Chapter 1
I don’t think anyone around me realizes just how fucked up I am. The question that bothers me is “Why?”. Why am I so messed up. To the outside eyes, I have loving, Christian parents, perfect siblings to look up to, and all of my needs supplied. Yet I have anxiety, depression, struggle with self harm, trust issues, and sometimes even have suicidal tendencies. And nobody in my life knows the depth of my issues. I am truly alone.
Maybe it has something to do with the super massive blank spot in my memory surrounding my first mom’s death. Maybe it has something to do with stepmom’s obsession with “fixing” me and turning me into a younger version of herself. And her unrealistic expectation for me to be more mature, responsible, and higher achieved than my 22-year-old sister, despite the fact that I am only 16. Maybe it is the fact that she punishes me for my “bad attitude”, while in reality, I’m just trying to survive. Maybe it’s the fact that my dad barely has time for me and treats me more like a duty. Or it’s my narcissistic older sister whom I have to take care of and make sure stays happy. Maybe it’s because of the fact that my brother treats me more like a nuisance and won’t stop commenting on my weight and how much or how little I eat.
Or maybe it’s all just in my head and I’m doing this for attention. Maybe I am weak and pathetic and destined for hell. Maybe I am causing more harm than good to those around me. Maybe my teacher is right and I have bad character, maybe my boss is right and I’m a bad worker, maybe “he” is right and I am causing others to go to hell by my bad example, maybe my sister is right and I’m a pathetic excuse for a human, maybe my brother is right and I am lazy and stupid and don’t deserve an opinion, maybe my parents are right and all my problems are a result of my choices. Maybe everyone is better off without me. Maybe the voice in my head is right and I don’t deserve to be happy. All these thoughts swirling in my head, hidden behind my superficial smile. A cloud of sadness following me everywhere I go, the ever present guilt hanging over me. I just needed to write out these thoughts and tell somebody. I just need to get this off my chest. Who better to tell than complete strangers?
