the darkness once again, I had spent almost four hours in its presence already, as I simply enjoyed it….., Beatrice my little sister of course kept a grave stare on me, as if I had stolen something of great value from her prior, she gave me the stink eye for almost five minutes before choosing to tell me of her behavior so early in the morning.

Mother had asked her to call for me. With a serious face at hand and even worse, her moodiness was over the roof, not to mention the constant simple glances she kept giving me. ‘ she was scaring the heck out of me, even for her this was too weird’.

She left the room swiftly a few seconds after that I didn’t even notice her leaving. I got dressed quickly and hurried downstairs, when I got there everyone was gathered in the living room, even aunt was present, she was doing a little better from the state I had last seen her. On the other hand mother was doing terribly than usual, well for starters her hair was all over the place, she was still wearing her night dress, and of course her eyes were swollen as if she had been in tears for hours. Her form of speech was also unclear really, she had a very squeaky voice.

All mother said was, “morning sweetie, can you have a seat with everyone, I want to discuss something with all of you guys together”. And with discomfort I settled down in a seat next to Beatrice.

Right before mother could utter any word, her phone started to ring, with her peculiar taste in music made bare for all of us to see, she had the audacity to play Ariana Grande’s ‘ Break up with your boyfriend’, the woman is thirty five years of age for god sakes.

After exactly five minutes, mother put her phone away and looked straight at us as we were still waiting to be addressed by her. She said, “ Paul was sick guys, he didn’t want to feel any more pain in his life, he said every time he looked at himself he could only see endless pain, he felt that his life wasn’t worth so much misery, he said it was time he ended the endless cycle of pain he felt. He said that death would give him the piece he couldn’t receive in life. He said death would finally give him the happiness he had been deprived of for years”. After saying that mother broke down in tears, it was as if she herself couldn’t believe what her own lips had uttered about her own late brother.

She sat down on the ground in such haste that we heard a sudden ‘thump’ as she filled the ground with her tears, her gown removed itself from her body, as if her whole soul had been ripped away from her. As she sat there in tears she kept mumbling the words, “ I’m sorry Paul, I know I should have seen your pain. I knew something was hurting you, I’m sorry I didn’t notice it earlier”. She cried so much that she deprived me of the chance to actually feel bad about uncle not ever being happy in life, about the fact that all he saw in life was misery, that my existence never meant as much to him than I had recently thought it did. Mother cried so much that I thought she would pass out at any moment after.

And she did, she had a moment where by she lost her breath and fell unconscious right there in front of my eyes. We rushed her to her room and Beatrice sprinkled a little water on her face. She regained consciousness.

18/04/20

No piece surpasses one which is endless

Life is an illusion

One made by mankind,

Nothing ever as it seems.

No life should be this driftless

Life seen in the eyes of the blind

Pain could never be the past,

Pain makes it all while.

The uncertainty of life is bare in our whole existence

Nothing makes sense.

Living is divine, life isn’t.

Death is piece.

*nothing feels better than not feeling at all*

I never could really fully grasped what uncle means by “ death is piece”. It doesn’t make sense how something which is at the moment unknown to every living creature. How can a living person render themselves worthless enough to find more comfort in the chance of being in no exist anymore. Is life really such a horrifying experience that death is more bearable. How could he have survived so many years with nothing but sorrow in his grasp.

I guess the human body which I spent so many years growing in front off was nothing but an illusion. Life as I knew it wasn’t the real truth. Uncle never really experienced life as I thought he did, the hero which I had always feared was nothing but my own mind playing games with me. Why would people make life seem so meaningful, why make it something which it isn’t ?, what’s the reason for making life into a simulation which they know would be broken at the end of the day. It doesn’t sit well with me that I only know of lies, what I would have vouched for before is nothing but a lie.

Why turn a grave into a garden?........

Why give faults hope?..... why cause an exceptional amount of pain for temporary amusement.

Why toy with emotions?..... what reason is there for any person to be so inconsiderate towards the child which has to face the truth about what they once believed to be reality, when in fact it isn’t?

Why inflict so much pain?, “ Why?” I have asked myself this question a million times, but still no answer seems to present itself.

