Strange Mind
Gross. Well, at least that's what I mumble when I see Mr. Popular spit on the ground. I can't get my head around why people do it, it isn’t cool, not one little bit. I, myself, find spitting on the ground repulsive and if you ask me I don’t see how I could be wrong and I haven’t got a clue as to why he thinks it’s cool or at the very least not disgusting. There are times when I can’t help but wonder why people like him do it, I would just say why boys do it but honestly with the fucked up klunk shank do I’m quite sure it isn’t just the male population that do it too although it seems to be that way. Sometimes I wish everyone a violent death, yesterday I saw this girl spit on the sidewalk and then earlier this morning I saw this other man spit on the ground right next to me but he had something he didn’t like in his mouth but still it was gross. Go spit on something else far away from me, far far away from me please and thank you people who I do not know and do not wish to know. Anyways I continued on my merry way to my English class, the first break had just ended. Now it was time for my third and last period of the day.
I love Wednesdays because of this reason though it is only my first Wednesday of the school year. School tends to be hard and stressful for me, like it is for everyone else, so getting out of bed is pretty hard which is why sometimes I just simply don’t get out of bed resulting in a day off. On Wednesdays I guess it doesn’t matter since I only have three classes today. Wednesday. It is not generally a day I enjoy, usually it's a day full of cooking basically and I am not one for cooking, I have a slight fear of knives so I like to avoid them. I ask the teacher to start the stove because it’s one of those stoves that require a lighter to start and when I ask him he does it but it makes him annoyed, he says things like 'You should know how to do this' and 'Why can’t you do this?' It really gets on my nerves just like I get on his, I like to think.
Once I arrive at my class and take my usual seat up front I grab my book out from my blue bag and my pencil case, plopping them gently on my desk earning a small thud. The teacher walks into the classroom and starts talking, he starts talking about what we’ll be doing this term, classwork and our assignments, we’ll be doing them in class too. We end up having to write about our family life but only what we were comfortable with him knowing. I just sit there trying to figure out what to do until he says that if we want we can just do dot points instead of an Intro, paragraphs and of course a conclusion also a meaning to what family means to us. I find it kind of a hard task because I’m not sure what to put so I just put down this:
My slightly younger brother, Lachlan and I live with our grandmother, Susanne.
We both do not know our fathers well but we don’t care, a mother and grandmother are plenty and more than we could ask for.
Our mother, Evren, has schizophrenia and on occasion has breakdowns which is part of the reason we are not currently living with her.
We are very close with each other and are all we each have.
Family to me means what Bobby Singer and Dean Winchester from the TV show SUPERNATURAL said. “Once a wise man told me, ‘Family don’t end in blood,’ but it doesn’t start there either. Family cares about you. Not what you can do for them. Family is there, for the good, bad, all of it. They got your back. Even when it hurts. That’s family.”
That's all I put down. All I can do right now is pray that this is good enough for him and what he asked for because if not then I don’t know what to put down in replacement of this information.
Also if you can’t tell by now, I’m a huge SUPERNATURAL fan, well you should be able to tell by now but if you can’t, I’m a huge SUPERNATURAL fan but that isn’t the point right now. After I finished writing what I have just written I raise my hand letting the teacher know I am done. “I’ll be right there, Esme” Mr. Calixtra says before turning around to quickly help the student currently in front of him. After a few minutes he walks over to the front of my desk and reads what I have written. “Oh my” He says while reading it. “Good job” and with that he’s probably gone to go see another student. I think it is safe to say that I’ve done my work right, which actually kind of feels like something I rarely do or at least in my opinion and is without a doubt a relief. The bell finally rings and everyone puts their belongings away and leaves the classroom. Everyone rushes out pushing shoving each other which is why I stay seated for a few seconds so that I don’t get stuck in that mess.
I’m going home now. I can’t help but think to myself as I exit the classroom and feel the nice cold breeze on my face. The cold air feels amazing on my face, keeping me nice and cool as I walk out of the school and to my mothers house where she takes me to my grandmother’s house which is where I live.
Once I’m home I say goodbye to my mother as I hug her then I go into the house, being greeted by my grandmother then I go change out of my uniform into an old T-shirt and old pair of pants, take my shoes off and jump onto my bed placing my phone on charge before putting on my favourite playlist to make myself happy after I come home from school. School never really makes me happy, especially now that I’m borderline friendless but this playlist almost always cheers me up. I hate school and I always have, in kindergarten I could cry, scream and eventually undress myself out of my school uniform in the boys bathrooms although I was a girl. I never liked school and I’m one hundred and fifty percent sure that I’ll never like it, school is torture, I would much rather lay in bed all day doing nothing but being in my head with the voices, it beats school by far but unfortunately I cannot. I understand why but it still sucks.
