Consequences of a Friend

Chapter One: Four months and Counting

Four months. Four months of hunting down cheap apartments and avoiding the old neighbourhood. Four months working at a book store-café as the barrister and finally getting his body back to its ‘normal-as-can-be’ state. Four months of silence from his family. Four months since he blocked his best friend’s number.

Mason couldn’t believe time had flown by so quickly.

Muffling a sneeze in the crook of his arm, Mason quietly creeps through the small apartment, careful not to wake his sleeping roommate as he passes her door. He’d recently moved to the small apartment building near his work, and found that he was adjusting quite well.

As well as he could, anyway.

Picking up his keys, he runs a hand through his ever-growing hair, the soft curls winding through his fingers as he heads out the door.

Sophia, his roommate, worked at a local bar that had become quite popular, and tended to sleep in since she was often pulling night shifts to cover her university fees. She was a sweet girl, a little wary of having a male roommate to begin with, but once Mason told her he had a little more in common than just his love for sweets... she soon warmed up.

Shutting the apartment door with a wince, Mason heads down the stairs towards the quiet morning street that would soon be bustling with students trying to get to the university one block over. He was quite lucky to live where he did, and thanked the heavens every day for his stroke in fortune.

His job was relatively close, meaning he didn’t have to catch any public transport, and since the university he was attending was only a block away, he could catch the local loop bus which was half the fee of all the other buses.

Stepping into his work, the little bronze bell above the door tinkles, letting Mrs Collin know he had arrived.

Smiling at the smell of freshly baked goods, Mason heads to the right of the store where the small glass cabinet sits, half filled with sweets to go with the coffee sold at ‘The Little Bookshop’.

Literally, that’s what the place was called. Mason had thought it was a little cheesy, but the name really did suit the place. There were small fabric couches, a couple of tables strewn here and there, and the place just screamed cosy. Book cases made of rich dark wood touched the ceilings in some places, one even had a rolling ladder, like the ones Mason often saw in movies.

Mason loved it. The place was never overwhelmingly busy, and Mrs Collin was the sweetest woman to face the earth.

“Heya Mason! Coffee machines switched on for you.” Max calls from behind the counter where he’s gently placing slices of banana bread into the cabinet.

“Morning, and thanks.”

Max grins his lopsided smile as Mason rounds the bench to join him. Max was an interesting co-worker, worked here well before Mason managed to stumble upon the little gem. He had dark curly hair, caramel skin and an accent Mason couldn’t quite place. He was never good with accents.

Max was a good guy though, always helping out Mrs Collin when she was trying to stack new books on a too high a shelf, or helping Mason with the drink orders when the morning rush came.

“Oh, thanks for covering me this afternoon too.” Mason smiles, tucking his hair back into a band before wiping down the large blue coffee machine, as per his routine.

Max waves a hand in goodbye, grinning with pearly teeth, “Don’t sweat it man, it’ll be good for you.”

Mason nods, his smile turning a little nervous. Four months of settling back into a routine and he was finally heading to a counsellor. He’d seen one when he got out of the hospital, when he was couch surfing, but that didn’t really work out.

Now, however, he was doing the whole ‘getting better’ thing properly. His doctor recommended seeing someone and having a proper psych evaluation, which included the possibility of medication. So, he finally bit the bullet and decided to get his life back on track. Not without a lot of complaining though.

He’d lost his parents, his family, his best friend and his baby. Not to mention he rarely spoke to any of his friends from his old life. He didn’t know what he wanted to do, or who he wanted to be. Sure, he had his degree and knew what direction he was going career wise, but Mason didn’t know who he was.

It was probably a good idea that he was seeing someone to sort his head out, since he didn’t seem very capable of doing it himself. Well, that’s what he told himself anyway.

“Mason!” Mrs Collin greets with a warm smile as she trots over from the store room.

“Hey Mrs Collin.” She heads around the counter to give him a gentle side hug, patting him on the arm.

Mrs Collin was a short woman with kind friendly eyes and grey hair always wound up in a bun on her head. She always smelt of icing sugar and paper, and would always greet her employees with a hug. She was more like family than Mason’s boss.

Mason was so grateful for the old lady. She treated him like she would anyone else, not that he actually told her anything personal, but still.

“How is that lovely Sophia?” She asks, a smile on her lips.

“She’s good. Still asleep when I left.”

Mrs Collin nods in an understanding way, patting Mason on the back again before leaving. He’s pretty sure she thinks Sophia is his girlfriend, but she’s never outright said it so Mason never really knew if he should tell her or not.

“You’ve got the old lady smitten with you.” Max laughs while offloading cupcakes into the display case.

“I didn’t do anything!” Mason grins at his co-worker, knowing full well the man was simply jealous.