As I stood there looking at mother on her bed, a little drenched from the water Beatrice had sprinkled on her, her hair never looked any more beautiful than today. She couldn’t control the speed at which her tears came gushing out. She could neither talk nor look at anyone straight, her speech was impaired, she just stared at the floor for a reasonable amount of time before looking straight at me, she stared into my eyes and said, “ we have work to do people, lets move shall we”. It baffled me how she was able to change her mood from being sobby and pathetic to becoming the usual bossy woman she had always portrayed herself to be.

As I watched mother get herself up from a corner, as I watched get herself free from the pain she kept inside, I smiled. I couldn’t believe the luck I had to have been birthed by this exceptional woman. The woman who could make herself use pain as fuel to better everyone in the family. She deserved so much better than having a son like me, she deserved a strong, hardworking boy who would help her through the pain of loosing her brother, but instead she got me. And at the end of the day I was the person who needed more comfort than her, Yet I was still proud to be a huge part of her life.

We firstly needed to get the

house to its best shape. Spring cleaning would apparently lighten up the mood in the house and everyone could bond with each other before the funeral arrived.

Every person had a particular chore assigned to them, I in particular was assigned to gather uncles stuff, cleaning his room to be precise. As we scattered to our own single chores, I started to go up the stairs wondering what I had to be a witness off in a dead mans room, how he preferred things to be kept before he kicked the bucket. Uncle had never been a man who cared much about cleanliness, in fact he was somewhat dirty.

As the door opened with those little deadly cracks as I opened it wider, I took a few steps into the room. A very dark room it was, even though the place was left alone no longer than twenty hours, it looked as though it had been abandoned a very long time ago. His favorite black leather jacket was on the bed, on the left, down corner of the bed, ‘his favorite spot’. It was unusually folded as uncle was always somewhat very bad with laundry thus his folding skills were even worse.

I simply sat on the bed, thinking about the nights I had spent with uncle and aunt in this room when I couldn’t sleep. For some time I forgot that I wouldn’t be able to share those moments with him anymore, it was very refreshing to think about all the special moments I had spent with him, how important he made me feel each time I was near him. Dream land felt so real that I called out his name in haste, “ Uncle Paul”, I said. A second after uttering his name I came to realization of the fact that he was gone.

It disheartens me to look at his belongings and dream of him waking up and telling us that it was all a dream. It kills to look at the door wishing that he could come in at any second to be able to hug me and tell me that everything is going to work out at the end. But then knowing that it wont happen leave me with the lingering question of when this pain would stop, the time that I do not have to experience this pain in such lengths anymore.

I took the jacket off his bed and hugged it as long as I could his smell was still there. It was as if I had received the hug from him exactly. When I took it away from me a key fell off the jacket. It was a very tiny, wooden key, with little golden sprites on it. It fell off so swiftly that I couldn’t recognize it was a key at first. It fell to the ground and rolled off until it was out of site and under the bed. I looked for it as hard as I could until I had finally decided to look under the bed but when I peeped there I found a chest instead.

A beautiful object with three red pebbles on it, a sprinkle of slightly brownish color on the side. It was truly a work of art, a little more of mothers taste though, which is what made me question its current location. Why would something that so tacky be in uncles room, he was more of a modern person than my mother. But there it was right under his bed. As noisy as I am, of course I was trying to open the chest up. But of course it was locked, there was a small cute hole big enough for a key to fit in perfectly. “ the key of course”, were my exact words.

I then went back to looking for the key it had wandered off right to the middle of the bed, I took it and opened the chest of course. Right when I was about to peek inside the chest, aunt interrupted, by clearing her throat, “ Chris, you know u haven’t done anything in this room right?”, as embarrassed as I was I quickly closed the chest and agreed with her. She gave me a little smile and told me to start cleaning like I should be, lovingly rubbed my head and gave me a little side hug.

As I watched her walk out of the room, I felt a shiver down my spine thinking about how angry mother would be actually hearing about my insolence. I quickly put the chest back under the bed and started to tidy up the room, it was fairly easy, just that there was too much dust, but other than that it was very easy to clean up the room. I then started to gather up his clothes in a suitcase, his stuff was all in the wardrobe, in a very clear and precise manner.

His clothes were all color coded, his belts all in the manner of how he preferred them to be worn, he had everything planned out in his head before actually wearing it. Still everything was normal there. Given the sudden choice of killing himself, I would have wanted to see a little weirdness in his routine or maybe his clothes or something, but everything was so neat and perfect that him committing suicide become more and more vague by the hour. It occurred to me that he might have found death to be the only way out of his current problem, or maybe, just maybe he could take it anymore and just ended the cycle.

