2018
28th July, 2018
Everything feels so cold tonight, like I'm freezing but still not frozen. Like the world has brought upon me a twisted game. I love him so much, he is my best friend. Or was? God knows I don't want to admit that he is gone. That I'll never hear his laugh anymore, that I won't listen to his jokes like before. God it cannot be true, that now six feet means so far away.
I remember last night I told the doctors, that they didn't need to lie I'll be okay if he dies. But that's a lie cause I turned to god right after, and asked if it was worth it. To leave me so broken. I know he's beautiful and you wanted him back to you, but was it worth it? To see this child so broken. Left with so many unspoken words. God it cannot be worth it, I just wish you would look at me and restart the beating of his heart
I'm marking this day in my heart, the 28th of July when his life faded away. Disappeared from me, leaving me alone. Hopelessly torn.
He gave me a reason, something to live for. I know. And now I'm left crying with no best friend to give me a shoulder. I wish I was older and bolder so I could face the world without him
God I wish I was here with him.
God I wish I was here with him.
It's a bitter sweet feeling losing all the will to fight anymore. It's a sour feeling thinking I will have to fight all this depression alone. With no hand to hold. That I will drink the tea in the darkness all alone.
God I wish he was here with me
God I wish he was here with me
But he isn't here, won't ever be here with me again. I look out the window, I always loved the rain. No I was always jealous of it.
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of how it's so peaceful
I'm jealous of how it brings happiness even when it's crying
I'm jealous of how it's so free
I'm just Jealous
I'm just jealous of the rain
It falls from the sky with no fear
It falls to wash sadness away
Makes everyone smile
Does everything I cannot
I'm jealous of the rain
But maybe my description was wrong, cause it's not always peaceful it can be destructive just like human beings. It can bring emptiness when it brings back all the memories. And it definitely isn't washing my sadness away.
I remember last night it was raining like now, I was talking to him on the phone. He told me he wanted to see the rain, but he could not even stand up. So I called him in video call, went outside and showed him the rain. He laughed even though it hurt him, caused him pain. I thought it was the power of the rain. But was it? But was it? Cause he died still. Just after looking at the rain.
He told he loved me, but I didn't need him anymore. That he had to go, that he had to go. But didn't he realize I needed him more than I needed myself? I needed him more than I needed life? He told me to be strong, that I was here for a reason. But fuck all the reasons, fuck fate. How would I go on without him?
I don't know where to begin, I think I forgot how to live.
29th July, 2018
Can somebody hear my voice? I'm here, I'm still here. Listen to me! Please listen to me..
I'm losing my mind. I can't breath yet I'm alive. I beg someone to hear me.
Nobody talks to me anymore, they just give me pity glances. Like I'm some weirdo. Can't talk to my companions, the family that knows what's going on with me don't talk to me.
So I don't speak cause nobody is listening anyway. There is no point in breaking the silence because everyone with turn a deaf ear. It's like the world has given on caring, I don't mind. I've given up on caring. Just learning to accept, accepting my damaged soul.
30th July, 2018
Shawn told me I have to let go, that I'm drowning myself in pain. He told me it's time to let go of his brother and accept the fact that god loved him more. But how could I? I'm not judging god. I'm judging my own capability. The moment his name is brought up, my heart gets farther away from me. And my mind only gets blanker
I try to tell myself again and again that it's just letting go. But how do you let go when it's this deep? And I know all that's constant in my life right now is panic attacks, insomnia and whole lot of depression
31st July, 2018
They always say that time will heal you,
Hey , I don't think that I've been healed, so is it really true?
Cause let's be real, time is all I got
And I know it's just been a couple of days but it feels like years, years of torture without him. Without Elijah.
Everything hurts so deeply to my bone. I can't even show how much the pain has grown. Every little thing in my life drives me insane.
When they ask me now if I'm alright, I tell a pretty lie, that everything is alright I was feeling better. But the truth is he takes all the seconds I have every single day.
And my heart wants to break, cause there is no one else in my life that understands this wreck. Can't understand me like he did, even when I hid, he knew how I was feeling Inside. Now I just want to disappear but don't know how to.
I wish I were like the moon.
I'm so jealous of the moon.
I'm jealous of the moon
It looks so peaceful in the dark
Not afraid of what hides in it
It shines brightly for the world
Even at its worst
Even if they forget about her in the morning
She still comes back to show us her greatness.
But I'm not the moon, I'm afraid of the darkness. Cause it's where my demons lay, and when the whole world forgets me, I don't think I would ever learn to love it again. The only moon I've ever seen is Elijah, and now he is up above with the stars, while I'm here below, alone forever.