˚˚˚˚

“Alright I’m off, thanks again for this Max.” Mason takes his apron off to place it back on its hook while shaking out his hair from its previous ponytail.

“No problem. See you tomorrow!”

Mason waves before heading out the door, dodging a few of the customers as they walk around with books in their hands, eyes glued to the pages.

Dr Maier had suggested this psychologist, and Mason was willing to give it a go. He trusted her. More than he trusted most people, if he was being honest. The hospital had been the ones to set up the original counselling session, which had been absolutely horrible. So hopefully, this time, things went a lot smoother.

The bus trip is relatively short, Mason nervously bouncing his leg, irritating the older man next to him who kept glaring during the trip until his stop. Not that Mason really cared, he was too nervous.

Wiping his hands on his pant legs, Mason takes a deep breath before stepping through the glass doors of the small brown building, his eyes barely taking in the signage.

The waiting room is empty, the walls painted beige with paintings of the ocean at level intervals.

Mason steps up to the front desk, the strong smell of the receptionists’ perfume making his nose crinkle before he subtly tries to pull a more... approachable expression.

“Excuse me?”

The lady looks up, her blonde hair held back by a silver pin that glints in the light, “Yes?” She raises her brows, looking at Mason with a somewhat dissatisfied gaze.

“I have an appointment. Mason Fain.”

She hums, tapping away at the computer before smiling a fake smile and gesturing to the waiting area.

“Miss Cindy will be with you in just a moment.”

Nodding, Mason takes a seat, taking in the fan of magazines on the little centre table. Most had titles such as “new me, new life” or “how to accept stress”, which did nothing to comfort his nerves.

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe he wasn’t ready to face everything yet. It’s only been four months. That’s really not that long if you think about it, right?

Fuck, what am I even doing here!

Before Mason can go into a complete panic, a lady walks in calling his name. His head snaps up, taking in her pencil skirt and buttercup yellow blouse with frills at the front. She smiles at him, one of those gentle calming smiles that gets a person automatically smiling back.

Mason stands, wiping his hand yet again on his pants before following her down a hallway to her office.

“So, how have you been this week? Any exciting news?” She grins again, opening her door and gesturing for him to enter first.

Mason bites his lip, fidgeting a little as he tries to come up with a response, “Well, I received a grade back for an assignment that was pretty good.”

“Oh? What are you studying.” She takes a seat on a cream couch opposite another, where Mason also takes a seat.

The room smells distinctly of berries and something a little less sweet that Mason can’t quite place. The walls are painted the same beige, but there’s a few more plants and a clock ticking away on the wall to decorate the empty space.

“I, uh, I’m doing a degree in architecture, so, I do a lot of drawing.” Awkward. That’s how Mason felt.

She hums, nodding.

“I know that Dr Maier suggested that you come see me, so first, let’s get to know each other.” She smiles again, taking a sip of the glass of water sitting beside her on a wooden side table.

“My name is Cindy, I have a three-year old niece who currently lives with me, and a cat named Bubbles.”

She gestures for Mason to introduce himself, taking another sip of her water. She has no notepad to take notes like the other counsellor he had previously, and despite her very proper looking clothes she seems to be quite laid back.

“Well, uh, my name’s Mason. I’m studying architecture at the local university,” she hums in acknowledgement, “I live with my new roommate Sophia... I don’t really know what else to say.”

“Well, what about your family? Any siblings?”

The words make Mason’s heart squeeze painfully, but he tries to hold the grimace from his face, “I have an older brother and two little sisters. Twins, actually.”

“Twins! That must have been a handful growing up.” She laughs.

Mason shifts in his seat, glad for a moment that she didn’t immediately ask about Jack.

“Well, not really. As the middle child I was more like their best friend than an older brother, since they already had one of those.”

“Ah I see. What about your parents, what were they like growing up?”

Mason bites his lips chewing on the tender skin for a minute before answering her, “My dad and I were never really close, but he was never... bad or anything. Mum was the boss, so he kind of just took the backseat when it came to us kids. Let her do all the work.”

“Did you have a good relationship with your mum?”

Mason pauses, the words stuck in his throat as he watches Cindy. She must know about his life if she spoke to Dr Maier, so why was she asking all these questions?

“My mum and I never saw eye to eye. She was very controlling, she, uh, didn’t let me choose what I wanted, it was always what she thought was best.”

Cindy nods, a manicured finger tapping the side of the glass in her lap, “What kind of things did she control?”

“My hair,” Mason’s mind automatically goes back to his younger years where he had longer hair growing up. Ben had particularly loved that hair, always wanted to brush it and play with it whenever Mason gave him the chance. Which was kind of odd, now that Mason thought about it. It didn’t really matter though, since his mother continued to badger him about its length until Mason decided to lop it all off.

