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The absence of Him is ever present. Whether I am at a grocery store, or just sitting at home, it sneaks up on you, and suddenly, there's a voice in your head laughing, and a pit in your stomach. It's difficult to be around people. I sit at the table with my family, and they smile, and eat, and talk about their week, and they are not in pain. I go out with my friends and they drink and have fun and they are not in pain. I walk around the mall and I see a couple with their children buying new shoes and they are not in pain. Holidays are almost unbearable. I sit around as everyone eats turkey and I am nauseous. I hear Christmas music as the snow and wind whirl all around me and I am numb. Everyone counts down and hugs their loved ones, they even hug me, but I am alone. I was used to having Him day and night, no matter where I was, but I have begun to doubt if he was ever really there. Did He ever love me? Did He ever care about me? Did He really want what was best for me? I am scared. I am so terrified because I don't think he was ever really real. It's a lot like a bad break up, you know, losing faith in God.
