What Once Was Mine

Locante, a small town nestled in a bed of wood. With a population just over a thousand, the most hustle and bustle came from the town square, a large park surrounded by concrete and shops. Candy, clothes, tourists, restaurants, tattoos and more, Locante had it all for such a small dot on a map.

The sun was low in the sky, as it was just six in the morning. The long arms of the bright star had not yet touched the sky over the towering trees. Alas, the people of Locante were up, opening shops and sweeping porches. The 'OPEN' sign of Rosa's Bakery was switched on, flashing blue and red and all the colors in between. Cuppa Smiles, the coffee shop on the corner of Forest and River was still closed, but the lights inside were on. Around the corner, on River Street, a quaint building sat nestled between a clothes shop and a tourist shack. Stamped on the front of the building in swirly, light cursive letters is "Ricca's", the name of the owner. Ricca translates roughly to rich in Italian, which is what the restaurant is known for. Being one of three restaurants in Locante, it was either Italian American, barbecue or brunch from Leonie's.

Further out from the square, beautiful two story log cabin homes dotted the area, fixed with rolling green lawns and rustic charm. That's what Locante was known for, anyway.

"Rustic charm," I scoff, shoving my foot into a boot. The snow outside was falling faster than the weatherman anticipated. Not that Locante had any good weathermen, anyway. Jerry Yeoman, an older man with an age complex is the reporter for Locante News. He walks around flashing his shiny jewelry and his plastic wife, like every other sod in this town. Jerry Yeoman was the epitome of everything wrong with Locante.

I hurried to pull my winter coat on, because Ricca's opens in twenty two minutes. My home, a sorry excuse for a log cabin, was nestled on the outer edges of Locante, almost inching into the woods. It was one story, with one bedroom and a tiny bathroom big enough to fit my left foot in. The grass was full of weeds, dead and brown. One of the front windows got blown out in the last storm, so I covered it with some cardboard and tape until there was enough money to go to the hardware store. Unfortunately, it meant the house was almost as chilly as the air outside. I haven't resorted to burning the logs keeping the house together, though.

Another two minutes go by, of me hopping around the tiny living room and getting my stuff together. I pull my hair up into a bun and stick a beanie on it, tucking it around my ears. The cold turns my poor skin into alabaster white, and my ears into blocks of ice. Hopefully the clothing store has earmuffs on sale.

I grab my keys and jet towards the door. I pull it open and let it rest on the wall. Checking my watch, I realize there's not much time. "Fuck," I say, shoving my hands into my pockets. Eighteen minutes left. From my humble shack to Ricca's, it's a twenty minute walk. I sigh and step towards the door, my feet hurrying to carry me back inside. I look over to my right. Tiny feet covered in thick boots lead up to thick leggings and a thick jacket. My eyes settle on a tiny face, covered in freckles and a frown.

"Come on, we're gonna be late." I say, holding my hand out. She grabs it, tucking her body in close to me.

"You forgot me." She says, her voice small and soft.

"No, I was simply... checking the weather." I tug down on her hat, making sure it covers her tiny ears. Her long red hair falls over her back in low pigtails, and she gazes up at me with large brown eyes.

"It's cold, Tori. It's always cold." She frowns again, looking down so that I can't see her eyes anymore. I look up, exhausted, and sigh harder.

"I could never forget you." I mumble under my breath, squeezing her fingers.

"Cold," I hear the tiniest voice whisper. Thick, little fingers make grabby hands at me, and I scoop up the baby into my other arm. Her brown hair tickles my neck where it dangles. She kisses my cheek, slobbering in that way that babies do, and tucks her head into my neck.

"I know." I say and lock up the house. Not that anyone would steal from us. No one in Locante, anyway. No one ever comes out here.

My feet slap against the sidewalk as I speed walk, jostling the two year old on my shoulder. The wind is unforgiving, cold and nipping at my skin, so I wrap my arms tighter around Maddie, hoping she could spare some body heat. I hurry Violet on, who runs by my side to catch up.

By the time we get to Ricca's, Maddie is giggling against my skin, her spit and teeth all over my shoulder. Lottie takes one look and bursts into laughter, clutching my fingers in her tiny death grip. How was a four year old girl crushing my bones? The grimace on my face is hard to conceal, even as I arrive to Ricca's two minutes before opening.

"You're late." I hear as soon as the door opens. The bell above my head jingles again as Maddie reaches up to touch it. The restaurant is already set up for breakfast, with the chairs on the floor and the tables wiped down. The buffet bar is filled with steaming food, and the humming of the lights in the room fill the air. The entire place is decked out in dark walls and dark furniture, which clash slightly, but Ricca won't hear it.

"Actually, I'm early. By two whole minutes, Ricca." I say, setting Maddie down on the ground. She wraps her arm around my leg, much like Lottie does now, and I walk further into the restaurant. They both plant their feet on my own, bouncing as if their added weight is nothing. I scowl down at them, waving them away with my fingers. "Shoo, shoo."

"That's not what your time card will say," Ricca says, smiling. "You haven't clocked in yet."

