It’ll Always Be You

The grief, the despair, the guilt, the emptiness of the heart. I lay awake at night thinking about all the things you could've done better if there had been any danger of me being the issue. The tint of your eyes conveyed to me the image of a shattered, lost soul. Your sclera had a brown tint to it, but your dark brown eyes made it appear lighter. Although the smile in my thoughts seemed to be a cheerful one, you were dark and unhappy on the inside. You pretended to be blissful around me, but I sensed something was flawed when you changed.

Until I left, walking alone never bothered me. It transformed a dark, dreary night into a brilliant, magnificent daybreak that I never tire of seeing. Folding my arm around yours as the breese's tranquility affects my hair but not yours. Your warm, black fingers comb through my hair as you drop your head so I can see you again. Touching you felt limitless, like if nothing could feel greater than your presence and that nothing in the world could hurt me far beyond you, but yet you, you ultimately ended up hurting me.

I’ve been looking for love everywhere but nothing compares to the love you pretended to have for me. You gave me the opportunity to feel things that I had only imagined. You had so little while I had so much, but you had no idea I was eager to give it all to you. Any moment with you again would be worth risking everything, including another broken heart.

Inhaling the cool air was refreshing for me, it was hard for you. Maybe it was all the lies trying to escape from any hole from your cold, soft body. My mind becomes captivated in memories that were previously present and visible but are now muffled. It's merely a remembrance. I'm never sure what's genuine and what's not. My mind concocts a scenario in which you are physically present. I can’t be with someone who has an initiative to hurt me, but I can’t help to go back to what I know and that’s him. It’ll always be him.

“Hennessy, baby, come closer. I promised I would never hurt you again. I just want to love you the best way I know how” a man said.

“I know. I believe you. I will go make you dinner and we can watch your favorite movie. Is it okay if I do that?” I asked, ripping the skin off my finger.

“Of course. Make sure you make it good. You don’t want me to be upset, do ya?” He asked, with a grin on his face.

As I am inclined to bite the few remaining of my fingernails, I can sense fear rushing through my nervous system. For weeks, I've been fighting a continual war between my heart and my mind about whether or not to run now. Grabbing the pans gives me the shivers because it's the only thing I can grab if he strikes again. The sound of stiff noodles boiling reminds me of the first time we met. When he touched me, I knew instantly that being with him would make my life feel fiery and adventurous; I had no idea I was playing with fire.

“Hennessy. What is taking so long?” He asked.

“I’m sorry. The noodles are taking longer than expected” I responded.

“Pour me a glass of wine. Make yourself useful” He demanded.

Numbness spread throughout my body, starting with my fingertips and ending with my feet. I couldn't move because I know how vicious his actions are when something takes control of his entire body. I had to do what I was told if I wanted to remain unharmed. Pouring the drink that would decide my fate in the next hour was terrifying.

“Here you go, my love” I said, giving him his glass.

“Well, it’s about time. Come sit with me while the food is cooking. How are you feeling after our conversation? Anything to add?” He asked, sipping his wine.

“I just hope you are truthful and honest not only with me, but yourself. I don’t want you to hurt me anymore” I said.

“Well then. Is there anything nice you have to say about me? I mean all you honestly do is remind me of all the bad I’ve done. How am I supposed to move past it when my wife reminds me of it everyday!” He said in an extended tone, banging his drink on the counter.

“Being with you now, is like being with you 5 years ago. Everytime I see you, it’s like I’m coming up for fresh air. The way you touch me is remarkable and unforgettable. The scent on your shirt collar reminds me of the Ocean Blues. The way your hair lays on top of your head, staying in one place only, even when the wind blows in its full capacity. The way your eyelids appear saddened, by the acquaintance of the volume of your eyelashes. I love all of those things about you” I responded back, wishing I still felt that way.

“Wow. I never knew you felt that way about me. I want to start over and be with you again. I know it will take some time to trust me again but I know deep down in my heart, I will love you correctly and I will kill anyone who gets in the way of that” He said rigidly.

When I heard the stovetop beep, I jumped out of my chair to finish preparing my husband's dinner. During our meal, we started talking briefly. We got along, laughed, smiled, and chatted about what we loved and admired most about this brutal world. I've seen a side of him I didn't think was conceivable, but I need to remember who he is. A man who causes pain. The abuser.