Cynthia Monica

Ketterdam

I'm a Mystery and Fantasy writer with a guilty pleasure for Romance. Click 'Support Me' for exclusive content and the edited versions of the titles with "(Editing)" behind them!

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Just.... Wow

I am totally in love with the setting of this story. I love the way it's written, how you really feel like one of the people in the crowd, staring up at the three men who stood there with such power. I'm also already in love with Demeter, his heart is in the right place, I have no doubts about that. I don't like Odium tho, just saying. He seemed to have a stick up his ass the entire time. I really like how you've made these characters and how you showed so much of them in such a interesting way, and that in the first chapter! Amazing.

I've only noticed a few errors that a quick read through could easily fix, nothing too mayor that disturbed my reading experience ;) also, don't be afraid to use 'said' often. It might seem like a word that can easily be overwelmingly used, but this is an exception. Using 'said' or 'say' when someone speaks is obvious, and most of the time I personally (and I think others do too) read over it but it's not like I'm annoyed by the overuse. This way, when something is, for example; yelled, whispered, mumbled, etc. it has a bigger impact on the story, and can be used to give a cleared image of what a character is feeling while saying certain lines. I hope it's clear what I'm trying to say... I'm so bad at explaining sometimes. it all made sense in my head...

Overall I love the beginning of this story. I can already see it has great potential and a definite chance of success. You have all the elements to pull the reader in already set out in the first chapter, I can't imagen how great the second chapter could be, or the next, or the one after that. This story has so much potential, so much room to grow into an epic fantasy novel. Just the way that it is written, the way the story flows, the way the scene is described, how can you not fall in love with a story like this at first sight?

Keep writing, keep being amazing! Good luck on this journey!

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Really amazing!

So I just finished this story and I have to say I'm amazed. I really like the story, it's really good. I like the characters and that it doesn't have only a black and white view of point. like the queen, she wasn't all evil, even if she may appear that way. she loves her own children and raised them with love. it doesn't excuse her terrible behavior towards Deanna but I like how there is a different side to her even it is a bit hard to see at times. I also really liked how it showed how strong fear could be. How anyone, even the sweetest soul, could sometimes do horrible things just out of fear. But also how a kind hard can see through corruption and can stand strong even when faced with pain.

Aeon was also pretty interesting. It was fun to read their relationship develop and how well they got along with somewhat of this blind trust. Aeon was really charming and Max wasn't too bad either, I really liked them both. (Poor Max tho)

One thing I noticed was that (mostly in the beginning) some scenes were written a bit too fast. at points I got a bit confused as one scene suddenly turned into another without a clear break between them. other than that there weren't many things that caught my attention that I disliked. not even the small mistakes that a quick read through could fix were very noticeable.

I LOVE the way you describe the surroundings! At time I could really feel like I was standing right next to the characters. I really have to applause you on that, it was very well executed and it really added to the story. So, most importantly, I really liked this short story and hope that perhaps one day a sequel will be released. the characters are very interesting and certainly worth your time. I'm also very curious to what else this author has written as I see a lot of potential for a great story teller.

All in all, lovely short story for those who love a soft burning romance with a twist of angst and the slightest bit of mystery ;)

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Really enjoyed the concept, twists, turns and all of that good stuff!

So this took me forever to review, and I apologize for that. Ya know how life can get in the way. Anyways, I was intrigued by this story because of the interesting plot and turns that it offered. It was a different idea that reminded me of the fanfic AU's I used to read and enjoy the most. It brought back a bit of nostalgia and I really enjoyed that about the story. Just to be clear, when I say it's like the fanfics I used to read I mean it as a good thing! A lot of fanfics I read were the perfect base for an original story and simply had my favorite characters in them instead. What I'm trying to say is that you reminded me of those stories, the one with a perfect base, and ended up making your own of it and that's what I really like about it! What I'm basically saying is that I really enjoyed the story.

There were a few things I would like to touch on, however. It's nothing too big, just the little things that I've noticed and think you could improve on. Currently, you have sections of your chapter set up in a certain way. It is either a long lap of description and thoughts or action in the form of dialogue (roughly said). The long paragraphs of description I would advise to break up into multiple paragraphs. The reason to break up into a new paragraph is when:

When someone new starts to speak (You already know this)
When talking about a new topic
When you skip to a new time
When you skip to a new place
When you want to create a dramatic effect

Try keeping these in mind while writing your descriptive paragraphs. Also, try mixing descriptions more with dialogue. What you have going on now is like I mentioned two sections of the chapters. If you combine the two a little more it will flow more naturally and you'll start to see how much better the scene will come to life. I did notice how that got better as chapters went on, but it was still too separate from one another in my opinion. Though I think once you get the proper paragraph breaks in there it will help a lot.

What I noticed as well is that your writing style is still quite simple. Although there is nothing wrong with that and it will improve over time, I might have some tips for you that could help you out. First off, read a lot of published work, and when you do keep a close eye on how it is written as much as what you are reading. Once you start taking a closer look at the way things are written you'll get a better understanding of how to write it yourself. You'll notice how different each author writes and how certain stories flow and why. Read as much as you can and take note of each style. Eventually, you'll find your own.

Second tip I got for you is to change up your sentences. A lot of your sentences are inside the mind of the characters, and although we get a pretty clear picture of who these characters are, we know little of the world around them. So whenever we do get a glimpse it feels like a simple thing, something that just brushes by. Try to give more time to the world around them and less to the characters' constant thoughts. It feels as if the whole story is narrated like the beginning of a movie, which can break the reader from complete immersion. A lot of it also comes across as spelled out, which isn't too bad, but try to find a balance between making things clear and knowing the reader can figure this out for themselves.

