Lilitia

After a long writing lull, I'm back into the swing of things & hope to post more on here. I can also be found on; Fanfiction (Cinn), Fictionpress (Lilitia) & AO3 (Lilitia).

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Promising start

I like the world you've created. A whole community of angels and werewolves even before demons are thrown into the mix. It would be really great if you could explore that more and really immerse the reader in this interesting community you've built. Right at the beginning you briefly touched on Isabella and Violetta's powers but I don't recall the others (but that might just be my memory). It would also allow you to introduce characters at a slower pace but with more detail so the readers can properly familiarise themselves with characters and shared histories and relationships.

The plot itself is good (though I'm not 100% sure where you're going with it yet) though sometimes I feel that because you've paced it quite fast you don't have time to include all the elements you want to.

Your writing style is very descriptive. There are some brilliantly detailed descriptions of outfits and furnishings that are really vivid for the reader. Personally I'm not the biggest fan of 1st person POV but it's generally handled well. With one exception (which might be true of any viewpoint style you choose) and that is that some of the darker elements of the story could be handled more adeptly. But having said that it's still a good attempt at handling something so complex.

On the technical side the main problem is that some of the scenes don't flow, especially action scenes, by which I mean characters inexplicably move places or are doing wildly different things a sentence later. This can be quite jarring and sometimes requires a couple of reads to work out what just happened.

Overall I think it's a really good start, you said you were editing and updating the story (and once you do I'm happy to review my review), so it would be great to see everything slowed down a bit and the world really opened up to the reader.

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Good short story

I really liked this short story, the writing is description without being overbearing and the world is nicely self contained.

However, I'm not sure if this plot/world lends itself well to short story format. Especially given the focus in the 2nd half of the final chapter, which raises many questions about how long the main characters were away and what exactly is the purpose of Combine and why.

One other question I have is whether or not non hominid species would share their mannerisms? Though it is interesting to have the main characters be from another species, and in a longer story a lot of additional details about culture and history could be added.

I'd recommend to anyone who likes sci-fi and/or short stories they can easily binge on.

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Good first draft

Chronologically this is the sequel to Silver Bullet, but I'm not sure which order they're intended to be read in.

Much of what I said in my review to Silver Bullet is also applicable here. The plot is good, though sometimes certain events raise more questions than answers. For example it's never really explained why Kazeem has the kind of setup in his "studio".

This story focuses a lot more on Derek so the rest of the characters don't get a lot of time, but we do get a lot more details about him. Sometimes characters do things or say things that seem unlikely or sometimes implausible.

The writing itself is very similar to Silver Bullet. I think I only spotted one instance where an entire description is reused word for word. Again in some instances unusual/incorrect words have been used to describe a situation. Though, like last time, I think a beta reader would sort out most of these mistakes. The main difference in the style between Silver Bullet and Iron Mountain is that this one uses a lot more tech jargon and especially uses brand names to describe items. I'm not sure this always helps.

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Great first draft

The story and plot are well thought out and easy to follow for the most part. It's an enjoyable book. A few mistakes here and there lead to some confusion but it's minor. Also there is some great attention to detail and the sprinkles of phrases/lines in a speakers natural language are a nice touch.

There's a nice array of characters but not much detail on their motivations, though this is possibly intentional to keep the reader guessing as to who is on whose side. Just sometimes this kind of extra detail can be a nice touch.

Occasionally entire phrases/sentences/paragraphs are repeated word-for-word close together which interrupts the flow of the work. In some instances unusual/incorrect words have been used to describe a situation. However, I am possibly being a little harsh on the writing/grammar side because I suspect English is not the author's first language. With a proof/beta reader I think most of these mistakes could easily be ironed out.

I'm still not 100% certain if this book comes before or after Iron Mountain (I'm going to read that next) and will update this if some of the questions I have about the wider world are answered by reading that one first. However, this book still works well as a standalone.

I'd recommend this book to anyone who likes fast paced action packed stories.

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Different & addictive

It certainly wasn't what I was expecting. The ending was very abrupt but it was definitely different to how these kind of stories normally go.

The writing style is very good, once I started reading I was totally hooked. I think it might have benefitted from additional details or expanding on certain aspects here and there. I think maybe a little bit more on the aftermath? Perhaps it's intentional but I feel the author left a lot of threads hanging unresolved. However, I think the author did a good job of introducing characters, describing them and giving the reader a good understanding of their motivations so succinctly.

On the technical side it could have done with a bit more proof reading. There's a few typos here and there (us/use, even/event, if/of mix ups) and possibly a few lines could be rearranged/reworded for clarity.

Overall, however, a good sci-fi short story. Would recommend to people who are interested in the exploration of human reactions & motivations.

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Great continuation

Just like at the end of the first book, I still really want the next one. In fact, I couldn't believe this one was over when it ended.

Just as action packed and fast paced as the original. It's very easy to binge on this series and the story is easy to follow whilst building on a number of different threads. If I had to find a problem it's that it's the supporting characters come and go just as you've got attached, but that's all part of the narrative of survival in the book and it does fit and is a powerful way to connect the reader with the main character.

Again, anyone who likes action and mystery type plots should really read this series. In fact, I feel like everyone should at least give it a try.