Right now I lay staring at the ceiling for a bit just thinking a little before closing my eyes and losing myself deep inside my mind. That isn’t really the best place to be. Cut yourself up. Scream. Kill yourself. No one loves you. You’re a disappointment. Esme, kill yourself. Everyone wants you too, including yourself, so do it, coward. He’s going to come back. He isn’t gone but if you want to be safe from him all you have to do is end it all. It’s that simple. Do it. Do it. Just take a blade and cut the vein. Bleed to death, you can do it, we all believe in you. Eventually I somehow snap out of it and when I do I’m no longer laying on my bed but I’m in the kitchen with a very sharp knife pressed against my wrist as if I’m going to slit it. I drop the knife and it lands just in front of my feet missing my toes by less than an inch. A Tear falls down my cheeks, I wipe the tear with the back of my hand but more come down to replace them and once I wipe them away there are more to be wiped. It's an endless circle of wiping so I just give up and let the tears slide down my cheeks one by one.
I leave the knife where it is on the floor, leave and go back to my bedroom and hug my stuffed animal, he’s a monkey named Mr. Monkey, I know not a creative name but I’ve had him since I was around three years old and I did not get around to naming him so I just settled on Mr. Monkey and if anyone had a problem with that then they can go away because he’s mine and so it shouldn’t matter to other people at all. Nobody, nobody but me. I layed in bed hugging my monkey until it was dinner time, for dinner we had steak and vegetables. Dinner was awkward how it tends to be sometime, sometimes there is tension, I am not one hundred percent sure why but that’s just how it is at times but a least the TV is going and we can watch that most times even though it's just the new so it isn’t really something interesting well at least to me. After dinner I shower straight away since it isn’t my turn to wash up then I go back into my bed and attempt to sleep. I can’t seem to fall asleep so I just go on my phone, after a while I put music on and put my phone beside me and attempt to sleep again, this time though it was a success and I managed to fall asleep, it may only be nine PM but God knows that I’m in need of some sleep with the amount of late nights that I’ve had recently staying up almost all night. It’s not my fault or maybe it is, I’m not sure but I don’t care I’m not going to blame myself, it’s the stupid pediatritions fault, she won’t up my medication and it’s needed, very needed.
When I wake up the next morning I can’t help but groan before sitting up, legs crossed staring at my wall that has DreamSMP fanart on it. I hate waking up early, especially for school. School isn’t worth it and I am borderline friendless at this current time. All of my friends either don’t go to school, are online or aren’t good people to hang out with. Sometimes I wish I could repeat this school year again because I’ve done shit and maybe it’ll give me a chance to make new friends so that when It’s my turn to go out into the big world out there I won’t be alone with no one by my side. I don’t think I could handle that to be honest. I stand up and grab some clothes before exiting the room and having a quick shower, the shower is hot, really hot. I only have hot showers because I like the feeling of the water going down my back, I love the heat when it burns my skin.
After my shower I get dried and dressed in my uniform before exiting the bathroom and going to have breakfast which is just a chocolate UP&GO as usual so just liquid Wheat Bix, I drink that in my room on my bed. I don’t know why but it’s the only thing that I will have in the mornings for breakfast most times but on occasion I’ll have actual food, usually eggs or cheese melted on toast.
Once I’m at school I go to the library to chill out before going off to CAFS which is Community and Family studies, one of my favourite classes which is saying something because I cannot stand school at all. I feel like shit, I would much rather be at home watching television but that’s not really an option today. Ringggg. That is the bell, off to class I go. CAFS was good. It surprisingly wasn’t boring, it was quite entertaining and the class and teacher minus me, I had no input to add like usual. They have decided to do early morning classes instead of fifth period classes meaning that we have a class at eight O’clock in the morning instead of two- twenty in the afternoon when we are all tired and not in the mood to actually do the assigned work. I like my teachers for that class, both Miss. Lincoln and Miss. Louise. I have Miss Lincoln once a week and Miss. Louise every other time we have CAFS.
After the CAFS class was break one, I just went to the library and started reading a random book. It was a good book, the main character was funny and totally gay for the other main character, it seems like it’ll be a good book so I’ll have to continue to read tomorrow. I would borrow it but I don’t like borrowing because I’m scared I’ll lose them before I can even think of bringing them back, it happens every damn time and let me tell you when I say it’s not my kink I mean it, it really isn’t. I’m still so keen on reading the book though it kind of seems like it’ll be a sad one to read so I best start bringing tissues to school with me for now on I guess. Break one goes for forty minutes with a bell ringing at twenty minutes signalling that it’s half time and the teachers to swap duties.
differently, better or for worse but I can’t see me down the track. It’s stupid. Absolutely and one hundred percent stupid.
Work studies. A class where you learn about making resumes, getting a job and so much more. It seems like it would be a boring class and I will admit there are times when you just would rather gouge your eyeballs out with a spoon but they are not always boring, no, in fact sometimes they are the funnest classes of your term or week. The teacher Miss. Maegen is a lovely teacher, she’s funny and she’s chill just don’t make her angry, she’s one of those people where they are the sweetest most kindest people ever until they're mad. I’m not trying to say she is The Spawn of Satan or something, she's just a little scary when she is angry. Today we learned about expenses and other things related to that. I enjoyed it, I may not have a job and so that information is not necessary for me at this time but it’s good to know and the lesson was fun although it was just writing and listening to her talk it was a good lesson and ended my school day on a good note.