As I started folding up his pants and shirts, his favorite yellowish shirt, which he had always worn on every Saturday which was the one day that we spent as a family and had lunch together. It had a red blotch in it, he had asked mother not to clear it out as it would be a reminder of how happy he was when he heard about my birth. It was a beetroot mark, a very easily removeable stain, but still he wanted to remain on the shirt. Uncle had always been a man of memories, he believed that happiness itself should be celebrated and never forgotten, thus he would keep momentums with him in order to remind himself and reminisce on the wonders of his past experiences which brought him joy.

The shirt was clean, it was squeaky clean, as if the stain had been individually dealt with, that was very strange as he was a very precise man with his decisions, which made me question why he would have changed his mind about the shirt being washed out of the blue. Its yellowish color was also back, it was so bright that it even outshined his white shirts from the bunch. It was if he was trying to erase the memory itself from existence, seemed like he was preparing himself for something bigger which was about to happen.

I stared at the shirt for hours trying to figure out what might have been in uncles head when he took the decision to completely destroy the memory of my birth from his momentums. I guess he found that it was time he let go of a few things which he was using as a crutch to hold on to the past which was long gone and never ever to return.

As I started to put the shirt down I realized that his lucky socks weren’t both there, only his right side was present in the drawers, it was very strange, his favorite clothing had seemed to be misplaced or something. And that on its own was enough to trigger that not everything was perfect with uncle. It made me think about the conversation him and I had a few minutes before the massacre occurred yesterday.

He had sat me down in this very room yesterday, he told me to take a seat on the bed as he sat right on the counter. And the weirdest conversation occurred. He said, “ Chris you might loose me sooner than you think, so if there is anything which you would like u to discuss I want you to tell me now, I need you to be precise in everything which you share with me today.” And of course I told him that there wasn’t anything which I needed to discuss with him then, I didn’t really even need advice on anything at the moment.

What he said next still doesn’t sit well with me even now, he said, “ if you ever come up with the stupid idea of following me to the place which I’m choosing not at my own will to go to, I’ll never forgive you. Know that your soul will never find piece if you ever do such a thing. Son I don’t hate you, for god sakes I love you to death, I would die for you champ. Fall in love boy, I want to be able to sleep peacefully knowing that you will be able to love unconceivably. Get heart broken, move on, love again and get your heart broken again. I want you to let the cycle of life take place. I need you to be able to hate love but love it non the less. I love you kid, I’ll love you in the beyond as well. My dear son I want you to feel pain, I want it to consume you. I want you to wish death upon yourself just to run away from it, but you are never to let yourself be killed by it. I want you to grow.

I need you to be the one person who can live in pain with a smile on his face. Pain isn’t the enemy honey, trust me as much as it breaks you, living in it helps you heal the wounds which itself caused in the beginning. Honey I don’t want hate to consume you, but self-hate should be somewhere in your mind at some point, cause the only way for you to truly feel love is to actually have hate to begin with. I know it sounds twisted and weird right now but everything will make sense when the right time comes. Never forget what you experience cause that my son grooms you to be better. “

I then answered with a question of, “ how can pain help love to merge?, and how can something which is so dark and cruel inflict light at the end, how do you expect me to believe that letting pain own you is the only way you can allow yourself to truly love with no regrets?, its both inconceivable and reckless to think that pain is the root of love, how does that on is that on its own going to convince me to love and hate love at the same time?”

He simply looked at me with a little smile on his face, he said, “ Son not everything has to make sense, not everything will be black and blue, and if I try to explain this to you right now it will not make sense. Son opposite things will always attract each other, it’s the law of nature. The mind is very weird and unexplainable, piece of work. Understanding it will never be something you can do. Remember that it wasn’t my intention to lie to you, I’m sorry that I can’t explain why I took that unfair decision… “

As much as I tried to squint my eyes trying to understand his statements, it didn’t make any sense at all. It wasn’t something which any kid could comprehend as much as an adult would. We stared at each other for hours after that. I was looking to get more information out of him, but I guess he was taking his last look at me before he did the unspeakable.

I looked at him as he explained how he was going to look after me forever, it didn’t make sense to me cause he wasn’t going to be around until the ends of time, but his determination made me believe his words non the less. He had the look in his eyes, it looked as if he could go to the ends of the world just to look after me. He had love in his eyes, it was very beautiful him at that state. He was the uncle I had missed for a very long time.

