Taylor

His Captive, My Choice

Firstly, I will say that I'm always a little skeptical of romances that involve kidnapping and whatnot. As someone who is a survivor of IPV and rape, seeing those things sexualized is not the vibe for me, but I will say I think this story does a good job of towing that line. I just caution that instances of domestic violence should be treated as what they are: Unacceptable, not something hot or a turn on - which I haven't seen, which is good. But in the spirit of trying to read all of the story you had on here (since you read all my available chapters) I bounced around a bit so I could get a better sense of the story arch, so I might have missed some stuff that maybe wasn't as kosher, but idk so I won't say yes or no on that - but I'll just leave that tidbit with you of something to consider when editing.

As far as the plot in general goes, I really love it. I think the overall idea of the kidnap story is a common trope, but you put a great spin on it that makes it super original. Your characters are interesting, and there is a good amount of build up before we get to the meat of the story that raises the stakes. I do think the pacing can be a bit slow at times, I put a note in the first chapter about this, so maybe some of that filler could be taken out and sprinkled later, but that's up to you. I think the pacing is on the slower side, but not necessarily too slow to where it takes away.

The writing style is great, I just think it could benefit from more showing rather than telling. You do spend A LOT of narration in the first chapter simply giving a play-by-play backstory of her life, which I don't think is useful in this context. Focus on the action for the first chapter, we can learn those details whenever. Have them mentioned in dialogue or come up in her inner-thoughts. For example, i wrote a book recently where six people are in an escape room together and the way I get all those kinds of demographic details about them out is by having them have a "get to know you" conversation in the waiting room where they're asking each other questions. I think an area you do really well in this is the physical descriptions because they're interacting with the rest of the scene, so do that for other tidbits as well.

Technically, I didn't notice any errors, so good job on that!

Overall, I would say this is a really great story! There are a few things that could be improved, but nothing very major and I would recommend this to anyone looking for a dark romance with an interesting mystery/action/suspense subplot. Well done :)

Soulmates in Heaven and Hell

Overall, I enjoyed the story! You do a really great job of describing setting (which I'm v envious of cause that's the area I most lack in in my writing lol) and you have a very visceral way of describing things that make scenes move well. I like your dialogue and overall the plot is engaging and very unique, which is always good to see.

A few criticisms though would be that I think the plot moves a little too fast. I'd rather see maybe two or three of those sections in one chapter and have them be longer scenes with more time spent in them rather than like 10 different scenes in each chapter. Just spend more time focusing on a smaller amount so we can really spend time developing the characters and their relationships and lives and have these events unroll a little slower. LIke, for everything that happens in like the first chapter that could maybe be 2-3 separate chapters.

As far as technical stuff goes, I noticed a few issues, but it was almost all punctuation errors. Nothing you probably couldn't catch in a quick read through, or if you used a program like Grammarly to catch it all for you.

All in all, though, great job and good luck with the rest!

The Archer and the Orchid

I think the plot is really interesting. It's like the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" but make it a period drama. I think there are parts that are a bit confusing (but I've only read the first 5 chapters so perhaps things clear up later) because I don't really understand what these two factions are that they're on. What is the conflict that they're on opposite sides of? I think it'd be good to make this clearer from the beginning cause I'm having a hard time figuring out what the drama is going to be, which means the suspense of them figuring out they're on opposite sides isn't building. I think you'd benefit from building that dramatic irony (kind of like the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith does! The viewer knows they're in opposite spy organizations before they figure it out).

The only other comment I have is the technical stuff. There are a lot of capitalization errors, but it's not horrible. The only major gripe I have is the way you've structured the dialogue. sometimes you'll have two pieces of quotations right next to each other, which makes it really hard to figure out who is speaking. You should create a new paragraph every time the speaker changes so that we can clearly see which piece of dialogue belongs to which character. Without it, I found myself struggling to figure out who was saying what, which can break up the reading experience and also if I made a mistake and attributed a piece of dialogue to the wrong character, then that could hinder my understanding of the story. So I think that's definitely something that you should fix, and it should be a quick one too since it's just adding paragraphs.

Overall, though, great job, super creative idea, and good luck!

Needs Development

I think the plot in and of itself could be good, although I've read other werewolf stories like this, but it moves way too fast. There is a lot of telling instead of showing, especially in the first chapter where we seemingly move through a large span of time in only a few paragraphs. I think it would be better to stay more connected to the present and have memories/flashbacks come up as a result of a triggering moment/phrase rather than just explaining everything right off the bat. I think those are my two major gripes with this story: too much telling rather than showing, and too fast of a pace. The intimate scenes are great, though, and elicit what you want them to elicit.

Overall, I think this could be a really great story if the two areas I mentioned are improved upon, as well as the grammar - the technical mishaps do take away from the plot and disconnect you from the text, so proofreading would be a good step.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Mixed Feelings

I have a few hesitations with this story on the plot side. While I understand and greatly admire you wanting to tell a story where the FL is a woman with a disability and she falls in love and has a highly sexual relationship with a man (which people with disabilities aren't often depicted as sexually desirable, so fuck yeah we love representation) I fear this may be on the line of fetishizing. It was hard for me to read since it seems the main seduction of this character is that she has severe trauma and a disability rather than those being other parts of her but not the main reason we are to think she is attractive to our ML. It just feels sort of icky to sexualize childhood abuse and trauma as well as a disability... Especially since fetishizing disabilities is a huge problem in the porn world as well as dark web and human trafficking. Furthermore, the auction aspect in and of itself sounds like human trafficking... Potentially these women are voluntarily being sold (which is prostitution then, but I have no moral issues with that and don't thing it should be illegal, but still selling women to men to possess and own feels like sex slavery which is not good), but idk it's definitely walking a line.

So, ultimately, with the plot, it doesn't sit well and I'm not sure if it's sending the message you want to be. I think it's almost objectifying in a way, and while I'm not someone with a disability I was sexually abused when I was a child and engage in BDSM because it is empowering and does help in a way (which is super common as you said) but I think there's a difference between depicting the use of these activities to cope with trauma vs. sexualizing trauma. I think this walks the line between that.

As far as the story goes, the first 5 chapters are all various intros that could be consolidated into one because a reader will likely stop reading after the third one. Also, the character descriptions in the second chap are unnecessary, we'll learn this about them when we read the book so you don't need to list it (showing vs. telling)

I think the characters are interesting, but they certainly follow a lot of stereotypes. I mean, half of the character's parents are dead or not in the picture. And when they are dead, it was tragic deaths and extremely horrific backstories of their lives, which just doesn't feel realistic necessarily. I think you'd have a much more compelling story if there was a bit more subtly or nuance to the characters lives.

Overall, the writing style is good there were a good amount of punctuation and grammatical errors, and I find that you tend to tell instead of show.

So, in conclusion, I think the idea in and of itself can be very powerful and unlike other stories, but it may be worthwhile to evaluate whether or not you're crossing certain lines in order to make sure you're sending the message you want to send. Obviously, that's up to you. Kudos and keep up the good work!

Awesome!

I really love what you have so far! Your writing is impeccable and you do an amazing job of describing emotions and making them salient. Your characters are believable (which I find most people don't write teenagers correctly, so good on you for that!) and you also depict struggles with mental illness very well. I struggle with PTSD after a childhood trauma, so I can relate to Wyatt a bit with that and you do a good job of showing how triggers work and the sort of isolated feeling you can have after going through something so horrific. Really amazing job.

My only criticism would be is that the story is a little slow. There's not much plot development yet besides the hint of a potential romance between Delilah and Wyatt, which would be really cute. However, I wonder if that's the whole plot of the book? I feel like there has to be something else to really tie everything together because Wyatt's mental struggles is sort of his own character development arc and the romance can certainly be the overarching theme, but I think there needs to be some kind of action point in here so that the book doesn't feel super draining and depressing. Not that I think you need to sugarcoat these points, but it can be hard to read a book where the only plot is him working through his trauma since that's something I'd expect more from a memoir rather than a fiction novel - so I think finding something to really tie in his story with the romance to give a good amount of excitement to the reader would be nice (ex: obstacles they face in their budding romance, confrontation with the police in some kind of legal battle perhaps). I do recognize though that there are only four chapters at the time of this review, so you might already be planning to do this and it just hasn't developed yet.

Overall, though, I love this book. Technically, it is superb, and the characters are incredible. Really amazing job, keep up the good work!

PS: love the title! I had to look up what that word meant, so thanks for teaching me new vocab! It fits very well with what I've seen from the book so far

Speechless

Wow... Just wow. Fucking incredible. The writing style: Superb. The plot: Thick and well paced, interesting characters, an alluring romance that isn't too rushed but also leaves unresolved tension. Suspense, dread, and ahhh just such a great mystery. My only qualm is there isn't more of it! I like the ending you have here, it's satisfying in a very unsatisfying way. I'd love love love though to see a sequel told from Ben's perspective - after the events of this where he tries and tries and eventually another outcome happens (don't want to spoil, but you know what I mean haha)

Really captivating read. Another one of those "fuck, I wish I thought of that!" moments as I had with your previous book. You have extremely creative ideas, I'd love to brainstorm with you some time or even collaborate on something since I also have a penchant for horror (albeit, all my books on inkitt are fantasy - the books I write outside of inkitt are all suspense/horror though). Let me know if you're interested and I can give you my email or Instagram!

Again, an incredible job, really heart-pounding read. You should work on getting this on paperback!

Good Start

I think overall the plot is good, albeit it's a lot like other detective stories I've read in the past. Her backstory gives it some elements of uniqueness, but even that kind of traumatic history I've seen before, so I think there needs to be some other kind of element to set it apart from other stories like this.

There are a lot of grammatical mistakes that can make it hard to read at points. The dialogue tags come in the paragraph after the speech sometimes which makes it really hard to tell who is talking at times, so making sure dialogue tags are in the same paragraph as their speech is important. I would also go back and do some proofreader to tighten up the grammar, it's mostly in verb tense. You can use something like Grammarly to help with that.

I like the romance aspect and the mystery is cool, but again, as I said before, it's stuff I've ready before - so there needs to be something that shows me why this story is better/different than all the rest of this genre. What is your selling point? What is your message/what are you trying to say with this story? Those are questions I think would help expand the plot a little bit.

Hope this review helps and good luck!

Great Concept!

Love love love the concept! Generally when I come across LGBTQ+ wolf stories it's about a lesbian or gay mate pairings, so this is a super original way to talk about some real life shit in a story and cover the topic of gender-non conformity. Also love that we get to see him working through his sexuality and gender identity and embracing these parts, really cool representation!

Onto the criticisms though. This does read like a fanfiction, and what I mean by that is it moves very very fast and there's a lot of telling instead of showing. I also think the dialogue (inner and spoken) can be a bit unrealistic at times because people don't always say exactly what we're thinking or have an inner dialogue that is so literal. There were also could be some work with having more complex sentence structures just to give it a less choppy feel.

All in all, great concept! Just needs a bit more fleshing out

Stuck With You

As far as the plot goes, I think it has the makings to be a good love story. Everyone loves an enemies to lovers trope. However, I hope you pull something in that sets it apart from every other "best friend's brother" story with the "stuck in the same room/house" trope, since these are pretty overused so I would hope to see something to set yours apart from the rest. That being said, I do think it moves a little slow. You don't need that first intro chapter since all the information there is already in your book summary - and you want to use your first chapter a a hook that'll make your reader want to read the next chapter, so you'd be better off deleting that and having chapter 2 be chapter 1. I would also increase the "action" in each chapter, since the ones that I've read (reviewing at 5 chapters) seem to all be exposition-type chapters, so we have to have a little bit of a raised stakes. You may even benefit from some kind of prologue that features a high-tension moment later in the story, that way having this much exposition would be find because the reader is already hooked.

As far as the writing style, I find it to be a little bit more telling rather than showing. So I would focus more on letting the reader figure things out about the character's feelings/behaviors/attributes rather than just straight up telling us. Furthermore, you are writing in past tense a lot when you don't need to. It's best to write stories in present tense so it's as if the character is experiencing these things in real time. So don't say, "I rolled my eyes and gestured in front of me" say "I roll my eyes and gesture in front of me" - that way, it feels like it's happening right then and there rather than something that's being recounted to us after the fact, if that makes sense.

I do think the main problem is the technical issues. There are a lot of grammar and punctuation issues (not as much spelling that I noticed) that need to be addressed because they do take away from the story. It was mostly grammatical issues that I noticed, so using a program like Grammarly to help edit would probably be really helpful. I bought the premium version because I really like it, but the free version works really well too.

Overall, though, I think you have a good idea, just need to hone in a few of those story-building and technical skills and you'll be golden. Good luck!

Death Comes from the Sky

I really love your plot! It's an interesting horror theme, and I like that you show the antagonist's POV as well. I think some people are reluctant to do this to maintain a sense of mystery like a "whodunnit" but I think in this case it's helpful and adds to the suspense to clue the reader in right away. Similar to Stephen King's "Mr. Mercedes" - which is one of my favorite detective-type stories.

