Rick Byter

Lots of potential, but needs work.

I'll start by saying that I really do like the style here, especially all of the internal monologuing that really lets readers get into the head of Eves. From there though, there are some structural issues, mostly with the grammar, that definitely needs some work. For the most part, it really just needs a lot of proofreading to clean up some of the grammar issues, especially when it comes to some punctuation, with a lot of missing commas and some misused words.
As far as the storytelling goes as well, there is a lot of telling going on. Almost the whole first two chapters feels like its getting players caught up with everything that happened before the story starts, which isn't bad on its own, but it can certainly drag for a while. There is a lot of good in these moments, however, like Eves rambling at the beginning of Chapter 2. That section is very charming and insightful, all by showing the reader Eves' inner thoughts as opposed to telling too much.
All-in-all, the story itself has a pretty decent premise and there is plenty of quality to be found in the style, but it definitely does need a thorough "combing" of sorts to catch all the issues and clean up some of the more telling moments and let the information come a lot more organically.