AJDay

Saint Louis

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Interesting Read; waiting for more!

Hello JaimePAvane,

So, this is my first review on this site, and I am glad I found your story. I like where you are going with it and I am curious to see what future chapters look like.

Firstly, your narrator; I love that she is describing not just her life but the world around her. Obviously a world that we don't know yet and a world that you are setting up for us. Adriel reminds me of a grandmother explaining her life to her kids (not going to lie I imagined Judi Dench telling me the story in my head). I have to say my favorite line from her is when she is questioning her parents about what they hate; I thought it was a great interlude into a future with Robots. Your story makes me want to know more about her life, the good and the bad, and where we ended up.

I feel like with these chapters, I am getting a larger sense of the world that you are creating. I am however a bigger lover of dialogue between characters. The style at which you are writing your story, I know, does not necessarily call for that. But I would be incredibly interested in hearing a conversation between Adriel (the digital Adriel) and another character. This is completely subjective though.

Lastly, the prologue had a few funky sentences. After that I did not see any issue grammatically. So, maybe just give it another read through. I know sometimes when I say it in my head it makes perfect sense but then when I read it out loud I wonder how I can form sentences at all. Reading out loud definitely helps me.

My final note, I really think that you have a lot of room to not only develop the character of your narrator but also to really enhance this future world with a lot of depth. I always try to think long term; have my final goal, and then shrink it down to the short term.

It was a great read! I'm gonna put this on my reading list for when you publish more chapters.

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