Don’t Go - Not Quite Yet

Don’t go.

Don’t leave me like this.

In this condition.

This state.

I need you now.

If I ever have, it’s now.

I can’t stomach this alone.

It’s pulling at my heart strings.

Gut-wrenching.

Knowing, you’re checking out at the same time as myself.

Who will hold our reservation?

What will preserve us now?

If I can’t hold onto you, who will?

I’m trying to be the adhesive to our situation

but, I’m lacking.

The rope is fraying;

I never could tie a decent knot.

Not until I married you.

We tied our own knot.

Our way.

The glue dried, but it’s peeling up.

Temporary fix.

Faulty hold.

I feel it like a Bandaid that became drenched.

The only thing I have time for

“Stay with me”

I’m chanting it repeatedly;

Speaking a language only your fluent in.

Because, my love, for now I cannot stay with you.

Stand on your own two feet.

Be our reassurance.

Hold me, while you wait.

You know what to do.

Remember what I always tell you when you go to leave your headspace;

“Name one thing you see,

One thing you feel,

One thing you taste, and

One thing you hear”

You’d always say the same to each and every question;

“You.”

Now, let that be enough.

Take comfort in that.

I may not be me today.

Or tomorrow.

But, soon, I’ll come back to you.

Me.

I’ll come back to you.

Not this current version of ‘me’.

But, the one you came to call home.

The one you've taken up comfortable residence in.

The one that laughs the hardest at her own jokes.

Ruining the punchline every time all on her own.

The one that complains nonchalantly about every aspect of life.

But, secretly loves everything in its purest form.

The chaotic but organized mess.

The walking cliche.

Her struggles aren’t her own.

You know that.

You understand that.

You’re just scared.

I know I call you ‘Big, Bad, & Scary’ but that’s strictly based on appearance.

When it’s just us,

I see you.

The simplest, unaltered form.

The non forced laugh, the lowered shoulders, the way your crows feet show when you smile,

The difference?

You don’t try to tame your expression or excitement.

No gaining of composure.

Not with me.

You give in and laugh your best laugh.

So, baby, I may be on a never ending journey to locate a mind, a sense of sanity, that I once lost and may never find, but hang onto those things while I endure my excursion?

If not, for you, like everything else, do it for me.

I know I shouldn’t call on love like that,

but if anyone can,

it’s me.

When you’re at your lowest,

and

I can see how you just want to leave this planet,

and

it’s entirety;

including but not limited to everything it has to

offer,

I ask;

“You’re happy, right?”

And I watch you gain composure and you say

“Darlin’, with you, always.”

I take it.

Because, I feel the truth in it.

You cling to me while you lose yourself.

So, baby, I’m gonna hop on this carousel and accompany you on this ride.

I will cling to you while my mind takes it’s toll.

It’s running me through the motions.

I’m completing tasks that I don’t remember starting.

You say;

“Enjoy the ride, baby. That’s just part of it.”

I trust you.

So, this must be okay.

Let it happen.

Trust the process.

Where will it stop?

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, pretty girl.”

That’s terrifying,

but alright.

This is new.

Releasing control.

Letting it happen.

Run it’s course.

I’m starving from the ‘What if?’

I can’t unclench.

I’ll be the death of me.

My own worst enemy.

How do you do this?

How does this work?

How are you so comfortable with the unknown?

“Don’t be bothered by what you can’t control, darlin’, surely you’ll go mad.”

I am mad.

I can’t do this.

I feel the spiraling.

I want off.

How do you stop this?

I don’t wanna play anymore.

Baby, make it stop.

I can’t see straight.

It’s holding me so tight;

I feel the blood flowing through my veins.

It’s nauseating.

I could end this, ya know?

I have that power.

I have control over at least that.

But, I don’t.

We both know that isn’t true.

That decision isn’t only mine.

Because, what about you?

Where does that leave you?

Wandering this black abyss on your own?

Would you ever come out of it?

Or would you choose to find solace in the solitude?

In that dark love theme,

‘If I can’t have you, I want no one.’ kind of way.

As red flag and damaged as that sounds,

I find such comfort in it.

Not in your solitude.

But, in that, out of the entire population,

I may be the only one who resonates with you in this manner.

It’s sick.

It’s demented.

But, I’m infatuated with it.

I’ll smile darkly while I laugh and say;

“Okay, one more ride. I wanna go again.”

And just as I predicted you smirk and say;

“I thought you might. That’s my girl. Get off on the thrill of it. It’s only as terrifying as you let it be. You decide your own fears here.”

I choose my fiberglass animal to ride off into this obscurity on,

and let my hair down while I exhale and realize,

there’s nothing to be scared of,

for this is home.

This is my mind.

I created this mass of space.

This mess.

It’s mine.

I thought I’d be alone here.

I was so mistaken.

You stayed the entire time.

But, I should’ve known you would,

For,

It’s my mind,

Therefore,

Of course,

I knew you’d be here.

It’s you. Always you. Only you.

She’ll come home.

Do me a favor, sweetheart, leave the light on

For,

It’s always darkest before dawn.

But,

You already knew that.