Reclaiming Sin

He’s coming!

The words kept echoing round and round in my head, increasing in speed and volume to become a cacophony of screams. My legs felt heavy, as if the weight of the world had suddenly increased and it became harder and harder to even take in small gasps of oxygen. My knees started to buckle and the sweat had started to build on my brow, hiding little of the effort it was taking me to move forwards.

Is this what true panic feels like?

Am I going to die?

Thoughts that I’d refused to acknowledge becoming more and more of a reality as the ground rushed up to meet me, only my outstretched arms breaking my fall. The cold dirt buried itself beneath my fingernails as I used the leverage to drag myself forward inch by inch.

Where is everyone?

Why’s it so quiet?

I’m cold.

Unsure as to whether I was dragging myself towards to danger or away from it, I kept going, ignoring the voices in my head. They’d morphed into something other than my own panicked thoughts in the time I’d been blindly escaping. Was I just losing the plot or was it something more?

All of a sudden there was a blinding light, an unrecognisable voice and a hand reaching out for me. I stretched my filthy hands towards it, hoping that whoever this was could save me.

And then I began to fall.

*

I sat bolt upright in bed, sweat soaking my sheets and breath coming in small gasps. The signs of a panic attack had begun and I frantically scanned the room for an unknown threat or saviour.

First, find five things that you can see.

Door. Window. Curtains. Floor. Bed.

Now find four things you can touch.

The sheets. The wall. My hair. The desk.

Three things you can hear.

My breathing. The sound of other people moving in the building.

Two things you can smell.

My freshly washed clothes. The stench of stale alcohol coming from the kitchen down the hall.

Finally, one thing you can taste.

The salt on my lips. Had I been crying? I touched my face and was surprised to feel the traces of recent tears.

It was just a bad dream. The stress of university has been getting to you.

I blew out a deep breath and looked around my small room, trying to steady my breathing even further and shake the feeling of wrongness that caused my skin to prickle. It was the same as all other university approved housing; standard room with single bed, desk and sink with a mirror. I could’ve chosen for the en-suite but it was more money and even less space. Besides, sharing a bathroom wasn’t that bad as long as everyone kept it in a decent state. My phone lit up as I leant to get my glass of water, hands still clammy and shaking. I glanced at it as I gulped down the water greedily, realising that it was only 6am and that I had a lecture at 9 that morning and hadn’t done the required reading. I sighed and allowed myself to slide out of the bed, assuming that I might as well get up and in the shower before my housemates decided that they would surface for the day.

After a quick shower I stretched out on the bed and attempted to make me way through the reading for my upcoming lecture. Why on earth did I chose to study history and theology? I’d already read the bible inside out and had an extensive knowledge of the history that was covered in the course. It probably didn’t help that the lecturer wasn’t my biggest fan due to the way that I couldn’t help correcting her when she was incorrect about an important historical event. Needless to say she was always extremely harsh on me and would mark me down or ask me to leave if I had chosen not to do the set reading for class. At least she was slightly better than my theology lecturer who would look down her nose at me and would scoff if I dared to open my mouth to discuss a different take on certain bible verses. Clearly she was my favourite ray of sunshine and I couldn’t wait to see what joyful verses she’d drone on about for 3 hours in a stuffy lecture hall.

*

“Come on Ava, we’ve got to get our costumes for tonight! You’re cutting into valuable drinking time.” Exclaimed my best friend Grace. At 5ft 7 she was long and willowy, with the slim figure to match. Her features were almost pixie like, with her soft face framed by light blonde hair and fair skin with a handful of freckles. It was safe to say that she was the complete opposite of me with my 5ft 4 height and curvy body with flame like auburn hair. She knew my full name was Aveira but she didn’t have the patience so had shortened it within about an hour of knowing me. We were strolling down to the local town to get costumes for our sports social that night. It was a tradition at my university for Wednesday nights to be to social night, with each team wearing a different fancy dress each week. There was always an eclectic mix of costumes, with rugby boys dressing as women on a regular basis and a combination of shop brought and home-made costumes.

It had become an unofficial tradition for Grace and me to get our costumes the day of the social. We always made a day out of it, sometimes getting a pub lunch with a few drinks, other times getting a bottle of wine and sitting on the cathedral grounds for a boozy picnic. With the weather being so nice, we had opted for a boozy picnic. She has needed to buy her whole FBI costume whereas I had only needed to get a toy gun to complete my look, so our shopping time was exceptionally quick. I’d barely thought about my nightmare, however throughout the day I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched. I had no proof of this, however it was like an illusion appearing at the corner of your eye, and when you turn directly to look at it there’s nothing there. I kept moving my head quickly, hoping that I’d be able to catch whatever it was. Unfortunately I had no luck, meaning that I was either going crazy or had one of those weird oculus migraines coming.