I hope you understand what I'm getting at here, I tried to explain it as best as I could.

As for the story itself, there were some things that I thought could be played out better to make it more realistic. I get that you had a certain story you wanted to write, a certain idea that played out a certain way and certain things had to happen to make it work. Basically, plot and plot points. Nothing wrong with that. Though, you got to keep things believable, even in sci-fi. The most obvious example I can give you is in the beginning when Winter is tasked to tend to Hayden. It makes absolutely no sense, which you even point out yourself in the story, though I believe if a few things are changed up a bit it would make perfect sense. You've already established that they have a shortage of caretakers because he scares everyone away. From there you got so many options. Have this explained to Winter, have someone accompany her at least the first time, have the whole system explained for that floor. I personally think that would make the story easier to believe and more immersive. Certain things need to happen, I know that, but take your time working up to them to make the story as realistic as possible.

Those were the most noticeable things. You got something good going and I encourage you to keep up the writing. You got the determination needed to finish a story and the creativity to fill it. Keep up the good work, I know you will do amazing!

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Overall an Amazing Story!

This story is simply said amazing. The characters are very thought through and fleshed out very well, the story is suspenseful, captivating and very professionally written. One can clearly see that much thought and passion has gone into this story, a story definitely worth publishing. I really enjoyed reading this, even if it took me forever cause I'm such a slow reader (sorry).

I love how the story starts off slow. We get to know the characters very well and sorta start in a different kind of story before getting into the deeper stuff. Kinda like the calm before the storm. During this slow and steady beginning, we get a clear picture of what everyone's relationship with one another is and how this all came to be. I really enjoyed that, and the flashbacks to when they were young, how they discovered things together and how they support each other were just heartwarming to read.

A few other things I'd like to mention, though. For one I felt like a lot of the story was told. Now, there were a lot of beautiful and very well done descriptions, but still, for some parts, I felt like I was reading a bit of an info dump. What I mean by this, is that when we read the flashback, yes, of course it is more told than shown since it speeds a bit through moments, and I'm completely fine with that. It was the parts in the present that felt a little too rushed or plain. It was like the present was written exactly like the flashbacks, but because the present didn't move as fast a lot of scenes felt rushed.

An example of this that I come across at times when a story feels more told than shown is when a lot of dialogue is literally told. What I mean with this is that instead of the '"He was so handsome," she said' it is told to us as 'She told her friend he was handsome." this is of course allowed, like when a lot of information is repeated to a new character, but I came across these kinds of sentences a lot in this story. And again, in the flashback, it wasn't as bothersome since most of it has to be told in order to get the story moving along, but at the moments in the present when their conversation and smallest reactions to each other drive the story it could be a bit frustrating. It was just something I noticed and personally don't like as much. In my opinion, it disturbs the flow in a way, pulling me just a little too much from the story rather than sucking me into the conversation.

Other than that, I truly enjoyed the story. Again, I loved the slow suspenseful pace it had and the nostalgic feel. All of it was brilliantly done and of every detail is thought and carefully placed into a perfect position to complement the story and keep it going. The plot overall is just genius and very well executed. Twists and turns that keep you guessing. Anyone who knows me well knows how much I love a good mystery that keeps me guessing.

Can't say more than I love this story and I wish you the best of luck with it! Keep writing for sure, you got a real talent for it! :)

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I'll be Damned

This story really is something else. It starts out in the middle of action and you're sucked right into the battle between these aliens and the humans. I found it surprising and interesting how this story was written. I usually don't read much of this genre but was still very much intrigued with this story. It's very well written and although a bit out of my comfort zone very enjoyable. I do still have a few questions when it comes to the plot, but that is simply because the story is only a few chapters in.

One thing that bothered me was that some dialogue was written in full caps. This was done when a person or puwandese was shouting. Using all caps is rather distracting since it disturbs the flow of the story. I would advise you to use only exclamation marks to make clear the person is shouting.

Also, I noticed that there were switches made from first the human ship, then the alien ship, and then back to the human ship. I found this a bit confusing as there wasn't a clear break between text that implied a change in settings. Perhaps you could think about adding these since it would make the switch clearer and better to follow.

Other than that the story is really a great one and deserves loads of love. I really like how the puwandese had their own way of talking which was still somewhat English and therefore could be followed even when written strangely. It is a very good use of the fact that our brains tries to match existing words to what seems hard to read. Even if the text was written in numbers one would still be able to read it because our brains are smart enough the connect these two things. sure, it takes a little more time but it's no rocket science. I thought that was very clever and well thought of.

So, overall, I really like this story. Even if it is not something I would usually read I enjoyed the few chapters I read. It's a promising concept which much potential. Although the story isn't all that clear to me, I'm curious to see what will become of the Captain and her crew. Keep up the good work!

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Unique Concept

I really liked the concept of the story, the blurb had me hooked and interested in where this story would go. Story wise it has a lot of potential and can certainly turn into a very unique novel if written with much passion, which I do believe the author has.

There were some issues that I came across that made me lose the interest soon on. Please take this as constructive criticism as I truly want to help you improve. The way it was written was rushed, there were some tense switches throughout the chapter (which I am also guilty of by mistake sometimes, it's a tricky thing) and I had serious issues with the lack of description.

Lack of description and having the feeling of a story being rushed can go together, so let's start with that. There were many one sentence actions. It was like reading, "then this happened, then that, now this, now that..." which doesn't read comfortably. This can be helped if more description is added and actual emotion is added to the scenes. The first chapter starts with Grace waking up, how do we know? Because we are told this. What we aren't told (or rather, shown) is where Grace's parents are in this scene. We see them talk, but where are their voices coming from? are they already downstairs? are they in her room? there is no way we can know unless we are told/shown.

