Closure
I slowly open my eyes to another morning as I groggily sit upright in the bed. Stretching, I feel bones crack before going back to my slump-like state.
Sigh... That was all the life I had and I could appreciate the beauty it provides. Being able to wake up to nature, even surrounding myself in it, I loved it but it didn't distract me from what I've lost. From what laid heavy on my heart as it sunk deep into my veins.
My eyes travel to my sleeping husband, as I resist the urge I have to just suffocate him, before glancing at the clock. I wanted him to drown like I was as I was no longer breathing.
5:30 am
I sigh heavily before getting the courage to move and not wallow in my misery. I head to the bathroom where I do my business before standing in front of the mirror as I just stare at myself. Red tear stained eyes from a night of endless tossing and silent cries. My short brown hair falling limply against my caramel colored skin. Black bags dotting both eyes from the lack of sleep. I had to look away quickly or I would begin to cry again. This is what I was reduced to, I could barely stand my own reflection anymore. My eyes bared my soul all too well.
I walk to the kitchen to cut on a pot of coffee before taking out my antidepressants. I stare at the medication feeling dread wash over me at the sight of the orange translucent bottle. I hated taking them because the feeling they gave was nonexistent, it didn't help me; it just made me numb enough to not care. But I wanted to remember all of it, I didn't want to forget about him or just not care anymore.
The coffee maker dings, bringing me back to the present, as I take out a mug and pour myself a portion. No sugar, no cream, just black and lifeless like my heart.
Momma help me!!
Save me!!
My eyelids close, covering my vision in darkness, as the voices get louder surrounding my senses with his cries. He was calling out to me because he wanted me to save him but I was too late.
Waaa! Waaa!
Waaa! Waaa!
I try to ignore the tragic cries that follow, as it beckons me like a melody, making my feet move on their own accord to guide me. I was in a trance that led me right to the back deck overlooking the water, right to the place where it all happened. I stare out onto the lake as my mind takes over, taking me back to the moment that everything changed.
I watch my little boy in wonder as he runs around playing. It was a hot summer day, perfect for his first swim, and we had a lake just waiting for him to explore and discover new things. Hunter was curious about everything and at times would get into things just because he couldn't sit still. I was constantly worried about it so I always kept an eye on him. He was my world, my everything.
On this day because of the great weather my husband Carson 'took off from work' and we decided to spend a little family time together at our private cabin house. I was teaching Hunter how to swim while my husband stayed back on the deck sitting in the lounge chairs we had making phone calls. I was hoping that he would spend more time with us on this trip but that was wishful thinking. He hardly cared enough to keep that promise to me. I knew that but was so naive to think otherwise.
Needing a bathroom break I grab Hunter's hand as we walk towards his father. Carson seemed to be having a deep conversation though I didn't think anything of it as I sat Hunter on the blanket in front of his daddy telling Carson to 'Watch him' I saw him nod in a reply before making my way into the house.
I did my business before deciding to make sandwiches for lunch because I was getting a little hungry at this point and I'm sure they were as well. They'd been out there together for some time now and I was hoping that maybe they were doing some type of father/son bonding. But what I witnessed was nothing like what I was expecting.
"I made-" I stopped in mid stride as I saw Hunter reach out for his boat that had floated up stream before falling into the lake. The water surrounds him as he breathes it into his lungs coughing in the process.
"Mommy!! Help me!! Save me!!" I hear him cry out as his body sinks into the water, the currents pulling him under.
"Oh My God Hunter!!" I scream out in a horrified state dropping everything in my arms. I start running towards him, drawing my husband's attention to me, and the situation.
"Olivia!" Carson shouts following behind me. I only had that quick glance of him before he went under. I couldn't see him anymore and he never resurfaced either. My heart was literally beating out my chest as my panic level rose with every second.
"You were supposed to be watching him, why weren't you watching him!?!" I scream in panicked anxiety as I dive in. I resurfaced minutes later before going back under. It was a repeated process on and on. We searched and searched but he was never found. Police got involved and a search party was issued. I waited by the phone all day and night hoping, wishing, that they'd find him.
"You were supposed to be watching him, why weren't you watching him!?!" I repeat over again in screams at Carson as tears fall uncontrollably. That was all I could say as I felt hot all over and it was like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even think straight, "Oh God, my baby boy," I cried in agony before falling to the floor with Carson's arms around me to hold me up. He was just there in my arms and now he wasn't.
"It was an accident baby, please, I'm so sorry," Carson pleads as he holds me close, " I only stepped away for a second, just for a bit," he states, tightening his hold on me and it was suffocating, "He was making so much noise Olivia, so much noise. I couldn't concentrate, please forgive me. I'm so sorry," he cries but I couldn't care less. His pleas wouldn't bring Hunter back. It wouldn't change what happened.
"You were supposed to be watching him..."
"You were supposed to be watching him..."
"You were supposed to be watc-"
"Olivia-"
I came out of my thoughts to myself sitting in one of the lounge chairs and Carson shaking me whilst calling my name.
"Olivia? Can you hear me?" he asks with his hand still shaking my shoulder.
"What is it Carson?" I counter while shaking him off me. His touch burns my skin along with every other part of my body. I didn't want him near me as I couldn't stand his presence.
You were supposed to be watching him!!
I hear those words play again and again in my head, as I involuntarily close my eyes, whilst pulling my opened face knitted sweater closer to my body; whisking away those words that haunt me.
