First and foremost I would like to dedicate this to the inner child who is probably crying inside of me. Because what I couldn’t believe, she believed. What I couldn’t dream, she dreamed. And when my faith and trust were slipping away, she caught it. And held it close.
I find that people like me, who live for the inner child we once were or the person we’re betting we’ll be, don’t give ourselves the credit we deserve. Now I know everyone says this. Even now I just said this was dedicated to another being, one that is a part of me but it was said in a sense that it wasn’t actually the woman you see standing before you. And I’d like to think that it is a result of someone who never thought they would win. A thing. Anything for that fact. And if by some circumstance it happened, it wasn’t because of who I am, it was more because of what I have been through. That it was only a direct result of the pain I once felt. Not the heart I carry right now.
Or possibly it was the miracle that I am lucky and blessed, which trust me, I am. But hardworking? Talented? Maybe in the future me. But not now. I was stuck in the mindset that I was someone who had to wait to get older to experience the wins I wanted so badly at the time. Because I didn’t think I was capable or ready enough. I felt like I wasn’t prepared to be a winner. But, some way, somehow, I would be one. I placed everything I could have ever wanted so deeply in my heart on someone who didn’t yet exist. And it caused me to stay in the same spot for a while. And the spot wasn’t last place because in order to receive last place that implies you actually were in the race. I realized my spot was actually standing on the side watching everyone run off and disappear and cross the line I should have crossed.
Yes, who you are now will play a role in the future. Yes, who you once were played a role in who you are now. But do we ever get to sit in the seconds we’re given and think about how today has shaped today? How did your thoughts this morning shape the morning you had?
My purpose for this is to promote intention. Who you are right now is probably the most important person you will ever have. Yet you don’t seem to notice. Till father time does his thing and suddenly you’re not where you wanted to be. We let our dreams and desires dictate who we have to be later on but rarely do we let it influence the present. Personally, I relied too much on my future self, only to be let down because well, nothing happened. So I’d think maybe it’s not my time. Maybe in five years it’ll be mine.
I used to play music, close my eyes and choreograph these very elaborate dances or direct a music video in my head. I’d have 10 ideas for books a day with stories that would come and go from my mind. Writing and dancing were very personal to me. And if you identify with those titles or you have another artist in you, then you know how fleeting those seconds can be when you think of something. It’s like if you don’t get up and start dancing and figuring it out, it’ll be gone by tomorrow. And I’d be so frustrated because my best visions would happen when people were around me or I was in a public space. I’m like how the hell can I start writing this short story when I’m in the middle of an exam. And sometimes I’d go back and try my hardest to feel what I felt again or remember what I saw but I’d end up getting so discouraged I stopped trying to force it and decided I would wait for those golden seconds.
But like I said before, that ended up turning into I’ll do it when I’m ready. I don’t have the proper experience yet, equipment yet, mindset yet. I’ll store this idea for later. But you and I both know that it would vanish. Thinking about it now, I must have imagined over 500 things that I’ll never get to see again. That no one will ever hear. And that used to tear my lungs up. But the worst part of it all, was the fear that someone, from anywhere, might imagine the same thing and actually do something with it. Be able to hold it or watch it. Or read it. They’ll get to have that. And I never will. Because I have convinced myself that who I am now is not ready.
They say if you can dream it then you can achieve it. I believe the sister phrase of that is the person you are when you have the idea is the one most capable and ready to do it. Now, I am not saying all ideas need to be manifested nor should they always be backed up by intention. I’ll leave that to your judgment. But the person I used to stare at in the mirror wasn’t some who couldn’t win, it was someone waiting to. And I get that now. But I was getting too comfortable with waiting. Because it allowed me to dream of me winning without me having to go through the uncomfortable realities of making things happen. Which is losing, having ideas that don’t make sense anymore, seeing someone do it better, and yes even feeling like you’re still not enough. But this is how you train. This is how you work. And build your trust in yourself. This is where the proof in the passion lies. How willing are you to see what it is that you want when you want it.
There is nothing wrong with being the person who has to stand on the side from time to time. Sometimes, ideas don’t come. Or you just don’t want to. Sometimes, you don’t have it in you. You don’t have the heart to gamble and lose. Especially when you’ve felt like a loser for a long time. But if there’s a day when something skips across your soul, and ties a string from your heart to your mind, even if it is just for a couple of seconds, I want you to try. Try in whatever way to show yourself it is you in that moment, who is supposed to do something with it. Show yourself it was intentional. Because I promise you, it was and is.
Lastly, I would like to re- dedicate this win to well, me obviously. The winner in me now. And the one in you waiting. Thank you.