She never did like it when he looked more like a girl.

“And why do you think she would do that?”

“I’m sure Dr Maier told you why.” Mason scoffs to himself, not really sure why she had to play dumb.

She only smiles patiently, placing the glass back down before leaning a little closer, “I would like you to tell me Mason. I want you to share with me why you’re here. I don’t just want to read a file. I want to get to know you.”

Mason sighs, running a hand back through his hair, his hair that he decided to let grow out again.

“I’m – I’m not exactly normal. I have both the, uh, reproductive systems,” This is so embarrassing, “and my body is just... a mix of both female and male.”

She nods, her expression never changing from understanding and calm.

“My mum, originally, when I was just a kid, let me decide who I wanted to be. I guess as I grew older, and the twins came, she got more controlling.”

“Well, how did she control you?”

Mason grimaces this time, palms sweaty, “I didn’t really think anything of it at the time, but, she wouldn’t let me play with the girls anymore. All of a sudden, I was banned from anything she deemed girly. Nothing pink, frilly, I couldn’t even walk past the twin’s room without getting told off for looking... That was just, normal, to me. I don’t think I even realised what she was doing until I was much older.”

“During this time, did you know that you were a boy? Or did you question yourself?”

“I guess I knew? I don’t know. I was so young, I didn’t even know what anything meant. I was just a kid. I think my mum thought she was making the decision clear for me, but, I think she just made it obvious I wasn’t... normal. Especially after the first surgery, when I was about twelve? I think. I didn’t go back to the hospital after that.”

“Did you agree to the surgery?”

Mason shakes his head no, “No. I didn’t. It was just something she said I had to do.”

Cindy frowns before asking another question, her eyes looking a bit sceptical at the whole situation, “Did she respect your decision not to go back to the hospital?”

“She didn’t,” Mason takes a shaky breath, “and neither did my brother. I don’t talk to them anymore. They don’t even know I moved away.”

There’s a pause as they both digest the information. Mason, of course, knew everything already, but to say it out loud, to another person, was very different. It made everything seem more real.

“Back to what you mentioned before, have you heard that often? That you’re not normal? Or was it something that you concluded yourself?” Her voice is soft as she asks this; tentative.

Mason shrugs, chewing his lips, “I...might have heard someone else say it. I’m not really sure. I think I figured out pretty quickly with everything going on. Maybe my brother said something along those lines?”

She hums, tapping her fingers on the couch chair as a soft smile graces her petite face, “Who can tell you what’s normal and what’s not?”

Mason opens his mouth before shutting it again, confused, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”

“Well, who’s the one that dictates what’s normal in your world, and what’s not? Is it you? Or is it... family, or maybe a close friend that tells you what they think is the right or wrong thing?”

Mason picks at his fingers, mind processing her words. He understood what she meant. He shouldn’t let others dictate what’s normal and what’s not in his life. Some people thought it was normal to sneeze without covering their nose. It didn’t mean they were wrong not to cover their nose, but to others it was rude and...gross. So, who was right? Who made the rules that dictated a person to sneeze with or without covering their face?

“I guess, I let others. I’ve never really... I mean, I just assumed that if everyone else said it was weird, then that’s what is was.” He frowns to himself, thinking back to all those times he degraded himself because of what other people believed or said.

He’d...taught himself to have this opinion, that wasn’t even his. Did he really think that he was a freak of nature? That it was weird and gross that his body was different from others? No. Well, Mason didn’t think he actually believed that. Which was a strange thought. Almost felt like he was breaking some kind of... unspoken rule that demanded him to regard himself as a freak.

“By the look on your face, I’m going to say you’ve had a hard time learning to accept you for who you are. Which is fine, but have these negative thoughts about yourself identity ever snowballed into something else? Hate? Anger?”

Mason gives her a small nod, his brain clicking at the mention of the words hate and anger. He used to be quite angry, wasn’t he? He would snap at Ben and at others. Going back, Mason knew that all those parties he attended that ended with him being black out drunk, they weren’t Ben’s fault. Despite getting shitty at his best friend about them. They were just the coping mechanism for years’ worth of anger and hate towards himself.

Fuck, I’m a mess, and I didn’t even know it.

“Now, I can see you’re already feeling a little overwhelmed, so I’m going to cut our session short for today. Try and work on some positive self-talk at home, okay? When you start to feel bad about yourself, I want you to stand in the mirror and try and give yourself at least one compliment. You don’t even have to be looking in the mirror, but just try to smile at yourself for a change.”

“O-okay?”

