Blaming Benjamin

BLURB

What if you never get over your high school sweetheart? And you’ve got no one but yourself to blame for losing her? Benjamin Johnson is determined to right the wrongs of his past. His ex-girlfriend Alana is recently divorced, and moving back into her parents’ house. She wants to get her life back on track. The last thing Alana is interested in is an ex-boyfriend pursuing her. But Benji is not giving up this time. He’s willing to do whatever it takes to win back the one that got away.

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Head’s up: you can totally read this book as a standalone. However, it is part of a series. Check out the books “Guide to my books” on my profile to find out more! It tells you the best order to read the books, but I write all of them as standalones, so feel free to pick & choose!

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In the book Thompson Twins, Alana and Benjamin start dating when they are 15 and 16. They’re together for two and a half years, breaking up in the book Playful Pierre when they’re 18 and 19. In Saving Steffi we learn that while Benji and Alana are trying to move on, they’re not over each other quite yet.

So… let’s jump forward in time eleven years, shall we? Benjamin is 30, owns his own business, and is overall happy and successful. Except for one thing: he never found the kind of love he had with Alana. And trust me, he tried. With many, many, many girls. The second he hears Alana is back in town after moving away years ago, he makes a decision. He’s going to make up for cheating on her when he was 19, and win her back. Forget dating, forget fucking around, forget going clubbing. He’s more than ready to go back to being a one-woman kind of man.

Time hasn’t been good to Alana. At all. The eleven years since she and Benjamin broke up, her life has been a constant tailspin of bad breakups, anxiety, and self-doubt. The only things she knows for sure are that she is a fuckup, the black sheep of the family, and not worthy of anyone’s love. Oh, and one other thing… She is never, ever taking Benjamin back. Not even if he’s still as sexy as he used to be, just as sweet, and a hell of a lot more mature. No. Fucking. Way.

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This book will alternate between Benji’s POV and Alana’s POV. It will also have many flashbacks, so at the start of each scene, you can see which time we’re in, and who’s POV you’re reading. Buckle up for another wild ride!

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Trigger warnings for this book are: sexual assault, rape, body issues, infertility, cheating.

I do NOT glorify or romantisize any of these subjects. This is NOT a dark romance novel. I treat all issues with respect, and I place trigger warnings at the start of intense chapters.

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#1 Still feels like yesterday

Time: the present

Name: Benjamin Johnson

She’s moving back home.

I stare at my phone in shock, unable to believe that after all these years, Alana Davids is moving back to her hometown. My sister Steffi just texted me with a head’s up. So did Alana’s brother Davy. The fact that he texted me means a lot. Davy quickly forgave me for cheating on his sister, even when Alana didn’t.

So much has happened since then, but one thing certainly hasn’t.

I still love her.

The first time I saw Alana isn’t etched into my brain, sadly. We must have been babies, since our parents have been friends for as long as I can remember. Her parents already felt like my aunt and uncle long before I fell in love with their daughter. That’s what made us breaking up even harder to come to terms with.

The first time I truly saw her as more than just the kid I’d known forever… I do remember that day. I was already taken, but that didn’t matter. She usually only wore frumpy clothes that hid her curvy figure, but that day she walked into high school in a tight red tank top and painted-on skinny jeans. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. Who knew Alana Davids had a body like that underneath her big sweaters and baggy trousers?

After that day, she went back to dressing like she wanted to be invisible. Didn’t matter. To me, she was so much more than just visible. She seemed magnetic.

At first I just lusted for her, so I didn’t do anything about it. After all, I already had a girlfriend. I’ve always loved women in all shapes and sizes, so it wasn’t exactly new to me that I liked a girl that wasn’t my girlfriend. You don’t become a womanizer in high school by sticking to just one girl, after all.

And then, everything changed. She noticed me noticing her. I realized it was no longer just lust I was feeling. Long story short, I dumped my girlfriend, and got with Alana five seconds later. Not a classy move, but fucking hell, I was only 16. At least I broke things off instead of cheating.

Of course, I did end up cheating. On Alana, of all people. After two and a half years with her, I fucked it all up.

And I never recovered.

My friends all think I’m crazy for still wanting her. I’m 30, for God’s sake. We broke up eleven years ago. To me, it still feels like yesterday.

And now she’s moving back home.

Even more surprising… She’s single again.

Alana Davids is single, and she’ll be living in my city. Moving in the same circles again. Coming to family events. Hanging out with people I know too. We’re bound to run into each other.

When we do… I’ll make her mine again, if it’s the last thing I do. Because Alana Davids was always supposed to be mine. Finally, I have a chance to win her back.

This time, I won’t fuck things up. Mark my words. This time, I’ll do things right.

***

Time: 14 years ago

Name: Benjamin Johnson

“Wow, who the fuck is that?” My best friend Theo nudges me. “Check out the tits on that girl!”

