The Hell in Me

Here I am standing near the shore my name doesn't need to be said nor does it need to be remembered, for I am unfit to etched into someone's memory.

Miles of water stretching far across the horizon, my vision being impaired by a brilliant orange ball that's slowly setting on the ocean's surface and was ready to dive deep in it's depths as soon as the light fades in the darkness, and all that remains are reflections of the scattered light wondering in the sky.

The sky before it's descent looked as if it's burning & slowly cooling down as it falls and the cold winds of the night comes bellowing towards my direction, I know not where the wind comes from or how it is formed, everything around me feeling shaky, I see my surroundings become blurry and distant, like oil paint being plastered across my eyes filtering what I see. I close my eyes I put gun to my mouth, the metallic taste from the object left an impression in my mind "This was what death Tasted like", I pull the trigger and in a flash my world had turned into a bright crimson red.

There at that moment, came another one of my epiphanies. I, once again, am alone.

What does that mean to me after everything that's happened and everything I did and didn't do? What is my problem? How do I fix me? Where do I go that I feel I belong? Why won't I stop suffocating? What is going on? I feel lost, and at that moment I remember old news reports, I remember vivid images of war photos, gas prices climbing, food shortages, water bills and electric bills rising. I see the movies that I've watched, the shows that I've binged, the books that I've read, Photos of my Family, images of their faces flashing in my mind.

Then above it all, the one clear image near the end of the flash, I saw myself, a silhouette so contorted and twisted a reflection of my helplessness, ugliness, EVIL and unworthiness; through it I realized, I...was lost...oh yeah that's right...I'm supposed to be dead.

There were voices, but I could no longer discern whose they came from, I simply guess from where it echoed from, and if the individual speaking had been someone I was familiar with. I think it over in my mind and all I could do is fane a smile, build a façade every time I crack, but why, what's the reason, why am I so afraid? A simple Question hangs over my mind that continuously haunts me since I was 7, a question that continued to give me nightmares, anxieties and ultimately is what gave my mind the ability to consider self harm as a possible solution.

"Who are you, and why are you here?" it said screaming at me and as if out of spite, and a play of mockery laughs at my face as the question pops up.

"WHAT? Why do I-?" was what I had exclaimed in a hurry, in a shock to the question that I thought I had already answered and moved on from.

It weighs on me that simple question, it suffocates me, it distresses me, it kills a piece of me each time I think of it...where, where, what..."WHAT" is my initial response? A simple answer pops in my head and it quickly turns into a nightmare by the time I close my eyes and shut the world that I thought I knew out of mind to think on it.

"I DON'T KNOW." I exclaimed.

"FUCK,FUCK,FUCK!" I screamed so loudly hoping someone would save me.

"The heat, it's so hot, it feels like I'm burning!" I hear a faint voice scream out loud as the bellow of a mighty wind drowned it out.

Why is it that, that is the only answer I got, where is this all going? What am I doing and thinking? The worst part of it is that it ends with a period...it ends not with a question, but as if the answer meant that all I did went no where, that's all there is to it.

Paranoia sets in, the chill of the night enters me, but soon it escapes. The warm world I kept imagining was my day to day life, crumbles, it feels difficult to move a muscle, the air, it's getting harder to breathe, my lips are cracking...I ask, and ask and ponder and created scenarios over, and over, and over, and over.over.over.over.over.over.over.over....I-

What is my talent? Music? BS I didn't grow. How about singing? Full of shit, I recorded and all that greeted me was a voice filled with disappointment. Math? The grueling memories of doing my best only to be greeted by anger and resentment, jealousy, self-hatred, boredom, imprisonment, and paranoia. The feelings are burnt into my memory.

Science? I was interested in it, at studies about certain discoveries, but where do I belong there? My interest was no more than simple curiosity rather than a true passion. Where?WHERE? I spoke, and apparently that's what I was good at, what I was praised at doing. Talk? I can make a career out of it?

As a Child when my parents would leave me alone at home I liked to watch the old shows & Films, talk to myself, create scenarios in my head, think about how each character would act, and should act, I think of what-ifs and why-nots; talk like I had an accent, speak as if I had a friend...NO!NO! I don't belong, I couldn't have belonged there, the money, the debt has to be paid.

"The debt has to be paid!" I finally shouted. the noise coming from the weight of the shackles that bind me.

I thought to myself how much I needed to repay the kindness shown to me by my family, the thoughts spiraling in my head, ultimately ending with one word to describe me and my attempts at payment...."FAILURE!"

