RussFellows

I'm a storyteller. While I could probably say a lot, you'll find out about me best by visiting my site: http://russelljfellows.com/

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Good start

What I liked:

Intriguing premise to this story. I like the idea of characters changing back and forth between human and animal. The characters have a strong potential for readers to care what happens.

What I didn't like:

The technical writing of this is too jarring. Author needs to work on sentence structure, grammar, punctuation, etc. The fight scenes need some tweaking to make them more immersive.

Conclusion:

If the technical aspects of this story are fixed, this has the potential of being a strong story. The Character's voice needs some tweaking. Maybe too focused on the physical aspects of love. If more emotion were added to show the connection between the protagonist and his lady love, it could add some real depth.

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Overall Rating
Plot
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I like the premise

What I liked:

The idea behind this story is intriguing. Someone who can bend time and change events? Great concept.

What I didn't like:

The pacing of the story is off. It seems the author rushed the ending. Would have served the story better to drag this out a bit - more discovery on what was causing the migraines, how this person was bending time, how they end up in the various positions to do so much good, etc. One moment he inadvertently changes events by pulling over because of his headache. Next thing we know, he knows how to "bend time" - the logical flow of events is missing. (Also, did he go back in time so far that he was taking his daughter to school when the beginning of the story only had his "bend" seven minutes to avoid the crash while he was running?)

Conclusion:

This story has promise. I think the author could do some great things if they don't rush it. Take your time, let it flow, and watch your logical jumps between events.

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Overall Rating
Plot
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Great Story

What I liked:

This was a great, original, read. I enjoyed it. The humor throughout was enjoyable. It gives a bit of food for thought, too, in how we communicate in this world. How transparent are we?

What I didn't like:

Not much to not like here. Minor grammatical errors. Nothing too traumatic.

Conclusion:

Great short story. I liked the originality. I liked the way the author weaved a "working" translation of the transmission.

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Overall Rating
Plot
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Intriguing

What I liked:

The story was very creative. I liked the characters and the idea behind the story a lot. The technical aspects were believable.

What I didn't like:

I think too much focus was paid to the technical aspects. The story felt like one told at a cocktail party or a grandpa retelling some old story he remembered. It wasn't immersive enough. The dialogue wasn't engaging or believable. As a reader, I felt too removed from the story to really care.

Conclusion:

Great plot, great premise, needs some work on voice. It felt a bit cold and wooden. Need some emotional depth.

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