Redemption

Fixer-Upper

“Staring at it won’t change what it is.” He says as I look at him and back at it. I open my mouth and shut it again, I am a bloody fish.

“Say something, anything.” He begs me but I still don’t have the right words.

Okay here’s the deal, I know what I’m looking at but I’m not sure my honest opinion is what he’s currently looking for.

“For crying out loud Amber say something!” I shut my eyes at his raised voice and unconsciously wince,

“I’m sorry for raising my voice but I’ve been holding this for five minutes and you haven’t said anything.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, and I can tell it’s taking a lot out of him to not just walk out right now.

“The thing is, it’s... It’s pretty?” why did that sound like a question? I am such an idiot.

“Pretty? That’s what you choose to lead with? Are you kidding me?”

“Well, I have no idea what you want me to say. It’s a fricking rock and you’re asking me to marry you. Do I look ready for marriage? I can’t decide on what to do for a living let alone what I want to eat and you’re here, kneeling before me with a diamond ring, asking me to marry you. I’m not ready for that. Scratch that, I don’t want that.” I breathe out and I instantly regret my logorrhea. I watch as the light in his eyes dim and it is immediately overtaken by a cloud of anger and hurt, I think.

“Three years Amber. I waited for you for three years and you say no!? Do you have any idea what you mean to me, the work I put in, and now you are telling me you don’t want to get married?” he yells as he gets up and stomps toward me. I shuffle back and end up backed up against the wall.

“I told you Javier that I don’t want to get married. I told you to keep moving. You chose to stay. You chose to ignore the umpteenth times I told you I don’t want kids or marriage. You did that. Not me... You.” I state as I poke his chest.

“Well then, I guess I should have listened to you then and walked away when you told me to.” I notice the unshed tears in his eyes as his voice breaks. Javier looks at me one last time and walks out my door.

A part of me wants to crumble and cry my eyes out but a huge part of me stands unaffected by the fact that my boyfriend of three years just walked out of my life. In fact, I feel relief as I think about the end of our relationship.

The years I spent with him, felt like I was living outside my body. He had convinced me that there was something wrong with me and that he could fix me. I was his fixer-upper.

I was glad to be rid of him, which makes me a horrible person.

I look around my apartment and agree with myself that it’s time for a makeover, a new leaf, starting with the throw cushions. This is going to take a while. And the journey so begins.

“I promise you this is going to bring life to your living room.” He says as he shows me a throw cushion.

“Not now and not in this lifetime. It looks like a unicorn puked on it.” I say throwing it back with the rest. Javier has been adamant that my apartment and my life need a splash of color hence I am stuck picking ugly furnisher so that he will stop complaining.

“You have said no to everything I am picking that I wonder why I’m even here. If you are not going to be taking my advice, we could just as well go home.” He pouts. He is such a bully.

“Fine, I’ll take the stupid pillow.” I say and a huge grin covers his face. All things considered; Javier is a beautiful man. Six feet with blonde hair on his head, stark green eyes, and a smile that can make you sell your soul to the devil. Mommy would be so proud.

There is no stopping the memories that come flooding me as I throw everything into movers’ boxes. This house is covered with memories of Javier, and it hits me, I’ll die alone. It is at that moment that tears flow unhindered as an ugly sob rips through me. I guess my new friend will be a bottle of wine and crackers.