As I think back now everything he said makes sense now, he was telling me about what he wanted to do in the afterlife he was going too. It wasn’t fair that he didn’t want to tell me that he was leaving me alone in this world. It would have been better if he had explained himself to me. But then me dwelling on the past wouldn’t bring back my uncle it would turn back time for me to stop him from committing suicide. He chose his path at the end, and he believed it was his best choice, no person has the reason to doubt that, we all don’t know the full story.

I managed to gather all his clothes into two suitcases, in the neatest way possible of course. I started to make my way back to the lounges. When I took the stairs going down I tripped on my own feet and fell flat on my face. It was actually a quite hilarious experience but the pain which I was on as I had bashed my stomach to the ground and my face hadn’t had the least pain. But still my sister couldn’t help herself, she completely laughed at me, giggling so hard that she completely fell off the sofa and kept rolling on the floor until she started to get a soar throat.

Mother ran swiftly and took me off the stairs and sat me on the sofa, right then and there everybody cracked and laughed at me, as painful as it was for me I still couldn’t help the feelings of content I had when noticing the how happy everyone was, I had not seen that in a very long time. I chose to suck it up and laughed with everyone. The atmosphere in the house was very calm. Everything seemed less heavy on our shoulders.

We gathered all his stuff, as we started to discuss what was to be done with it I noticed mother sobbing again. Aunt came to her aid a second after, she looked very worried. They whispered something to each other and thereafter aunt took her to uncles room. they both seemed very perturbed, it was very weird to see them in that state together rather than trying to make each other feel better. I took it upon myself to find out what the whole matter was about, I quickly made my way to uncles room, after giving three knocks on the door mother answered with, “ come in Chris”.

As sure as I was guilty I asked what the whole scene downstairs was all about, mommy looked at me and asked if I had touched uncle’s chest, I agreed of course knowing fully well that I hadn’t as yet seen what was in the containment, she continued with a , “ And?”, I looked at her with dismay as I really couldn’t give her a straight answer, even I wasn’t sure about the content that was in the chest exactly. She quickly looked down and told me to take it out. “ I guess keeping it from you isn’t necessary anymore”, she said while opening it up.

There were two red socks inside, two baby red socks. Mothers eyes filled with tears, she said, “ I’m sorry sweetheart, don’t judge your uncle about this but, you remember that you once asked me why your eyes seemed a lot different than of mine and your sister’s?”, looking straight in her eyes I could tell that what she would tell me was going to break her heart more than it would mine. I answered her of course, with up most uncertainty and fear, I gave mommy a little, soft yes.

Aunt interrupted us by saying that I was adopted, she said those words in such a hurry that I wasn’t able to understand the sudden movements they made and in a single moment I was left all alone in the room with nothing but an open chest in front of me. I sat there starring at my past, it stared back at me, as I reached for the socks, I saw a white envelope just below them, it looked very fresh, as if it was put there recently, even its smell was new, it had a somewhat lavender smell, with a touch of grass fillings as well. I opened it ever so gracefully just to make sure I do not leave at a state which would make it clear that I fidgeted with it.

19/04/20

It read:

Dear Christopher.

Hello champ, I know that if your reading this then I really committed suicide. My son I know you have a lot of questions about what’s really going on in this family, I know your even wondering about your very own origin as well. It’s a very long story, but ill try to make as short as I can.

Everything happen way back when I was married the first time, her name was Julia, she was very beautifully made young woman, her wit and politeness made it hard for me to deny falling for her. It was love at first sight my boy. Her eyes were all but black, a very beautiful dark brown color. With a smile which put every sunset at shame, no beauty had ever befallen on this earth. But her family wasn’t as beautifully made as she was. They believed that our love was a sin, well you see she was from a very afluent family when I was from a middle class one, so I was deemed unworthy of her hand in marriage. Julia tried to reason with them but it was all in vein. She died a few years after. She dies as an unmarried mother, she died after giving birth to a beautiful son.

