Chapter 1
Late at night at the block of a packaging facility, workers are getting ready to work the night shift.
“Hey Robert, you doin’ alright tonight?” Dave asks.
“Yeah, just hate getting stuck with the night shift.”
“Been getting it a lot these days,” Robert responds while checking in.
“Yeah I know what you mean, during the day it’s so much brighter here,” Dave says.
A lady with a bright-colored bow on her head in a normal work suit hastily walks in.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with you two, the night shift is the best!” Gina says.
“I have doubts about that,” Dave responds.
“Oh Dave, don’t let the darkness of the night scare you,” Gina says with a chuckle.
“Honestly Gina, I think Dave is more scared of the rats than the darkness outside,” Robert says.
“Now that I can agree with, but at least there’s not an army of them that scurry around at night.”
“One’s enough to scare the hell out of me”
“They need to get an exterminator before an army of them do appear,” Dave says with a gag.
“Yeah, so are we the only one's tonight?” Gina asks.
“I think Mark’s the supposed to be coming in and I think that’s it,” Dave says.
“Well, I guess we better get to working then and stop the chit-chat,” Gina says while picking up some boxes.
A little while later…
“Dave, can you help me with these boxes over here?” Robert says.
“Yeah sure, let me just finish with this paperwork real quick.”
Just as Dave helps Robert move a box, rat sprints from underneath.
“Shit”
Robert lets out a loud chuckle followed by Gina’s laugh.
“God, I hate those fucking creatures.” Dave says while breathing very rapidly.
Gina walks over and pats Dave on the shoulder. “You’ll get used to them you just got to adjust!”
Dave looks back with a bewildered look on his face.
“ADJUST??”
“Are you crazy?”
“I could never adjust to those disgusting creatures!”
Gina laughs loudly.
Robert looks over in admiration.
“I think you can manage, we’re so much bigger than them. They’re just as scared as we are.”
Dave walks away and starts muttering to himself.
“I’ll manage alright.”
“Okay, we need to get these packed and shipped off,” Gina says.
One by one they start moving boxes back and forth.
“Don’t you think it’s strange that Mark hasn’t shown up?” Dave says
“He’s probably alright...he may be caught up in something,” Robert says.
I saw that you were looking for feedback on the opening chapter. It may be personal, but for me I was wanting to know more about the setting of the facility - some description / atmosphere directly or clues in the characters speech / what they were doing. However, the speech does flow well and keeps interest so far. I hope that helps you. Thank you
There’s something profoundly human in your writing. You don’t just build characters, you unfold them. Their emotions, flaws, and little sparks of hope make the story feel heartbreakingly alive. It’s rare to see writing that captures both pain and beauty so effortlessly. This chapter in particular carried a quiet strength; it hit harder than I expected, and it stayed. You’ve created something that resonates on a soul level.