I think the writing style is great, but at times it can feel a little too casual for my liking. Especially since it's a more series subject matter, and I'd like to see maybe each character's narration (although I know it's in third person, but still) maybe have different tones to really differentiate them. Like, to me, it makes more sense for the psycho's narration to be told in a more casual, flippant tone because that fits the personality. But for the two MC's I think maybe more of a rigid feel would add to the anxiety they're feeling, if that makes sense.

Overall, though, excellent job and kudos to creating a wonderful story!

My Enemy, My Mate

Excellent plot, it's engaging and seems to have good pace. At the time of this review, there was only three chapters, so I can't say much about the pending romance since we haven't met Reed yet, but if it's anything like what you've written thus far, I'm sure it'll be excellent. You know how to build tension and give enough away so a reader has their bearings without giving everything away. Very well done, and I love a strong female lead. The writing is beautiful and thick with imagination. Only critique is that if you're writing from third person POV, then you don't really need POV switches. But that's just a nitpick.

Kudos and good luck on writing the rest!

Fury Flame

I think this story is amazing! It reminds me a bit of Lord of the Rings as far as how intricate the world-building is and the overall fantasy style it falls in. This isn't the kind of genre I'd really read/enjoy, but for people who DO like this genre, I'd highly highly recommend. The writing is beautiful and super descriptive, and you do really well with having the sound of your writing fit with a sort of other-worldly vibe. We can relate to your characters and their world and situation, but the language and the overall vibe makes it seems separate too which is really cool. Didn't notice anything wrong with the technical stuff, so good job on that. Really high marks, I don't have any critiques really since I will admit I'm not super well-versed in this side of the fantasy genre, as I said, but from what I do know, I think it's really great :) Kudos

The Cursed King Cobra

Overall, I really enjoyed the read! I think the characters were all well done and felt like fully fledged/complex human beings (or I guess not human beings though but you know what I mean lol). The plot was very original, literally haven't read anything like it before in the shifter/werewolf genre, so kudos.

Only criticism I may have is a lot of the worldbuilding maybe needs more work. I think you'd be better off making the intro of your story the prologue then having the information that was in the prologue maybe be disseminated more through the story - cause it's A LOT of names and power relationships up front that it was a bit overwhelming and confusing and especially since the reader doesn't have as much intimate knowledge of the world you built going in (cause you have to assume that readers may not have ever read a werewolf/shifter book before, so they'll have no knowledge of this) that it's a lot to process. I'd say maybe start smaller with the worldbuilding so people get their bearings, then go into more of the intricate stuff and slowly introduce new people and new relationships because it's like Game of Thrones level (a lot to keep track of)

All in all, though, great job!!

Finches

I really loved this read! It's not something I'd normally go for, but I really enjoyed it. The plot is engaging and unique (nothing like I've read before, albeit I don't read much in this genre) and you do a good job of leaving some kind of hook at the end of every chapter to get the reader wanting more. Your characters are well done. I like that Colt actually acts, thinks, and speaks like a young, teenager-ish boy - which many writers who write teenagers either make them act like middle schoolers or full-fledged adults, so you strike the balance here very well.

The writing itself is engaging, you do 3rd person POV extremely well (and I usually don't love third person, so kudos) and it's exciting. You use tense very well, it's all active and present which is really good for third person (or any POV really). Didn't notice any grammatical or technical errors.

Overall, really fun read! Good luck on the rest :)

What the Mouths of Shadows Say

I'm shocked this book doesn't have more traffic because it is sooooo good. The plot is original and very engaging, there is steamy romance that keeps things enticing, and I like the plot outside of the romance as well. All if it is so engaging and the writing is done super well. Really beautiful language and great description - very well done the showing rather than telling.

The only criticism I have is a nitpick, but some of the dialogue doesn't feel appropriate for the time period. It's as if they're speaking with today's vernacular many many many years ago, so I think maybe having the dialogue sound a little more time-appropriate would be good.

Overall, though, this is an incredible story and I highly recommend it to anyone and wish you luck with completing it!

The Dust and the Wind

I think firstly the summary needs to be revised. It doesn't do much to make me want to read the story, it's far too casual in tone and saying "it relates to him but also not" doesn't really tell me much about the story or make me want to pick it up. As for the story, the plot itself is interesting, but it all unfolds far too fast and there's way more telling instead of showing. The chapters are really short and we're really just kind of given a summary of what happens rather than going through the story and shown what's going on - the pacing is just too quick and relies too much on narration, I think. I'd almost prefer this to be told entirely from first person.

Overall, I think the technical side of things could use a lot of improvement, but the idea in and of itself is really good, which is most of the battle so keep it up! Good luck :)

Needs Work

I think the plot in and of itself is good, but the writing style and grammar needs a lot of work. The spelling, punctuation, and grammatical issues made it hard to read, so it's difficult to even be immersed in the plot you've laid out when the flow of the wording just feels jarring and not together, especially with the punctuation errors. I also think you write in passive tense a lot, which can be confusing since the tense tends to switch. I would try to write in active voice as much as you can, only using passive if necessary (since sometimes it is). I also think this does suffer from the showing vs. telling issue a lot of writers face. You give us a lot of information up front that could be weaved in the text, so I think that's something that can be improved. However, you've accomplished the biggest feat which is coming up with an engaging and original idea. Lots of people are unable to do that, so that's half the battle. I just think you need to hone in the technical side of things, which is something that'll come with time. You can't really teach people how to be creative or have good ideas (and it's not really something you can learn), but you can learn grammar and technical skills, so don't be discouraged. I'd recommend reading a lot and you'll learn through osmosis that way. Also, use Grammarly. The free version will help out with a lot of the basic errors and through looking at that you'll learn as you go.

I hope this helps! Keep it up :)

Ratground

I can't say much about the plot yet since I'm reviewing at 1 chapter, so I can't really see 100% where it's going and where the horror aspect is going to come into play, besides the fact that addiction in and of itself is horrifying. In that regard, I do think maybe the age rating should be 18+ since this story is dealing with a very adult topic. Even if there isn't any violence or explicit sex, just the world of drug use and such (if you're really going to dive deep into that, which I'm guessing you are) should maybe be for 18+ but that's just me personally.

Overall, I think the writing style is good. It's very narration forward, not a lot of dialogue or action yet, which I personally enjoy in stories. I like when authors delve deep into someone's thought process, motivations, etc, so in that way, this is very strong. However, I would think a lot of readers will maybe want to see more dialogue and action later on.

It's a great start and it'll be interesting to see where it goes from here. Good luck :)

Led By Sight

I love the name "Harlow" for a character, it's super unique. I think the story does move a little too fast, though, I honestly had a hard time following the plot and figuring out what was going on since it seemed to change so quickly. I think slowing down and maybe taking a more linear timeline approach might be more helpful (or simply having a shorter flashback of how whitney met her mate and the whole thing with pack membership) - which, on that note, I feel like I didn't really understand what was going on with the whole pack membership thing. I think more time needs to be spent worldbuilding, especially since each werewolf story is structured differently in how packs work and all that, so you can't assume the reader already know since other stories do it differently - so make sure you explain that a little better.

I did see quite a few issues with punctuation, especially where commas are needed but aren't there, but should be fixed with a round of editing.

Ultimatley, I think if you slowed things down, put a little more context into what their world is like, and maybe adjust the order of events, the plot and your writing style will shine through a bit better.

Hope this helps and keep up the good work!

Wild Knight Adventures

I've read 5 chapters of the book (skipping around slightly so I can get a good concept of your style), and I do like the plot. Admittedly, it's not really the genre I'd gravitate to, but you put a badass heroine in anything and I'm immediately on board. I was a little confused though - and maybe more context for this is given in the first book - as to, culturally, where this is all taking place. Her name, Jill, is a common English name and she says "wanker" which makes me think she's British. But then the cover shows her in what is a clear anime style and it seems they're (I'm assuming) speaking Japanese to one another. So... Where is this taking place? Is she a Japanese girl living in Britain? Or a British girl living in Japan? I'm a little confused - I think that needs to be fleshed out a bit, or perhaps I missed it since this is a sequel.

I also think this suffers from some showing vs. telling, especially in the first chapter (0) where you give us a run down of basically everything. I'd rather that have been slowly revealed, unless it's a recap of the first book, but if that's the case, the reader, generally, will have read that, so you don't need it. Focus on letting the reader come to certain conclusions, especially since it's 3rd person POV, your narrator should be unbiased. Describe the actions and the characters feelings and let the reader decide for themselves who is "evil" and who is "good" - it'll be much more engaging that way, I think.

Overall, though, I like your action scenes. I'm pretty horrible at writing them so kudos to you for doing it since I avoid them like the plague as a result of my ineptitude with it. Good job and keep it up! :)

The Ballard of Nightmares

I'm reviewing when there is only one chapter available, so as far as the plot goes, I can't say much since there hasn't been enough time for it to develop. However, I do think it's moving too fast, and we haven't really gotten to know Ballard and his mother and why she's being treated this way. Why should we care about them? What is this Curse? Can we get some backstory before we go on this quest? I think anyone can sympathize with a boy wanting to save his mom, but is this a situation like Anakin Skywalker saving his mom (which turned out horribly and sent him on a warpath) or is it like the Percy Jackson movie which cements Percy in mythical history (even in the actual myth Perseus does his quests for the sake of saving his mother). These are things we need to maybe parse out by getting to know the character first. Their situation, their family dynamic. Why should I care about his sister being left behind when I barely know anything about this sister? And why should we trust the doctor when he's clearly... Pretty untrustworthy? Does Ballard not think of this? These are all things that need to happen before launching into the main plot. What this story needs is some exposition. And I get wanting a more in medius res beginning, but if that's the vibe you're going for, maybe start out in the middle of the quest and have these parts be told in flashbacks? I think that'd be an engaging way to have a more action-forward start but still some exposition.

Overall, though, I think this can have the makings of a good story, you just need to really parse out your characters, slow things down, and prove to the reader why we should care. What are the stakes?

Great Start!

I think there is important social commentary laced into this story, the werewolf packs' views and arguments against gay mating reflect what we see spewed by right-wing media in our current society. In that way, I think stories like these are super important. I would say I'm not sure I'm the audience for this book since it's more geared toward a teenage audience (since the characters - I think, although it's never really stated - are in their early teens), so I'll do my best to review thinking of what I would have thought of it when I was that age.

The writing itself is good, although the story moves pretty fast and you give a lot away about the plot in the summary - I'd be a little more vague just to leave some room for the reader to figure things out as it goes along. And, SPOILERS, I also would have liked to seen some more courtship between Thea and Cam before deciding to run away. I think a good trope in any romance is forbidden romance and sneaking around to see each other, so you had a great opportunity to build some tension there. When Thea and Cam are separated, it's not as emotional as it could be because the emotional stakes haven't been raised, the reader isn't as invested in their relationship as they could be. I'd give it a few chapters before separating them, that way it'd pack a much bigger punch.

In general, I think that is the main issue I see with this is the pacing. Things need to be slowed down a lot more, really allow time for events to unfold, conversations to be had, emotions to play out. Let us form our own opinions on characters rather than being told "he's an asshole" - instead, give us a few scenes where he's an ass, that way, we're learning more about him and not only does the character hate him, we do too.

As far as the positives, I think you have a great plot on your hands. It follows a great romance trope with enough uniqueness to give it some flair. Your characters are interesting, and I've never seen non-shifting in a werewolf story before (granted, I haven't read a lot in a while despite me writing them lol) so that's interesting. I also think grammatically/technically, there weren't any glaring errors besides having long periods of text with no dialogue tags, which can make it hard to keep up with who is talking, so that would be something to fix.

Overall, though - Good job!

Excellent!

The writing is so rich and descriptive, it's almost like reading poetry at times. You can really immerse yourself in what's going on. Personally, I usually don't love descriptions of setting because I can find it to be boring, but the way you write it makes it engaging. The characters are interesting and I like that there are multiple POVS. This is just nitpicking, but I'd almost rather the chapters have actual titles and then the POV switches be in the chapters themselves (like in bold or something) - but that's just me. The style as I said is great and there are very little if any grammatical errors that I noticed. There are some punctuation errors with the quotation marks that I noticed, but nothing you wouldn't catch in a proof read or two. The plot itself is interesting and stands apart from other werewolf like stories tremendously, which is great. I can tell you spent a lot of time planning/researching for writing this story, which always makes the final product so much better.

Overall, amazing work and keep it up!

Needs Editing

I think the plot in and of itself is interesting and something I haven't seen before (which is rare for fantasy-oriented books), but the grammatical errors are hard to get past. There is even an error in the title (Correct would be "Death of All Things Magical"). I think this is the biggest issue as of now because it's hard to get into the plot when trying to read past the grammar, so some editing is necessary. Besides that, I think if you were able to improve on those technical issues, your actual writing style would be pretty good and the plot would be able to shine through more.

Good luck and keep it up!

Love!

