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Grammar Punctuation

Secrets on the Walls, Part 1

I enjoyed the premise, and I see a lot of promise in the story. I think one more full edit might get it where it needs to be. There are punctuation, grammatical, and formatting issues that should be looked into, e.i. periods and commas transposed, a new line beginning in the middle of a sentence, using 'than' instead of 'then', things like that. The dialogue is also stilted for me. I had an issue with this myself because my main character doesn't use contractions. If you want them to have a proper but believable speech pattern, try using words that can't be made into contractions. And for my last suggestion, the beginning is a bit slow. Maybe starting in a different place, using a different perspective, or showing the fantasy element of your story sooner could set a faster pace and draw people in. Please know that I have personally made all of these mistakes, and that's why I want to help. So many people decided not to tell me what I was doing wrong and I suffered for it. Best of luck to you. I like your creativity. Keep up the good work :)

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