Needs Work

"I think the premise is pretty good. It's interesting enough, I'm waiting for something more to come in to really set it apart from other mystery type novels. But it's hard to get through with some elements of the writing style. All of the sentences are simple sentences, meaning thee's very little variation and it sounds very choppy. Commas and semicolons are your friends, this book is dying for a little bit of variation to break up the prose and make it sound more natural. Also, there's is an issue with showing vs. telling in this. You tell rather than show, which is a common issue among writers. Technically, the dialogue tags need work since some of them are placed awkwardly or incorrectly. And along with that goes the sentence structure issue - that is the biggest problem I see with this book since it's hard to get into the plot when it doesn't sound good coming off the page. Overall, I think you have a good idea, the execution just needs to be improved, and it's a pretty easy fix. Just go in there and add some variation (combine sentences!) Good luck!"