I'm Just Not Made For Love

Jul 15

Written By Jacob Moss

Love is a fickle bitch.

Some say love is a feeling, some say it’s a choice, some say it’s everywhere and some say it doesn’t exist at all. I think they’re probably all right to some degree. For me, however, love is a challenge, it’s elusive - it pokes its little mole head out just long enough for me to try and whack it, but it always disappears right before I can score the points.

At first, I thought it was a problem of looks. I am not and never have been all too confident about how I look, and in the beginning, my self-confidence was next to none - so, I changed how I looked.

Then, after that didn’t work, I was certain it must be a matter of personality. I was always the class clown, constantly acting out in hopes of attention, and I thought nobody in their right mind would want to date someone so ridiculous - so, I changed how I acted.

But somehow, I was still alone. And from that loneliness a fear began to grow, always gnawing at me. What if I was just not wired like everyone else? What if my programmer missed the part in my code concerning how to love? What if I am dreaming of a life I will never be able to live?

But that can’t be true, so I figured it must be my worldview that was the problem. If you’re a 5 striving for a 10, you’re almost always going to be disappointed. So, I started trying to care for and love myself, I tried tricking myself into thinking that if I made myself as perfect as possible, there’s no possible way I wouldn’t be happy. The thing about perfection, though, is that you can only ever fall short. And when you fall short of what you think will bring you happiness, you just keep falling.

And now, here I am. 20 years old, never been loved, never have loved, and starting to think maybe I’m not made for it. The people around me sure think so.

I’m in a world full of love, yet I am alone.

Love is a fickle bitch.