Fun, but still raw
The stream of consciousness style of the writing creates a fairly decent plot and storyline. However, the focus on creating the story clearly took priority over reviewing for spelling and grammar. A quick pass through with the grammar check in MS word, Google docs, Grammarly or a number of the other self edit tools would assist to refine this raw version. Also, on a personal note, there seems to be an excessive use of swearing for the sake of swearing. I'm not a prude, I swear like a sailor myself, however, I'm not sure the majority of the uses indicate a lift in the story's value. Swear for passion's sake and emphasizing emotion or drama, not to simply exercise your ability to use bad words. Overall this has the potential to be a pretty solid piece of writing. Spend the time to go through it and clean it up and you are well on your way to a good story.
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