Chapter 1
Once upon a time… she died. The shell of her now laying dead, her bones and skin sprawled out before me, the life that only seemed there only for a moment. Her eyes showed no trace of life whatsoever, as if she were never even alive…
I reached down and touched her hand, now cold and limp. My heart felt as if I had died along with her, but slower, more painful. Like someone was ripping it out of me, piece by piece. My body slowly disintegrates to sand, the melting starting where my heart would be.
My mind came back to reality, regretfully. I could do nothing to save her, as I wished I felt my grandfather’s soul there, comforting me. His bear hug that used to be the security blanket shielding me from the world, from the chaos… from the pain. Now gone, along with him the security, the safety, the sanctuary.
My eyes were swollen and red. A few of the nurses gave me the look, a look of pity. Some tried to talk to me, all of their words swirling in my head.
“...I’m so sorry for your loss…” I mutter a weak ‘thank you’.
“...Do you need a ride home...?” I politely shook my head, keeping my manners with a small ‘no, thank you’.
“....Are you okay…?” DO I LOOK OKAY, my mind said. Instead I just nodded my head.
“...Miss, do you need me to call someone for you…?” I shook my head.
I start walking down to the hospital cafeteria. Everything looks sad, everything resembling my mother and grandpa, the pain that their deaths brought. I kept my head down, trying to bottle up my emotions so I don’t cry again.
‘Bottle it up, stupid!’
‘No one wants to see you cry!’
‘Ugh, you’re so ugly.’
‘Do we have to bring her?’
‘Just do me a favor, and go kill yourself.’
I shake my head, the memories of every bullies’ words, hitting at my sanity, threatening to take over. I let it… The dark memories of pure torture surrounding me, swallowing me, drowning me.
‘HAH! Love? Guess what. No one loves you. No one ever will.’ With each memory like a punch to the chest.
It felt as if Life itself was laughing at me, saying, ‘You think you’ve had enough?! Watch this!’ Ripping my mother away from me, leaving no one here to protect me any longer. No hope, no savior. My grandpa and now my mother? Why me? Is the pain of losing one not enough for you Life? Is the battle against myself -and the pain you bring- not satisfactory?
My eyes started to burn with the pain of holding back all the tears that threatened to fall. I dipped my head further down, avoiding eye contact. I held all the brokenness in, the tears in, bottling it all up. I can let it out later. At the tree. Only at the tree.
My head pounded with the need to get the pain out. My feet picked up their pace and some nurse yelled out to me, “Hey! Where are you going?” I couldn’t stop, I wouldn’t stop. I looked up, searching for the exit sign that was always present at the end of all hospital’s halls. Searching frantically, I saw it. I ran faster, the door felt as if it was miles away. My broken heart crumbled with every step I took. My soul chipped away with each sprint. Any hope I had left,snuffed out by the dark abyss of depression and hopelessness. The tears fell down my face, my cheeks unaware and numb. Numb from the pain of loss.
My hair covered most of my face, the slips of hospital scenery blurring past me. My legs burning under my weight, having been sitting down for hours by my mother’s bedside. My mother… Guilt crushed me. If only I had helped more, done more, been there more, maybe she wouldn’t be dead… Maybe, it’s all my fault. I looked up, the door was only a foot away. I slowed down so I wouldn’t hit it. The bright neon green ‘Exit’ sign hung above, blinding me. I moved my hand toward the bar. I pressed down on the bar, the door slowly opening. I walked out the door, the migraine I was currently hosting was growing with every tear that fell down my face. A couple more feet, and I would be at the crosswalk. I tried to focus on one foot in front of the other. I stumbled on the curb, tripping on it and falling into the road. The gravel bit at my face.
I heard honking, the noise getting louder, closer. I tried to push myself up, the pain in my head pounding me over and over. I hear tires screeching.
Tired, I’m so tired- I thought.
And everything went black...