I was greeted with a responsibility that I thought I wanted, but I had to give it away because of something I liked to do? What's wrong with me? Cooking as a chef? I want to cook, I want to learn how to be a part of a professional atmosphere and system, but was that out of passion or my narcissistic view of a delusion I kept dreaming about? I have to remember my place, but why can't I resolve myself and grow as a person? I want to write, I want to observe the things around me, I want to voice the characters I loved and grew up with, I want to travel, meet people, greet people, help people, and to die with a smile on my face when it is all over.

"COWARD"

Yes it dawns on me...I am a coward, a worthless fool, who some how believes I can be whoever I wanted to be without struggle, without consequence. Why? Cause I thought I was a part of the GOOD Guys. "COWARD" it echoes, and I look at my life and it seems to be true.

Where was I in all that I supposedly accomplished? I turn to examine what I've done and realize that not only was someone better than me, but removing myself from the happenings did not change the outcome.

Where was I in the lives of the people that mattered to me? I wasn't there physically, I was a still image of a person, a voice forgotten and easily replaced. I enjoyed life the best I could, but it didn't seem that I was solidified to be a part of their lives no matter how small my role was.

Where was I in the things I thought I was interested in? The delusion taking over the ability to take action and leaving behind a hypocritical bastard that does no good and could do no good.

Where was I when it came to inspiring someone's life and someone's growth in life? I never did, I didn't become a friend that provided words of encouragement or wisdom, I was no friend to those around me, a mere acquaintance that was related to people who were friends with people, and ultimately was not in any way involved in the betterment of the people around him; he was easily forgotten, easily replaced, I was less than a person, I was less than a background character, I was a nobody that gave no meaning whether I lost nor whether I had won.

The FINAL answer?

"I'm not HERE"

I thought I was somewhat of a close friend to all I had met. In elementary I thought I had made friends, I shared what I owned out of kindness...I didn't care if they took my pencil and never returned it, I didn't care about them cheating and looking at my paper, I didn't care whether I was awarded or not. I had thought that I gave out a sense of warmth, a sense of safety, that I would listen, and I would understand.

What a fool I was. What an ignorant, pathetic fool I was. "Didn't care", ah yes, the fool reveals himself to be the "Coward"; the "Ignorant"; and worse yet the worthless "Failure". If I had "Cared" maybe then I meant something to someone, if I had "Cared" I would've grown as a person, maybe then they could opened up to me, and we could be friends.

Highschool...yes that's where I realized my Hubris, I looked back and presently. You know what I realized? I truly meant nothing to anyone, a nuisance that pops his head ever so often, a fool pitied by those who were acquainted with him; tethered to my parents in name only, but add character and my own sense of identity, I never felt more alone and distant with anybody else in my life nor in this world; I am a stranger in what one calls his "own home".

"They are good people, I am the cruel one." I had thought

Bitterness I found in myself; loneliness greeting me at every corner, turning a blind eye to the signs due to fear, denial; and finally Emptiness...I knew, but I denied it. Ironic for someone who tries to look in the good of others and tries to see the darkness in everyday life in order to accept them and grow. To think an evil is born within me, neglected by me, and is ultimately what I have become.

Hmmm..."Evil" what do I think that word means? Where do I associate the word?

Dictionaries define it as: "Morally reprehensible: SINFUL, WICKED". Some define it as something that comes from bad character, an impulse that is repulsive to others, and an impulse that causes harm to others. Many attribute EVIL with objects or individuals marked with misfortune.

I have always defined EVIL as: a conduct or behavior that bastardizes life itself, and always looks for opportunities to cause sheer harm and violence, corrupting everything around them until nothing is left, and even then they are satisfied with the outcome; they don't care about misfortune actively subjecting others to it and spreading it like wildfire, even if it is towards themselves.

So in the END my spirit hovering my corpse, I saw that I was laid there like a zombie, my brain matter splattered across the sands; on the shores of my world, I then looked up and realized. I killed someone today and tortured him every moment, starting from a young age of 7 up to his pathetic death in this location.

That person was my inner child, the wonder he once had, the innocence he once held in his hand, the smile that meant something to people, and a voice that soothed someone's worry.

I burned him slowly as he grew, the curiosity fading away and turning to ash, the purity the child had on his face embodied by his smile was charred and fell to pieces, and finally the memory of the child turned to smoke & blown away by the wind, forever wondering the world with no form, and no reason. I killed the child, but the man became a monster. As for the child's voice, all that remained, could only be heard crying in pain.

"I AM AN EVIL, I AM SELF LOATHING, AND I AM IN HELL!

I killed someone today, and it happened to be MYSELF!"

I then heard a voice in my head and said:

"Take my Hand and shake it, you are no longer HUMAN. Come with me! I will give you pleasure, pain, hell and most of all I will give you purpose... and soon the 'you' at the end, shall find a place to belong, only if you let me take your soul."

I reached out and said-