“Next week, we’ll get into self-appreciation a little more, and we can talk about the past few months if you feel comfortable enough. These sessions are to help you at your own pace, so there’s no rush. You did really well today, Mason, I’m proud of you for opening up to me.”

She stands, and Mason does as well, a little dumbfounded with himself. That was surprisingly easy. He felt a little less tense, and a little more relaxed, tired, but better than when he walked into this place.

“Same time next week?”

Mason only nods as she guides him out of her office, unsure how to respond to her. It was strange, having someone understand how you’re feeling so easily. She didn’t even bat an eye when Mason said he was intersex. Which made sense if she read his case beforehand, but at the same time, she just seemed to go with it and address some of the issues attached to that.

Mason wasn’t so sure he had anyone understand him like this Cindy lady had. He had to admit, it felt nice.

Leaving the office, Mason decides to head to the pharmacy, forgoing the bus route back home. He had to pick up some vitamins and such, and he needed to organise his thoughts. This whole ‘getting better’ thing was going to be harder than he thought, but he felt more confident with the idea, at least.

Heading into the pharmacy store, Mason walks straight to the vitamin section towards the back, picking out the correct bottle of multi-vitamins which was actually a women’s vitamin. Dr Maier has suggested a few multi vitamins and probiotics aimed towards women’s health, to see if they would help Mason’s hormones and all that stuff. He knew she was eventually going to ask him to go back on hormone treatment, but Mason didn’t want it to come to that. If it involved needles, fuck that.

Picking up a couple of other items that were on sale, Mason heads towards the counter, only to stop short and quickly turn around the corner to another aisle.

Louisa.

What on earth was she doing here? He hadn’t seen her since... well, since he quit his job actually. He stopped going to any parties that she invited him to, and soon, they just stopped seeing each other all together. She didn’t even live near here! Why was she at his chemist?

Peeking around the edge of the aisle, Mason watches as she waits in line, a small paper baggy in her hands. Does he approach her? He sure as hell didn’t want to, but he had to speak to her some time, right?

Taking a deep breath, Mason steps out from the aisle and heads to the back of the line, where Louisa stands in her classic Ugg boots and tank top. He had to do this. It’s not like he can continue to loiter in the store without rousing suspicion. He might as well get it over with.

“Hey, Louisa.” Mason gingerly greets as he makes it to the aisle, watching as she turns to him in shock, before breaking out in one of her large grins. Her hair is pulled back in a half-up do, her row of earrings on display.

“Mace! How are you? I haven’t seen you in ages!” She leans over to give him a half hug, skinny arms giving Mason a gentle squeeze.

Mason grins, relaxing a little at her response. She wasn’t mad, or awkward. She was just Louisa.

“I’ve been alright I guess. Still alive.” He laughs, earning himself another grin from her as she bumps her hip against his, the motion bringing a smile to his face.

“You look like you’ve lost some weight! Back to those skinny jeans I see.”

“Yeah well, student budget you know? Gotta cut back on those carbs.” He stumbles for an excuse, cringing at his own lame response.

Right. He’d lost weight since she’d last seen him. Quickly too. Mason had kind of forgotten about not fitting into these jeans. Grief had made him drop weight like he was on some kind of keto diet.

She shuffles up in line, turning back so her attention is purely on Mason.

“You still at uni? I thought you might have quit when you suddenly moved away.”

Mason shakes his head, “No, I’m still going. My timetables changed a bit though.”

“Ah, that makes sense. Ben says he doesn’t see you around at uni anymore so I just assumed...”

The conversation dies a little, and Mason awkwardly juggles his stuff before smiling oddly at her, “Yeah, Ben and I don’t really talk anymore. I’m sure he told you all about it.” He laughs it off.

Tries to, at least. His laugh comes out as more of a choke, the sound catching in his throat. He hopes Louisa doesn’t notice.

Louisa squeezes his shoulder, “He misses you, you know? He hasn’t said anything to me about whatever it is you guys fell out over, but you can see it in his face that he wishes you’d come back.”

Mason doesn’t respond, only puts his stuff on the counter as it comes up to his and Louisa’s turn. They don’t speak as they pack their stuff away and pay, it’s only when they reach the door does Mason open his mouth again.

“It’s good to see you, Louisa.”

“Yeah, you to.” She smiles, and disappears through the automatic doors to her car.

Mason’s half smile drops from his face, and he’s left frowning in front of the store. That wasn’t as bad as it could have been, Mason supposed. She was still the old Louisa. What hit him the most was the subject of Ben. He hadn’t thought about his best friend for four months. It was strange to hear his name again. Hear that Ben missed him. Was he supposed to miss him too? Still think about him and all that transpired between them?

Mason wasn’t so sure he wanted to.