Slytherclaw Empress

Hogsmeade

Hello! I am Vanessa. I write both my own stories and fanfictions, though I have yet to post some of my original works! Thanks! Happy reading!

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I love it!

There aren't all that many chapters yet, so it may be best to wait a bit to review, but I just couldn't help it! I love your story and the characters - it's amazing! The plot itself has not totally revealed itself, but I can tell that it will definitely be strong. I love the first two chapters especially - I understand that it's not necessarily the story, but I love how it compares the world to the universe. I love the comparisons you make in those two chapters especially. I love this story, and please keep updating!

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Good, but room for improvement!

I really enjoyed this story, but I must say that there are some things that could be worked upon. Maybe, if you ever go back and edit this, try to make the chapters longer and watch for grammatical and punctuational errors. I think that you should have tried to make Tedi a bit stronger and firm in what she says. She bent pretty well when Jack wanted her to forgive him and vice versa. Maybe just have them actually try to work things out instead of having them just apologize and forgive? Also, maybe leave a little more time in between arguments. I know the plot of this story was for them to have a rocky relationship, but maybe just spacing out their spats could help a little.
Overall, very good! Great job!

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I love it!

I love this story, even if there are only three chapters so far...hehe...... I love the plot of this story, and I have seen some like it, but none have been able to pull it off quite as well as this one in just these few chapters. There are a few things that you should probably keep an eye on.
>Punctuation.
>> I found this on Pinterest and it might help you:
>>> "This is your daily, friendly reminder to use commas instead of periods during the dialogue of your story," she said with a smile.
>>>"Unless you are following the dialogue with an action and not a dialogue tag." He took a deep breath and sat down after that clarifying statement.
>>>"However," she added, shifting in her seat, "it's appropriate to use a comma if there's an action in the middle of a sentence."
>>>"True." She glanced at the others. "You can also end with a period if you include an action between two separate sentences.
>>>> This is just something that you can refer back to if you ever need to.
>>>>>Just work on that and maybe making your sentences flow better, and you're perfect!

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Great story!

I have read quite a bit of this, although not all, and I really enjoy it! I think that there are definitely some things that can be approved upon, but otherwise the story is really good. The plot is fantastic, and overall, it's great! Things that you should probably watch out for:
-Dialogue. Some people may have already pointed this out, but I wanted to quickly say that for being adults, some of them speak like teenagers. Also, the way some characters talk does not match their personality/job/how they were written very well.
-Details. Maybe a bit more description of where characters are, or what they look like, etc. I just don't feel like I'm necessarily there with the characters. I know that this is a hard thing to achieve, but if you ever have time to thoroughly edit this, maybe do that. I think that this story can improve a lot if you just keep an eye on that.
-Perspectives. You tend to switch perspectives quickly and without warning. When it is in Thaddeus' (I think that's how you spell it) perspective, you can read Millicent's thoughts.

There is a lot more of what I love, though. Here are some of those things:
-Character development. You can really see how authentic these characters, and it proves that you have poured a lot into making them.
-Plot. You can see all the intricate details that make up the plot, and there are plot twists everywhere I look! I, personally, love plot twists.
-Just the writing in general. You have a great way of writing and getting points across without sounding blunt and/or emotionless.
-Life. You can practically feel the life the characters have. The emotions, the conflict, the way they react to situations. It is all very authentic, and I can relate to the characters (sort of, but I don't live in their world) in some senses.

Other than those few things, I love this story! Great work, keep it up!

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Suspenseful

While reading the single chapter, I was full of fear for Annalise. What's going to happen? I recommend this for anyone, and I hope everyone who reads this likes it as much as I do!

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Could use some improvement.....

I REALLY don't mean to be harsh or rude if that's how you see it. I just noticed that you don't include punctuation very much and your grammar isn't the best. I know I commented this, but please keep an eye on run-on sentences. They can make the story confusing sometimes, so I think you should shorten them to make your meaning clear, but don't make it sound too choppy. Also, don't forget quotation marks when you show that they're speaking please. That is one of my pet peeves so that popped out a lot to me. It might not pop to everyone, but it did to me just because, like I said, it's one of my pet peeves. And just watch out for your grammar. I know not all of it is bad, but there is room for improvement.
Finally, I love the plot! I think that this story has a lot of potential, and you really should keep working on it! Great job, I'm already hooked on the story and there are only two chapters so far!
By the way, if it seems like I'm judging, I'm not. You're really good for just starting!

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Amazing!

I LOVED reading this story! It's a bit shorter than I usually read (there's NOTHING wrong with having short stories!) but I loved it nonetheless. You are amazing at writing. I hope to be able to write like you do. I think that the other reviews have covered what I would improve on, so I'll just let you be! Keep writing!

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Fantastic!

I LOVED reading this story! You have a true talent for writing, ObsessedwFiction! I was nearly in tears for half of the story, to be honest. Whether they were happy or sad, you'd have to be more specific on what part. I loved the plot, although it was a bit cheesy at some points. Sometimes, in small doses, cheesiness is good. I think you did really well with that. I got pretty angry with the characters at some points, but I loved them nonetheless. Great job with this story. Keep writing!

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"Falling For The Bad Girl"

I really really enjoyed reading this story. I loved the plot and your writing, and there's only one thing I could tell you to keep an eye on. I know that the mistakes I saw were exactly that - mistakes. I know that you know capitalization and punctuation, so I won't tell you to fix that, just maybe look over your work and edit it before you publish it? I don't do that myself, but I very seldom listen to my own advice. Anyway, I love the story! Great job!

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Outstanding!

I love Abhaya's story and her personality. The story is very well written and has an amazing plot. I have to beg for updates because I love this story so much. I love the characters (most of them, anyway) and how developed they are. There are so many twists and turns that I don't expect, I'm not sure what will come out of the next chapter! I love the plot, it makes me wonder what is going to happen next. Nothing is very predictable, which I love. I don't want to know at the very beginning what will happen. Please keep updating!!!!

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