She named that son ‘Christopher Xavier Smith’, yes champ, that’s you. I know you grew up as my sister’s son, but you have always been my blood, the fruit of the love your mother and I shared, the only way for me to keep you safe was to lie about your existence. Jenny has always been the best parent for you, she could never see you different from Beatrice, you were her favorite, her little Chrissy, which explains why you have always been a mommy’s boy. She spoilt you rotten, but I guess it was her only way to shower you with love. I had to say that you got lost after your biological mother gave birth to you at the hospital, you may not understand son, but your grandpa (your mother’s father) had declared that you shall leave this world with your mother, as you were a bastard child. You were not a part of his family even after being his very own blood.

Your mother had been forced to marry some old, pompous, arrogant, brut, she ran away from that man and eloped with me. You were a blessing for both of us, you were the hope we had prayed for. You were your mother’s heart, you still are son, you always will be. Your aunt, my wife, she doesn’t know about this, I’m not sure how she will react to this revelation, but I want you to love that woman, she’s your third mom after all, she loved you the day she came into my life, I think she could feel the bond between the both of you even though she didn’t know about it. She’s a great woman, convince her to marry again in the future, she deserves happiness my son, and so do you.

Son this is all I can tell you right now, I’m sorry again my son, I know you deserved a real father, not me. I’m very sorry I was never the guardian you needed champ.

I love you my little rascal, Dad loves you.

From: Uncle Paul (your father).

My eyes teared so much I think I zoned out for so long I stopped breathing normally. Everything I thought was true was a lie, how could I have been uncle’s son he never wanted children, he would have adopted if he did, what about aunt, didn’t she need a little person of her own, was uncle selfish that he never thought that aunt would want to bear him a child. Everything seemed so ambiguous to me, Beatrice, only Beatrice could ever really understand my pain, my big sister wasn’t really my sister, it’s not fair.

As I sat there thinking about all the sudden and long vacations uncle used to go with me on, he never missed a single soccer game, he was there every time I lost a tooth, it all made sense now, but why would he sacrifice the memory of my mom for so long, just to rip me of the joy of knowing that he was my father, why would he be so careless to not think of the implications this would have on me after his passing.

I sat there in despair for hours, crying my eyes out, with all this anger growing inside of me, I stared at the socks until I finally mastered the courage to get myself back together and stormed out in search of my mother, I kept my lips mum, sealed up. There had to be a reason why mother had kept this from me, she tells me everything, then why would she have hidden this from me instead. It didn’t make any sense at all to me. And it still doesn’t, I need answers from her. She knows lying is a sin, she was the one who told me this in the first place.

There’s always a hidden agenda on everything, and not every story can be precise. And not every story has all perspectives in mind. Yes, I agree in uncles defense he was only trying to keep his son alive, but what about aunt, what about her happiness, what about the step son she had but never knew about, she wanted children to look after, but uncle never gave her the chance. If that’s not enough what about my mother, what does she have to go through in telling her son that she’s actually his aunt and not her son. Everything seemed dim from my perspective. Everything was unfair for everyone else.

When I took a look at mom she had a knife on her hand, I stared at her enough that she took notice of my presence. We looked at each other with tears. I asked her why, she said, “ I cant loose you too Chris, you don’t know how much it killed me to see Paul like that, he was doing so well, after eleven years, he was finally happy with his life, he was even considering adopting a daughter. And now this, he killed himself Chris, you understand that he took his own life for a simple grief he was going through, he couldn’t even share that with me. I cant keep loosing everyone most dear to me, I cant do this anymore honey.” I didn’t know what to say to her, all I did was walk from the hallway straight to the kitchen where she was standing near the counter, looking at the knife on her hand. I stopped right in front of her, placed my right hand on her left cheek, looked at her again and said, “ Mom uncle was wrong, pain doesn’t end if you end your life, it only transfers itself to the one smart enough not to follow you, if you do end your life like uncle did, what do you think Beatrice will do, not to mention me, and what about aunt, do you really want her to go through another grief?”

All I could say then was, “I may not be old enough to understand what you have been through with Dad, uncle, late uncles wife and my grandparents, but I don’t want to experience so much pain right now that it makes it hard to believe that happiness is even possible. Don’t be a coward mom, that’s not the mom I’ve always admired and love with all my heart.” She looked at me with so much pride in her eyes, she, she smiled, and I smiled back. Looking at how lucky I was to have such a loving and head-on mom like her, I don’t deserve to have such a beautiful and perfect mom as her, so I said, “ Mom I’m sorry you had to be stuck with me for so many years, and I know I haven’t been the perfect kid you needed, and I’m sorry that uncle gave you his burden to deal with. Killing yourself wouldn’t be the justice you need, getting rid of me would be though.”