"Crap!" I say, rushing to the back room to clock in. The girls tumble over each other as they plop onto the floor, a mass of giggles.

Ricca walks in after me, a toddler on each arm. She sets them down in two chairs next to the door. "Ready for breakfast, my lovelies?" Ricca asks, smiling widely at the two.

"Yes please," Violet beams, sliding her chair forward. Maddie observes her and tries to do the same, but her chair doesn't move. I stick my time card into the slot, using my foot to push Maddie's chair in as she leans back again. Ricca leaves the room. I sit next to Lottie, who throws a fit if I don't, and bop her on the nose.

"You'll be good for Ricca, right? And keep an eye on Maddie."

"Of course I will!" Violet says, swinging her feet.

"Hungry." Maddie whispers to me, reaching out. I shake my head.

"I can't hold you right now. I have to go work." I stand up as Ricca walks back in, holding two plates with eggs, sausage, and a slice of toast that she split. I lean over Maddie's seat and kiss her forehead, brushing her wavy hair back. She pouts at me, her face flushed in anger. I kiss Lotties head too.

"Look here Bella, time for food." She says, placing the plates down on the table. Lottie begins eating immediately, her eyes on me as they usually are. Maddie huffs and crosses her arms, cutting her eyes at us.

"Ooh," I say, teasing. "Ricca's gonna get you."

"Madelyn Manning, you drop that attitude and eat your food." Ricca scolds, pointing her finger. Maddie frowns, but picks up her spoon obediently. I pull my apron and name tag on, and make sure my hair is pinned back.

"You're going to have to wait until break time, Tori. You got here too late for breakfast." Ricca says, an apology in her tone. I met Ricca one year ago, when I had realized that my parent's trust fund for me wouldn't last us forever. One of Ricca's servers had just quit, so the timing couldn't have been more perfect, when I walked by and saw the 'HELP WANTED' in big red letters. Ricca basically took us in, and every day that I have to work, she lets me bring my little sisters in to sit in the break room and test out Ricca's new recipes.

"I know. It's okay." I reassure her. I glance at Maddie, and seeing her elbow deep in eggs, focus on Lottie, who's started to watch me with watery eyes. I pull off her jacket and hat, smoothing down her red baby hairs. "Be good, okay? I love you and I promise I'll be back soon."

She grabs my wrist as I turn to leave. "I- I don't want you to go."

"I know, I know. I'll be back, I promise."

"Pinky promise?" She asks, and I loop my pinky through hers.

"Pinky promise. I'll be just through that door, okay? And you can peek your head out and I'll be right there, okay?" I say, pleading with her to let me go to work without a fuss.

"Okay," She replies, though I hear the shake in her voice and see the tremble in her tiny bottom lip. I hate seeing her upset, so I grab her cheeks and kiss all over her face, smiling at her giggle.

"I promise Violet. Just through that door." I whisper, touching my nose to hers. She closes her eyes and shakes her head gently, giving me a kiss.

"Okay," Lottie says again, and this time I believe her. I leave the room with one last glance, worried about my sisters and the last connection to my parents that I have.

———

When I get off of work at 5pm, around eleven hours later, Violet, Maddie and I are headed to the doctor's office next to the bar and across from the liquor store. The doctor's office is the closest thing to a hospital for Locante, though the mayor has promised that plans for a hospital are already underway. Because of the residents of Locante's ridiculous need for perfect families, Locante has a handful of midwives that every expecting mother goes to. Anyone else with any other kind of ailment comes to the doctor's office, which is how I find myself entertaining a four year old and a two year old with Kleenex and home magazines while we wait. Around thirty minutes later, Lottie grows tired of waiting and begins tugging on my arm, whining.

"I'm sorry baby, I don't have anything for you to play with. But we needed to come to this appointment. It's really important. Can you sit down?" I say, glancing up as a few of the other waiting patients eye Lottie and I.

"The chair hurts my butt," She says to me, her loud voice hurting reaching my ears. I sigh and adjust Maddie, who fell asleep after a long day of eating at Ricca's. I lay her on the right side of my chest and pull Lottie up onto my lap, wrapping my free arm around her.

"There, all better." I say.

"Thanks Tori." She says, tugging on the end of my ponytail. The holder fell out, sending my curls falling down my back. I scowled and scooped it back up, twirling it into a bun. My hair was a lot like Violet's, the same shade of red, though curly. I usually have lots of trouble getting it ready in the morning, hence the hasty ponytail and now the sloppy bun.

"Violet Manning?" I hear a voice call. I look up and tug Lottie off of my lap at the sight of the woman in scrubs. Placing my arm under Maddie's butt, I take Lottie's hand and heave my body up. We scurry past the woman, into the narrow hallway, and away from the heavy looks and pitying eyes.

"Stand up here please." The woman gestures. I let go of Lottie's hand and nod my head when she looks back at me.

"38 pounds even." She mumbles, scribbling away at her papers. Next, she pulls a large white stick out of the back of the scale, and bends it down to loom over Lottie's head. "41.2 inches." She says, and I throw Lottie a high five because that's 1.2 more inches than last time.

