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The prologue worked very well as a hook for me - I wanted more!
The opening continued that. It does need more polish - a light copyedit. There's a bit of dragging description that mars the pace, and some typos.
All in all, I enjoyed this tale, its twist, and the broad hint that underlies it!
THIS story makes me want to read on.
(I've been working my way through the top ten)
Being an editor, I do want to fix some phrasing and such in this story, too - but I want to read on. I want more of the story. It's not *work* to read this, and I'm curious about this world and its (at least) two races and these swords and why a race that long-lived with a 2000 year plot is being ham handed about it. You see, if you write well, I'm willing to hope the thinking is also good and there will be an answer to that question and not just a writer without the skills to pull off what they plan. To get an editor to want to read on is a win. I think I'll go look for it.
This is just ch. 1
Below are the notes I took as I read:
Word use and grammar - "nothing but" is different than "but for" - yes, "nothing but for" is possible, but not here. There's a rather long sentence stub, a homeless apostrophe hanging on the end of "dangers" for lack of a better place, and a variety of things that could use a copy editor through the piece.
The description of the system needs to be trimmed. Tighten up the verbiage in general.
I'm confused - it sounded like the no-one could get lost because its hull was getting eaten up by ...vacuum? So there's less and less safe space within the station?
I get the plot, and I think reading it in bullet points would have me wanting this book - but there needs to be an easier flow and better choice of what to describe how much.
Ya Gotta Chuckle...
This is the only story of several I've read (top down) that is truly technically solid in mechanics and plot and storytelling. It's a new thought, it hangs together, and the twist at the end is most satisfying. I'm sure it'll become dated, but - well, really, it does rather explain a certain successful streak and its sudden ending!
My one real dissonance is names. Ralph and Greg. Here's where I went: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xsLXuUEqbI
...was that really what you meant? It might be...
The description in this story mostly appeals - sometimes the extra detail jars but mostly, I am drawn by it. The storyline gets muddy in places, and I'm left not sure what the author means by the story elements. When one is writing flash, each piece needs to fit.
There are grammar issues but it's phrasing and clarity not grammar that impeded me.
Prose and Edit Stage a Rebellion
This tale is a fun romp. The character names and the story's framework read in the tradition of Phantom Tollbooth and its more serious predecessor A Pilgrim's Progress, but as I said, it's a romp. The plot is a light retelling of the recent struggle over what form publishing should take and who should control it.
The story's a bit pat but has solid construction and wit. Its one loss is grammar - and not so much the apparent fear of commas, but word use issues.
Still - this is a professional story that needs very little editing.
Writing interferes with plot
In this tale, the writing obscures the point repeatedly. In some cases the prose is too flowery and not enough concrete information is given, as in the beginning when it's not quite clear that the Queen is one of the escorts and not one of the little girls. In other places it's grammar that interferes with clarity.
The plot and characters are interesting, despite that fact. I'd have liked a bit more casual references to background before, not after, I needed them but that's not a major point.
To take critique well is, itself, an art.
The new edit of Usono removes the issues I had - it would appear, both. I find no sentence stubs, no words misused, no hooks that repel.
What I DO find is a story from the mostly-analytic mind of a Justiciar (this seems to mean cop with summary judgment rights) in a world where the normal human is worth far less than those with various modifications - and perhaps less than the artificial intelligences.
The plot moves in actions but not enough in character reveal/development - this being an excerpt, that problem could go away overall... I further expect that there's more on the bad guy, and recognize that it was the effort to give the bad guy background that resulted in the poor section I first reviewed.
I would like to see this tighten up and brighten up - more energy. As I said on the side, I think reading it out loud to someone and watching their face can tell you a LOT about flow!
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