Really well written, enticing plot, and great characters! Jun is likeable and not your stereotypical "morally gray" Alpha-type who doesn't care about consent. This is the kind of love story I like reading because it doesn't glorify abuse, which I see so often in this genre. Lilly is a strong female character without being portrayed as having no faults or weaknesses, which is amazing because women are complex and even strong women need help sometimes, just as strong men do, so I love your very real, honest characterizations of people. The plot in and of itself is interesting and exciting, I love the world building and think it's very well done. The writing style is beautiful and draws you in. There are a few grammatical/spelling errors here and there, but nothing you wouldn't catch with a couple proofreads and it doesn't take away from the story. Overall, incredible job and keep up the good work!

Needs Work

I think this story could use a lot of TLC. The dialogue is unnatural, there are points where the grammar issues are really hard to read through, and the characters are flat. I think the plot could potentially be good, but the technical issues make it really hard to enjoy it, especially since the dialogue makes up a majority of each chapter and the dialogue is the part that needs the most improvement.

As I said with your other stories, repair the dialogue, and then you may have a more captivating book.

Hope this helps!

Needs Work

I'll start off by giving my compliment: the style you write in is pretty good. It's engaging, immersive, and you describe things very well. I especially liked the chase/combat scene.

However, I have a lot of issues with the plot. The most pressing point is he man we're supposed to want her to fall in love with... Raped her. Yes, I'm using that word because he knew she was drugged and wasn't there by her own will, yet still had sex with her. It would have been one thing if he genuinely didn't realize she was drugged, then I could forgive it, but he literally says that he knows she wasn't there by her own free will and still decided to have sex with her?? That's rape. And I do not like the sexualization of rape in any context, especially since he never really apologizes or takes responsibility for it. He rapes her, yet this is a romance story where she's going to fall in love with him? It feels really icky.

Beyond that, the plot itself isn't necessarily unique from other mafia/billionaire type romances that I've read before. It's predictable, follows common tropes, and the characters are someone flat and one dimensional. I think you need to step away from the overdone structure of "broody morally-gray rich male finds girl who is plain" - I mean honestly, who tf would date a guy who says to her face that he's shocked he likes her because of how boring and below his standards she is??? There has to be some kind of redeeming quality, but honestly not much could redeem him from raping her.

There are also a lot of spelling errors, not a lot of grammatical ones it's mostly all word choice and spelling. Some of the punctuation is off as well.

Overall, I think the plot needs some major restructuring. You have the writing skills (minus some technical issues) but this plot does not showcase them very well. Think about what you specifically have to say that nobody else can - what story do YOU need to tell that hasn't been told before? What message are you trying to convey? I think asking those questions could help you fix this plot.

Keep it up and I hope this helps!

Needs Work

I think this book is stronger than the previous one I read since the plot is a bit more engaging and makes more sense, but the stylistic issues and grammatical issues are the same here as it was in the previous review. I won't got into detail again since my comments would be the same. The main issue is the dialogue. And in this book I specifically noticed that a lot of the verb tenses are incorrect (ex: you say "doesn't know" when it should be "don't know" a lot)

I think where this book is stronger is that the characters are a bit more believable. It does follow a common "mafia book" trope, so I think there is room to add some uniqueness here so it's not like every other mafia style romance out there, especially with the tragic past and being sold by her parents etc etc. But, then again, these tropes are tried and true and work for a reason.

Overall, I think the technical side needs work, but the plot in and of itself is pretty good. Keep it up and hope this helps!

Needs Work

To be honest, I had a really hard time following the plot. It all moves so quickly with very little rhyme or reason that I didn't know what was going on or why at any point. I think 1) you started the book off in the middle of the climax when you should start in exposition to give us an idea of who our MC is and what her situation is rather than in the middle of some kind of chase scene having her think "oh I live with these people in this neighborhood" since it seems out of place there and 2) you had a LOT happen in the first chapter. It'd probably suit you better to divide these events into chunks and put them each in their own chapter and then add a lot more detail to each event. For example: one chapter describing the weird phone calls happening for maybe days prior, second chapter being where she hears voices and freaks out, disconnecting the phone etc etc - And again, there needs to be a better build up because there isn't much suspense if everything happens right away and you can't really follow what's going on.

There are a few grammatical errors, but nothing too intense. I think the style needs some work. There's a lot of telling instead of showing, and sometimes you use large vocab words that don't really make sense in the context - it just seems like you grabbed a thesaurus to find a bigger word to describe a thing when the simpler version would actually make more sense - this is especially salient of the dialogue since, generally, especially when scared, people speak fairly simply. The most potent example of this is her saying "My boyfriend is imminent" - change that to "my boyfriend will be here soon!"

Overall, I think the plot could be good if drawn out a bit more so it's slowed down and we can really figure out what's going on. Hope this helps and keep it up!

Good!

I like the story overall, but I do have a few criticisms. First, some of the paragraphs are insanely large which makes it aesthetically hard to reach. Make sure you break those up so there's not a huge wall of text facing the reader. Secondly, I was confused about a lot of what was going on the whole time, and I think it's because there wasn't a lot of worldbuilding to set it up. Where are we? Is this earth? What are these demons and who are these to separate races? You sort of mention these things but don't ever really explain it, so it's a bit confusing and the reader is left to try to piece together a world they are entirely unfamiliar with, which is fairly difficult - so some more guidance/explanation earlier on in the story would help tremendously.

I think your characters are interesting, I especially like Nyla, and the dialogue feels natural. I think on the technical side it is pretty good and not a lot of grammatical errors.

Overall, great job and keep it up!

Good!

I think overall this book is good. I realize this is book two in a series so I kept that in mind when at points I was confused since I'm sure that's probably because I'm missing a lot of context. However, even in the summary I could tell that the plot was going to be a bit disjointed - you have a lot going on at once, seemingly not always connected and it doesn't always flow. For example, in the summary, you talk about a love interest then suddenly a case, but romance isn't even declared as one of the main genres yet it seems to be a bit plot point in the book. That was a little confusing to me because it made it difficult for me to figure out A) what the main storyline was and B) where we were at in the story at any given point. I do like the characters though and your writing style is lovely, albeit there are a couple grammar mistakes per chapter - but proofreading should help with that. My only other criticism would be that each chapter is on the longer side and then the book itself is 93 chapters - I would imagine that your average inkitt reader coming across this book is going to be a bit overwhelmed by it. I would honestly recommend splitting this into two books because, for whatever reason, people are much more willing to read two books that are ~40-50 chapters each than one book that is 90 chapters.

Overall, though, I enjoyed the story! My main point of advice would be to really figure out what you're trying to say and have that be the main focus, let the other storylines eb and flow along the main one but there has to be a common thread that takes the reader from the beginning to the end so we can take something away from the story when it comes to a close. What message are you trying to give? What is the "bigger picture" so to speak? I think that needs to be more developed.

Amazing work though and keep it up!

Adorbs

This concept reminds me of a book I read as a child where the whole thing is told from the dog's perspective and the doggy is reincarnated when it dies into different dogs and eventually in it's last life ends up being the dog of his first human when the human is an adult (literally, made me bawl when I was kid - for the life of me I can't remember the name, but its one of the few books that has stuck with me, so I appreciate the nostalgia you provided)

That being said, I almost wish this story was told entirely from our kittie hero's perspective! It's so endearing and fun and honestly can add a lot of mystery to the story. That's just my opinion though.

The plot is interesting, although I'm reviewing at four chapters so obviously I haven't seen too much of it yet. I do think the summary is too long, I'd shorten that a bit because you want to pull people in and that's often done with something short and sweet.

The grammar and punctuation needs some work, there were parts that were difficult to get through because of it - just doing some proofreading or using Grammarly would do wonders.

The writing style could also use some development, esp with describing characters. We don't need that much info about what she's wearing because it feels out of place in the text, esp since it's coming from a cat. Maybe mention a piece of clothing that the cat might specifically find interesting? You don't want to pull us from the narration by giving an info dump that's not necessarily relevant or something the narrator would attend to, so keep that a little more wrapped within the text.

Also, I think a bit more of showing instead of telling would be helpful.

Overall, though, I love the idea and think it's very cute and the plot is engaging, the execution just needs a bit of work. Kudos, though! And thanks again for the hit of nostalgia!

Raw

I feel as though it'd be inappropriate to comment on the writing 1) given I'm not a poetry expert and 2) the topics discussed

I will say, this reminds me a lot of a poetry book I published on this site when I was 16/17 filled with poems like this. I never experienced gender dysphoria or addiction, my poems were about depression and trauma, feeling like my parents and everyone around me hated me, and incantations of saying I'm ugly and worthless—just one big cry for help, quite honestly. I asked for reviews on that collection, and I wasn't sure what I was looking for. I got good ones, they said it was honest and telling, but I think people didn't know what to say when they read it, just as I'm not sure what to say to you now.

But I'll try to say something encouraging or maybe insightful. As I am now 22, years past my teenage self, who seems like a stranger to me now. I'm about to graduate college, still haven't been in a relationship (but that doesn't bother me the way it used to), and I have confidence and can say that I'm truly happy. I deleted that book of poetry because it reminded me of a time I wanted to leave behind, albeit it made me stronger and more appreciative of how I feel today. That's not to say you should delete this since, given this is a review, the writing is fairly good. But I'd be remiss if I didn't offer some light at the end of what seems like a never-ending tunnel and say the words: It gets better, trust me.

Therapy is important, I've spent the last four years working on earning my Bachelor's in psychology, so you don't just have to take my word for it - the research backs it up. I dealt with PTSD and have gone through CBT, EMDR, and plan to do prolonged exposure - for me, the CBT was most helpful for depressive/anxiety symptoms, and I'm hoping PE will help with the reexperiencing. I can't say enough good things about therapy, it really does help. It is important to remember though that healing isn't linear, in therapy things usually get worse before they get better, you have to do your therapy homework, and unlike a broken arm, you're never really cured of a mental illness - just in remission, so even now that I'm 22 and technically don't meet the criteria for PTSD (whoop whoop) I still have some symptoms and areas of my life affected by the trauma that I'm working on treating, and I go to maintenance therapy to keep myself in remission.

Hopefully, all this ranting from me can help you see that you're not alone. I too (albeit, I always have and still do LOVE Taylor Swift) am a metal-head who wore head to toe black to high school every day with thick eyeliner and combat boots (it was a look). That fashion sense has since faded, but I still listen to all those bands (highly recommend Beartooth. The dark cloud I felt hanging over me for years has faded as well, and now I can look back at my teenage self with new, more sympathetic eyes. She got me to where I am today, and I love her for it, despite knowing that that time in my life was truly terrible and a bitch to get through. And you'll get there, too, it takes time, work (and by work I mean therapy), and honestly a bit of growing up. Don't give up, you're not alone and it does get better - I promise.

In love

I am in love with the premise of this story - really really fun interpretation of the gods and goddesses. As a nerd of greek myth, I love (there are a few parts that kind of stray from myth and are slightly incorrect, so maybe doing some fact checking is important - but again a lot of myth is told from many different sources who have different accounts of things, and it's always okay to have your own interpretations. The only one I had a problem with was saying Artemis is a demigod b/c she is def not - in fact, Dionysus is a demigod who ascended to being a full god through his many feats to prove himself - and even still he's not always included in the pantheon) But I digress, either way, plot is great and super creative. I love seeing people's interpretations of the gods, especially since I'm working on my own endeavor doing a rewrite of the Iliad that will include the gods so its always fun.

Anywho, technically the writing is great, no complaints there. Didn't see any grammar mistakes that were major. It's engaging and interesting and the characters are well written and sound like college students. It'll be interesting to see how this plot develops, I'd love to see some sinister stuff be introduced (perhaps Haphaestus intervenes? Esp if you have this story coincide with when Hephaestus learns of Aphrodite's affair with Ares and traps her in the net)

Overall, love this book, very great job and keep up the good work!

Good Start!

I do like the plot of the book, it reminds of a Webtoon called "The Remarried Empress" (albeit two very diff mediums and the plots are a bit different) - however I do have a couple areas I think could be improved:

1) I believe this would be much stronger written in first person. From these chapters, it's not very dialogue heavy and a lot of the prose is about inner monologue/thoughts/feelings/etc and I think this would be a lot stronger if you told it from first person switching POVs. That way, the reader could really get a sense of what the character was thinking rather than having it come from a third party interpretative lens, especially since I get the idea that this book is going to be heavy in narration rather than dialogue/action driven. In this same vein, there could be stronger showing vs. telling (esp if you do write from third person)

2) there are a couple of grammatical/spelling errors, nothing some proofreading can't fix though. I also think the writing at times can be choppy and the paragraphs are extremely long, so breaking those up would be beneficial just aesthetically. Also, some of the chapters feel like they are starting off in the midst of a thought. Each chapter should give the reader a minute to settle into the scene (even if you do want to start with some kind of attention grabber, then right after set up what's going on. Don't just picked up right where you left off in the last chapter since it can feel a little jarring)

3) The plot is great, and I like that it does have a historical context (because it makes sense that there would be pressure on the king to marry someone else if the queen couldn't produce an heir, regardless of if he wanted another wife or not - I can empathize with both parties predicaments in this case, which gives you a good reasoning for why the reader shouldn't hate the king but also can understand why the queen is angry) I just think there needs to be something extra to set this apart from other stories like this. It's a common trope that I've seen in other contexts and even in other kingdom-type stories, so what sets this apart? I understand if that'll be revealed later in the plot, but I think giving the reader a little something extra up front so they know it's gonna be unique to other stories they've read is important - even if it's in the form of a prologue that doesn't come back until much later in the story.

