Mr. Smiley Man

I am lost... The heavy rain tapping angrily against the bedside window echoes across my streetlight lit bedroom. I lay awake in bed not knowing... The light covers me like a soothing blanket trying to be that missing aspect of hope, for not. I am lost. I have been lost for as long as I can remember but now without the mundane of life to distract me from it, it finally grabbed onto me with its unyielding claws and refused to let go. It would be wrong to say that this is a new experience for me however as I have previously mentioned this creature of emptiness had been haunting me for a while. That thing that most people ignore, that presence ever present near you, watching and waiting to pounce when you are at your lowest. I am still yet to meet my predator but now would be as good as any of a time to see their face. Perhaps then I would actually finally be.

Letting go of holding onto the waking world I drifted off to sleep.

I wake from the load burst of kids early in the morning. I live next to a public park with a playground for kids conveniently built right next to my bedroom. It was a Saturday and it wasn't uncommon to be woken up on such a day like this. Reaching for my phone I mentally noted the time as 10:29 am however I knew I would forget it in the next two seconds when I fall back asleep.

It was 32 minutes later when I had woken up again, I had felt more rested at this point with enough strength in my muscles to force myself out of bed. I slid off the sheets and landed on my bottom slightly disoriented. And gave myself a few moments to properly wake up. The high pitched cheerful noises the kids outside made combined with the paining static in my ears made each Saturday morning a morning I do not look forward to.

My phone vibrated off the bedside table and fell next to me beginning the day's routine technological enslavement. I picked up the phone to see almost 10 messages had been sent over the course of the night from my mother whom I hadn't spoken to in over 3 years since our argument. I turned off the device and placed it screen side down on the floor and got up to make way for my morning cup of coffee.

I put the coffee machine on and bent over the counter top. My head today felt more crowded and chaotic then ever: had my mum's insistence on trying to reach me finally got to me? or most probably, the past week's work load had been a tad bit too overpowering for me. I needed to take a break this weekend to not worry about other people's issues and focus on myself. The kettle began to boil as I was about to get lost in thought. That bubbling noise had a calming effect on my mind accompanied by that miniscule childish excitement towards the hot morning coffee trickling down my throat and warming up my entire body like a love filled hug from the inside. I poured it in my favorite mug is conveniently always in the drying rack and moved to the window side to watch the kids.

The home telephone rang. I pretended not to notice it at first in hopes that my mental will to not have to move from my current position would overpower the machines desire to continue to ring however my attempts over the years to do this has been met with failure. However that had not swayed my motivation. I finally gave in after the third or fourth ring and placed my coffee on the windowsill, dragging myself across the room to the telephone. I knew my mother and other family members did not have this landline so the journey to pick up the phone wasn't as annoying. Generally it was my bank or telephone company calling me to talk about their new "premium package" deals. I humbly tell them I am happy with my current plan and shut the phone a few moments after that. I don't think I have the power to match the professionally trained sales people and fear I might give into their cooperate schemes. So I eliminate the possibility by ending the call.

When I picked up the phone thinking it was a familiar number I was met with a female voice. At first I didn't recognize who it was as her words were very scattered and hard to understand noting that her hand on the phone was probably shaking as well during the call. Once she had calmed down the familiarity of my patient's parent found its way. It was Kate Jones. She had issues with her daughter's mental development from a young age and had tried numerous different child psychologists and eventually found me. Her daughter Liz, was five years old when I first met her.

"Sorry to bother you so early in the morning Dr. I wouldn't have called if it wasn't so urgent."

Her voice now calm yet still filled with fear and confusion. I must admit that there was some level of excitement within me for what could have been the reasoning of her call since most of the recent patients I have seen have been quite dull lately and the monotone routine had beginning to make me think about seeking psychological help for myself. However given my position it was best I kept these thoughts for later.

"Not to worry Mrs. Jones. Could you tell me what happened?"

My voice presumably reached the other end but there was a long pause of silence after my words. At first I waited, perhaps she was just trying to formulate the words in her mind from the shock she was in..? or maybe the line is scuffed?

"Mrs. Jon-"

"Yes... yes. So I was getting ready for bed last night and Liz was playing that toy you gave her. Y-you know that thing you advised her to use to help with making her smarter or something, yeah that one. And all seemed fine as I went to bed. I woke up around 4:30 am I think, and I could feel something was wrong but I didn't know what so I got out of bed and walked to Liz's room first to check on her and she was still playing with the toy. I was a bit confused, I thought she had gone to sleep as she normally does if you remember we discussed it last session that she adapted to our sleep schedules and had been going to be when we did. So, for her get the most sleep we would sleep at an earlier time."

"Yes I remember. It was quite and interesting habit of hers but I recall that there was nothing wrong with that...?"

"You're right Dr. but when I walked into her room to ask what was wrong she looked at me in such a way I took a step back. It was almost like her eyes were hollow. I-I don't know how to explain it but it didn't feel like she was looking at me. Then she got up from where she was playing with that thing and went to sleep almost like she was following orders from someone like a robot. I assumed that perhaps I was dreaming while this was happening or maybe sleep walking mixed with sleep paralysis...? I don't know but that's not the point! When I woke up at 10.29 am. I remember because I especially looked at the time because it felt like I got hit by a truck. And went to the kitchen, Liz was sitting there 'mechanically' eating her cereal that I think she put herself and she turned to look at me and her eyes were the exact same as last night. I- didn't know what to do....."

I took a deep breath. Perhaps I had jinxed the situation without exactly knowing the whole story by getting excited. I didn't know what to do.. I don't think my education and experience covered such weird cases.

"Mrs. Jones bring her to my office later today so we can evaluate the situation."