Together

“What are you talking about?” I try to focus on the wall behind his head, something that won’t make it too obvious I was avoiding his eyes. Even though I feel confused and embarrassed, my heart won’t stop fluttering. It feels like it’s digging down all the way into my stomach, and then lifting itself up into my throat, making it difficult to breathe. The feeling is so painful, but at the same time, my lips won’t stop twitching into a smile. I’d become an addict if I got hooked on this feeling too long.

He lowers his chin to look at me, twirling a strand of my hair as he speaks, “I love you, Aisley. I won’t let you leave me, because I need you.”

His words feel hot in my ear, and my heart suffocates me again. I can’t let him do this to me. I have to push him away now before it’s too late.

I grab his shoulders with the motive of shoving him away, but my arms feel weak without him even needing to resist. The moment my fingertips touched the fabric of his clothes, I immediately felt like I was being sucked in. I wanted more than just my fingers to touch him. I want to inspect every part of his body and explore him. I want to feel connected with him, to be him, or even be inside him.

I become more conscious of my breathing, worried that I’m too loud, but I can’t calm down enough to be satisfied with shallow breaths.

“Tell me now if you want me to stop.” He lets go of my hair and looks me in the eyes. I can’t answer. I hear him speaking, but instead of listening to his words, I listen to his voice. I reach up and touch his lips, hoping that he’ll talk forever so that I’d be able to feel the vibrations through my fingertips.

My lips begin twitching more rapidly as I try to suppress my growing smile. I dig my nail into his bottom lip until it begins to bleed. He squints at me and his eyebrows crease. As expected, he looks beautiful even when he’s hurt. I stare at the blood on his lip and smear it with my thumb. No, I don’t want him to stop. I want him to look at me forever just like he is now.

I lick the blood off my thumb feeling my legs tremble slightly. It’s such a bittersweet taste. I move my hands to rest on his cheeks, caressing his skin, trying to memorize the texture.

He tightens his jaw, looking down at me. His face looks so twisted right now. His clenched jaw and his narrowed eyes stare down at me, disgusted. It makes me so happy to see because I know that the face he’s making is only for me. I am the only person he allows himself to despise, the only one he can take his anger out on.

His hand grips the back of my hair, and he pulls my head back violently, shoving me onto the ground.

My head slams into the wall and the pain causes tears to well up in my eyes. I look up at his face grinning and reach out to touch him. I lower myself further onto the floor, finally being able to grip the hem of his pants and crawl to him.

“Ugh.. crazy bitch.” He kneels down and touches the back of my hair again, this time gently, and pulls me in, kissing me with enough leniency so that I could move around. I take the chance to clean the rest of the blood remaining on his face with my tongue. When we pulled away from each other I admired his face, which was now flushed pink and hot to the touch.

“I love you too.” Of course, saying I love you was an understatement. We had mutual feelings of resentment and infatuation with each other. Neither of us could fit all our feelings into the word love, it was just convenient to use at the moment.

He sat down fully before pulling me closer into a hug. We stayed like that for a while, and my heart moved at the same rhythm as his, as though they were beating together.

“I’m sorry if I was too rough, I just had a bad day.” His hands squeeze my shoulders in reassurance, trying to let me know he felt guilty.

He’s so cute. I play with his ear for a couple of seconds, pinching it every now and then.

“It’s ok, no matter how much you hurt me, I’ll never leave you.”

We stare at each other silently. We both know that we are completely reliant on the other person, and “leaving” is a laughable topic. We are each other’s only existence. We live together in a false reality, a reality where we will never be able to escape the warmth of each other’s bodies.