Golden Cave

28.07.2018

Hey.

Sorry to bother you again, but I have no-one else to talk to right now. Gary’s busy and William is... Well, we’re not exactly friends, right? I can’t just go ahead and ring his doorbell, asking him to listen to my endless whining about how life and everything in it sucks, can I? He has his own problems to deal with and I don’t plan on being one of them.

Um. So. I’ve been...fine. Ish. Or at least, you know. Alive? On the outside, maybe not so much on the inside, but it’s the part people won’t easily see anyway, so it doesn’t matter.

There were a couple of incidents at work yesterday. Some of my coworkers were especially pissy with me, so I had trouble getting them off my back. But I finished my report, that’s something. I always do, no matter what. I don’t want Gary to be disappointed in me, though I’m fairly sure he already is, to a certain extent. I mean, look at me; if I’m not at work, I’m at home, sulking on my bed and talking to you. It’s not like you can even respond, you’re just a fucking ceiling and I’m not even talking out loud, but I just...

Sigh.

Sorry. I’ve been a little on edge lately. It was better for a while, but it’s gotten to a point again where I’m afraid of owning a gun. I haven’t told Gary so that he doesn’t take it away, but he might suspect where my mind has been at. He’s not that stupid after all, being the chief detective and, well. My dad. He knows me better than anyone, yet he still seems to turn a blind eye on a lot of my issues. He’s seen me cry so much and each time he was present, he’d hold me even after I stopped sobbing. He’s a good father. Not perfect, but I’ve still always loved him nevertheless. We do fight a lot at work since we can’t really let people know we’re family. They’d only accuse Gary of nepotism, even though I work just as hard as everyone else and in some cases, harder than others.

It’s a good thing he didn’t get my last name changed when he adopted me, so it’s easier to avoid those accusations.

But it gets tiring, ya know? To try and tiptoe around those rumours of us being related or in the worst cases, us sleeping together. When I first heard that being said to my face, I laughed. It was hard to laugh oftentimes, but that moment made me howl. It was so stupid, but some people actually think that. They don’t know he’s my father, so they say dumb shit like that. Absolutely hilarious and also pretty creepy. It is what it is, what can you do.

Honestly, people already hate me enough and if word got out that I was the chief’s son, the bullying would be relentless and Gary would get overworked beyond imagination. I’d probably have to be transfered and I don’t exactly want to go to another city. Then I’d really have no-one.

There have been so many times where I’ve contemplated on whether I should just gather my courage and leave. Leave all of it behind and stop feeling anything altogether. It’d be so much better, right? So many people hate me, ’cause I can’t function like a proper person. I’m crude, straight-forward, apathetic. A mess. I’m aggressive when pushed far enough, which wasn’t all that far to begin with. All in all a pathetic person that breaks down so easily when you know the right words to use. A weak man who tries way too hard to be better than anyone else. Yup, that’s me.

Seriously, what the hell am I doing. Angsting at a ceiling. Even if I spoke out loud, it wouldn’t answer. No-one would.

Maybe I...should just stop this for the moment. Get off the bed and do anything other than whatever this is. Laying down always makes my brain all, um. Coarse.

With a grunt, I sat up, gazing over my pathetic excuse of an apartment. Small and messy, the perfect reflection of my brain. Everything is unorganized and...filthy. Like me.

Shaking my head, I got on my feet and headed for the kitchen, opening the fridge to hopefully get something to eat or drink. I just figured I should find something else to do other than lay on my bed and mope. What a way to spend a free day I didn’t even want, but the big boss insisted ’cause you need to rest too. Yeah, and then I start angsting at my walls. Thanks ol’ man. Also, my fridge didn’t exactly have anything I cared to consume at the moment. There was a little bit of milk left, so I guess I could drink that. Too lazy to make cocoa right now.

I sat down by the counter table, milk carton in hand. Couldn’t be bothered to use a cup so I chugged the liquid down straight from the carton. It was so cold and tasty, making me momentarily so damn happy. Once I stopped, I let out a hefty breath, most likely making a small moan as I did. It was good milk, give me a break.

When I slammed the carton against the surface of the table, all the feelings came back like an ocean wave during a storm. All I could do for a while was to stare at the pictures and text, unable to register any of them. That feeling built up in my throat again, that strong urge to cry my heart out, but nothing would come out. I was better at keeping it in than letting it out, so it bottled up, as usual.