Example:
"Happy Birthday sweetheart!!" "Thank Mom!" "Your dad and I got you something...."

What I (personally) would have written:
"Happy Birthday, sweetheart," my mom said gently as she sat down next to me on my bed, her weight causing the mattress to sink.

Sleepily, I rubbed by eyes, blinking at her with a soft smile. "Thanks Mom."

Mom patted my shoulder. "Your dad and I got something for you." She winked, standing again with an excited look in her eyes, the barely visible wrinkles around her eyes deepening as she smiled.

The smallest amount of description can help with getting the feeling of the scene across, the feeling of the characters, a bit about their surroundings, an idea of their relationships and their person in general. Things can very easily feel unrelatable when there isn't much to relate to, which can lead to losing interest. The feeling I got from what you wrote was that Grace was wide awake and very excited, while a few sentences later it says she just woke up. I don't believe anyone is that excited if they were just woken up by their parents, but I could be wrong?

Then with the tenses, once you start writing a story you have to be clear if you want to use past or present. If you switch throughout the story it can be distracting and lose the readers mid-sentence. I know it is hard and I still struggle with it if I don't pay attention to what I write. But the best way is to set for yourself the tense, then once the chapter or parts you've written is done you go over it to check whether you've made any tense mistakes.

I think that's all I have to say. I wish you the best of luck with writing. Being a perfect writer doesn't come naturally, you have to practice and learn. I've been writing for almost 3 years now and I am still improving every day. As long as you have patience and practice a lot, ask feedback and try your best you will get there eventually. I can see you really want to improve as you already improved the prologue once you got some feedback on it, which is very good.

I hope I helped you with this on your journey to better your skill. Again, I wish you the best of luck. You certainly have the imagination to come up with the right kind of stories, so don't worry about that. If my first story was as creative and unique as this one I would have been just as excited as you seem to be to write it. Keep on writing, never give up and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are a special gem, be strong and shine your light brightly. You're worth to be seen.

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Extraordinary

I really love the slow pace of this story and the story line in general. Most stories rush through the beginning and get to the romance part as that is the part they are most excited to write. There is nothing wrong with that, it's just nice to see a story that takes it's time to get to know the main character, to understand her and her troubles and really feel what she is going through. It gives the story so much more depth.

The writing and description is also perfect. You really get the feeling as if you're looking through her eyes. You feel her pain, see her struggles, and most importantly, you can admire her strength. The story has only two chapters, yet you're hooked at the first paragraph. This story is so well written it comes to life before your eyes. Not a single moment can be considered dull.

Overall, this story has great potential and I cant wait to see where the author is going to take it. So yes, I highly recommend this story to anyone who loves not only romance but also deep going characters and a story that is more than just the boy and girl falling in love.

And to the author, keep it up, you're amazing!

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Very Interesting, definitely worth it

I really like this, the story is very original and has loads of mystery which I am a big fan of. I don't believe I've ever come across a story like this, and it's really interesting and makes me curious to read on.

There is only one thing that bothers me a bit while reading. The chapters are quite long and the switch from one scene to the other is sometimes confusing. There is enough content to be put into multiple chapters and enough scenes. It could be just me but I'd rather read chapters that are around 2k - 3k words, this is because I am not a fast reader and if I come across a story with very long chapters I'd rather not read it (though the blurb got me hooked to this one and I couldn't refuse) as halfway through the first chapter it might have lost the intensity, if that makes sense?

Part of the point of having chapters is to end it with perhaps a cliffhanger (which you did, very well done I must say) or an intense end that makes you eager to read on and not being able to wait for the next chapter. Halfway through the first chapter I had noticed points where this could have been done, and if this were the case, the step to the next scene/situation may not have been as confusing. Achilles could have easily been introduced in chapter 2 or even 3 as I had the idea the first chapter was mainly to introduce Victoria and her powers and her relationships. But that is just my personal opinion.

Overall, I really like the story and where it is going, it's definitely worth a shot if you're looking for something mysterious and new. The story is really thought through and I can tell the author has put a lot of time into this story so far and I applause them for it as the details are what differs one story from the other.

So, keep up the good work, I'm looking forward to seeing more!

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The Reality of Augustine

This story was quite the ride, to say the least. When it first popped up I was intrigued and curious was Hermyne had come up with, so I decided to follow it from start to finish. And from start to finish I will give my honest opinion on the story.

So when I first read it Ari had cancer instead of a heart condition. I personally think that changing that up was a good idea since cancer is a more sensitive topic to write about and could leave a negative effect on people if not done right. Although the heart condition wasn’t portrayed that accurately (I will touch on this later) I still believe it was a good call to change it up.

As we go on, being used to some of our author’s writing, I thought the first few chapters were written quite well. I don’t remember much of the prologue but I recall that it brought the message across and had a hilarious sex scene. From the start, I knew I was going to like August.

I have to say though, I really dislike Sophia’s character. She’s very manipulative, impatient, her character is inconsistent and she has quite a few narcissistic moments. Now, let me explain why that is. Throughout the story, we follow her (most of it at least) and her line of thought. What I more often than not saw was that a lot got spelled out for us. When there was a sad moment it went on and on how Sophia felt heartbroken and sad and how she couldn’t handle it when others were in pain one way of the other. This is not quite how first-person description works, not unless you want the main character to come across as self-observed. While writing an emotional scene, which of course can hit your character hard, you also have to consider your other character’s feelings.