Winchester is always beautiful when the weather is nice, however it is always overrun with businessmen or tourists coming to view the cathedral. It was easy to see why they came to see it; huge stained glass windows and constant restoration to take it back to its former glory made the cathedral a must see when in Winchester. It was a tranquil place, and many could be seen entering through the doors for a guided tour, or just to sit and pray for some sort of forgiveness for whatever dark sins they were hiding. I had never stepped foot in the cathedral myself, only viewed it from the outside as there was something almost sacred about it and I felt awed just being in the grounds around it.

We sat there gossiping and drinking, watching the world go by as if we only had to worry about our assignments and what we were going to drink that night. I laid back on the soft grass, face turned towards to sun and wished that life could stay this easy forever. Suddenly it was as if the universe had laughed at my request as the temperature dropped and a huge cloud obscured the sun, dropping the temperature and causing groans to come from those sat in the shadow of the cathedral. I shivered and looked around, swigging my wine as I did so and caught the eye of a smartly dressed bald man that was sat on the bench. His eyes glimmered and he tipped his head at me; giving me an unsettled feeling in my stomach. I quickly looked away, hoping that it was a coincidence, only to meet the eyes of a woman that appeared to be talking on the phone but was making it very obvious that she was watching us with the same hungry expression as the man. My breath hitched in my throat and I fought to regain control over my own body as I glanced around as casually as I was able to, only to find a handful of people watching us but trying to make it seem as if they weren’t. Each of them as dressed smartly, as if they had just come from a board meeting, and each seemed to have an interest in the two students drinking on the grass.

“Hey, Gracie, let’s head back and start getting ready?” my voice betrayed me and shook slightly, even as I tried to smile and laugh at Grace as if it was no big deal.

“But I haven’t even finished my wine yet. We don’t normally leave until we’re at least a bit tipsy!” She protested, eyes already having the glassy sheen of someone on their way to being drunk.

“I’ll make you a deal. We’ll race back to campus and get my stuff. Whoever gets there first owes the other at least one drink and shot tonight?”

The challenge lit up in her eyes, and she was up and sprinting across the grass before I could even register that she’d accepted the challenge. Typical Grace, not one to back down when there’s free alcohol involved.

I sighed, picked up the bags that she’d forgotten in her haste and jogged after her, trying not to make eye contact with the people that I knew were watching me with even more interest.

*

I looked over at Grace asleep on her bed and smiled to myself. Her sleeping form shifted slightly and she mumbled under her breath, face scrunching slightly. I sighed and stroked her hair, whispering that it was ok and that I was here. Her face smoothed out into one of peaceful sleep and she rolled over, breathing contentedly.

Typical of her to have had too much to drink and for me to have to be the hero that puts her to bed.

At least it meant that I didn’t have to put up with my housemates for the night as I’d be staying here with Grace. Being friends with her definitely had its perks when it came to getting some peace and quiet. She lived in a private single bedroom flat that overlooked the university, which I guess was standard practice when your parent is the chancellor of the place.

Padding across the lush carpet to the kitchen I couldn’t help but reflect on the night. The bouncers were not the usual ones that we’d made friends with and seemed to be watching people very intently. There appeared to be more students than ever in the club and I couldn’t help but wonder if the university even had that many sports teams. One team in particular stood out to me as they were all dressed as if attending a masquerade. They didn’t act like normal drunk students and instead seemed to be avoiding contact with other people and lurking in dark corners, their eyes reflecting the light in an almost cat-like manner beneath their masks. It made me think about the businessmen in the cathedral grounds and the hungry look in their eyes.

It’s just a coincidence. Stop thinking too much into it.

I shook my head and poured a glass of water, shaking my head at myself for being so stupid. All of a sudden there was a faint knock on the door, so light that I could have imagined it. My heart started thudding against my rib cage, trying to escape its fragile cage, and I grabbed the biggest knife I could find from the chopping block, holding it in front of me as if it would come to life and protect me of its own accord. I tried to be as quiet as possible as I crept towards the front door.

I definitely remember locking it when I came in.

But what if you didn’t?

I always lock it.

What if they’ve picked the lock?

My internal war carried on throughout my inspection of the flat, hoping that Grace would remain in her peaceful sleep. Once I was certain that there was no one hidden in any nook or cranny I decided to face the front door and to source of the knock.

As I got closer there was what looked like an invitation on the floor by the shoe rack. My whole body started violently shaking as I would’ve noticed that being there when we first walked in. Taking deep breaths I slowly reached down and picked up the expensive looking paper.

As I opened the invitation, my heart sunk. On it was words I’d been dreading for the past three years;

Your father would like to see you.

I looked over at Grace’s sleeping form, crumpling the expensive paper in my hand. Why did he have to do this now? I was finally happy. I pulled on my costume from that night which consisted of a pair of black shorts, black vest top and leather jacket with black converse on my feet.

I’m sorry Gracie. See you soon.

With a sad smile I walked out on to the balcony and took one last look over Winchester city. Sitting on the edge it was almost as if I could see for miles and that those lights would always be home to me. Glancing back at my best friend, I allowed a small sob to escape my lips.

Goodbyes are so hard.

I took a deep breath.

One.

In.

Out.

Two.

In.

Out.

Three.

I exhaled slowly and let myself fall off the edge.