Solitude (a short story)

A Short Story

Ese....

Ese stared into the ceiling. She stared so long and hard that she thought the chandelier knots looked like a human face, two round eyes and a very “o” shaped mouth, like something from a cartoon. She had been reading a book before she had her episode of screams muffled by her soft blue pillow. Her head and body ached from frustration and loneliness, maybe anxiety. She lay naked on the blue sheets that covered her bed and the fan felt too cold but she didn’t want to turn it off and that added to her restlessness.

Was she sexually frustrated? She laughed at the possibility. She never even had sex before and honestly smooching wasn’t her problem at the moment.

Over the weeks, she had done a lot of soul searching and deep thinking. People always said that identifying your problems helped you solve them. Again she laughed. What a stupid lie. Identifying her problems only made her find more problems and made her even more agitated and pressured to solve them, make them go away permanently.

She checked her mobile phone for the hundredth time that day. Maybe someone would notice that she’d not posted anything on her social media page in days. Maybe one of her ‘friends’ would invite her out to cool off at a picnic or something. What a mirage, she thought. She squealed into the pillows again ,

“FUDGE!"

She screamed. She had trained herself not to use profanities but honestly she felt ridiculous because everything her heart was made of yelled 'fuck'. She had committed the sin either way.

“Damn it!" She said out loud instead.

Eating had been her coping mechanism in months. When it deemed overwhelming, she ate. Now her appetite was in a size competition with Goliath. “Mtchew” she hissed as she made her way to the kitchen to make noodles. She would add too much pepper for fun and adventure. She grinned as she added pepper to her indomie which already boiled brown with Cameroon pepper.

“Why am I this way?" She asked no one in particular, pretending not to know that God heard her. God was a presence in her life that she couldn’t deny. These days though, He seemed far away. She continued to shake Cameroon pepper into her noodle until she started to sneeze. She grinned again.

It surprised her how easy it was for her to cry these days.

“Why is this happening to me?" She cried still feeling cold but refusing to wear a dress.

She ate her noodles too calmly, then proceeded to watch a movie. A habit she had developed recently, never eating without deciding what movie to watch first. Pretending to be excited about the movie, she howled with useless laughter all too often. Somehow she thought her neighbors knew she was lonely and depressed. She laughed all the time to debunk such ideas. She wished she was medically insane. Maybe she’d be free from thoughts.

But she wasn’t oblivious. She knew every hurt and pain, recognized them like kin. She put off the movie and continued with her book. Headache fought against her and so she picked up the movie again. She was tired.

“Why am I like this?" She mused. Other thoughts wrestled the sleepiness that threatened to visit. She welcomed them. “You may just die” “maybe he’s with another girl” “do you really think that you’re a good person? “What have you ever done for God that you think He should do anything for you? “Maybe you’re destined to be alone….that’s not such a bad thing” “you don’t know how to love” “you’re not smart” “if you were good enough, people would see you” “you’re a coward” “you’re a hypocrite” “you’re nothing”………..

She turned in her bed, trying to get enough comfort to make her fall asleep.

“What if it’s all a lie?" A still voice she recognized as hers said. “What if it’s all going to be okay?"

I will send down an army to

Find you, in the middle of

The hardest fight…..I will

Rescue you…….

the words from Lauren Daigle’s song flooded her blurry heart and so she picked up her phone, this time knowing what to do and played the song. She knew the voice too. It was the God that had loved her all her life and she acknowledged it with a smile. She turned again and found sleep - a deep restful sleep.

Whisperer: she would repeat this struggle again tomorrow.