JohnHazel

So far, so good!

It's a lovely beginning and you exposited the characters and their interrelationships very well! I could feel that the main character and the P.A. had an already well-established relationship, and it was cute as all heck. The setting and place were written concisely and gave me exactly what I needed to follow along. However, (don't worry the bad part is more technical than anything) your sentences, while fairly easy to understand, were sometimes a bit run-on and I felt myself trailing away - waiting for a comma or full stop that never came. But, as a writing style, it really isn't the worst there could be. Lastly, and this is just personal stigma, I really didn't feel like not liking the fat index agent guy. Sure he was a doughnut, and a cold guy but the way he was described didn't make me dislike him on the spot. So I felt kinda bad when you kept positing and insinuating that he's all that bad. I figure you should just detail why he seems bad a bit more and give the audience some characteristics that would make them relate to his undesirable behavior. But being fat and not welcoming didn't strike that deal with me. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the story so far and it was entertaining to read, so I'll come by and check up if I see you updating (:.