Our First Love
The two of us, sitting on the roof of my car. The two of us, making the goofiest faces. The two of us, grinning in our classroom. The two of us, posing for the camera for the last time.
The two of us. Me and Shalini. Till death do us part.
I drew in a shaky breath and closed the photo album. 4 years of memories, finished in one hour.
I put the album back in the cupboard and reached for what I had really opened the cupboard for- my college ID card.
I looked at the girl smiling awkwardly at the cameraman, her eyes full of hope and excitement for the years ahead. She would be horrified if I pulled her aside and told her what the future had in store for her. If I told her that the girl she sat next to in her English class would be her best friend. That they would love each other the way only friends do, that they would share anything and everything.
That I am the reason she is dead.
I took the bus, as always. I hadn’t driven since that night. Even now, I couldn’t look out the window, afraid that I would look at the road and see her.
I closed my eyes and leaned against the bars, letting the memories wash over me.
We were on the sidewalk, her in a t-shirt with roses all over it, her favourite flower, and me, looking perhaps as hurt and confused as I felt.
“What do you mean, you’re moving? And to London, of all places?”
She sighed. “Sahil’s job-”
“Oh, Sahil! Now I finally understand. You’re giving up your dreams and our friendship for a guy.” I scoffed. “And what does Sahil think of that?”
“It’s not for him! I really do want to move to London. Sahil is just an added bonus, that’s all. And, admit it, you’ve never really liked him.”
I stared at her. Was she really trying to insinuate that the only reason I was mad was that I didn’t like her boyfriend?
“And what about us? I spent weeks convincing my parents to let us live together after graduation.” Or have you forgotten about that?”
She looked down at her feet. “I-”
I groaned in frustration. “Fine, go. What are you waiting for?” I gave her a small push, and she sighed. “Maya,” she began, weakly.
“I said go!” I pushed her again, and her left heel caught in the manhole cover as she stumbled backwards onto the road. In a panic, I reached out to pull her back, but I was too late. The last thing I remember is her eyes widening in shock and betrayal as the car slammed into her.
I was summoned back to the present as the bus jerked to a stop. I gathered my things and got down, taking a deep breath. This was it. My 10th college reunion. I knew the first question everyone was going to ask, and I had spent all week debating how to answer it. Still, I didn’t think I was ready.
I was wrong. It seemed that everyone had either forgotten, or had simply decided to pretend it never happened. While relieved, I was a little miffed that Shalini wasn’t being honoured the way she deserved.
“Maya.” came a voice behind me, and I mentally groaned. Sahil. Of course. I plastered on a fake grin and spun around.
“Sahil! Hey! Long time no see!”
He wasn’t grinning, just smiling wistfully, and there was nothing fake about it. “It’s been 10 years,” he said, and I knew he wasn’t talking about our graduation.
I see we’re skipping the small talk then.
My grin faded and I nodded solemnly.
We stood around in silence for a few minutes until I said “I’m sorry. It was my fault, and I blame myself for it every day. If not for me, you could have had a life in London. I’m really, really sorry.”
He half-smiled and shrugged. “Well, what’s done is done, right? The past is in the past, and all that. I did blame you for the first few years, but I know how much you loved her. It was nothing more than an accident.”
We smiled at each other.
Looking back at that moment, I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I felt a current run through me. I like to believe that it was Shalini, pushing us together, urging us to be happy.
A year later, at our wedding, Sahil and I left a chair empty for Shalini, decorated with red roses. Despite how much we loved each other, she would always be our first love.