Now for my explanation why Soph is manipulative. For one, Soph is always right, and I hate that. When she told August she loved him and he didn’t return it immediately because of his trauma, she was WRONG to tell him. August had done nothing wrong, but we’ll get to that later. The fact that Soph forced her feelings onto him and then guilt-trip him into returning them is not healthy. Though, the best example I can give of Soph’s manipulative behavior is the beach scene.

August obviously didn’t want to talk, and again she guilt-tripped him into it. It is not cute. It is not quirky. It is a shit move to do. Someone has their reservations for a reason, and you can’t force them to tell you anything if they don’t want to. They should tell you naturally on their own terms. It shows how inconsiderate Sophia really is despite everyone saying (again, telling the reader this instead of showing it through her actions) that she is so kind and sweet. She is impatient and does what she wants and if someone doesn’t comply she makes them do it and let them feel guilty about it too. I really disliked that about Sophia, and I hated how this was romanticized in the story. How it was cute and quirky of her to do when really it is anything but.

As for the part where Soph tells August she loves him, it just isn't how most people with trauma behave. August is said to be distant and has a wall because of what happened in the past, which is very understandable and was quite well build and established. He has told Sophia that he can’t love her like she wants him too, not in his current state, and she knew this very well.

What usually happens is that people take their time with people who they know of have such a trauma. Sophia knew August was shut off, and she still told him she loved him. Should he have said it back? No. Because that wasn’t August’s character. Was Sophia right to act the way she did? In a sense, yes, but she was still wrong to have done so and should have been the one to apologize. Trauma goes deeper than that. It isn’t just gone the moment someone yells at you that you’re a loser. Sophia should have calmed down, collected her thoughts and pushed through the pain to understand in what position August must have been in. As was said throughout the story, he has lost so much already, it is only natural he doesn’t want to get attached to someone he might lose as well. Sophia should have realized this, gone back to him and apologized for her childish behavior. She should have been patient with him and slowly show why he could trust her with his heart while working through his trauma together. He shouldn’t have to be forced into loving her. It was after this that I also started to dislike August, mostly because of it.

While writing a scene that should convey sadness or express the love a character feels for another it is one thing to write out “God, I love them so damn much” every other paragraph and another to put in subtle hints that that is indeed the case.

With sadness, it’s a little more difficult. Telling your readers how everyone has tears in their eyes and how that breaks her heart isn’t per see going to get the feeling across. Show me, as they say. Show me the little things. Show me that August’s hair was wet and greasy with sweat as he continued to rub his eyes before combing his fingers through his hair. How slowly but surely Romeo’s fingers turned red as he couldn’t keep them still, tapping them against either the armchair rest or tugging at the skin around his nails. Show me how Sonya held her arms around herself, how her gaze darted around the room before falling back to her lap as her grip around herself tightened. She is a mother, and all she wants is to hold the children she cares about close.

It are the little things, the ones that you usually don’t notice that hit the hardest. Everyone cries, there is nothing special about that, it is the way that they do it that makes it real. It also shows that the main character truly cares, otherwise she wouldn’t have noticed these little things. And because she cares enough to notice it wouldn’t be needed to add “it broke my heart” at the end of such a description, because of course it is heartbreaking, the reader should be able to tell that from the description alone, not have it needed spelled out for them.

As for Ari and her heart condition. It is just quite a bit off. A friend of mine is studying to become a doctor and I asked him about certain facts regarding the condition and it just didn’t quite add up most of the time. From the start of the story, it was all quite inconsistent. I had a feeling our author didn’t quite know what the condition was at the time while writing it and only later when it was truly necessary for the plot to set a fixed diagnosis. This isn’t too big of a deal for a first draft situation, I just felt the need to point it out as it does make the story less realistic and since it is posted online you might want to consider writing and researching certain facts about it a bit more before you start to incorporate it into a story. I myself am also a first draft poster so I can understand how certain things might change as you continue writing your story. Just take your time with researching diseased and conditions since it could offend or give false information to readers who might take it too seriously.

When it comes to Timothy’s arc . . . I just have to say that it was flimsy and really not how one should handle a drug addict. None of it was accurate and Sophia was in no way a good friend to Tim, considering she forgot completely about him for most of the story. I truly believe he wasn’t needed in this story. It made Sophia only look more shallow and felt like a weak sub-plot intended for drama alone. I think personally that giving Tim his own story and removing him from this one would be best if you truly want a story about him. He was not necessary and the way it was handled was anything but right. Again, this is a sensitive topic that should be written with care, so using it as a sub-plot somewhere for drama makes the story cheap.

Besides Timothy, most of the supporting cast didn’t feel real at all and very stereotypical. It felt like they were only there to once again add drama and tell Soph and August how good they looked together. Again, it is forcing an opinion on the reader and more telling than showing.

Can I also say that August going after Sophia was a true dick move? His little sister lay dying in the hospital but of course his love life was more important. I truly hated August at this point, I have to be honest. He was unsure if she would make it, and instead of spending every moment he could with her to keep her calm and just be the supporting brother everyone tells the reader he was, he instead went after the girl who cheated on him because she believed it to be “the only way to stop Tim from suicide”. It once again goes against what we as readers are supposed to think he is and how he truly acts. These inconsistencies make for flat and unrelatable characters.

Overall, this story needs a lot more work. These are the things I found the most important to touch on. I hope this was helpful and I hope you don’t take it negatively but as constructive criticism. I truly wish to help you, and if you ever wish to traditionally publish or self-publish a book, I think it would be best if these points were addressed. Let me know if you ever need any help and I wish you luck on your journey! :)

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Enjoyable Read

I have to admit, I'm not a big fan of werewolf stories, but I was curious what the hype was about and I was curious enough to give it a chance. Seeing as this author is one of the most popular out there I thought there must be a reason for that and so started reading one of their stories.