Overall, I think you have a good idea and good writing skills in general. I think if you can just improve on those three general areas, this will go from a good book to a great one.

Good luck!

Good Start!

As requested, this is based off of the first two chapters (well, technically chaps 2 and 3 since chap 1 is author's notes)

I will start with the negatives because it's always better to end on a positive note. My first main criticism is the paragraph spacing is very strange. Some paragraphs and huge walls of text are really hard to read aesthetically. I recommend not having more than maybe four-five fingers length of text per paragraph. Additionally, the spaces between paragraphs are large, if you can I would shorten them.

Furthermore, I think the first chapter might be better if you split it up into two since it feels very long and like a lot of info is being given right away, it'll be easier to digest as two separate thoughts in two separate chapters (I think inkitt recommends 1000-2000 words per chapter, so I would stay along those lines if possible)

I believe someone mentioned this in the comments, but you do tend to repeat yourself in sentences. For example, someone might say "I ate an apple. When I was eating the apple, I thought the apple was good." In that way, I think the writing style has room for improvement.

On the positives though, this very much gives me Matrix vibes without feeling like a matrix copycat. It feels complicated like the matrix, but that's kind of the point I assume. It's an interesting plot for sure and the reader likes Eric straight away because he's clearly a good husband, so you're building sympathy for him in the first few sentences - which is perfect. Gotta raise the stakes for the reader or else they won't care what happens.

Ultimately, I think your idea is great, the execution could just be a little cleaner. Good luck and kudos!

Nice!

I really like the story. It took me a while to understand the plot and the only criticism I have is the backstory could maybe have a bit more showing vs. telling us the whole thing upfront. Maybe something triggers a memory? Maybe we get it in bits and pieces throughout the first few chapters?

Either way, I like how the characters are written. It has a nice pace as well. Good job!

Amazing!

I'm writing this review at three chapters, so I can't comment too much about the plot since obviously it's in its begging stages but so far it's amazing. You've created Noah to be both sympathetic while leaving room for us to root for Elias. Your writing is impeccable, very well curated - good descriptions. It elicits emotion, which is the most important thing in a story. The only thing I might change is the intimate scene between she and Noah, it goes by very quickly (which I think was your goal in some capacity, but if it is going to be done in like less than a minute, Freja shouldn't finish - I also think that might add to the point your trying to convey -> Noah isn't putting the effort in anymore)

Other than that, I loved everything. The dialogue is believable, I'm excited to see her confrontation with Serena, there's a good element of mystery with her cutting her lip/breaking the glass that separates this from other stories of this nature.

Usually when I write reviews, I don't finish the stories - but this one I will certainly be anxiously awaiting each update.

Good Start!

I think overall I would have given the story 3.5 stars, but since I didn't think it quite deserved 3 and we can't do half stars on Inkitt, I opted to overall give it 4.

Starting with the plot: I think the enemies to lovers trip for vampires and werewolves is, as you probably know, very common. I've read a lot of stories like this before, but they work, so I can't really knock it can I? I'm hoping you maybe bring something else in to make it a bit more original, but the story isn't complete so I guess that remains to be seen. All in all, for plot, I would suggest you bringing in some other factor to make this stand out from the rest of the stories that follow this same trope.

For style, you clearly have a very laid back, almost conversational writing tone. I like it, but sometimes it can get almost a little too casual. For example, you add a joke about her being 3 feet tall and say "she ain't a hobbit" in the first chapter, and I think that would turn a lot of people off to this story unfortunately. It just doens't feel as professional, esp since it's not first person. That kind of tone would almost work better if this story was from a first person point of view, but from a third person narrator, I'm not sure if it works as well. I think you can keep a more casual, laid back tone, but I'd maybe dial back a little bit to make it sound better, or change to first person narration.

Also, I think there is a lot of telling in this story rather than showing. i want to figure things out about how the world works and who these people are/how they react rather than being told. So, that's something else to maybe look back on.

There are quite a few grammar mistakes, especially with capitalization, so a couple rounds of editing would be helpful to tighten things up a bit since the mistakes do take away from the story as a whole.

Some positives I want to point out are that I enjoy the strong female lead. Hate when female leads are depicted as weak, feeble minded, etc, so I like that she's a badass who stands up for her beliefs and I hope you keep her that way. I just wish there was a bit more mystery in their developing romance (a will they won't they that you sort of give away in the journal entry in the first chapter) so I think that could be maybe held back a bit more as mystery and tension.

All in all, good start! Hope this doesn't come across mean or anything, and of course take everything with a grain of salt! Good luck!

Good Start!

I like your style, especially liked the description of her fiddling with the necklace while she was in the library, I thought that was a super cool way of showing that. I enjoy the plot, although it does mirror that of many I've read before, so I'm hoping something else comes in to sort of set it apart. You do have really cool fantasy characters, although they're all introduced very quickly because the plot moves very quick (which isn't necessarily bad since I get that you want this to feel overwhelming for her, but it would be nice to maybe have it be a little slower)

There were a lot of grammar mistakes that took away from the story, so I think a round of editing is necessary. Your actual technical style is great, but it's hard to enjoy it when some of the verbs are in the wrong tenses and such. So I'd use Grammarly or maybe have a friend read through it to help fix some of that.

Overall, I think it's a good start! I hope there's something that will be revealed in the plot later on (since this review is only at chapter 6) that will set it apart from other stories with a similar plot, but we shall see! Good luck!

Great, but Needs Editing

I really like the plot of the story, I think it's intriguing and does follow some common tropes in the romance world but hey if it ain't broke don't fix it. I really hope Lucas isn't going to be abusive to her in any physical sense b/c those kinds of stories that feature abuse that turn into love, especially with a female protagonist who has already been victimized, it's a bit yucky so I'd caution you on how you write Lucas as far as him being an ass but not abusive. I do think the story has a good pace, I would've like an indication in the third chapter that we were looking at a flashback since I was extremely confused at first thinking that was taking place after the wedding (so maybe putting it in italics or some kind of heading??)

There are some grammar mistakes that do take away from the story so I think going back and editing with Grammarly or a beta reader would be helpful. Overall, I think this is a great start!

Beautiful Writing

This is a shining example of pretty language. It's super eloquent and fits the time period of the narrative in that it is fancy and not at all how people speak today, which helps put the reader in the mindset of the time. Your grammar and style are impeccable and I don't have enough good things to say about it.

Heres my one criticism, though. The plot is very difficult to follow. I found myself having to reread a paragraph three or four times to try to understand what was going on. Not to toot my own horn but I'm a pretty smart person who reads a lot, so if it was hard for me to follow, then it'd probably be hard for a good chunk of people too. I think it might be a bit of the show vs. tell thing. You are on the opposite side of where most writers fall in that you're relying so much on showing that it's hard to follow because sometimes you do have to tell readers a bit of what's going on. This reminds me of professors when they are so clearly passionate about what they teach and are experts in their field and vastly smarter than the students that they can't "dumb it down" for the masses to understand. I think you understand and know and are passionate about your story so much and have such a high understanding for it in your head that I think you may need to "dumb it down" in a sense to make it clearer for us since we aren't in your mind and don't understand the story as well as you .I'm not sure if that analogy makes sense at all, but it's all I could think of.

Overall, very great job! I just think if you want this to be a book your average Joe could understand and follow, you may need to simplify it a bit.

Great bones!

I do like the plot of the story. It follows some tropes that are fairly common in werewolf type stories, but it's different enough that it's not cliche. Someone else mentioned this in another review but I'll mention it again: The paragraphs need to be broken up. Huge walls of text are extremely hard to read and immediately turn readers off, no matter how good the actual writing is.

I also think this plot moves a bit fast and there's a lot more telling than showing. For example, there could be ways that you show us that her step father is abusive and that her relationship with her mother is strained rather than simply telling us it is. For example, she can maybe bang into something and hit a bruise and then recall where that bruise came from.

I also think the ****** separators are a bit confusing since I'm not sure what they represent and they seem to be everywhere. I'd like to see longer periods of the POVs rather than having it be one paragraph as one person and the next is a different person. That way it doesn't seem so rushed/too fast paced.

Overall, these are easy things to fix (except maybe the showing v. telling thing, but that's something everyone, including myself, does) so just going through and putting those changes in can vastly improve things. You got the most important stuff right, so keep it up!

Excellent

I was very moved by this and I like how you let us figure things out through the story without explicitly saying it - this is an excellent example of showing vs. telling. Really leaves you thinking afterwards, which are always the best kinds of stories. Only thing I would say is I think instead of having all your short stories as separate books, I would combine them all into one collection of short stories and then have each chapter be a different story. That way it'll reach more people! All in all, excellent work and I can't wait to see what you say about my story since you're clearly a very talented writer and I'd love your advice!

Great!

I really liked it overall. The plot reminds me of Inception a bit, but it's still very original. I like all the characters and it was a little difficult for me to keep track of everybody, but that's okay the only way to really ease that is to have less characters or introduce them more slowly, but that's just a personal preference. The only real criticism I have is you have these large blocks of just text and sometimes when you just see a wall of words it's easy to lose your place when you're reading, so I'd try to break up the bigger chunks just to make it a little easier on the eye. Great job overall though!

Pretty Good

I'm going to echo what some of the other reviews have said - Please please please put in paragraph breaks. Nothing turns off a reader more than a wall of text. It's overwhelming and makes it difficult to find your place if you lose it, so just add some paragraph breaks to make it an easier read and that will do so much for your readers with just some spaces.

As far as the plot goes, I agree with some of the other reviewers that it's good, but rushed. I have the same problem when I write where I get so excited about the climax and have a vivid idea of what I want it to look like in my head that I rush through the rising action so that I can write what I'm really excited about. You have to make sure you don't do that because it doesn't give the readers enough time to really be invested in your characters/ story and you miss the chance for some suspense/buildup - which is the most important part of a horror/thriller novel

There were also a couple grammar/punctuation/capitalization errors throughout the story, so I'd proofread a few times to catch those. You can even use Grammarly, the free version will catch all the simple stuff.

All in all, I think this has the bones to be a good story, you just have to put a little more meat on it.

Really Sweet!

I really enjoyed this story. It does follow a lot of overused/popular tropes in romance books, but y'know what they say: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I do like that it's not overly sappy like a lot of romance books are, the only thing I might say is the dialogue could be slightly more realistic. These are teenagers after all, so I'd expect there to be a little more slang/less formal or grammatical speaking. I think as writers there's a lot of pressure to make everything grammatically perfect, but people don't talk that way - so in dialogue, I think it can be useful to have sentence fragments, run ons, incorrect verbs etc. But that's just be nitpicking.

Since it's only the start of the story, I'm expecting that some more juicy drama will come later, so for rising action this is a really great plot so far!

Overall, really good story!

Great!

I have to say, I usually don't read stories like these (ironically since the story I'm writing is a fantasy novel). I'm a pretty strict Stephen King style book reader, horror is my jam and if not horror then I like romances; so I don't know if I have much to comment about how this book compares to other fantasy novels since my experience reading this genre is the Twilight books.

I did like the plot though, albeit it is a bit complicated at times; it reminds me a bit of "It" in that sense that there is a lot going on, which some people might not like but I really enjoy.. I think the characters are well developed, although my criticism with that would be there are a LOT of characters. Like Game of Thrones level a lot of characters to the point where I have a really hard time keeping track of who is who and what they're doing because there's just a lot. I think perhaps taking out some characters that aren't as crucial to the story might be helpful? Story plots to me are like a river, you don't want to just have a straight river down the center with no current and no danger (cause what fun would that be?), but you also don't want raging rapids with thousands of twists and turns that the story is complete chaos. I'm not sure if that is a good analogy, but I think you know what I mean. Although, a lot of people like stories like this (Game of Thrones is one of the most popular book/TV franchises in history after all), so take this with a grain of salt I guess.

There were a few moments in the story where you used past tense verbs instead of present tense, but not enough for it to be a recurring problem (so just look out for that when you edit). I couldn't find any spelling or grammar mistakes that were obvious, but a great way to check for those (since the human brain will correct them automatically without actively noticing them) is to use Grammarly, since the computer won't have that same human error we do. The basic version (which is free) should be enough to find the small mistakes with commas and spelling, but the premium version helps with passive voice and eliminating overused words (which I've been finding super helpful in my editing process, so figured I'd share with you)

All in all, I think as you've said this novel has already proven to be a success and so I think you have a lot to be proud of! I'll be happy to see this on New York Time's Bestseller one day or on the center table of a Barnes and Noble! Good luck and keep writing!

