Chapter One
[Valerie]
As surprising as it might sound, I had often pictured myself knocking on Death’s door exactly this way. It was something I feared, something that kept me up at night, and even then, I had no hope of being surrounded by loved ones or having a familiar tongue lick my face or a warm hand holding mine as I took my last breath.
The attack on us was unpredicted. We had planned our route carefully and took greater care to plan our own attack in a way that we had the upper hand. The unsuspecting pack we were meant to attack was supposedly out hunting to feed. Our kind were vulnerable when we hunted. Our senses became immersed in the scent of the blood of our prey; sweet and warm, our mouths overwhelmed with a craving for dripping, fresh meat. And that’s when the smell of those of our own kind became less potent.
Our plan was so sound, that even we were blindsided by the strange creatures who appeared out of nowhere. I was stunned when I first saw them; their tousled fur that appeared greasy even under the moonlight, and their yellow teeth when they beared them as they attacked. None of us had ever seen our kind sprinting between the trees on hind legs, and none of us possessed eyes as scarlet as the lunar eclipse.
Their vileness had shocked me to the point that all four of the limbs I stood on froze as if the blades of grass shackled me. I had just witnessed Amalia’s neck being severed, but even her gruesome death wasn’t as shocking as their appearance. Perhaps I felt nothing as I watched her lifeless body - her human body - collapse to the ground, because I had only met her a week before tonight. I barely had the chance to properly mourn, or cry out the way her mate’s wail cut through the trees, when one of those ghastly creatures sunk their teeth into my ribcage.
I was bleeding out. Too quickly. It was like a horror movie being played out right before my eyes, as bodies lost their sleek fur and dropped to the ground as if their lives were meaningless. The little air I had left in my lungs was enough to give me a moment to realize that my own life was just that - meaningless. Tonight was the night that I had hoped to change that, but as my warm blood oozed from the side I was laying on, so did a stray tear fall from my eye. My only hope was that my Alpha had heard the pain escape my lips as I took the form of my human body before I fell.
I had no right to have such hope. My Alpha, the leader of my pack, was the target of the second group of rogue wolves who called themselves Night Stalkers. The pack I had only recently joined - the outcasts - had planned two attacks tonight. And the attack on The Shadow Hunters was one I had instigated, with the promise of earning respect and gaining the title of ‘Alpha’, while I followed the Night Stalkers in pursuit of their attack against the Mystic Moon Pack. I knew little about the latter, except that their Alpha was a tyrant of a wolf, and his head was worth more off his shoulders than attached to it.
The battle continued as the Night Stalkers fought off our attackers. As I watched each werewolf fight for their lives, I realized that they were only doing so to protect themselves, and their mates - if they were lucky enough to have one. But the sight wasn’t something unusual to me. All my life I had been fighting for myself, fighting to be accepted, and even giving up the hope that I would find a mate to fight for. It has always been ‘every man for themselves’ for me. Even joining the Night Stalkers was an attempt to forge a better path, but now I could see how wrong I was. The rogue wolves didn’t care about anyone, they only used each other for the numbers, and those numbers were falling short as more of the deformed werewolves emerged from the shadows and raked their nails through the flesh of our pack. The leader of our group bolted for the darkness, but he was chased by two of our attackers, and I closed my eyes as his cry sliced through the air.
My chest was becoming heavier. I knew that the river was near, and if I pulled myself far enough, I would reach the water and take a sip so my throat wouldn’t feel as dry as it did. Close by, someone whose name I could barely recall except that I knew it was M? Mia? Melena? I called out to her, my voice hoarse as I did, but her eyes were the only part of her that witnessed the bloodshed. I turned onto my belly, wincing as more blood gushed from my wound, and struggled as I stretched my arm over my head. I shut my eyes as I felt a presence, my ears alert while whoever they were, sniffed my neck and barked. The sound was horrid, and I knew it belonged to one of the strange beings. One of the rogues took them down just inches from where I laid, and ran off to gut another.
I opened my eyes to see a field of slain werewolves. I swallowed the bile that reached my throat and mustered all my fading strength to pull myself forward. It was useless. I had lost too much blood and was a fool for thinking that I would survive this. If anything, I would die a useless death, just like those around me, and I had to come to terms with it.