I wasn't disappointed.

When I started reading I was intrigued by the characters and the set-up. The author managed to convey the characters perfectly, showing their weaknesses and strengths, making them a real person you can believe actually exists somewhere in this world. The characters are well crafted and interesting to follow, which really is something considering how easy it is to just use a typical character to get your story across. Adding those little ticks, like how Alex can't keep her fingers still, was a nice touch as well.

However, I did also come across some things that kept me from fully emerging into the story. The story is written in third-person, which was a good choice considering the number of characters and the different views the author wanted to show. Though, and I've come across this by many authors writing in third-person, it is often forgotten that it still has to be written from one pov.

Third-person is a perfect way of showing more of the world and pov switches but in the way that it is used in this story, it seems more of an easy way to tell it. Even in third-person, we can only know one person's thoughts at a time (unless they are a mindreader, but that is not the case here). Having to keep up with everyone's thoughts all at once is confusing and kept me personally from fully emerging into the story. While Alex is out MC, I often felt distanced from her. Things she shouldn't be able to know are just thrown in there as if it was obvious, making it, for one, less suspenseful and intense. The reader isn't left guessing and unknowing like the MC, making it difficult to connect after chapter 5. There is a difference in telling a secret that the MC doesn't know and see her slowly come to the realization and adding in every small detail that she wouldn't know but are still presented to the audience instead of having them figure it out along with the MC.

POV changed are allowed of course, but usually, they are after a paragraph break or at the start of a new chapter. (personally, I prefer at the start of a new chapter, it gives the reader some time to shift into the mindset before continuing, keeping them in the story without much effort on their part.) As might can tell I am all for suspense, and suspense is creating by secrets. I personally think your audience would grow even bigger if you kept a little more from them.

For example, in chapter 5 Sean is badly hurt, but despite that, he is attracted to Alex's scent to the point he needs to know more about it. While immediately revealing that it is because they are mates, I personally think this would be a better scene of we only got to see what Alex thought of the situation. A normal human girl, only coming to know about werewolf not too long ago, is suddenly thrown in the mids, and as she is helping one of them he keeps reaching for her, growling and screaming things she doesn't understand. That is terrifying. Yet, I didn't feel scared for her because of everything else that was explaining away the situation, making it more normal than it should be for Alex. This is what I mean by feeling distanced from her at times. She doesn't know these things, and because we do, because we know the facts, we completely can't sympathize with her and we don't look up when she isn't as frightened as she should be. If we knew as much as her, we could of course speculate what will happen or what the reason was, but the facts, the real reason, is as much a mystery until confirmed. To me, that adds just a bit more suspense, just a bit more mystery, and intrigues me enough to continue to the next chapter.

As for another point I wanted to touch on, although the author is very talented at describing characters, as mentioned before, I also noticed the lack of description of the surroundings. I completely understand how difficult it is to describe the surroundings, I myself struggle with it as well, and as someone who writes fantasy, I know both the struggle but also the importance of surrounding description.

What I've noticed is that you focus a lot on the characters. What are they doing? what are they feeling? what is happening with them? And although that is good, you have to also consider everything around the characters. Since you chose for third-person you made it easy on yourself, allowing yourself to write about the surroundings beyond the MC's view. Try taking advantage of that, overdo it even at first, find your balance between character and surroundings. Because of the lack of this form of description scenes are easily rushed over and don't carry the impact of weight that you intend.

In chapter 4, when Sean dives into the water only to be hit by something sharp, I was at a loss about what exactly was happening. It all happened so fast and it was described with no focus on anything. Where was the wound? What had hit him? What even happened? I felt as though it was written just because it had to happen, not to invoke any reaction from anyone. And for that reason, I think it could easily have been cut from the story. Where is the mystery if it is just glossed over even if given an explanation?

At the beginning, I was thrilled at the promise of discovering what went on in a pack like that, yet only after a few chapters I already knew too much to fully understand the MC anymore.

However, I can understand how so many people can enjoy your stories. They are easy to read and enjoy (and hot guys, who doesn't enjoy those?) I myself have a guilty pleasure for innuendoes, so I thoroughly enjoyed those far more than I probably should. The characters are likable, and although I miss the mystery that it could have, the plot is enjoyable as well.

These were my thoughts on this story so far. What you plan to do with it is up to you since it is your story, but I hope you take some of it into consideration if you want to better your writing :) Anyways, I can't wait for September to come with the new chapters.

Keep it up and good luck in your writing journey :D

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My Perfect Idiot

To be fair, I was warned beforehand that this story would be cliché, and because it is meant to be a cliché romance I'll let some things slide. I like the idea of the story, and like I said before, the cover. a good cover is really important. I see what you wanted to achieve with the main character, a girl who isn't weak and won't back down, and that is something I appreciate in any kind of novel.

Though cliché, I got a few problems with this story. This could be just something personal for me, but I'd still like to share my opinion on certain things. As I said, I really like the idea of the strong female protagonist, but I feel like you went a little overboard with it. Rather than coming across as strong, sassy and her own person, Rachel comes across as pretentious, full of herself and arrogant.

Believe me, no one cares if there is a new girl. Not even in a rich kid school. There might be a few people who look up on the first day, but that's it. No one cares that much, no matter what high-school-based books or movies tell you. Because this is so over-exaggerated in the story it comes across as if Rachel is thinking higher of herself then she is. This might not be the case if the story was in third person, but since it is in first person we see everything from her perspective, meaning that if she constantly comments on how people are looking at her, it means she is constantly paying attention to the people around her to see what they think or what they do.