I look over, seeing right away who he’s talking about. Damn, those are some seriously big knockers. Triple Z or something, if that even exists.

“Hey pretty girl!” Jacob shouts at her. “You new here? Want me to show you around?” He grabs his crotch in the most obnoxious way possible, thrusting his hips. “I’ve got some great sights I think you’ll wanna see.”

Zachary smacks him on the back of his head. “Do you have to be such an asshole? Did she ask to see your dick, you idiot?”

Theo, Zach and I have been trying to educate Jacob this year. Moron thinks it’s okay to send unsolicited dicpicks to girls and randomly ask them to show their tits. He once tried that shit with my older sister Steffi at a party. Got his fucking ass kicked for it by both her and me. I don’t normally condone violence and I am not exactly a muscular guy, but if someone disrespects my family, they’re gonna get a fits in the fucking face. Even if they’re one of the guys I’m hanging out with. Jacob and I are not the best of friends or anything, but we’re in the art program together, and he can be surprisingly emotional and vulnerable when he’s not acting like his entire brain is located in his dick.

“Sorry for my friend,” I tell the girl as she walks by with his friend. “Welcome to-” The words freeze on my tongue when I realize I know this girl. She’s not new at all. “Alana?”

She looks annoyed and flustered, her eyes flitting from me to Jacob and back. “Hey, Benji.”

Holy fuck. The knockout is Alana Davids? How in the hell did I never notice that the shy, mousy girl I’ve known forever has such a wicked body?

“Alana?” Jacob repeats, his eyes wide. “What in the hell? Since when do you have tits?”

Once again, Zach smacks him. “Seriously, Jacob, count to ten before you speak.”

“Obviously, she’s always had tits,” Alana’s friend Sadie says, putting her arm around Alana. “Take a long good lock, boys, because that’s all you’ll ever get. Or did you seriously think she’d let a lowlife like you touch them, Jacob?”

Alana laughs nervously, picking up her pace. I get that. I wouldn’t want to have to listen to the lot of us for another second either. I feel bad that I didn’t recognize her, but in my defense… Alana Davids has never looked like that before. Red tank top, tight jeans, and she’s even wearing heels. Damn, why doesn’t she always dress like that? I think I’ve only ever seen her in hoodies, baggy T-shirts, and other clothes that hide her figure.

I wonder why she normally hides all of that underneath layers and layers of clothes. Any other girl I know would be eager to show off those enormous breasts, that hourglass figure, and the generous hips that sway as she walks.

“Earth to Benjamin,” Theo teases, waving a hand in front of my face. “Isn’t she like your cousin or something?”

I roll my eyes at him. “You know damn well she’s not.”

“You call her parents Aunt Abby and Uncle Chris,” Zachary reminds me.

Theo laughs. “Benji calls everyone aunt and uncle. He calls my parents that too.”

“Yeah, because your parents actually are my aunt and uncle,” I remind him. Theo’s father is my dad’s half-brother Jaxon, which makes us cousins.

“Yeah, but you also call Zach’s parents Aunt Franny and Uncle Joshua,” Jacob chimes in. “You’re not related to them.”

“We basically grew up together.” Zach throws an arm around me. “Although I think that’s mostly because my mom and dad don’t have a pool and yours do. I’m pretty sure that’s the whole basis of our parents’ friendship.”

The guys tease me some more about how I call everyone aunt and uncle, but I’m not even listening anymore. Yeah, my parents have lots of friends, and I am used to calling them that. Who cares? My mind is still on Alana Davids, who I am definitely not related to. Thank God for that, because the way my mind conjures up all sorts of images of what might be underneath that tank top and those skinny jeans… Nothing about that would be even remotely appropriate if she was actually my cousin.

“Hey Benjamin.”

I snap out of it when my girlfriend Alexia wraps herself around me, her soft body directing my attention a little further south. We’ve only been together for two months, but we’ve been sleeping together since the very first week, and the girl is definitely not shy about it.

“Can we sneak off?” she whispers into my ear. “Who needs English class anyway, right? We already speak the language. After all, I’m telling you in English that I want you.”

“Hmm…” I run my hand down her back, squeezing her ass. “Can you hold that thought until our free period? I have a test during English class.”

Alexia pouts. “But I’m in the mood now… Isn’t a test all the more reason to skip the class?”

It might be for her, but I actually give a shit about my GPA. I’m not a stellar student at all, struggling to do well enough to be allowed to stay in the art program at the school. I can’t afford to skip a test and get an F for not attending without good reason. I studied all week for this. I need a good grade to save my average.

“How about this…” I turn us around so I can push her up against the lockers. “If you wait until our free period, I’ll make it more than worth your while.”