Really Great!

I love the plot and the characters and the brewing love story. I think a lot of romances set in high school can be very cliche (no pun intended on the title haha) but this one has enough twists to that cookie cutter plot to make it an entirely different and unique story to tell. I would like to see a little more development for Naomi and Dimitri, even though they seem to be the villains of the story.

There are a few spelling/grammatical errors, and I'd recommend using Grammarly to help with that - it helps me a lot and makes the editing process much faster and catches things that the human eye might miss.

The other criticism I have is you write in the past tense when the story is happening in the present. For example, instead of saying "Was English class supposed to be this boring?" say "Is English class supposed to be this boring?" Another more generic example would be "I sit" instead of "I sat"

Hope this helps and you have a great story here, so you should be very proud!

Needs Some Editing

Firstly, I do like the plot of this story, albeit it's a plot that used a lot in romance stories, but y'know if it ain't broke don't fix it. I like the characters, they certainly talk like college students (which a lot of writers who write young people totally miss and make them sound like grown ass adults rather than college students, so you got that nailed). There's just three main problems I have:

1) There is nothing more scary looking that writing that is just in one big block paragraph. I opened the first chapter and thought "dear lord". It's just not aesthetically pleasing, can make it hard to keep track of where you are in the paragraph/sentence, and can be overwhelming. You need to separate into smaller paragraphs and lines.

2) I saw a lot of grammar problems, mostly the use of "you're" vs "your" , and so I think some major editing from the grammar/spelling side of things needs to be done because people notice grammar errors and it delivers a bit of a "shock" if you will to the brain when we process those errors that jolts the reading experience, hence why it's really important to fix them.

3) A lot of writers struggle with showing vs. telling, and this story does a lot more "telling" rather than "showing". It's not as bad as some other ones I've seen, that's for sure, but it needs some work still. You want the reader to figure things out about characters themselves by leaving subtle hints or by an internal dialogue that's more true to what happens in life (our inner dialogue is very rarely so literal or so forthcoming, since we already know these things about ourselves so we wouldn't reiterate it in our mind). So I think that to grow as a writer that's something you need to look into style/plot wise. The other two are very easy fixes and just have to do with physical structure and grammar, which you can easily fix by using grammar/spell check websites. The showing vs. telling is something you're going to need to put more effort into though, but sooo many writers (myself included) struggle with that, so you're certainly not alone!

Really Great!

I really enjoyed this story, the plot is good and the characters are interesting and I think there is just enough secrecy on what's going on to keep the reader interested but not too much that the reader is just flat out confused. Great job!

My only criticism is that this story hits on one of my pet peeves when I see writing on here: Writing the whole story in italics. It hurts my soul a little bit whenever I see this because as a psych major one of the things we learn about in cog psych is linguistics and how people process and produce verbal and written language. Most of the meaning we get from words/sentences doesn't come from the semantics but instead comes from prosody (which is how we say the words like cadence, sarcasm, stressing certain words, tone, etc). Because of the nature of written language, a lot of the meaning when someone is reading something has to come from the semantics because you aren't speaking it, which is why italics can be extremely useful in providing the reader with an idea of what something means, especially in dialogue, beyond the semantics. For example, take the sentence: "I didn't steal the purse." If I italicize "I" versus italicizing "steal" those two sentences have entirely different meanings and interpretations; thus is the power of including prosody in writing; hence why I die a little when writers don't take that opportunity by italicizing everything. So that'd be my only advice is use the italics to add even more depth to your story!

Beyond that, great job!

Spookyyy

I LOVE horror books, Stephen King is one of my all time favorite writers since I'm so obsessed with the horror genre. This book definitely gave me that good suspenseful, pit in your stomach feeling as I was reading. I really like the plot and the characters are relatable. Only two critiques: The dialogue is a little choppy and not natural, I feel like teenagers would be cussing/not speaking so formally. Also, there are huge paragraphs that I think you need to separate out just for aesthetic reasons. When people look at a page and just see huge paragraph after paragraph they can get overwhelmed and start skipping through, so to make sure readers read every line make sure you separate paragraphs (they shouldn't be more than maybe two three sentences per chunk, unless it's a monologue that you can't really separate). But that's only for aesthetic appeal. Besides those two things, great story!

I Love the Idea

Alright, so you've got a great idea. I love that you're talking about an issue that does scare a lot of people and it's very relevant and I was immediately gravitated towards the plot since I can relate to it since I'm growing up in this "Trump America" dynamic. Although, I found the sentences a little choppy and not very descriptive. I could've used a little more backstory on the war and what happened and stuff like that. The dialogue is good and the characters are believable, I just found the writing choppy and I think it would help if you had less simple sentences and replaced them with compound/complex sentences to add more detail and so it flows more. Other than that, I like it!

Loved!

Hey! I really liked this story! I love the plot and I found myself able to relate to the character. Only criticism is I can tell that u write fanfiction (my writing is the same cuz I wrote a lot of fanfic) so it's structured a lot like a fanfiction which is good, but not as "professional" as a novel. Though I honestly really liked this! I love how you began every chapter with a quote, that's super unique :)

The Vampire Ambassador

I think in general, the plot is decent. I'm looking for something that separates it from other stories of this genre though because it follows very popular/somewhat overused tropes. In that way, I could easily predict everything, and you want to keep your readers guessing. At the time of this review, though, there are only 12 chapters, so maybe something new will be thrown in there later to set it apart. I also think the character's emotions are a little unrealistic. They get over/get angry about things like... Super easily and their emotions flip flop within a sentence. Like, if I'm soulmates with someone, and suddenly I disappear and they just kinda... Take my evil uncle's word for it ??? Like weird drink potion involved or not, I'd be pretty fucking pissed and probably wouldn't get over it so quickly. But also, on the other hand for him, if he genuinely believed this was the truth, I'm not sure he'd change his opinion so quickly. It might take more convincing for him if he really felt betrayed by her. So, in that way, I think some of the emotional part of the story moves too fast. They fall in and out of love like it's going out of style.

The writing style I also think would benefit from showing rather than telling. There is also a lack of sentence structure variety that can give a choppy feel to the narrative, so I think adding some more variation to that would be beneficial.

Technically, I didn't notice many issues, just some with grammar. And, this is a nitpick, but if a new character is speaking, that should be a separate paragraph. So instead of it being:

He says, 'I hate pickles." Which earns a giggle from her. 'That's so weird,' she replies

It should be:

He says, "I hate pickles." Which earns a giggle from her.

"That's so weird," she replies.

This is especially important for like larger bits of text/description between dialogue tags because you can lose track of who is speaking, especially if the second dialogue tag comes after the piece of dialogue. So separating those with a paragraph break will give an indication that someone new is talking automatically

Overall, though, good job! I think you have the bones of a good story, but just work a little on plot/character development along with the showing vs telling and you'll be golden. Good luck :)

The Alpha Meeting

I think in general, the plot was good. I found that the chapters were a little long, honestly. You might be better off splitting the first couple of chapters into two. You'd have more chapters, but having those huuuuge chapters to read can lead a lot of readers to give up midway, I think. Esp since the first chapter is like that.

As far as the plot goes, it's interesting. I do find that sometimes the emotional aspect is a little unrealistic. *spoiler alert* Like how does she literally not care at all that Demetiri has been in love with another woman their whole relationship? And he doesn't care or ask questions when she very easily takes off her ring like... Idk it feels like a very convenience way to make her seem like less of an asshole for cheating on him. I get wanting to save face for your MC, but I feel like having the emotional damage happen to Demetri because of her actions rather than like giving an excuse for neither of them to care would be a better way to go. Then we can really see the consequences to her actions and what she had to lose to move forward in a sense. So, in that way, I think there is a lack of realism and trying to tie it up with a neat bow rather than leaning into the emotionally dark parts of the story, I think.

As far as the writing style, I thought it was pretty good. You have good descriptions. The sex scenes could've been a little better, they seemed to move a little too fast for my taste because sex just isn't that quick (at least good sex that produces orgasms isn't lol)

Technically, I didn't notice many/any errors, so good job on that.

So, overall, I think some of the plot could be edited to have higher emotional stakes and maybe more realism in that sense. I think my main point with that is make the characters a little more realistic and lean into their emotions. People, unless they're like psychopathic, aren't that apathetic about things. No matter how stoic they are.

Kudos though for writing a great, engaging story, and good luck on the sequel :)

Cold

Firstly, I think the plot is pretty good. It does move a little slowly for my taste, but it is interesting enough to keep interested even if the pacing is a little off. I'd maybe shorten some of the chapters and combine them together since I get that you need the backstory and whatnot, but gotta introduce the stakes earlier on to make a reader want to keep reading. Also, and this is small, I think the prologue gives A LOT of information right off the bat having three different time slots that we're learning about. I'd narrow it down to just down, probably the first since that's the most enticing, and just develop that into a really good hook to get the reader interested, the rest is information we can learn later on through other flashbacks. But if you have that much right in the beginning, it's a little overwhelming.

For the style, the actual writing is good. But you tell instead of show a lot. You'll say "I feel anxious" rather than showing it by having her say something or do a physical behavior that indicates anxiety. You can even have another character say, "Hey, you look axious" - that's showing rather than just telling the reader. Don't just tell us her backstory and what she looks like etc, have us figure it out throughout the narrative.

Overall, though, it's a great idea and checks the boxes for a successful romance novel. Good work :)

White Orchids

I love the plot of this story! It reminds me a bit of that Disney movie Soul and somewhat of the Christmas Carol story just in that you're having representations of death and what the afterlife might look like. It's really cool and I like how you've devised it because it's a very unique take on what is a fact of life for us all. In that way, I think you have a very engaging story.

However, I think the writing style leaves a bit to be desired. You use a lot of simple sentences, making the narrative sound choppy and not flow as it should. For example, you'll have sentence strings like: The dog ran. Then the dog sat. Then the dog licked my face. I laughed. (this obviously isn't an example from your book, I'm just making it up to demonstrate the point) - This structure makes it sound very choppy, so I think adding more compound/complex sentences and really playing around with language to give a better flow to the writing would be great. Also, I think sometimes there is a lack of setting description where there could be some. Remember, this is a place the reader has never seen before, so you're describing a completely imagined person and setting - really bring us into your mind and what you've imagined because it's really cool.

Overall, though, excellent job and kudos on a great story!

We Are Not Alone

I think overall this story is cute! It reminds me a bit of Elevation by Stephen King when reading the summary, which is cool. I think the pacing is a little slow and some parts of it feel a little strange in that like *spoiler alert* why is there not a bigger reaction to him maybe being pregnant? Like I figure that would warrant a trip to the hospital and they're just kinda like hmm oh well. So I think maybe some of that needs to be changed cause it does take away from the suspense.

As far as the writing style, it's nice, as I said the pacing could be faster to really reel us into the plot sooner and you could use flashbacks to talk more about their relationship. But overall, it's very nice. Kudos :)

Sinful Treats

Truly, I have no words. Very well done. Sexy, dark and taboo (without being like a gross kind of dark that exploits sexual trauma like SOOOO many erotica books do, so thank you), and also has an interesting plot aside from the sex (which, for me, when watching porn or reading erotica is very important for my enjoyment of it, as it is for a lot of women, so good job!) Just overall very well executed. I'd be interested in seeing non-erotica work you have too since the writing on this story is THAT good, I feel like you'd be great in the horror genre - something super macabre

Kudos and have fun writing the rest!

Appolonius

Overall, I think the story is interesting. I tend to be more interested in romance when I read fantasy, so this was a bit different than what I normally like, but it was still really good! I think the summary doesn't do it justice, but other people have commented on that so I won't harp on that point.

For the plot, it's certainly interesting. I just think the pacing could be slightly faster as far as maybe starting off right in the midst of the action rather than going into his backstory, since we can get that any time during the story, so get us started with a hook.

As for the writing, I think the chapters are somewhat short. You could do a lot more to lengthen those scenes and make them a bit more immersive. It has a very journal-like feel to it as far as the narration goes, which I think can be nice and make first person more personal, but it also tends to fall into the show don't tell trap if you have that kind of tone, so be aware of that.

Technically, I didn't see anything major, so good job on that!

Congrats overall and keep up the good work!

A Brighter Light

I think as far as mafia-type stories go, there are parts that are original, but it does follow a lot of tropes that we see in these types of stories. So, in that way, it's not very different plot-wise from a lot of other things I've read. I'm hoping this'll maybe change as things develop, but also these tropes are popular for a reason because they work, so no need to reinvent the wheel. I just do think maybe it needs something more to set it apart from other stories in this genre.

As far as the writing style goes, it's nice. I do think you need to tell instead of show, especially when talking about backstory. I think it'd be better done if we sort of found out through dialogue and flashbacks how things were in their childhood rather than being told it all upfront pretty much. I almost think you'd be better off starting off with the second chapter as chapter 1 then having the information in chapter 1 sprinkled throughout.