The few parts that were meant to show that she is humble despite being brought up in a rich family is what makes her come across pretentious. She can't be coming across one way through her thoughts and actions and then throw in a line like 'but really I'm not anything like that' to make her relatable. She either is one way or another. Of course, you can have a girl with a tough exterior and a softer, insecure inside, but you gotta write it like that. Her thoughts are the most important part of her character. If she is only talking about how other people do this or other people do that, how can we truly get to know her? It also makes her pretty judgemental.

I get what you're trying to do, but this isn't how it's done. Maybe some people will think otherwise, the ones who enjoy these kinds of characters, but if you want to attract a more serious audience then considering fleshing out your characters a bit more is a good start. Characters drive the story, and if I'm already annoyed by the main character in the first chapter I'm not going to enjoy the book.

You wanted to know what I thought of the characters and if I felt a connection with any, and if I'm being truly honest, I felt a connection with none. They felt typical to me, and especially how Rachel described them kept me distant.

I also had a hard time getting into the story in general. I couldn't see the drive that the story was meant to have. There was no clear plot or conflict for a bigger part of the beginning that kept me turning the page. Keeping your readers invested means that every chapter should end with something that makes them turn the page, and that is what I missed. Especially at the beginning where it is essential to hook the reader.

Try asking yourself:

Why should my readers care about these characters?

Why should they care about what is happening?

Even in cliché, there has to be something interesting that keeps the reader, well, reading. I'm not sure if you have written/read fanfiction before, but that is what this story felt like to me. That isn't necessarily bad, but you got to consider that fanfiction is based off a plot/loved characters. The reason someone would want to read fanfiction, even if nothing really happens, is because they want to see more of the characters they have already fallen in love with. In this case, we don't know the characters, and if we are given no clear reason on why we should fall in love with them then interest will waver rather fast.

I really don't mean to discourage you with this review. I just hope that my insight and my 4 years of writing experience can help you better your own. You're on the right path when it comes to writing a story. You gotta start, and you gotta put yourself out there. You have to have the determination to write a story from beginning till the end, and I can see you have that. That is more than many authors have these days, so I have no doubt that you'll make it if you truly wish to.

All I've said in this review is simply my opinion and what I've learned to work better. Whether you do anything with it is your choice, but I hope you at least keep it in mind while writing more. Not in a way that discourages you to write, but perhaps some sort of guideline. Something that will help you look more critically at your own writing and help you produce the best you can.

Anyways, I wish you the best of luck in your writing journey. You got the will and determination that a writer needs to get better and become one of the best, don't forget that. Keep on writing and don't let anyone keep you from creating what you love. :)

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Mysteriously Amazing Story

I really enjoyed reading this story, and although it wasn't on my reviewing list I felt like I had to leave a review either way. As a big fan of mystery and romance, this was an absolute delight to read. I truly enjoyed reading this story and that little creepiness that was added in between the mystery. Just a bit more unsettling than you would expect. Really, a great piece of writing and I can't wait for the next update.

However, as amazing as this story is so far, I'd like to explain why I rated the writing style 3 stars instead of 5. Though I loved the story, there was a bit of storytelling that seemed to lack. The description was well done and immersive, the characters were interesting and understandable, yet I couldn't fully get into the story whenever I read it.

Now, let me explain why I personally believe this is the case. Although the story doesn't lack well-done descriptions, what it does are the elements that show a story rather than tell. In my experience, the story was mostly told. It was as if someone was narrating what was going on. The constant switch in point of view didn't help much either (I'll get to that later).

For example, whenever Sarah's full name was used instead of just her name or 'she' or 'her'. In sentences like 'And that is when Sarah Evers realized...' it sounds really distant. A lot of descriptions that would usually allow for the reader to walk along the character was also written in a narrative voice. Many times when talking about feelings or emotions I couldn't feel them, couldn't connect with them. I felt like I was told what to feel because the character was feeling it, and I'd prefer to feel it because I'm too immersed to think otherwise.

What also kept me from really getting into the story was that there was no clear POV, and when there was, there would be a little paragraph of someone else's thoughts and the spell would be broken. Even in third person, you still got to keep to one person at a time. If we are following Sarah and her thoughts, we don't know what Edward is thinking, we can't possibly know because Sarah doesn't know. If you want to switch to Edward's POV that is of course allowed, with either the start of a new chapter or chapter break, but that means we do NOT know what Sarah is thinking at that exact same time unless the scene is repeated in her POV, but again, after either a chapter break or at the start of a new chapter.

Think of it like this; everyone is their own person, and unless they have the ability to read someone else's mind, they can't possibly know or hear the other's thoughts. In the little paragraph where we get a small glimpse of what Edward is thinking, while really we are following Sarah's experience, we get information that Sarah doesn't know and doesn't act upon. So what does it really add at that moment? It only gets more confusing than clear. Rather than putting in that little paragraph, you could have given Edward his own POV, explaining what he thought when he saw her, his excitement when she was all he remembered, and we get to know him in a much more personal way than that a single slipped-in-between-paragraph could ever explain.

I hope this is helpful to you, and I mean in no way to discourage you. These are the things that I noticed while reading and what I think you could improve on. The story overall is amazing and I really like the plot, characters and everything else about it. I was just a little sad that I couldn't really get into it as much as I wanted, and I hope this helps you grow as a writer. Whether you do something with it or not is up to you, but in any case, I hope you continue on writing. This story can become so great, I truly believe that, and I wish you all the luck in the world with it.

Keep up the writing and never stop being amazing!
Can't wait for the next update!

