ADAM

If I was to be asked as little as two months ago, do drugs harm people? My answer would of been very different as to what it is today. I’ve always held a strong stance when it comes to my opinions of drug abuse, being a recovering addict of 14 years myself I still managed to maintain my view that anything in moderation would not be problematic. Even eleven months incarcerated in a Chinese detention center for drug trafficking to feed a nasty habbit did not sway my thinking. The fear of death from drug related over dose although very real had little to no impact on my abuse, had I of known then what I know now it would not have only stopped me but also would of dramatically impacted on my opinion of drug use. I don’t judge people and I never will, being judged myself only spiralled me further and faster to the inevitable rock bottom. Luckily my body has been left practically unscathed, but the people my abuse has affected will suffer lasting effects that no amount of wishing or praying will ever reverse. A person close to me had been forced to lie to me, telling me what I wanted to hear in order to keep me from harming myself, my family had too struggle for almost a year not knowing how I was living or in what health I was being kept, shortly after my release even being eleven months sober and determined to be the man I never could of been while using my wife decided to leave me, which as heart breaking as it was and still is I can almost justify. Drugs didn’t get the chance to take my life in a physical sense and as grateful as I should be I almost wished they had. The existence I live now is torturous from morning to evening from day to day, and sense of achievement is short lived and joy... well there is none. I have been deported from the country I made my home, the country I grew up in, the country I became a man, the country I love and know. I have lost my apartment, my personal belongings, my loving wife and even my dog. Somethings it seems can be more painful than death. The reality of my stupidity is not be laughed at or taken lightly. Every sorry is just another empty word that falls on deaf ears, any chance that I had to salvage my relationships slips further into the abyss with every passing day. I may have been forgiven but I will never stomach the courage to forgive myself, I am gilt, I am as dirty as the drugs I was taking. I now suffer from a pain that would not be wished on your worst enemies. This is my story, this is my life, this is Adam.