Other people have mentioned grammar and such, so I won't harp on that point. I'd try out Grammarly if I were you, it's super helpful for me and catches all the issues for you which is nice.

Overall, I think it's nice - the story, even if it uses common tropes, is engaging and interesting and the main characters have a lot of personality (maybe not so much the outside characters, they are a little flat, especially the father as of right now). So keep it up and good luck :)

Saving Phoebe

I think overall, the story is really good! The summary could use a little work, it was slightly confusing - and that's something you want to be very clear and straight to the point. I also don't think the prologue is necessary, it doesn't really add much suspense-wise since it is so short. I think you'd be better off going right into the first chapter, since it has a good hook more than the prologue.

The plot in and of itself is really cool. I like the idea of these two kids meeting again after a mysterious incident and then it slowly coming out. It reminds me of "Little Fires Everywhere" honestly, which is awesome. Only critique would be that the drama is slightly like middle school/high school-ish. College students, in my experience, just don't act that way unless you're at a super super small private school or within a sorority/fraternity. And on one hand, I understand that her having sexual trauma is part of her character especially the CSA and those traumas do tend to compound each other, but it seems like a new person is assaulting her like every chapter, and you might be better off keeping it to one or two antagonists. Cause the revenge plot with Phoenix is good enough and then having the sort of backstory that comes out with the main "villain" in that and then another more present-day villain is enough. The other stuff just feels like overkill a bit, but that's just me.

I think for the writing style, you'd benefit from more showing rather than telling. We get A LOT of backstory information from sort of journal-like narration where it seems she's talking to us about who people are and what they did. I like the use of flashback a lot more than that, so I'd lean into using that for all the stuff in the past and then express the rest through dialogue. It just feels sometimes that I'm not really in the scene as an observer happening real time, but more having it recounted to me by someone - so I think changing that up so it feels a little more immersive would be good.

Technically, I didn't notice anything, so good on that!

So, overall, great job, very original idea, interesting characters and relationships. Kudos :)

Only a Half Blood

Overall, I think the story is good! The plot is engaging, the characters are a little flat but still interesting, and the writing itself is well done.

I saw another review that mentioned this so I won't belabor the point, but the plot is lacking somewhat in originality. It's very similar to other shifter-type stories I've read with the halfblood trope (but it is nice to see a main love interest not acting like a total ass, even if Cody fills that role lol). In that way, I do think the characters are somewhat flat. We don't get much complexity with the more side characters and the pace does move a little quickly. I also agree that the scene where she finds out Drew died is lacking in emotion somewhat, esp from the officers. I feel like if I found out someone I loved died tragically in a car accident and the cop treated me like that, I'd lose my sh*t.

Other than that though, I think the actual writing is pretty good. Even if it is a used plot, it's used for a reason - because it works. (No need to reinvent the wheel, right?) So I think this has a chance to be really good if maybe a bit more development is done on the characters and putting emotions in the text.

Good job though and good luck :)

Repudiated One

Inkitt is being super weird and not letting me post the review here, so I'm going to try this then copy-paste my actual review in the review comment lol

Mystery of Silk Waves

Interesting. Good work.

I Am Not Okay

I think the writing in and of itself is beautiful. Very well done. Descriptive, great imagery, almost Taylor Swift-esque in the wording you use (it's giving Folklore and Evermore haha). But I have to say the plot is a little rough for me. I understand this is a book about depression, but each chapter is essentially the same. After reading the first five I didn't really want to keep going since it seemed like every chapter was pretty much the same. There was no plot really to drive the story forward and keep me wanting to read. There has to be something underlying that so that the reader will turn the page, because it felt very monotonous to me (which I understand is what depression is like as someone who is in remission, but that's why depression sucks - so making reading a book feel that way is not gonna get people to turn the pages)

In that way, I think the plot needs development. What could be some interesting sub-plots? What is the overall plot and how can we maybe increase the pace of that so the reader is more engaged? How do we differentiate these chapters to make them stand out from one another and each do something to drive the story/the plot forward? I think these would be good questions to ask in order to develop this. Or, if this is what you want to stick with, I'd change it to being more of a "memoir" style. Like a "found footage" situation, but make it a journal. And even with that, you can turn it into a sort of psych thriller where you can see a descent into madness or something like that. Again, getting people to turn the pages.

Overall, the writing is really great and you have the technical side of things really honed in and on lock, it's just the plot of this could use some work to make it more interesting/engaging. Great work though and good luck! :)

Xzavier

When I started reading I was a little nervous. Being an SA survivor I'm always a bit skeptical of stalker-type stories because I'm instantly worried that that kind of behavior is going to be sexualized in a way that's y'know damaging and not good to be sexualized, but this story tows the line very well. It's certainly taboo and dark, but it never goes to a point of sexualizing behavior that would be wrong to sexualize - so good job for keeping that boundary with this kind of subject manor and still keeping the dark theme.

The writing in and of itself is really good and well done. Great showing and not telling, the dialogue I found to be especially great. I love that Kelsey and Xzavier and two very distinct voices to show they're different people, that was a very well done.

I do think the world-building for the vampire lore maybe needed to be introduced earlier. It's a little confusing and we're only getting a small taste of it when we're a few chapters in and still not really understanding it. I don't think you need to lay all your cards on the table right away, but it takes away from the romance aspect of the plot slightly to be really confused about what's going on with the vampires and at least setting up parts of this world and how vampires work in general (if not his specific story) so we can get our bearings and have some context.

Overall, though, this is a really great read and good luck on the rest!

Dream Life

I'm reviewing when there are only 2 chapters, so I can't say much about the plot yet since it hasn't had a chance to really develop. However, I think you need to amp up what you have in Chapter 1. I think the prologue is unnecessary and doesn't really add to the story or pull me in, so you're better off going right to chapter 1. And I'd set us right into the meat of things. We don't need a laid out backstory for Ripe since these are facts/memories you can weave into the narration. Show don't tell I think is what I'm getting at.

There don't appear to be many grammar issues, but as I said there are only two chapters and they're both short so it's hard to tell at this point.

Keep it up and I think if you fix some of the stylistic stuff you could have a good story on your hands!

Game One

I'm reviewing at one chapter, so I can't say too much about the plot because it hasn't had time to develop yet. However, based on the setup, it looks like it's going to be a tried-and-true romance "brother's best friend" type story, which is great. No need to reinvent the wheel, and hopefully the author will bring in something to give it a unique flair to set it apart from other stories of this genre.

As far as the writing style, I think it suffers from telling instead of showing. And the pace is super fast. We barely get to settle into the setting and who our MC is before we're introduced to the love interest. I'd love to get more of a setup about what is going on around her and what her life is like to create a bit more anticipation for when the love interest will arrive. Also, when she describes the love interest, the way she describes being attracted to him also feels a little fast. Then again, this is a romance so it's not abnormal for things like this to happen, but I'd like to see a bit more realism/slowing things down in that regard. The chapter is super short and a lot happens in it. I feel like for what happens in this chapter you could separate it into three and really take your time to set things up and create some engaging characters/setting/and tension.

For grammatical/technical stuff, I didn't see many errors - Again, this is the first chapter, so there's not much to go on. But it seems good so far.

All in all, I think some stuff with the style needs to be addressed, but technically and plot wise, you're good to go. Good luck!

Unbound

I really enjoyed reading this! I found the plot engaging and the characters were interesting. It's also a fairly original plot within the werewolf genre where usually so many tropes are over used. I like the idea of a life debt, it def makes sense and you did a good job with the world-building. My only nit-pick might be that I think the primary genre should be fantasy instead of romance. It just seems to me that this is definitely a fantasy forward story where the romance is almost taking a bit of a back seat and, eight chapters in, not much has developed with it and the main things that have developed are fantasy-related plot thickeners. But that's just me. It could just also be a pacing thing in that the story is moving a little slower for my liking (albeit I understand the need to build tension) - but I think it could benefit from maybe being sped up a little bit because too much tension building can just make readers give up/lose interest.

Overall, though, your writing is excellent, I don't see very many grammatical issues if any at all, and it's very unique. Good job and keep it up!

Love it!

I really love what you've done, your writing style is engaging and so is the romance. I sometimes get frustrated with stories if it takes foreverrrrrrrr for the romance to start, so I like that you don't make us wait too long. My only criticism is I think the prologue is somewhat unnecessary and you'd be better off just showing that through a flashback or maybe having it be in conversation with someone else.

Ultimatley, though, this is a great story with a lot of originality, so I commend you. Keep up the good work :)

Excellent!

This has been a super enjoyable read. A lot of the times when I give reviews, I'll skim through a few chapters, but I found myself reading every single word of the 4 chapters available at the time of this review. The prologue does exactly as it's meant to. I think a lot of stories that include prologues don't need them/they don't add anything to the story, but that is not the case for this story - so kudos. I also think you have a strong first chapter that sets the scene of our characters and their relationships with one another, and we love a good action scene. There's also an element of mystery you've added in in multiple layers, which gives a lot for the reader to wonder about. Grammatically, I didn't notice anything substantial or really much at all, so good job.

The only criticism I have is a small one, but during the interrogation with the cop I was a little confused as to the questions that were being asked. Maybe that's because I don't know much about Park Ranger lingo, but that conversation was a little hard to follow and I just couldn't understand what was being asked or why, so maybe a little bit more clarity in that conversation would be helpful (even just adding more dialogue tags there cuz I found myself losing track of who was talking)

Overall, though, this is an excellent story. I'd give it 10 stars if I could. Highly recommend this to anyone who wants something new/different on this platform, since this is definitely super original in the wolf-genre (and I'm anxiously anticipating when the romance part takes more of a front seat, since that's what I'm a sucker for!)

Interesting

Just a warning for those reading, there will be SPOILERS in this review:

I think the plot is interesting and very unique. It does remind me of that movie Megan that came out recently. However, there are parts that are super unrealistic. Like how this kid is brought into the house, screams he hates the dog and the dog ends up murdered in the house (which, word of warning, some people - including myself honestly - will NOT read books/watch movies where dogs die, so maybe make it a cat or another animal instead lol) and somehow... Nobody suspects him? Like I feel literally anyone with a brain could put two and two together, so the fact that the parents aren't sus at this point is strange. Also, the adoption process in and of itself takes months, sometimes years. No way Joshua wouldn't know about it since usually the entire family has to meet a child and interact with them under supervision before an adoption can happen, especially if a child is coming from a foster situation or orphanage (which many older children who are being adopted are) - albeit, I understand there may be more to this than the readers know at this point, so we'll see since I'm guessing Jessie is not a normal child so this was likely not a normal adoption.

Furthermore, the scene with the police at the school... Josh is a minor, he'd NEVER be questioned without his parents, let alone in a school - he'd be taken to an interrogation room in a police station where they'd have cameras and most likely a child advocate to oversee the interview. And if they did do a polygraph on him (which is unlikely since he's under 18) it'd be structured yes or no questions that he and his parents would have to give consent to take.

And, again, I find it SUPER hard to believe that at this point, given that this new kid fighting with Aston the same day he ends up dead wouldn't be a red flag. I feel like that'd be the first person police would look into, esp since he's a new kid and if this is a small town (which I'm not sure) that's exactly who they'd look into first.

And on the same vein of realism, I do find that Joshua at times acts young for his age but also older for his age. I saw another comment about how he acts his age, but I guess I disagree. It comes out less in the later chapters and is more prominent in the dialogue in chapters 1 and 2 where he seems to speak more like he's in middle school than a high schooler.

Realism aside, though, since we must suspend some reality for the sake of fiction, I find the curiosity and mystery in Jessie to be intriguing. I do wish it were slowed down though. I mean, Jessie is piling up bodies faster than Gary Ridgeway, and I think in books with horror elements those things need to unfold slowly rather than being thrust right into it. Lets see some more creepy, innocuous things happen with him first before we go right to murder (even serial killers start by being voyeurs and thieves, usually)

Overall, though, it's a very original idea and I commend you for that, and the characters are interesting and there is a good amount of mystery being built. I just think if you work on the aspects of realism that'd make this story even better.

Really Really Good

Excellent plot. Interesting characters. Engaging style. A few issues with grammar, but nothing you couldn't sort out over a round of editing. I don't have much to say, it's really great and there and the romantic tension oozes of the page. There's also enough other things going on in the plot to make it more than just an enemies to lovers story, which I love. It'll be interesting to see where things go and how the quote in the summary comes into play.

Excellent!

I really love the concept of this story, and the first chapter is very strong. There are a lot of grammatical issues that do, in some cases, take away from the story so proof reading is necessary - but the overall style despite that is really engaging! I think one thing that could improve the plot is reconnecting to the original group every once in a while. How did they react to these stories? What do they think? is there anything spooky going on as they tell these stories (as in, are they in their own little horror story?) - I think that would really make this stronger and give more of a thread to follow through the whole thing rather than it being a compilation of disconnected pieces.