"Right this way, ladies." The woman says with a smile, pointing down the hall to the right. Lottie reaches up with her hands and I pick her up, placing her on my hip. Maddie wakes up at the movement, whining in my ear. Her chubby fingers clench around my shirt. I sigh and stumble after the nurse.

"You're getting too big for this babe." I say, hoisting her up as she starts to slide.

"I'm only 38 pounds," She whispers in my ear.

"Are you calling me weak?" I gasp, playfully glaring at her. Lottie nods her head around a fit of giggles, poking my cheek. I furrow my eyebrows because that's a weird thing to do. But then again, kids are weird.

"Dr. Briar will be with you shortly." The woman says, waiting until we are settled into the room before she closes the door. It shuts with a resounding 'click!' and I let Lottie's legs go. Expecting her to slide down, I frown when she wraps her legs around my hips tighter.

"No," She whispers, shutting her eyes tight and shaking her head.

"I'm right here Lottie. I'm not going anywhere, I promise." I say, sighing. She shakes her head again, and I give up. I walk over to the chair. "Get down for one second, okay?"

She hesitantly slides to the floor, and her hands clench onto the side of my shirt. I sit down and tuck Maddie back into arm. She signs softly in my ear, falling back asleep, and I gesture for Lottie.

"Come on," I say. Lottie jumps up onto my lap, leaning back against my chest. We sit like that for 8 minutes, listening to the clock tick and the sound of our breaths. The room is mostly bare, and completely white, save for a few health posters. There is a large, light tan colored trash can in one corner, next to a counter top with a sink and soap dispenser. On the wall, underneath the posters, there is a clear container holding boxes of gloves. Small, medium, and large, though the large and medium are almost empty. The floor is glossy, and I scrap my shoe against it, frowning at the faint scuff.

I pick my head up as someone knocks and the door handle turns, opening with another 'click!'. A man steps in with one smooth motion, pushing the door shut behind him and turning towards us.

"Hi there! You must be Victoria?" He says, light blue eyes trained on me. He moves over towards the sink with ease and flicks on the water. He washes his hands quickly, and he's already drying them before I can think to say anything.

"Yes." Is all I can manage, because I realize that once again, I am the adult that has to answer in this situation.

"And which one of you is Violet?" He asks, crouching down next to my chair. Maddie snores softly, unbothered. Lottie peeks at him from behind a curtain of red hair, a friendly expression on her face.

"I'm Violet." She says, smiling at him and smoothing her hair back.

"I'm Dr. Briar. But you can call me Dr. Briar."

Lottie giggles, letting go of her vice grip on my fingers to shake the big hand Dr. Briar holds out for her. Her tiny hand in his bear claws was comical, and I don't hold back my laugh.

"And guess what my family calls me?" He says, tugging the glasses sticking out of his pocket onto his face.

"Dr. Briar?" Lottie guesses. She tilts her head, flicking a strand of hair into my eye. I pull back, shocked, with my eye burning. What the hell?

"No silly! They call me Joe!" He sends Lottie into another fit of giggles, and she leans over in my arms so far that I thought I would drop her. "Alright Violet, let's get this started, huh? Can you sit up here on the big girl seat for me?" Dr. Briar asks. His question causes Lottie to frown, and she places her hand back on my own.

"Well if you won't sit in the big girl chair," I say, trying to hide my smile, "Then I will. I heard the big girl chair is only for the most special big girl in all the world. The most beautiful too." I add. Lottie's frown deepens, and she thinks it over for a moment. Before I know it, Lottie's hands shove my arm from around her and she's jumping up, trying to get onto the seat in the middle of the room.

"Hold on there," Dr. Briar says. He pulls on a handle and a little step comes out of the front of the seat. Lottie gets onto the step and plops down, an unsure smile on her face.

"Am I pretty, Tori?" She asks, her cheeks lit up in a blush.

"You're the most beautiful I've ever seen." I say, and lean back in my chair with a sigh. "Now let Dr. Briar do his job okay?"

She nods her head, and I lay my head on Maddie's, playing with the lint in my pocket as Lottie got her check up.

Dr. Briar tells me that Lottie's lungs sound okay. That she's doing well after the scare a year and a half ago. I almost sink back in relief, ready to round up Maddie, who woke up with an excessive amount of energy, until Dr. Briar says that Lottie's clingy behavior is odd.

"She's taken to you like a daughter does a mother. And while that makes sense, given that you are her guardian, Violet seems to have developed a case of separation anxiety." Dr. Briar says, watching as Lottie and Maddie play I Spy. Even as she's playing, Lottie glances at me every other minute, as if waiting for me to disappear. It's heartbreaking, watching my sister look over with the fear that I'll be gone.

———

Separation anxiety. That's what the doctor told me she has. At first I didn't understand, because I live with Lottie. But Dr. Briar explained that separation anxiety is about more than just living with someone. He explained all of the complicated terms and conditions and effects of separation anxiety but I couldn't understand, so I look it up. Separation anxiety: A disorder in which a child becomes excessively anxious when separated from parents.

Oh.

Now I understand.