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Good work, can't wait till next book

It's fast paced, and the chapters are very short, but at the same time that immerses the reader by making them feel like they're hurtling between the obstacles in their journey as the characters are.

This isn't what I was expecting when I chose to read it, I was expecting it to be a metaphor. But the plot (so far) is good and pulls the reader in and makes them want to find out more. It also strikes a good balance between the characters having too hard a time or a too easy/choreographed time of it.

Not sure who I'd recommend to, I guess people who like action packed and/or mystery plotlines.

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Great work

I actually really liked the plot. The ending was sad, but at the same time fit perfectly. That Bly family... Wow. Part of me wants to see a sequel dealing with the new president and how that all goes, but I don't think that would fit in with the original premise of this book at all.

I got side tracked. Overall I think the writing style is good, however sometimes I found myself forgetting how young the central characters are, which then got frustrating at how trusting Emmary was for the majority of the book. But that might just be me. Also I'm still trying to decide how involved Hal was and how much was an act.

Also I think you could benefit from a beta reader, as there are a few typos in many chapters that your spell checker wouldn't pick up (eg quite instead of quiet, you/you're etc) and can be hard to spot in your own work.

Overall, however, I think it was a great story. :)

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Enjoyable

Good book, a nice blend of predictable/unpredictable. In that it wasn't unpredictable just for the sake of it, but it was nice and unique in its own way. It had a good set of main characters and a nice plot.

In some places it would've been nice to delve into the motivations and background of some of the (other) characters, but everything that was necessary to the story was covered. Same with the wider world, some additional details would have been nice but all relevant stuff was given at the right time in the story.

The writing was good, a few minor typos (sent/scent, morning/mourning etc) but infrequent and not enough to interrupt the flow of the story. Personally I find 1st person pov a little odd so I'm not sure if it needed more description or not.

Overall a well thought-out and delivered story with a nice array of characters. I'd recommend this to anyone who likes supernatural type fantasy with a good dollop of romance and friendship building.

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Good first draft

This is a good first draft for a plucky kids save the world type fantasy adventure story.

There's some great concepts and ideas (I did enjoy the history behind the events in the book), but I think sometimes the author's wish to keep the reader guessing becomes their own worst enemy. It also reuses the same plot twist that makes it feel a little repetitive. I think the author could benefit from a beta reader.

The other thing is the details (or sometimes lack thereof) that makes the story or characters unbelievable. Such as Mr Tual's reactions to out of the ordinary events and other characters making the exact same (crucial to their motives) mistake twice. I also believe that the author needs to (re)consider what children know and how they would behave, yes children are naturally curious and I don't doubt they would want to investigate, but the line "they are mature for their age" don't really make all of what they do/say/know believable. It might be easier to age them all up about five years or so.

If you're looking for a darker Harry Potter type story, then this is probably for you.

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Interesting

I'm not sure if this book is still getting updated, so I'm going to review where it got to. I'll update if more chapters appear.

I don't think I've read anything like this, and if I have certainly not in a long time. When I picked it up I was half expecting it to be a lot like Portal, and I am glad to be mistaken. There's less focus on characters and more about a journey in an unknown world(s), and I like the way the author describes the way forgotten memories come floating back.

All in all I think it's a good start, and for anyone who likes reading about sci-fi or stories that focus on places rather than people.

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Is this an intro or full book?

This feels like the start of a novel rather than a complete work, but it hadn't been updated in a while so I'm not sure...

Anyway, as an introduction it's great, it brings the reader in at a nice pace where they get a good feel for the world without feeling rushed or it dragging on unnecessarily. The setting of the Emporium (in book) is intriguing and opens up a lot of possibilities. Same for the few characters involved so far and it's nice that we're getting glimpses into their histories too.

I gave three stars for plot as it doesn't work as a full book, in the event this gets updated I'll review my review.

I'd recommend this to both fantasy & sci-fi readers, but more so if it felt finished rather than an intro.

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Good so far

I've given four stars because it's incomplete, but I'm enjoying it so far, and I'll review the rating when it's finished.

It's unique in the way it deals with science vs religion. I'm not sure if it's leaning on one particular direction or not (at the beginning the author says it will be impartial, and I think they're trying to be).

I might have been a bit unfair for the writing ability, as generally the English is very good - especially if it's a second language - as is the style. However, it might benefit from proof and/or beta reading.

Overall I'm enjoying the book so far and would recommend it to science fiction fans and people who like digging into meaning where none is apparent.

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Cut off

Despite cutting off your story halfway with a bunch of links (yes, I know, free copy if readers sign up for your newsletter, unsubscribe any time - but it's still inconvenient and perhaps unnecessarily puts readers backs up), I really enjoyed the plot and development so far.

It's an unusual and interesting premise that's really interesting, and I would recommend to anyone who likes sci-fi (but not via Inkitt). I'm not sure whether or not I like the Cinderella/Cindy Rella name play or if it makes it feel a little childish. But the characters are generally really well done and everything/one is introduced at a pace that doesn't overwhelm or force the reader to recall something mentioned once fifteen chapters ago.

Basically, brilliant story so far and well written, as annoying as being cut off is (which is kind of poignant given the subject matter) it's still been a great read so far.

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