Overall, though, excellent job, and great idea!

Great!

I think overall the work is great. Your style is engaging and the plot is interesting and the characters are interesting at this point, however it's only 5 chapters so I can't comment too much about their development since there hasn't been much time to see it.

My main criticisms would be that the last three chapters were much stronger in pacing and worldbuilding than the first two. I found myself lost throughout a lot of the first two chapters and I think mainly it's because a bit more explanation of 1) where we are and 2) who are all these people is needed earlier on to give context to later action. I also think the last two chapters are paced the best whereas the first three jump around quite a bit and go very fast, which I think also contributes to some of the confusion. That, to me, is the main criticism I have.

Additionally, I think some of your use of vocab is almost too advanced. Your average reader may not know a lot of the words you use and sometimes using very specific vocabulary can just come off as superfluous rather than a necessary addition of a larger, more complex word that gets at something vastly different than what the simpler word may say. I like to use advanced vocab somewhat sparingly in my writing so that, when I do use it, it stands out and is necessary. What I do to test this if a simpler word would be better is I'll write the sentence with the advanced word then with a simpler word and if the two sentences essentially mean the same thing with either word, then I go simpler. If the meaning changes or is qualitatively different with the more advanced word, I keep it. So, that's what I would recommend.

I also made a comment on the last chapter regarding Valen's relationship with Don. As you know from reading my book, I'm no stranger to writing a male character who has less than savory actions with their love interest in the beginning and will then go through some redemption to not be like their father (which, even though it's not discussed in the first 5 chaps of my book, is the reason Dionysus acts the way he does) so I won't say I hate their relationship and it certainly doesn't fall into some stories I see where they completely glorify abuse/sexual assault in a gross way. I only caution to not have Don forgive him immediately. Make Valen work for it and really redeem himself because I think that can be a really strong arc and interesting plot point.

Overall, I really enjoyed what I've read and I wish you luck in completing it!

Good!

It certainly gets the job done. My only criticisms is it jumps around a lot, you use separators sometimes where there shouldn't be. Like in the hog tie one he's telling her he wants to do this then suddenly divulging his trauma and crying and I was like woah wtf where'd this come from. I feel like you should use time jumps sparingly in erotica because sex is all about staying present, so pulling someone away and jumping around doesn't facilitate that feeling very well. I would try to have no more than 2 time jumps/separators in each one shot.

Furthermore, each piece of dialogue that comes from separate people needs to be it's own line. This way, you don't confuse who is talking.

There were a few grammar mistakes, but nothing awful. I think overall it does what it's supposed to do and the stories in and of themself are interesting. I also love the emphasis on consent! I read so many eroticas where consent is purposefully made to be gray or someone doesn't care and they sexualize the fact that there's not consent and I despise those stories, so thank you for doing the right thing and depicting hot sex as how it should be: completely consensual.

Overall, good job, I would just work on those time jumps because that's the main gripe I had. Keep it up!

Needs Development

I think the overall feel of this book is similar to a fanfiction - I used to write fanfic and so I can recognize it usually when I see it. I think the plot of the book is nice, but it's lacking a bit of flair - what separates this from other romance novels with the same plot? I think it certainly follows tried and true tropes, which is good and makes it engaging, but you could use something extra to really set it apart.

The writing style is a little rough, there is more telling than showing which is something that needs to be worked on. I think the dialogue is a little strange and doesn't sound natural or realistic at all. What guy is just going to go up to some random girl and start sputtering off cheesy pickup lines? That just doesn't happen and takes away from any realism the book could have. There are also quite a few grammatical issues, but mostly punctuation.

Overall, I think the storyline is okay, maybe a little basic, but it's engaging and the characters are ones you can root for, but the style of the writing needs some work. Good luck and keep it up!

Need Development

Okay, before I begin, let me start by saying that writing a book in an of itself is insanely difficult, so kudos to you for getting this much on paper (or I guess screen? I'm not sure) and publishing it. Everything I'm going to say is meant to help, so bear with me.

Firstly, my main thing is the technical aspects. The dialogue methodology is strange to me, which I commented on one of the chapters. It is incredibly difficult to keep track of who is speaking with that method. You also have chapters where there is like pages and pages of just dialogue and no text or tags to break it up. Are they just standing there still with flat-affect delivering this speech? Are they not moving or reacting the whole time? Those are things you can include in dialogue tags. Such as: I gasp, taken aback by what I just heard. "How could you say that?" I reply, my voice breaking by the last word, a tear threatening to spill from my eye.

See how that is much more effective than just - How could you say that.
I think fixing that alone would do a lot to enhance this story and you could really layer in a lot more emotion and movement because right now all the dialogue feels static and hard to follow.

Secondly, there is a lot of telling instead of showing. What guy is just going to admit to this girl's friends that he is in love with her? Show us that he is still in love: Maybe his eyes are trailing after her and her friends notice and catch on. There are a lot of good resources out there to help with this since it's a common problem in writing.

Lastly, the plot is a little hard for me. If she's graduating college, she's 22, and if all this went down eight years ago that means she was 14.... Meaning it was a middle school romance. I find it extremely hard to believe that an adult would still be mad about something that happened in middle school as children. Yes, you may still be upset about it and have scars since it does suck, but it's honestly a little immature for her to keep holding this against him when he was also literally 14! My suggestion to make this more believable: Bump up the age and decrease the time between when this happened. For example, maybe he starts working at her same job when they are 26 and this all went down in college 5 years ago? That would make a lot more sense why she would still hate him. Also, I think the plot needs a bit more spicing up: There needs to be a secondary storyline going on besides just them getting back together and having a few roadblocks along the way. I've read a thousand stories like that - so what sets yours apart? I think that's something you'll need to search for because there is a good plot here and there is a lot you can do with it, but it needs something else to really make it unique.

I do really like the characters though, her friends are very funny and I think the plot (if developed a bit more) could be very compelling.

Keep it up!

Amazing!

I really enjoyed this read. It's engaging, emotional, and romantic. The romance isn't immediate, which I like, however for me personally, it is pretty slow. My only grip with this story tbh is that the primary genre listed is romance and the secondary genre is action, however I would argue that this should be flipped since the action themes take a bit more precedence over the romance - however that really is my only criticism and that's nitpicking. Along this critique, I would say that potentially the first chapter could be switched around or maybe a prologue added. The first chapter doesn't necessarily signal to me that this is an action book or a romance book. It's certainly necessary exposition and provides a lot of character detail for Liam, but I think it would serve better as a second chapter or potentially the first chapter after an action-packed prologue that's maybe a snippet from the middle of the book. Again, nitpicking.

The style is great and there are very few grammatical errors if any at all. You describe things in wonderful detail and the way you convey characters' emotions is raw and empathetic. I especially appreciate the way you showcase Liam's PTSD. I have many family members in the military and I myself have PTSD after my own trauma, so I know what that's like, and you described it in a way that isn't stereotypical/insanely dramatic as a lot of people envision in their heads, but is vastly more subtle and isolating. This just goes to show how well you can get into the minds of your characters and that both their strengths and weaknesses are specific, yet relatable - I was able to see myself in a character who, on paper, is really nothing like me.

Overall, I think it's a compelling story, action packed, and a cute/emotional romance. It's a tear jerker for sure.

Amazing job and keep up the good work!

Love it!

I really enjoyed this story! The plot is cute and isn't rushing too quickly, which is a problem a lot of romances have. There's a good balance here where it's slow enough that it's believable but not so slow that it gets painstaking/boring. The characters are fun, but my only criticism is Darren doesn't seem to have any flaws. Keshi clearly has self esteem issues, but Darren is this seemingly perfect guy - so I'm hoping that we'll see a bit more of his flaws come out since he is human after all. I enjoy the plot, however if this romance is the only story arch in the book I could see it getting monotonous, so I hope there is something added (like smaller story archs spread throughout as we go through the main one) to keep it interesting. I love all the facts about Kenyan history and culture spread throughout too, I can tell you put a lot of thought into this. Also, the writing style is beautiful and technically very sound. I only saw one or two grammatical errors, so nothing crazy. Very engaging style, thick descriptions, and enticing characters. Awesome job and keep it up!

Interesting Idea

I think the idea you have is really great and could be a lot more if developed a bit. I feel like the story is a bit rushed and maybe that's because you sort of boxed yourself into a short story motif. However, I think you could still have a short story if you didn't want to develop it into a full novel that would give us a little more. It's hard to make something feel terrifying when it moves so quickly. I can't really sit in the horror of her being a little girl when I only read about her time as a little girl for a couple of paragraphs. If I were you, I'd write maybe ten chapters and have them each be a night she experienced through different stages of her life - that way you can really delve into the idea of this ghost being a manifestation of her sadness and insecurity, becoming louder when her confidence fade and quieter when she feels more at peace and one with herself. I think her being triggered by her grandmother's death alongside his tapping enough to commit suicide doesn't necessarily fit. How do we know this ghost is evil? I think that part can be fleshed out a bit more since I'm not convince she shouldn't let him in - what is her reasoning for that? Why is he so scary aside from a strange appearance? It seems that when he tells her her grandma dies that the comforting her, so why is that something that would push her over the e edge? Is he lying?

Honestly, what I think would be more eerie is if the parents come in, find her, and notice the window open - now that would cause a good amount of dread. If you really wanted to run with this idea, you could tell it from multiple perspectives - multiple children plagued by the same ghost (maybe in the same town - one could be our MCs bully, etc) and they each respond differently. That may take you from a short story to a full novel but that'd add a good sense of terror and different responses to it - Almost like "It"

I like your writing style and there aren't many grammatical issues, so those skills are there. I just think the plot could be slowed down and potentially expanded to really give us a thrilling/terrifying experience.

Overall, really awesome idea and you have the technical ability - so run with it!

Good!

I like the idea of different love stories, but it was a bit confusing for me trying to figure out what this story was since initially I thought it'd be a collection of short stories, but now it seems like it's a series you are writing. In that case, I think the chapters could be shorter - they feel very long which can be overwhelming for a reader.

I also think a bit of worldbuilding would be useful. There is power in not explaining everything upfront and showing details rather than telling, but I think you have gone too far on the leaving things to be figured out side. I was super confused honestly during the entire thing because at first it felt like they were adults because she's running a sort of business, but then I was like wait are they in high school? I think the role of magic could be explained a bit better sooner just to feel a little more grounded in the story since I kind of lost some of the romantic aspect while trying to figure out what the heck was going on.

You do have interesting characters though and they sound realistic to their age (that is if my idea of their age is correct lol) and I find it interesting how you have incorporated Japanese culture into the story - I find that sometimes people will write stories that take place in other countries/feature characters of another culture and they just miss it completely or present caricatures

I like your writing style overall, it sounds nice and there's not many grammatical or spelling errors

Good job and keep up the good work!

Awesome!

I really love the plot and your writing style is excellent. The characters are interesting and there's a good amount of humor in here that breaks up the action but doesn't feel cheesy or ofrced (*cough* marvel movies *cough*)

I like that Agatha isn't some helpless damsel who needs a man to rescue her all the time, but she's also not a flat character in the sense that she's too badass. I find that writers either write female characters as entirely helpless or so perfect they never need help (or most egregiously they write that the character not being helpless is a flaw and only when they learn to love the male character are they a good person *gag*) - so I appreciate that this story portrays a female lead in all her complexity. And it's refreshing to see a story where a male and female can go on an adventure and there's not a romantic situation between them

Your writing is very captivating and your worldbuilding is interesting. This usually isn't the genre I'd read since I'm not super into steampunk type fantasy, it is very elaborate and creative. It doesn't remind me of anything else I read, which is a good thing - means your idea is unique

Overall, awesome job, can't wait to hear what you think of my story - and keep up the good work!

Incredible!

Wow! I'm very impressed. The writing is captivating and very descriptive, it's the kind of writing I wish/hope I can get to in a couple of years. The characters are well fleshed out and the changes they go through feel reasonable rather than rushed. I love how the plot moves, it's not too fast but not so slow that the reader becomes bored. I predict that this book is probably the more romance-heavy one of the series to set up the more fantasy related stuff in the next book(s) - for me, I love romance books so I don't mind it, but for people who like fantasy more you may need to add a few more elements/plot points of that in here - or if the second book is more fantasy-focused, you could combine them into one since this book is on the shorter-side. There are a couple grammar mistakes here and there, but honestly nothing that is super obvious or takes away from the story. I did find that some of the paragraphs were extremely long so aesthetically they were hard to digest, so I'd consider breaking those up or taking out anything that is redundant.

Overall, really incredible plot, engaging characters, and beautiful writing style. Keep up the good work!

Excellent

There's not much I can say, this story is excellent. It reminds me of Game of Thrones without feeling like a copy of it. The writing is beautiful and visceral, and I enjoy the characters so far. It'll be interesting to see how the plot develops since we haven't gotten to the point that the summary describes, but so far it's fascinating and pulls you in. Very rarely do I continue reading stories that I review, but I will def continue reading this one.

