Bella Ainthe

@Bellaainthe

New writer! I will follow anyone back and try to read at least one of your stories! I appreciate any follows and feedback. Please be kind, but honest.

LukeMoore

2 months ago

Some thoughts on Hearts in a Jar. Sustaining a novel-length story is a tricky start on Inkitt.
I suggest you write a few short stories; 1000-2000 words with strong female lead characters in a heated erotic situation, like Chapter Two.
In Chapter Two, your sexual intensity is good. The location is great: night, a tree scratching against her back. You don’t make enough of the tree. Use it a bit more. Your dialogue is punchy and raunchy. It actually hits well; it would hit the mark better uncluttered by the longer narrative elements you are trying to introduce around it currently. If this were in a short story where the focus hits that the sex is hot yet penetration doesn’t make her orgasm. Often there isn’t enough writing here on Inkitt about flat or disappointing sex, at least as part of a story. [ Every ones cum together on Inkitt-yeah, yeah] The Happy Birthday at the end is/ would be a great delayed note.
So, a short story, POV: Ruby.
Have Ruby under a tree; be specific about the species; describe it: smell, texture, season. Her initials and X’s from last year. Yet she is meeting Drake.
Drake is late. Ruby checks her nails, earring, something.
Drake arrives, quick from the shadows, straight to, “Damn, Ruby, you're hot.” [ Drop the money/blood stuff] Get Ruby pushed against the tree.
Focus on your coupling scene; it's hot.
Tease out her disappointment at not having an orgasm.
End it on the Happy Birthday part.
Don’t overcomplicate the scene. [ https://www.inkitt.com/stories/1874919 Sensual Slick shows how I approach erotica with thought. https://www.inkitt.com/stories/1448568 Sensual Bytes how I approach erotica with a naughty explicit edge.] I'm offering advice because your segment in chapter two is very promising hot writing. Take or leave my suggestion, its your choice. Above all enjoy your writing.

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