“Does that mean you’ll do that thing again?” She bites her lips. “The thing you did last weekend?”

I press a kiss to her lips, moving my mouth to her ear next so my friends won’t be able to overhear us. “I’ll eat you out for as long as you want, babe.”

She shivers. “Okay. I guess I can allow you to go to class then.”

We share one last kiss, and then she takes off to gossip with her friends. My eyes follow her through the hallway, enjoying how short her cheerleader skirt is. When I finally tear my gaze away, I notice my friends are all checking out my girlfriend as well.

“Have some fucking respect,” I grunt.

Zachary and Theo look away, but Jacob smirks and keeps staring. “She’s the one wearing the skirt. If she doesn’t want anyone looking, she shouldn’t be dressed like that.”

I give him a shove, pushing him against the lockers. “That’s my girlfriend, you fucker. She can dress any way she damn well pleases. Doesn’t mean you have to be such a dick about it.”

The bell rings, and we break apart so I can rush to English class with Zachary. “Why do we hang out with that dude?” he mutters more to himself than to me. “He’s such an ass.”

That he is, but he’s the only one of my friends who understands how important art is to me. He won’t ever show anyone that side to him outside of art class, though. I think the reason he acts like such a caveman is overcompensation for being into stuff like water painting and origami. Seems pretty silly to me. I’m proud to be an artist, and it has never hurt my chances to get laid. If anything, I think girls dig artistic guys. The fact that I play guitar doesn’t hurt either. I may not be a jock, but I am dating one of the cheerleaders. She’s actually the third cheerleader I’ve ever been with. Not too shabby if I may say so myself.

After English class, I spot Alana in the hallway again. She’s got on a hoodie now, hiding her body yet again. The skinny jeans still show off her thick ass and wide hips, and I can’t help admiring them. She’s a year younger than me, but she doesn’t look like a girl. She looks all… woman. And a damn hot one at that. How the fuck did I never notice that before?

“Hey Alana,” I say as I pass her.

She looks up in surprise. “Oh, hey Benji.”

“Benjamin,” I correct her. I hate that everyone always calls me by that family nickname. I’m 16 for crying out loud, not 6. “Sorry about my dipshit friends this morning.”

“Well, you thought I was a new student as well, didn’t you?” she shoots back sharper than I expected. I’ve never heard her give anyone lip before. Maybe her parents or brothers, but definitely no one else. She’s normally so meek that I hardly even notice she exists when we’re at the same birthday parties or anything.

“That’s because you’re normally not dressed so…” I hesitate. How to say this in a way that won’t sound douchey? “You look especially beautiful today,” I end up saying.

“Leslie lent me these clothes. When I got out of my car, some idiot drove through a puddle and soaked me completely. She had this in the back of her car.” She scowls. “I’d normally never be caught dead in any of this. Especially not heels. Hard to walk in them.”

“Looks good on you, though. But yeah, you should only wear clothes you’re comfortable in, of course.”

She looks taken-aback at that comment. “Erm… thanks. Still doesn’t explain why you didn’t recognize me. We’ve known each other forever. I still have the same face.”

“I wasn’t looking at your face,” I can’t help pointing out.

She flushes bright red despite her light brown skin. “Oh. Erm… that’s… Why?”

“Why?” I repeat. “You heard what Jacob said this morning, right? I know he said it in the most obnoxious way possible, but he wasn’t wrong. Like I said, you look really good today.”

She tugs at her hoodie nervously. “Thank you. I should go now. I have Biology.”

“Right, sorry.” I step aside to let her pass. “Are you coming to my mom’s birthday party this weekend?”

“Wasn’t planning on it, but my parents are definitely going.”

“Too bad. If you change your mind… There will be chocolate cake from Piece of Cake Bakery.”

She smiles at that. “That’s a compelling argument. I’ve got band practice in the morning, though.”

Right. She’s a band geek. I forgot she plays the clarinet. “How about this… I’ll save you a piece, and you can come get it after band practice.”

“Okay…” She looks a little unsure. “I’m not sure I’ll stop by, though. I have a lot of homework.”

“I’ll save you a piece just in case.” Why the hell am I pushing so hard for her to stop by my house this weekend? I see her at school all the time, and it’s not like she’s obligated to come to my mother’s birthday just because our parents are friends. I didn’t go to Christopher’s last birthday either. If I go to every single birthday my parents invite me to tag along to, I’d never be able to have my own social life.

Alana finally leaves to head to Biology, and I take off to find Alexia to deliver on my promise to make up for not skipping my English test. As I head to our usual meeting spot underneath the bleachers, I keep thinking about Alana Davids in those tight jeans. Damn. I hope she gets soaked more often, forced to wear her friend’s clothes. A girl like that shouldn’t hide herself underneath frumpy hoodies. Such a waste.