Good effort but a tad too ambitious
I applaud the attempt at an extended poem, I really do. It is an interesting approach and the innovation is to be lauded. If you try something like this again let me know and I will come back because an idea like that should be encouraged.
However, you fall a little short of your apparent ambition. First of all you are using a short, non descriptive, bare bones, punchy style of verse. This works very well for short sharp poems, often ones with an edge, humour or wit. The limerick is a perfect example. But that style just does not hold across this much text. It becomes repetitive and draining to read.
You also have inconsistent rhythmic structure and syllable counts. Your first few verses go thus.
For this style of poem you need consistent, tight rhythmic structure. I can see a vague pattern but you need to be strict in following it. Similarly you are a bit charitable with your rhyming scheme and these short punchy verses demand more constant and consistent rhyme.
I really like this idea, and I get the feeling you have more skill that this piece shows. You just chose the wrong kind of poem for the subject, objective and length. Try again with a different, slower, descriptive style.
Amusing and Innovative.
This is very hard to review because of just how meta it is. First off, props for the idea. It makes for a smile and is so off the wall I had no idea what was happening at first. It also got genuinely amusing in the last half. About the first 1/4 was a tad difficult and if there were jokes I was missing them because of how confused I was before I cottoned on.
I would say that maybe you could be a tad more descriptive, but that will be very difficult in this tale as the voice of the beta in particular would not be described or pleasing to read, merely purely functionary. Similarly this tale seemed to rely on it's fast pacing which worked very well and which would be bogged down by more description.
For what this is and what it is trying to be it is very good, almost review proof because of the concept, but still good.
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