Shannylee24

Different Read

This is a different read than the normal type of genre I like to read. Needless to say, however, it is well done. The story follows the main character, Ana, and her mother through a bunch of twisted scenarios. Toward chapter 10, where this story is currently at, you finally get some answers! The story itself reminds me of many dysfunctional families and the ways of family banter. This story takes it to the next level with the murderous tendencies of the characters. It has such a creepy feel to it, but it beckons you to keep reading. The chapters are at a great length and the author has taken advice from the readers on the "Russian way of things" which I really like. There were a bit of some grammar mistakes, such as some dialogue not being capitalized or, since the dialogue is italicized, a couple paragraphs were not and so on. The use of commas and periods were mixed a bit and you put commas that were unnecessary. It made some of the writing a little choppy but still understandable. My advice is to just go back and correct some of your errors and your story should be good to go! Overall, I enjoyed the plot as it was dark and interesting. Despite the main character being a bit of a psychopath, she still acts like a child to some degree and the mother Nadia has a great personality for the issues and such she carries. Keep it up!

Interesting

First, it is quite an interesting read, and I will tell you why. The story follows the main protagonist, Lance, who goes on a mission in Kansas City. I have to say the general parts of his character are very much down to earth and thought out. He is generally humble and thoughtful, has showings of anxiety and struggles with life. His thoughts and such, even the ones you wouldn't say out loud to anyone, seem to fit the scenario. The story itself is fun and has a great mix of modern paranormal and realistic situations. I like the character dynamic with Lance and the other characters. The part with him and Leanan and their part of the story was well versed in explanation, especially, the reactions emotionally he has toward her later on after events unfold. Things that I think could be improved on is maybe having some more relatable male characters. I don't really see a trope as much with the paranormal aspect, as you have included different variations of vampires, sorcerers/wizards/mage and witches, but you do have one male main character who is surrounded by many good-looking females throughout the whole story. There is Green and Eddy, but they aren't as prominent throughout as the other female characters. He officially ended up kissing most the female characters as well, which, I thought was a little odd and sometimes unnecessary. I can tell the gist of the story has been edited-that this isn't the first exact draft, but I did find some errors. More so in the earlier chapters, you have a bunch of longer paragraphs and some run-on sentences. I think the most prominent error in your writing was the use of commas or lack of them. Some areas had two mashed sentences put together when, instead of a comma, should have been a period. Also, when starting dialogue, it always needs to be capitalized. There were a few instances when the beginning of the dialogue was lower case. One other thing about grammar, is the use of show, don't tell. I think going back and changing up the wording for some of the reactions can help give an extra OOMPH to the story. One way to do this is to show what is happening vs telling. A small example would be: "No!" Cassandra says angrily. Instead, you could put: Cassandra balls her hands into fists, "No!" In the later chapters, you seemed to show rather than tell, which is good, but the first half of your story I think could be edited to better suit this! So far, though, this has been the first story I have read that has been edited to a greater degree. This story, despite some grammar errors, didn't make me stop reading or have to go back and re-read half the chapter to realize something or whether I missed something like others I have read. This story has a continuous flow, and I like that. If you are looking for a paranormal short story, I recommend reading this. Gives a fresher point on modern paranormal fantasy.

Fresh Story

First, the plot is very fresh. The whole Vampire/Werewolf tropes nowadays are getting a bit out of hand and basically retell the same story over and over again-much to where I can't bring myself to read more than a couple chapters of them. This story, however, gives a fresh look into light/dark Faes, dragons, bloodsuckers and werewolves, wisps, witches, etc. It has a variety of supernatural beings which makes it more diverse, and I absolutely love that! The main characters are well written and provide a humor in much in their dialogue. Some I would think in a real situation, wouldn't be actually said, but the author makes it feel natural somehow. The dynamic between the two mains is very thrilling. I do think, though, a lot was added in on the first and second chapters. A lot of names and places, but as you read, you get the hang where and who places, and people are. The thing to work on, I believe, is more on the grammar and spelling errors. I realize this is a first draft and it is noted that there will be edits down the road, so it isn't anything too off-putting. If you aren't looking for errors, you will minorly see them. The plot and dialogue make up for that! I recommend this story for those in favor of having a fresh take on the supernatural. It has a variety of supernatural beings and doesn't follow most supernatural tropes that have been resaid a million times. Keep it up author! I wait to see the finished product!

Great Read

First off, I wanted to say the plot was intense. I haven’t finished reading yet, but I did want to give this story the review it deserved. The plot follows the young Onyx and his journey, which is full of a lot of surprises. I liked how realistic and authentic the personalities were with him and his group. The names you came up with were very unique and the place’s political standings with the different factions were very well thought out. There were two main points I think you can work on to improve the flow of the story, however, including some of the grammar and POVs. Spelling wise, I haven’t seen anything so far. The long paragraphs could be broken up a bit better and the uses of commas I think is a bit of a need. The other thing is the POV for all the characters. When doing multiple POVs, maybe use a “.....” to separate who the narrating is following or even use different chapters to differentiate it. There were a few instances I had to go back a paragraph or two to realize that new characters were either being narrated or it switched from Onyx to Tykal as an example. I understand the want to show everyone’s thoughts and views when they’re taking the lead of the scene, but making it a little more separated might help it flow a tad better. Overall, I really enjoy this story. I am getting closer to catching up to the latest chapter and will continue to read it in between work and school! I recommend this to anyone looking for a dark adventure who isn’t afraid of blood or gore. It is a great read!