I turned around again, placing one hand over my wound to stop the bleeding just enough so I could find a comfortable position. If I was going to die, I would do so looking at the stars. And for the first time I appreciated the onyx canvas with its bright constellation. I wondered if I would have been a star in the sky if my blotched soul wasn’t fated for the troughs of hell. I wondered if the two stars that sparkled brighter than the rest, belonged to my parents. Maybe they were only brighter in my eyes - eyes which now pooled with tears I refused to shed - because hope still flickered in my heart. And as long as there was life in my lungs, that hope thrived, much to my dismay.
I had never met my real parents. And the ones I knew didn’t love me the way biological parents love their children. I always knew that. Maybe it was their lack of thorough love that made me depend on myself alone. The rogue werewolves had left, not even once bothering to check if any of us were breathing still. And in some ways I was glad that the ones who managed to get away didn’t discover that I was still alive. If my parents were to open their door to a half-breathing mutt, it would only solidify what a failure I was. They wouldn’t say as much, but I always noticed the look they gave me when I failed to accomplish the things I had set out to do.
Maybe it was just bad luck. I hardly believed that luck had anything to do with one’s life. But I had always tried to do better, be better, to no avail. My parents raised me with the strong belief that nothing was unattainable if you put the work in. But no matter how hard I tried, I was always the one who was overshadowed, overpowered and overlooked.
I watched as another star lit up in the sky, and wondered if the Moon Goddess had finally decided to pay attention to me. Endless questions detained the last bit of life I had. Whys. Why did She choose this day as my end? Why did she make me? Why, at the age of twenty three, had I not found my mate? Why did I live the life I did? Why was it meaningless? All these questions, and yet She chose to smile down on me in the form of the brightest star in the sky. I couldn’t tell if She was pleased with me, or if Her smile was mocking. Either way, I could no longer bear to see those three stars, and closed my eyes as a shooting pain ripped through my chest, touching my heart that remained untouched for so long, and behind my eyelids, I saw what really hurt.
It was the dream I had always dreamt as a young girl. As young girls, we often daydream of a great love, one that swells your heart and curls your toes, and breathes life into every fibre of your being. I had never experienced that feeling, and my daydreams turned into the dreams I had while I was asleep. And now, as eternal sleep dawned upon me, I was met with the very same dream that plagued me for years.
The woods weren’t as dark as they were now. The trees bore fruits and gleaming green leaves, the sun penetrated the grass below. I was in my wolf form, meandering through thick trunks on paws that felt light. My fur was a dazzling light brown in the sunlight, and I soared across the river as if I had grown wings. The sounds of stomping weren’t just my own, and I felt unlike I had felt all my life. I wasn’t alone, but whoever chased me didn’t threaten me. Instead, they filled me with the kind of warmth I had been yearning for, my heart so full, it felt like the longest hug. As I trekked up the mountain, I changed into my human self, smiling over my shoulder as I did. And when we reached the top, I felt arms wrap around my waist as someone embraced me from behind, and I giggled like the little girl who was lost somewhere inside me. Whoever he was, he brought me joy, and the sound of his laughter mingled with mine as I fell onto the blanket of grass atop the mountain, and day turned to night. We watched the stars, but not the way I watched them now. We counted them as a means to proclaim our love. And as soon as I turned to look at the one who made me less lonely, I only saw his dark mane. I reached out and touched his shoulder, and as soon as I did, he faded away and drifted off with the wind. And then I’d wake up and feel empty again.
Only this time, I didn’t wake up. But the empty feeling consumed me. I refused to open my eyes again as fear prevented me from facing the harsh reality. So I said my goodbyes, to no one in particular. Maybe the stars that watched over me would hear me - know that I was awaiting my release. The dream played in reverse, and I forced my mind to pause the moment I reached out to touch him, just so that I could see him again, even if I couldn’t see his face. What mattered was that he was real to me, even if that reality only existed in my dreams. And the longer I kept him in my mind’s eye, the closer I was to seeing him turn his face towards me. My breath stuttered, and the pain was unbearable, but I had to see his face. So I held on just a little longer, waiting for him to fully turn. His lips came to view - plump and full of life - and I felt my life drain from every nerve-ending. My fingers were numb, and I could hear my heartbeat slow down. I used my final breath, and felt the words escape my lungs.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t find you.”
~*~
