GARDENYA

HELLO!😊

Don't think he doesn't feel because he doesn't talk or tell.

Someone's throwing it in."

*Cemal Sureya*

I just got out of school and I'm going home to change. The university that I started this year tired me a lot. If I'm this tired from the first day, I have no idea what to do during the year...

It was a 15-minute walk between my house and school. I continued walking slowly towards my house.

For no reason, a smile appeared on my face. This smile was a harbinger of good things to me.

Everyone had a belief. I always believed and trusted my inner voice. I took a deep breath into my lungs. This is how I was trying to get rid of the tiredness of the day. How successful I was was a mystery.

I came to my building. I started climbing the stairs with the same slowness. I always liked the sound of footsteps spreading around. I could listen to this sound for a long time.

Especially if I was making that sound, it gave a different peace of mind. It may sound silly, but if you're a person like me, anything you think might be so uncomfortable would give you peace of mind.

I had come to my house. I took off my shoes and placed them in the shoe rack on the left side of the door. I got in quickly. I left my key chains in the bowl on the cloakroom at the entrance and walked towards my room.

I immediately took my white shirt and pink pleated skirt from my closet and put them on. I waved my hair slightly, drew thin eyeliner on my eyelids, applied a lipstick of the same color as my skirt, and headed to the cloakroom, again taking my white shoes with a pink handbag and looking at myself in the mirror. It was pretty good.

I was dressed in pinks and I loved it. It was my style and I was happy like that. I left the room and looked at myself for the last time in the mirror in the entrance and smiled.

"I love you"

"We're here, sister"

."

I paid the taxi driver the amount written on the taximeter and got out of the taxi. I walked towards the cafe.

The cafe I came to offered a nice view with the 'welcome' lettering on its door, the fence of which was covered with ivy. When I entered the door, colorful flowers greeted me on both sides of the stone path.

I smiled and looked at the flowers. I bent down slowly and sniffed as if inhaling my mother's scent.

When I was little, my mother and I always planted colorful flowers in the garden. But when my mother died, I never planted flowers again, I didn't even step foot in the garden where I planted flowers with my mother. What a pity that I stopped doing anything that reminded me of the woman who once raised me.

However, since the day I lost him, I had slept by smelling his combed cotton.

Sometimes one would need words of love to satisfy one's own soul, not others. Because that person is hungry for love.

I quickly took my keys from the bowl on the cloakroom and went downstairs. Since I didn't know exactly where I was going, I didn't get in my car and decided to call a taxi.

In fact, I was a little scared because I got a new driver's license. Although I formed a brotherhood with Azrael...

It's not just me, my dad forgot about it too. He had made a new life for himself. He was married. A snake as I call it. I hate that man.

I closed my eyes, which started to fill up, and took a deep breath. I couldn't handle a crisis.

I rushed inside as if Murat would leave me if I didn't hurry. The last thing I want is for Murat to leave me.

Maybe he was the only person I could call the only person who connected me to life when I lost everyone in my life. He was my lover.

I entered the cafe with my right foot. My mother used to say that entering with the right foot would bring good luck. I wandered around for a while. He was waiting for me at a table by the window.

I walked towards Murat's seat. I sat in the chair opposite him. I slowly started to look at Murat. He was wearing a white shirt and jeans. She had her hair done as usual.

I put my bag on the table with a smile. Murat acted before me when I parted my lips to speak.

I told him where I was going to take a taxi. After the fast flowing road, I turned to him with the sound of the taxi.

His face was so serious when he said this that it scared me. For about a month, Murat was behaving very strangely, not taking care of me like before and always avoiding me, his eyes don't look like they used to, though he wasn't holding my hand like before, though he wasn't holding me at all anymore.

"Murat, I'm really tired today. I did a lot of things."

I was doing my best not to say what I was afraid of right now. It might sound stupid, but I needed love.

Murat straightened himself slightly in his seat and continued his speech.

"Let's break up."

Let's break up...

Four syllables, one word. Such a short and yet such a terrible word. Its presence harms, its absence benefits.

As the smile on my face slowly faded, I thought maybe I misunderstood. I made a sound that I didn't understand, as if asking him to repeat it, hoping that he would say I was joking.

huh"

He took a sigh of relief and continued his sentence.

"Let's break up."

The man who said he loved me all these years wanted to break up with me. I slowly lifted my bowed head and looked into his eyes.

I laughed and spoke

"Are you kidding me?"

"It's not funny"

In fact, he and I both knew very well that he was not joking. I was just trying to console myself. Even a single word from Murat's mouth was enough to make me devastated or happy, everything depended on what he would say.

Murat, like me, laughed a little and started talking.

"Understand, I've had enough of you and your goddamn sickness!"

It had an unexpected turn out.

You disappointed me Murat CANTEPE.

So he's fed up with my illness?

I began to speak as my eyes slowly filled with tears.

"Is it my fault you're sick?"

"Being sick may not be your fault, but not working is your fault. You always used your illness as an excuse and didn't leave my side. But up to a point. I also have the right to have fun and go out with my friends. What's my fault if you can't do these things?"

