Shinigami_sama

Libertyville

I love writing~

No published stories yet

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Thumbs Up

Throughout the whole thing I was left satisfied and waiting. There was never a dull moment with this piece of literature. Each character was analyzed in a way giving them a life. Definitely fulfilled the thriller part of the contest. Plot was well done since there was a rise, tipping point, and gradual descent. Making it a possible real life situation was good. Creativity was present and I sincerely enjoyed the piece.

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Intriguing

What an interesting thing to write about. You were very good at showing not telling. Literally I could picture what was happening as I read. Though you can be a bit vague in certain areas so it isn't a perfect vision. Repetition surely helped get the point of the story realized.

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Not the worst children's tale ever

At the beginning when you used killed not exactly a good thing to have in a kid's story. Probably use some euphemisms instead of "killed". For a tale meant for children it is fine since it has a moral and a chronological order of events.

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Overall Rating
Plot
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Not bad

Depending on what age group this children's story the vocabulary is either too advanced or just fine. Also you do a lot of telling not showing, help the reader picture things going on a bit more. The plot is steady since the story is just beginning, but make sure to keep the moral of the story in perspective.

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