What am I supposed to do? With anything? Why can’t Gary just let me work? If I’m not doing work, what use am I? I just want to have a point, a purpose, but that asshole’s taking that away. I don’t want free days, I only want to be free of my thoughts and mournings. I know he cares about me, but this only makes me wallow more.

What do I fucking do?

The tears teased the corners of my eyes, implying like they were about to roll down, but they wouldn’t. They would just be stuck there, bullying me. I could have the relief, but no. Fuck you, Jack, and everything you stand for. You’re trash, congratulations.

I placed my arms on the table, forming a nest with them to bury my face into. Just...stop. Thoughts, stop. Leave me the hell alone, I don’t want you in my brain. You’re nothing but trouble.

Suppose all of this would be easier if only I went to therapy, but I...can’t. I can’t talk about it. Would they even believe me if I told them any of it? I’m a guy, so they wouldn’t, right? It can’t happen to guys. We’re all emotionless little shitheads, our minds on nothing but, eugh. Sex. Yeah, as if. Even hugging a person felt revolting at best of times, so anything more than that would not fly with me.

But all guys are the same. All of them.

Sniffling, I got up, staring at the carton in defeat. I really need to get out of here, but where would I even go? I don’t want to go outside, there’s too many people there. They can’t be trusted, ever. I picked up the container and placed it in the fridge, a thick haze entering my brain and clouding it in a suffocating way.

I don’t...want to do this anymore. None of this. But I can’t just leave either, it would make Gary upset. It would devastate him, I’m pretty sure. It’s hard, though.

With another one of my constant sighs, I turned away from the fridge, gazing around my apartment and hoping to find any answer to my endless questions. There would be none here, I was sure. There never had been before at least. All I could do was to take slow, dragging steps across the floor, my eyes unconsciously travelling to the door that led out of this hellhole. I stopped moving, simply staring at it as if it could either save my life or it owed me money. Perhaps a mix of both. On the other side would be the door that led to William’s apartment, that persistent asshole who always smiled whenever he saw me, hyping me up like I was any better than anyone else. There had not been a single time he had been upset to see me, at least not that I could remember. Such an annoying prick. He’s not a friend, just a neighbour. Someone Gary saved in the past and now we just happened to live across each other.

Urgh.

Even so, my feet took me closer to the door, my hand grabbing the apartment key and forcing it inside a pocket. I didn’t bother to put on shoes or anything else either; having a shirt, pants and socks on should be enough. The door opened almost by itself, my body moving in that continuous haze that often was there, taunting me. It was left open, just in case there was no-one to answer the doorbell when I rung it. I’m pretty sure he would, considering he never left home unless it was for work or to visit a store. He was a bright, friendly guy, but did not do well with people. A complicated fellow, but not bad at all.

So, I rung the doorbell, anxiety falling heavy on me. What if I was bothering him or he wasn’t happy to see me? What if he saw what a mess I was and told me to fuck off, like everyone else? No way, that can’t happen, not with William. He’s not like the others.

Soon enough, the door almost flung open and the brightest of smiles was forwarded to my grim self. “Oh, Jack! Hello!” As usual, his voice was louder than he himself even realized, but it didn’t take him long to tone it down when he got a better look at my face. It must’ve been terrible, even without all the angsting I had been doing. And the lack of sleep. Can’t forget that one. “Are you okay?” Hahaha, was I okay? Absolutely not. But the words got stuck in my throat and all I could do was stare at him like the lost puppy I was. “Do you wanna come inside?” His voice was filled with concern, much like that stare he was giving me. So pure and tortured, one could say. As sad as I already was, I added more to it by not even saying anything and all I could do was to nod like the pathetic little boy I was. “Well, come in then!” He’d step aside, welcoming me to his flat ever so eagerly. “Do you want something to drink? Or eat?” His enthusiasm was admirable. To think he’d be this excited over someone like me. It was quite puzzling. Was I even worth the trouble? Guess it wasn’t up for me to determine, but it was still concerning to me.

It was difficult, but I managed to put on a smile and although I’m sure it looked like trash, his expression didn’t falter. He didn’t care if I smiled or not, he was just happy I was there. I closed the door to my apartment, my movement sluggish and slow, but he was patient. Like always. “Uh, yeah.” Carefully, I stepped into his apartment. “Could I get some cocoa, maybe?” Friend or not, I’m just happy to see him. I could stay away from that shithole for a little while and maybe even have fun doing so. At least I was safe, haha.