"I'm heading to work now, there was an emergency and they needed me to come in but I promise I'll come back later on tonight," he states while crouching down in front of me. Not touching me just giving me eye level. I look away to avoid any contact with him because I couldn't be around him without remembering what he did. Even though we were at the cabin house I was the only one who truly lived here now. He was only ever here on weekends and even then he always got called away. It was the same ole tune and I was sick of hearing it.
"I left the grocery list on the counter, please get them this time," he sighs before standing up while adjusting his tie like the professional he was. The need for approval is ever present, "Did you take your pills today?" He brings up with a concerned look on his face. I didn't know if it was fake or real. Did he, really truly, care about me and my wellbeing?
"Ummhmm," I grunt, pulling my legs to my chest while resting my chin on my knees. I didn't really, I couldn't even open the bottle. He wanted me to be numb, to not remember the pain of losing my baby. He didn't want me blaming him anymore I could tell.
"Olivia," he starts trying to get my attention but gets cut off by his phone ringing, "Hello? Yeah I'm on my way," he tells the person before hanging up. He stood there staring at me as if he wanted to say something else. He probably has a lot to say, not that I would listen. I just want to be done with it all. I wanted him to leave me alone for good.
"Olivia-"
"Have a good day at work," I say in a rush tone, cutting him off because I didn't want to hear what he was about to say. He didn't really care about me. Work was more important, it's always been more important.
He went to say something as his phone started ringing for the second time. He checks his watch before answering, "I told you I was on my way, what is so important now?" He asks as he walks away, not acknowledging me any further. Showing me who he really was no matter how much he tries to pretend with everyone else.
I look out on the lake as fresh tears fall. A soft breeze trickles at my skin and I can hear the soft giggles of a baby.
My baby, little Hunter, who was so full of laughter and life.
💔💔💔💔💔💔
"That'll be $105.19," the cashier at the grocery store states as she rings in the last few items. I hand her the cash as I glance around the store feeling uncomfortable. I hated being around people now, they were so upbeat, so happy. I hear a crash in the distance before a little boy screams bringing his mother's attention to the jar he broke.
"Ugh Hunter, You made a mess," she says before dropping down to pick it up while getting help from the staff.
Hunter?? I think as the walls start closing in on me, the air becomes too thick to breathe properly. I snatch the change from the cashier, who looks at me strangely, before bolting out the door with my cart. I had to get away from this place and back to him as the distance was killing me.
I speed walk to the car putting everything in the back seat before closing the door and hoping in the front seat. I lean onto the steering wheel as panic sets in. My breathing became none existent as I tried to get control of my thoughts.
He's not your son... he's not Hunter
Hunter's dead-....
Tears stream down my face as I breathe in the air I was holding. I sit up looking out in the distance as my grip on the wheel tightens. I take in more air as I feel myself begin to calm down. I didn't want to drive upset, I could endanger someone with the way I was feeling, with thoughts I was having. I wanted him to pay, I wanted the universe to take pity on me.
After getting myself together I start the car and drive home. I felt at home at the cabin house because it was where my heart was. I tried living in our house in the city after the accident but I just couldn't. I felt like I was leaving him behind, all alone and afraid. He needed me and I was not going to abandon him a second time .
When I get home a peaceful feeling falls over me as soon as I step back into the house as if everything was in alignment again.
Finally peace and quiet I think as I start to put the groceries away. I hear a knock on the door as I close the cabinet.
"Who is it?" I ask as I step towards the door to which there was no reply. I go to the door and open it. On the porch was a yellow envelope with my name on it. Strange I think while looking around but there was no one there.
I walk to the living room while opening it as I sit down.
Pictures of my husband with another woman
Ones of him smiling, laughing and playing with a little boy
Her, Carson and the little boy together doing things I could never capture because he was too busy.
In shock I just stared at them, spread out, exposed. My heart squeezes with every smile, every touch, every look that I see. I couldn't take it as I pushed them away before looking down to see a white piece of paper. Picking it up I see that it's a handwritten letter.
Poor Olivia,
Whatever you're thinking right now, yes it's absolutely true. He's moved on to something so much better. You hold him back but I can make him strong. You couldn't even give him the son he has always wanted. Whom he has always needed to feel like a man; his legacy. What kind of woman does that make you? What kind of a wife? A pathetic one if you ask me...:[
Just sign the papers and let him go. Let this non existent relationship you think you have go. It's over between you two, can't you see that?
I know this may seem hard for you to accept but I'm sure eventually you'll be fine. Carson wants to marry me and be a family with our son Carson Jr.
So I need you to stop being a bitch and just sign the damn papers already. We're already a family and you can't even have kids of your own. Why did you even get married in the first place?
I feel bad for you because of how pathetic you are. Yet I'm envious and jealous because you have him. That's why I'm writing you this letter because I want you to know. Just because you have his name.
His heart isn't yours.
XOXOX
My tears hit the page as I read the letter. She had no idea. She didn't know my struggles and she dared to question me as a woman. My heart was breaking everyday from his doing and he dared to twist the knife into my already open wound. My breathing became rushes of air as my pain grew larger. He lied to her about everything and started a family with her. What was wrong with us? Were we not good enough for him? Did we not appease him enough to satisfy his ego?
Did he let Hunter die on purpose?
My thoughts whisper as I drop the letter as it starts to feel burning to the touch upon my revaluation.
Did he let Hunter die and then watched me fall into despair as a result? Never once really helping and being the cause of all my disdain.
I cry out, fresh tears cover my face as I fall deeper into my thoughts. I didn't want to think that he would do this to me. I knew he wasn't ever around but to see this and know he has made a new family; I just couldn't. I couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, I couldn't move at all.
The walls close in on me as I lose my balance falling surrounded by the very pictures that plague my inner thoughts.