I have always tried to heal up until now, but the doctors said that there was no other choice but to have surgery. I applied for part-time jobs to avoid getting paid from my father. If I don't have surgery in two years... There are many things my peers could do but I couldn't because of my weak heart from birth, but I never interfered with Murat having fun or going out with his friends. Never get involved...

I took a deep breath, I had to be strong. Although I can't. Azrael was my brother.

I never said anything like that to you?" My voice cracked towards the end.

"You didn't say, but circumstances demanded it. Anyway, I don't want to talk about your goddamn disease now"

He was speaking very offensively to me. If someone came and said that Murat would say these things to you, I wouldn't believe it, I would say he wouldn't. Didn't people like this always upset us?

I just wanted to ask one thing...

"Do not you love me?"

He looked me in the eyes and began to speak.

"I don't love you and your illness. You know what? I hate it. You're not dead so that we can be saved. Your father and I will be saved, go to your mother! Let everyone get rid of you so that your pain will be relieved!"

Am I redundant in this world, do I really have to die? If everyone will be saved when I die...

I don't know when Murat left me there, but I got rid of my thoughts and the chirping sounds of my watch. Apparently, my heart was showing its weakness again.

Ignoring the sounds coming from my watch, I took the glass that I didn't know when it came and quickly threw it on the ground.

I was doing this because now we should be comfortable with Murat. I was doing this because I was tired of being a burden. I was doing this because I was abandoned by the man I had devoted my years to.

I immediately bent down and quickly picked up one of the pieces that had been broken off the ground. People slowly approached me and started shouting at me to stop. I told those who tried to approach me that I would kill myself if they came and tried to drive them away. I'm going to kill myself whether they come or not...

I don't know how big the world would be, but I didn't have a world. I was too tired. It was the only way out for me at that moment. I wanted to throw myself into the arms of the Azrael, not knowing whether I would really be comfortable in the next world.

I was carrying the glass in my hand towards my wrist when someone from behind grabbed my wrists and grabbed my wrist more as I tried to get away. Tears spilled from my filled eyes and made their way down my neck. from there to my heart...

"Let go! I want to die. I'm sick of being a burden to people, sick of this goddamn disease. I want to go home to my mother!"

He stroked my hair slowly to calm me down

"Shhhhh" he had a naive voice, too naive for a man.

The song I just realized was playing and its voice started to resonate in my brain.

"A tear fell from your black eyes"

"Kara gözlerinden bir damla yaş düşünce"

"Your beautiful face will get your cheeks wet."

"Güzel yüzün yanakların ıslanır"

"When you kill yourself, nothing will happen to you, you will hurt those who love you."

I sniffed like a child.

"Does anyone love me?" I asked.

The man behind me laughed lightly, as if to reassure me. She had a good laugh.

"Of course you do. You have friends and most importantly your mother"

It was news that my mother was absent. what a pain...

I pursed my lip like a child and began to speak.

"But my mother is dead and I want to go to her."

" Do not cry"

"Sen ağlama"

"One drop of tear is enough."

"Bir damla gözyaşın yeter"

The man behind me took a deep breath and continued to speak.

"Yes, he may be dead, but he's watching you, won't he be upset when he sees what you're doing to himself? Do you want to upset your mother?"

I realized my mistake and shook my head no.

"Well, let's put down what you've got and let's not worry your mother."

As if hypnotized, I immediately let go of the glass in my hand. He slowly brought me back. He

expected me to look at him, but I was stubbornly staring at the windows on the floor.

He spoke with a pleasant voice.

"Do you want a hug?"

Sometimes there are moments when you need a hug from someone you don't know. You wait for the trust in those arms.

I expected trust in this man's arms.

I slowly lifted my head and looked into his honey-colored eyes. His eyes did not deceive me, he looked as if he wanted to reassure me. When I nodded my head yes, he opened his arms.

I quickly slid into his arms and started to cry, as if waiting for him to hug me.

His hands were stroking my hair and trying to calm me down.

" Do not cry"

"Sen üzülme"

"Don't be sad my rose"

"Gülüm gamzende "

"Your roses will end in your dimple."

" Güllerin biter"

After a while, when I stopped crying, he got me up and sat me on the chair. I don't know when my clock went off, but it was silent.

This boy was good to me...

He took my hands in his palms and crouched on the ground like a little child. He smiled warmly and began to speak.

" Are you okay?"

I spoke with a smile that I was sure was warm too.

"Yes"

"Well then, I'm leaving, young lady."

Before I knew what it was, words that I had never anticipated slipped from my lips.

"If you don't leave me? So I have no one and no one has acted like you since I was little, will you be friends with me?"

He smiled lightly at me

"Of course"

He extended his hand to meet.

"Mert"

I took the outstretched hand.

"Damla "

"Damla , beautiful name"

I smiled.

"Mert, nice name"

NOTE: The story is in Turkish, but it has been translated into English.

Name of the song in the story: BADEM Sen Ağlama