The unequals

With my eyes almost shut, it was almost too hard to still look at the clock. I listened to the rhythmic ticks and watched the seconds disappear. Eventually I just closed my eyes. I enjoyed the soothing darkness that it brought me. Just a little bit longer and then I could get out of here. My left foot moved along with the rhythm tick of the clock. I tried to concentrate on the sound so hard that I succeeded in shutting out everything else. The yelling of my mother, the sounds of doors slamming against their frames and the stamping on the stairs. I couldn’t hear a thing anymore, just the sound of the old clock.

Suddenly a loud bong told me the time was already there. My eyes popped wide open and for a second I could have sworn that there was a bright white light surrounding the room. It had disappeared as quickly as I had noticed it. I convinced myself it was just yet another trick of my imagination, it happened all the time. With my heart pounding on the beat of my excitement, I slipped out between the sheets and grasped the immaculately packed bag and the end of the bed.

It was time, I could just leave now. This was the moment I had been waiting for. As softly as I could, I opened the door. Just a tiny bit. I had been practicing this for years now. I searched my left pocket and took the small mirror that I had placed there. This way I could see out in the hallway without anyone noticing me. There was nothing but the peeling wallpaper on the walls. It used to be neatly white, but ever since that smoker came to live with us, every wall in the house had slowly become an ugly yellow version of the original. It wasn’t like me or the house for that matter needed another reminder that he was still here. It seemed like neither the yellow wallpaper nor the smoker himself would ever get out of here.

After I was sure there wasn’t anybody in the hallway, I sneaked out the door with the strap of the bag around my shoulders. I didn’t even bother to close the door to my room, it wouldn’t matter if they knew I was gone. I tried for the stairs and made sure I wouldn’t step on the second step as it would creak so loud, the whole house would know I was trying to leave. The rest was easy. I knew my mother would have locked herself in her room and that he would sit in the living room with a beer in his hand. At some point I was convinced that he would drink himself to death someday, but that day never came.

I was lucky the front door was right next to the stairs. It made it easy to sneak out of the house without anyone knowing. I had done it a thousand times before, but this time was different, this time I wouldn’t come back. That was a promise, one I would never break to myself. I had tried for years to get my mother to leave with me, but now it was time to take care of myself. Nobody else was going to do it.

As I softly closed the door, I reminded myself to take a mental note of the house before I left. Nothing I had with me in my bag would remind me of home, just like I had planned it. This was the last chance I would have, to take a look at the house I grew up in. It was not like I needed another memory of this place. The constant unwanted memories in my head would do the same thing. But still I knew that once I had felt good here, safe and loved. That time was long gone and as soon as I reminded myself of that I shook my head and let go of the doorknob. Nothing was holding me back anymore. The relief I felt by just simply realising that, was like nothing I had ever felt before.