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The Monk

Okay, so although the story is only one chapter long it took me a while to finally do this review. I wasn't sure what to say in the review, but I think I got it now. The story is interesting and the concept certainly unique. The fact that it is a short story is intriguing, something you can just read in one sitting when you don't feel like starting a whole new book but still want to take your mind of things. Short stories have become underrated recently, so I'm glad to see there are still some out there.

In all honesty, I didn't enjoy reading this story. It wasn't because the story was bad or boring or I didn't like the plot, cause I do believe this story has all the elements it needs to be great. The real reason why I didn't enjoy the reading experience was because it was hard to get through. Most of the sentences and just whole paragraphs were hard to follow and right from the start it didn't feel like I was reading the story I was promised. Short stories are meant to hook the person from the beginning till the end, they have to tell a complete story in a single chapter, which is hard. You have to introduce the world, characters, give the reader reasons why they should care about these people without really knowing who they are, and I just wasn't able to get into it with how it was told here.

The dialogue was pretty forced and seemed unrealistic to me, it was just done so over the top that it felt awkward to read, for me personally. When you write dialogue, try saying it out loud for yourself and you'll see for yourself if it feels natural or not. As for the writing style, I too fond of that. Like I said before, it was hard to follow with many long sentences that at the end lost their point. Try using a mixture of short and long sentences to get the point across better.

All in all, I do believe this story has potential, but I suggest it to be rewritten or heavily edited. There are a lot of mistakes that break the flow and therefor need to be looked at. Something I learned recently was that stories or chapters that start in a moment of action often have a better way of hooking the reader. So what I would suggest is that the author skips the intro for the most part and just dives straight into the important parts of the story. Having a info dump in the beginning of a short story is for the most part unnecessary since it is information that can easily be given within the story in certain events, making it less of an info dump and more part of the actual story. Characters should be introduced through their actions, showing who they are by describing what they do and value in certain scenes. Telling us head on who who is and what they do and why takes away most of the mystery until there isn't much reason left for the reader to keep on reading. They know everything already, making it easy to predict what is going to happen, while in reality you want them to be in constant wonder of what and how and why.

The base is there and so is the plot and characters, all that it's need is a different approach. Spelling mistakes can be overlooked, the occasional misused word as well, but having the story be written as an info dump will scare away readers. Of course, this is just my opinion on it and what you do with it is completely up to you. I am in no way trying to discourage you from writing, instead I'm trying to encourage you to keep on trying and experimenting with the options you have and become better. I wish you the best on this path and I hope keep on writing :)

(PS. just a personal pet peeve, I hate it when people overuse exclamation points. I felt like mentioning it, but didn't want to include it within the review itself since it is a personal pet peeve and most people probably wouldn't be bothered by it.)

Good luck!

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Absolutely Amazing

When I first started reading this story I knew that this was different from what I've read before. It was a bit slow-paced at the beginning with no clear plot beside Sunny and Richie dancing around each other. Then, the first bomb hits and we are suddenly introduced to the dangers. It only gets intenser from there. I enjoyed the slow-paced plot. It gave you the time to get what was going on, who the characters were and why they were important. It also showed how there were peaceful and 'normal' moments, and what those moments looked like. it gave the hectic events that follow that much intenser and understandable why even in that environment what was to come was in no way easy to handle.

It did feel like there was no bigger plot in the whole story, I personally thought the story mostly consisted of smaller plots which added up nicely to each other, but I was missing a bigger picture. These events could have been portrayed as just her life. We could have started when Sunny was younger and explored the trauma that was left by her sister dying and her mother leaving and it would have been just as enjoyable. What I'm trying to say is that, yes, the story is very interesting and fun to read, but the character(s) aren't working towards a goal or to defeat the (for example) big evil. It's almost as 'a day in a life' story. It's just something I felt was missing. Like, the ending wouldn't be satisfying cause technically the story could still be going on.

But like I said, besides missing the bigger plot, the story is still very interesting and the events that happen sure are twists that are not what you expect. They all add up very nicely to each other and it all makes sense. The writing style is very easy to read and follow. I personally didn't like that 'babe' and 'baby' was used a lot, but that is a personal pet peeve and very understandable why people in that environment would use those pet names often. Just felt like mentioning it, don't have to do anything with that information besides be proud of yourself for getting me to the last chapter despite it ;)

Honestly, I was shocked by Tommy's actions, though I expected it after the first time he said she was his 'property'. That is a big red flag and I was surprised Tommy thought like that. I immediately disliked him after that moment. Before he was an interesting addition to Sunny's life, having him come back right when things started to develop with Richie. However, somehow, before he did what he did to her (trying not to spoiler too much for those who read the reviews before the story) I couldn't hate him. There was something about him, I can't really put my finger on it, but I can't help but be in denial of how it ended with him. I can understand Sunny and her feelings towards him even after everything.

As for Sunny and Richie, I loved Richie the moment he was introduced, and Sunny is simply said amazing. She is strong and during her journey, you can really feel with her. You feel her pain, her struggle. you know you would probably have done the same or broken even sooner. I can't help but respect her for how she handles her shit. Truly an amazing character. The poor thing deserves a break, but I'm sure she will overcome this next struggle and will do amazing. I believe in my strong girl.

I usually don't go that much into depth when it comes to characters, but yours have really left an impact on me. they were simply that well written. Overall, the story is a piece of art, definitely worth reading. It's full of twists and turns and couldn't be done better by anyone but this very author. Keep on writing!

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In love with this world

So, to begin, I loved the world and the setting the story was set in. I loved the way it was depicted and the overall ambiance of it.