As baffled and utterly angry she was all she could answer with was, “How dare you!!, how dare you judge my beautifully precious son? You have no right to say that about yourself Chris. From the moment I first held you in my arms, you were mine, you will always be my son, your biological father might have helped in giving birth to you, but you were always my son, I don’t know why you think any less of yourself, but I don’t condone it, do I make myself clear Christopher?” As happy as I was to see her in her usual angry attitude, I burst out in laughter, and apologized for using her love against her. But of course, she was raged, but she knew why I would have insinuated such things in the first place.

Aunt looked dazed, she was sitting right across the hall, on uncle’s chair at that. She was both amazed and disgusted at the same time, I stared at her, in fact both mother and I looked at her, her faced was in a position which showed that she was about to burst out in anger or tears, which would both be a tragedy, mother quickly tried to reach her, as soon as she was about three feet away from her aunt spoke, she told mother the one word which she knew never ended anything in a good way she said, “Don’t”. as disheartened mother was, she knew that aunt had heard our conversation, she knew it was justice enough for her to be left on the dark about her own husbands’ child.

She looked at me afterwards, with the upmost disappointment I’ve ever seen, I went to her tried to explain my predicament, but she wasn’t ready to listen to anything which I wanted to say, rather she had already made up her mind, she knew what was being done to her was injustice, it wasn’t fair at all, I understood that. Thus, I followed her after she stormed out to the lawn. The sun had reached its peak, the weather was so beautifully perfect that I took a second to soak in its beauty before going after aunt again.

“Stop!”, I said with tears all over my face, she asked me why she would have to listen to me after the betrayal I was part of. All I could do was say, “I understand, I know that your hurt and I know that you feel like I have deceived you, but aunt I would never do anything to hurt you intentionally. You are my mother as well aren’t you, although the formalities were never fully handed to you, but you have never treated me less than your own since the day you stepped into our house. I know you feel that mom was unfair by not telling you about me, and yes, she was wrong in doing so. But we can’t hate each other for decisions which were done without our consent. Nothing is better than loving, learning to forgive each other for our mistakes, it nurtures as well as uplifts the soul.”

Looking at her expression I knew that it would not be that easy to convince her about mother’s intentions, but time would be the best medicine for both.

We sat on the grass for hours, enjoying the natural splendor around us, the little strawberry garden which we both had nurture for months never looked more beautiful, the grass with its perfect green leaves. Everything was so serene, my eyes could not believe the amount of beauty around us that it calm the situation between us, even aunts anger subsided. The tranquility of nature managed to get rid of the animosity she had developed against me.

She then spoke, and said, “You know your uncle always said everything seems chaotic before it actually gets solved, so I’m guessing this whole thing is a testament that everything will be okay soon. What I don’t understand is why Paul was so nervous yesterday, well that was before the whole massacre, he was troubled somehow, as if there was something he didn’t want to be known for some weird reason, I’m guessing it’s about you Chris.” It made sense as well, it is the only thing he could have possibly been afraid of all along. But as much as I’ve known uncle, trivial matters never really made him nervous, for heaven sakes he’s spent ten years with me and has never slipped about my biological dad after all.

You know mommy was a little too upset about me finding out about her adopting me, upset to the point that you would think she thought I knew something else which would have been worse. The woman wasn’t scared of anything to be honest.

But who am I to speculate about anything, I can’t understand everything which goes on in this household? We sat on that grass for so long that the sun started to set. There was a little kind of brownish color about it, its interior looked to still have its original yellow/orange color, yet its exterior had a deeper type of color, most as if it was getting further, and further away from us. The surrounding nature had this trend of complimenting the sunset, so much that you would think nature was saying their goodbyes to their emperor, ruler of some sort.

Mother came out in a rush to call up on me, she took about ten steps before her eyes met with aunt’s eyes. Her eyes had a sort of complaint in them, as if she wanted to say something to her, but couldn’t. even dare to utter a single word. Her impediments had her spell bound. You could say that she was tongue tied by aunt’s presents. Yet she tried her level best to keep her feelings aside and spoke to both of us with confidence, she said, “Chris and . , both of you need to be ready to head over to the funeral home, we need to get everything ready as soon as possible”.