After the lesson was done I left again but this time I went to the park with a friend of mine, His name is Niklaus but goes by Nik. He’s a good guy, he’s funny and a complete dork but he’s the best dork that I know. It was so fun at the park.
“Esme watch this” Nik spoke as he attempted to shove me to the ground. “Wow, that’s quite impressive” I said through my laughs. He’s so silly, couldn’t even push me to the floor right. Nik groaned when he landed on the ground and I would have too, the ground is hard, he really shouldn’t have done that if he didn’t want to get hurt. He stood up and we moved to the grass and just sat down for about thirty minutes talking and messing around. “How’ve you been?” he asked me with a smile which showed off his red band braces. “Good mostly, I think, what about you?” I asked him. “Same here” was his response, if only he knew the truth and about what goes on inside my head. “That’s good to hear” “yes it is” “Doing anything this weekend?” “Nah, not really, probably just going to play D&D with my boys, you?” “That sounds nice and fun. I got nothing on besides staying at mums but we won’t do anything or go out” ''yep, damn, sounds like a chill weekend, Bitch.” “So rude but yes” “I’m sorry” “As you should be”. That was how our conversations went just about and then maybe twenty minutes later give or late we had to leave. We said our goodbyes before walking off our separate ways.
Nik is a good kid, he’s younger than me though, he is fifthteen where I am seventeen, but he wags class from time to time, usually with me I think but usually I’ve got a free period when I ditch, well it’s not a free period it’s actually a study but I highly doubt people actually use it for its actual purpose until it’s too late for an assignment. We usually wag and go to the park after we go to the plaza to buy ourselves a drink and some oreos because why not, we're hungry, don’t really have anything to do and we’ve got nothing to eat. He’s very chill and funny. He loves Pennywise from the movie, TV show and book IT, as do I, Pennywise is a sexy beast. Nik is a good man and he knows how to make a bad day a great day with just a few words. After the park with Niklaus I called my mother and she came to get me and take me home to my grandma’s house, now usually I would go to mums and stay for a while but I kind of want to just go home. I can go to hers tomorrow sometime, might be a little bit later but who cares, as long as I go to her house for over an hour it doesn't matter what day it is I go over, I guess or at least it should not matter anyways.
If it does matter then she’ll just have to get over it. I love her but I also love and need my alone time and time with my friends. She’ll just have to try and understand, she once was a teenager so she should understand what I need, which is alone time and time to hang around with my friends. Even if that means that I might need to spend less time with her and nana, she should get it. When she was seventeen she left her mum, lived on the streets and with a biker gang so she should truly understand that being alone is important and she should try to understand, she should get it more than any other adult that I know.
On the way home my mother and I barely speak and when we do it's the usual, ‘How are you?’ and ‘How was school’ things like that, the boring questions that are always asked repeatedly about a million times a day, none stop. Once I arrived home I hopped out of the car and gave my mum a hug before going into the house greeting my grandma with a hug and a greeting then walked to my bedroom. When I got in my room I took off my shoes and white school shirt, climbed onto my bed and went on my phone, responding to random people on snapchat and my online friends, Axel and Declan. I say I’m borderline friendless because I’m not really allowed to have my phone at school so I don’t have it, but it isn’t the same, I still tend to feel lonely and I hate that so much because they both mean so much to me.
I feel shit for still feeling alone because I can’t physically touch them, I have them and if that is by phone I mean shouldn’t that be enough? Why isn’t it enough for me? I’m an awful friend and person, the voices are right, they’re always right. I talk with them boys for a little while before just laying in bed staring at the ceiling again which is actually an extremely common thing for me to do. I started off doing it because there wasn’t anything at all to do but now I just do it because why not and I guess still because what else is there to do besides this, really. When I stare at the ceiling I eventually lose myself in my mind which isn’t really a place I enjoy but it beats being absolutely bored out of my mind, body and soul, ahaha.
The voices are always here, mostly. They are never nice to be with but they’re not always loud, sometimes they are quiet but mean still. I hate them, the voices, I take tablets for them but they do not work so well because I still end up crying myself to sleep some nights, more than just a few. You’re a disappointment, you’re a waste of time and money. You’re incredibly loud and annoying which is why you’re short of friends. If your online friends knew you in person you’d be even more friendless than you currently are now. The voices don’t know how to be nice, they couldn’t be nice to me or anyone even if it was to save my life. Oh who am I kidding they want me dead why would they want to save my useless life.
Why am I the one that got Schizophrenia? Why couldn’t it have been my brother, nevermind, I don’t want him suffering from the voices, I don’t need him being depressed. I don’t think I could handle my brother having depression, it sucks, I think it would kill me if he had it. I’m glad my brother didn’t get it, I think I got it from my mother because I know she’s got it but she also Apparently has Bipolar disorder but turns out she doesn’t have it, just schizophrenia which I managed to get if that’s a way to get it, from a parent. I think I’m going to go to bed for a little, today isn’t going to be different from my others. The days are boring as hell, even the holidays were boring, it sucked and still sucks.