The prologue is very captivating and makes you curious for more. I really liked that about it. The first chapter is very interesting as well, showing a bit of the world and Khyber's role in it. It explains a bit of what is going on but just not enough to satisfy your curiosity, which makes you read on and on and on until you finally get the answer you seek for.

Though, I thought that the flow of the story wasn't that pleasant to read at times. The missing commas plus how the sentences were formulated didn't appeal to me much. I had to think too much about what exactly was happening to really get into the story. Many words were also overused, like 'highway' and 'green plants'. This also caused for the story to lose its flow. Reading it through should solve this mistakes, tho.

Overall I can see potential in this story. it certainly had its attractive and unique qualities that each success novel needs. Now it's all up to the author how they want it to turn out. I wish you the best of luck, keep writing this excellent story of yours and show the world that there is no boundaries when it comes to the human mind!

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Very Interesting and Different!

This is such an interesting one-shot. I really liked it! I really like how it is written, the overall feeling of the story was very nice. I really felt like I was in that time with them, I could see Belfrontes shift from hero to madman, how he lost his morals over time, how the thrill of killing overwhelmed him until it became him. Very, very well done.

Like with the other story I read of you I have to say that I really like your style of storytelling. The way you tell your story is intriguing and fresh, not many authors write in such a style anymore. I personally really like it and I definitely encourage you to continue with this style and practice it more and more. It really suits the settings you write and the whole theme and atmosphere that you try to set. Totally love it.

There were a few things that didn't sit well with me, though. I found that some parts went by rather rushed. They went by with a blink of the eye, perhaps you could take a look at that?

There were some mistakes in the spelling too, but it are just those a quick read through could fix, nothing too major. Oh, and a few sentences weren't complete, just so you know.

Also, when Belfrontes enters the cave the maiden immediately starts to cry at his feet. She isn't shocked to see him, she doesn't question him first, get's angry, takes a defensive stand before the dragon, she just... throws herself in front of him and begs and cries. Then without much of a fight she just says 'okay but at least let me take his blood.' Idk, it bothers me a bit how quickly she gives in.

Anyways, that is just my personal opinion. I did like how she got her revenge, how she finally freed herself and her kids in the end. It definitely has potential and it's a great storyline. If you finetune it you can perhaps enter it in a few short story writing contest.

You seriously have so much talent and I just love the stories you come up with and the style you write them in. It just all seems to fit together perfectly, from start to finish it keeps your interest and keeps you wanting only more.

I hope you never stop writing! Keep it up and share your passion, it is a wonderful gift you have!

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Great Story

So, first off, I really like the concept of this story. The idea of a game where a hot guy dares you to make him fall for you before you do yourself is intriguing and quite unique. It was what attracted me to the story. The beginning looked promising, with the character being introduced and their settings, so great job on that.

What was quite a turn off for me was the constant switch between tenses in the story. Yes, tenses are difficult, I still struggle with them myself, but it is helpful if you know in which tense you want to write the story, and than stick to that. These switches make it sometimes difficult to read and take away the smoothness that should flow with each sentence. It's okay to be struggling with this, taking the time to look it over once or twice should help as well, or let someone else look it over. Most noticeable mistakes will be taken out this way and the sentences will flow smoother which makes the story easier to read.

Something else I had trouble with were the characters. Yes, they were all different, but there wasn't a direct depth to them that caught my attention. I couldn't really find a connection with them. I know this is difficult but it's worth to keep in the back of your mind when writing. Things that make characters more relatable are the little quirks and the way they react to certain situations. Just because she isn't like most girls and doesn't understand why they act that way doesn't immediately make her special. Tell me why she loves the sea, how the soothing waves calm her heated skin from the sun, tell me how Drew's posture is on the rather attractive side, even tho she would never admit it to him or herself, and makes her cheeks heat slightly when he is close, tell me how his skin is soft or rough against her own. tell me how the alcohol brings her back to her previous life, how her head feels heavy at the mere thought, her hands slightly begin to shake as the overwhelming rush passes through her, tell me how his skin is warm under her fingertips, how there is more to that handsome face and body, because I couldn't find a spark of attractiveness other than he was described that way. It's all about the details that add to the character; what is he/she feeling? How would he/she react?

I hope this will help you in developing this story. I truly believe it's a great story you've got going, there is just some more work that needs to go into it. These are all things you will learn the more you start writing and achieve with practice. I'm pointing it out since this used to be something I struggled with too, and from time to time still do. I think it's easier to improve if you know what you should work on.

So, all in all, this story had great potential, definitely original and something worth checking out. Good luck on this story, I know this will turn out perfect one day!

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Really something else!

For what I've read so far I've found the story really interesting. I really like how the story is being told, as if it was written in a journal or a collection of letters. It's a nice way of changing things up as most stories are written in a more well known style, it's quite a risk as not many stories are written like this (compared to what I've read so far that is), so yeah I really like the originality of the story and its style. It definitely adds a certain feel to it.

A thing that I also noticed is that the story seemed to be written in a rush. In overall this is not too much of a bother while reading but might take away some of the impact. What it also tells me is that the author is really excited and has many ideas when it comes to this and wants to share it as soon as it's written down., which is not a bad thing. I love to see authors who are excited about their ideas :) A tip that might help the author is to write either slower, make sure to get the sentence right, or if your head is just too full and you need it down in one go to proof read it at least once before posting it.

In general I'm really curious to see where this story is going and what Fiona's goal is; does she really only want to help others while also satisfying her slight killing addiction or does it has a deeper meaning? Is there a certain trauma that caused her to start thinking about killing in the first place or....? I have so many questions and I'm excited to discover the answers as the story grows!

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