Kudos!

Needs Work

I think the premise is pretty good. It's interesting enough, I'm waiting for something more to come in to really set it apart from other mystery type novels. But it's hard to get through with some elements of the writing style. All of the sentences are simple sentences, meaning thee's very little variation and it sounds very choppy. Commas and semicolons are your friends, this book is dying for a little bit of variation to break up the prose and make it sound more natural.

Also, there's is an issue with showing vs. telling in this. You tell rather than show, which is a common issue among writers.

Technically, the dialogue tags need work since some of them are placed awkwardly or incorrectly. And along with that goes the sentence structure issue - that is the biggest problem I see with this book since it's hard to get into the plot when it doesn't sound good coming off the page.

Overall, I think you have a good idea, the execution just needs to be improved, and it's a pretty easy fix. Just go in there and add some variation (combine sentences!) Good luck!

Great Start!

I like the plot and worldbuilding, as an older reader (and by old I mean 22 but you know what I mean haha) I'm not sure if I'm the specific audience of this story, but when putting myself in the mindest of someone who probably would be your audience it's very fitting.

I think some of the grammar and technical aspects could be improved, but that is something that takes time and a lot of proofreading/editing - the style can also use some development. You tend to reiterate or repeat things a lot. Within the first paragraph you use three sentences to convey the idea that the teacher is serious about talking, when really only one sentence about that would suffice. Don't want to beat a dead horse, as they say.

Overall, though, it's a good start! Kudos and good luck!

Good Start

I like the story, but I'm waiting for something to set it apart from other romances - to give it some flavor because as of right now there's no... Contention.

I will also say that the characters do not speak/act their age. As a college student about to graduate who has (fortunately and unfortunately lol) went out with MANY a military man of this age, we/they simply do not act or speak like this. It's true, military guys are notorious for wanting to get married, but honestly they act like children. They really do. 22 year old men are just... hot messes, and so are 22 year old women! Albeit, some of the dialogue feels like they're speaking like teenagers, which is also not how college-aged people speak or act. There needs to be a bit of a balance between everything is super serious while also speaking like they're in high school.

The romance also moves super fast, despite her saying to take it slow. I def think it needs to slow down and be more of a slow burn, add some give and take, make him chase her or vice versa, give them some obstacles. It just feels too... Perfect? I just need something a little more spicy to thicken up this plot.

Overall though, the writing is good. Some technical errors but not a lot and it has a good flow, it's just the dialogue that could use some work and that's mostly because of characterization. (This is also a side note, but if she is a Psych grad, she'll def need to go to graduate school cause you literally can not do shit with a bachelors in psych (trust me, I know lol) so I feel like she would have already applied to grad programs or would be taking a gap year, and if she wants to be a therapist or work in mental health you really cannot be moving around when you do that, so that's just food for thought)

Kudos and good luck!

Great Start!

Let me start out by saying: What a cool fucking idea. Very rarely do I come across stories where I hit myself in the head and say "gosh, why didn't you think of that!" and this is one of those moments. Extremely creative, I literally can't say enough good things about this plot! I'm not super familiar with Norse/Christian mythology/religion, but I am a Greek/Roman myth nut (and actually plan to do my own retelling of the Iliad, but that's neither here nor there) so I can appreciate how much work goes into stories like this since you have to read up on source material to be familiar with the characters since they do represent something much larger than normal characters do - so kudos.

That being said, I wish the writing itself matched the badassery of this idea. Not to say that it's bad at all, it just needs development. And it'll come with time, just keep practicing and keep reading other works by other authors and edit edit edit because this idea is wickedly good

Overall, you're halfway there - just hone in those technical skills, the showing vs. telling, the paragraph spacing and grammar/spelling - it'll all come with practice. I didn't start getting halfway decent at writing until my like 15th book after about 10 years of consistent writing (and I still have a lot to work on), so keep it up!

Kudos!

Very Good!

I like the plot, it's very original and gives Game of Thrones/Lord of the Rings vibes without feeling like it's a copy or not an original idea/world in its own rite. Rikar is a compelling character, and the prologue was used well - very clever that we're literally reading a book...within a book. There are some parts of the world building that could use clarifying - esp for the folks like me who don't read this genre often. I also feel that the romance aspect could be a bit stronger, but I feel this book is much more about the fantasy/adventure genre rather than romance whereas my writing is all romance so that's usually what I focus on - so take that with a grain of salt.

Overall, very lovely writing - compelling and emotional. Some of the dialogue is choppy at times, especially exclamations, but nothing that takes away too much. I really have enjoyed reading this.

Kudos!

Needs Development

I think the overall plot is okay, but it moves sooooo fast. One minute, she's talking to a guy at a bar, and within three lines she's having sex with him and within four more lines, it's over and they're asleep. The plot needs to slow down a little. Let us sit in a scene for a while, separate into multiple chapters if you have to to give us that detail. I found myself feeling a bit of whiplash trying to keep up with what was going on, and I didn't have time to really care about the characters enough while the plot was thickening because I didn't really know them/spend that much time with them yet.

My other main criticism would be that while these characters are young and everyone swears and swearing in dialogue I'm 100% on board with, the amount of profanity is overused. I do refer to my friends as "bitch" sometimes, but not every time I speak to them, it just sounds overdone. In my book, just like when you're talking, profanity should be like seasoning. Adding a little spice, but not overpowering the flavor of the food itself. Gotta have a good balance.

The positive is that I didn't see very many grammatical/technical mistakes, just average types and comma stuff, so kudos for that. The writing style besides the dialogue issues is pretty good, but it's hard to appreciate it with the story commencing so quickly.

Overall, don't give up! You have good bones here, just need to take your time and let things flow. Good luck!

Good Start!

I'm writing this review with only one chapter available, so I can't say too much about the plot since it hasn't had time to develop yet. However, it seems interesting. I think the writing style can be improved. The story moves very quickly, we don't get to stay in one place for too long which makes it feel like we are jumping around. I think more exposition would be good. Let us see her in her normal life, that way we have more sympathy for her and angst against the princess when she steals. It feels like that could be something good to build up to in maybe the third chapter after we see her with her family and working at the palace and get some more backstory. That leads me to my next point of showing vs. telling. Don't just tell us her family is poor, let's see an interaction with her mother where we learn her father is dead and they're in debt. Describe her living conditions, a look of stress on her mom's face. This raises the stakes of her being fired. I also think it'd be worth diving a little deeper into the backstory of the kingdom, how that family came into power, etc to set up a bit more world building before we have an evil force come in.

I think this could be a great story, it just needs to be slowed down a bit -take your time to build the world and your characters before diving into the meat of it.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Good start!

I really love the plot of the book, it's engaging and pretty unique. You have a really great idea here, but the writing needs to be improved to do it justice. There are three main areas that I noticed need improvement:

1) Pace. This story moves EXTREMELY fast. I think you need to slow it down a little bit, let things play out much slower so the reader can digest what is going on.

2) This is the biggest one: showing vs. telling. You tell us rather than show us what is going on. There is a lot of just explaining things rather than letting someone's dialogue or expressions infer it. There are a lot of resources on the internet that can help with this since it's a very common issue with writers

3) dialogue. The dialogue is pretty chopping and unrealistic and all the character's have the same way of speaking. It needs to feel more natural and flow a bit better. People very rarely state their intentions point blank, so having more nuance is necessary.

Also, there are a lot of grammar mistakes in here, so I'd recommend proof reading that or using something like Grammarly to help. I think improving the grammar would go a long way in fixing some of the dialogue issues because a lot of it sounds choppy because of the grammar.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Good Start!

I'm reviewing with only one chapter so far, so I can't really say much about the plot or character development since obviously it hasn't had time to develop yet. The writing is good, no huge grammar mistakes. There is a lot of telling instead of showing though, this has a journal feel to it which can be good, but can make it harder to immerse someone in the story if they feel like it's all in the past. I would try to show the reader things rather than just telling them, that would enhance this a lot. It was also a pretty short chapter with large paragraphs, so I'd recommend dividing the paragraphs up a bit more just to make it aesthetically easier to read as well as just making the chapter longer. I think Inkitt recommends 1000-2000 words per chapter

All in all, good start!

Needs Development

There's only two chapters at the time of reviewing, and I would recommend before writing more you may want to do some editing.

First, the largest problem I see is there showing vs. telling. You tell us everything rather than showing us. That's the biggest problem I find with this book. It also seems like you're telling the story backwards whereas the summary makes it seem like the plot will be them sort of falling in love - I think you can use flashbacks or have a prologue where she's in the future, but this back and forth is very confusing and it takes away from the mystery.

The punctuation needs work and all the dialogue tags are "he said" "I say" so some variety is necessary.

The biggest issue is the showing vs. telling though. There are a lot of blogs/information online you can read about showing vs. telling, so I would recommend doing a google search and just researching a bit different ways you can implement this.

It also might be helpful, if you haven't already, to create a story map. What are you trying to say with this story? What is the overall plot? What is the development in the characters and when? What is your message? It feels like maybe some more development at the drawing board needs to happen.

Ultimately, I think this can be good. CEO stories are very popular on this site, but you have to 1) make your writing style/plot unfolding more captivating and 2) give us something that differentiates this from the rest.

I'd be happy to update my review once you have implemented some changes/maybe a few more chapters have been added. Good luck!

Good Start

Firstly, I'll start with something you're probably already aware of - the grammar and spelling needs work. I would download Grammarly, the free version would help you a lot.

I think the plot is decent, but it's a trope I've seen a lot before in stories on this platform. I think it needs something to differentiate it from the rest. These plots are used a lot for a reason, becuase they work and so for that reason it is engaging, it just needs something extra to really set it apart - convince me why I should read your story instead of the other ones of this trope.

The style is fairly good, in some areas the dialogue feels a little strange and unnatural, but I think someone pointed that out in the comments already (I would definitely follow the advice Eugene has commented, it's all things I agree with 100%)

I think what you have done well is create a good character in Harry, he's very likable. Diana is likable as well, and I enjoy that she's not helpless like some female characters are made out to be - however, it is confusing when the title of the book is "Weak" and the female character doesn't reflect any of that? I would maybe workshop the title a bit (and change the cover so that it's not the same as your other book)

I also think some of the chapters could be longer, either by consolidating two chapters into one or simply adding more detail/action to each chapter. The average chapter should be about 1000-2000 words (I think that's what Inkitt recommends as well) - I get the feeling that some of these chapters fall into that range, but some of them feel very short

Overall, keep on trying - I think the first step is fixing the grammar and Grammarly would really help with that! Good lucky!

Good Start

I'm going to be honest, I couldn't get past the first few chapters because of the style/grammatical issues were hard to read past. Firstly, the paragraphs need to be spaced. It's extremely hard (especially on a virtual platform) to read a wall of text, so I would recommend changing up the formatting to make it a big more palatable. Also, there aren't any quotation marks, so I have zero clue when people are speaking.

There are also some extremely short chapters and I'm not sure if that was a mistake or if they're meant to be that way? I think overall the story needs to be a bit slower and more fleshed out cause it moves extremely fast and there is a lot of telling instead of showing. I think letting the reader figure some stuff out on their own and letting the plot move much slower and delving more into the inner dialogue would be great.

I saw some other comments about the tone of the story being casual, and honestly I didn't mind too much. i think you could make it a bit more formal to just make it feel more like I'm reading a book rather than someone's diary, but honestly I think it adds character.

I think the idea in and of itself is good. I just think the execution needs to be fleshed out a bit more, especially the grammatical/spelling/formatting stuff because a lot of people will click away as soon as they see the big wall of text with no paragraphs. So that's an easy fix that would do a lot for your book!

Overall, good job and good luck! Thank you for sharing!

Good Start!

I think the plot is intriguing, it is different than other werewolf books that I've read before (and I've read a lot lol) so I think that's definitly something you have going for you. You have a good message to your book, which I think is important for anyone seeking to write it so know what they're trying to say through their piece and I definitly get the sense that this is a story about redemption and rehabilitation.

That being said, I do have a a few criticisms. I think you could do away with the prologue, it's not really necessary and doesn't add anything. Plus, I think the first chapter is a much better hook. The chapters do go quick and jump around, it felt like 15 different things happened in the first chapter and I couldn't really keep track of what was going on since it was all happening so fast. I would recommend slowing things down, describing more, adding more inner dialogue maybe so that the chapters are longer and have less big events in them. Generally, when I write, I trying not to have more than maybe two major conflicts/events at most in each chapter, if there's more than that then it's going too fast or you're not spending enough time developing what's going on.

Also, I'm no in love with the trope of romantic partners changing the violent tendencies of another. I think it can be problematic in some senses, especially since domestic violence is so prevalent, so I would caution you to be careful how you write their relationship dynamic. It's not Arche's job to "save" Silas from violence. I also recognize that Silas has been a victim himself, so that adds to the complexity. What I'm trying to say is I want to see the change come from within Silas with Arche's support, not Arche trying to fix Silas and like being his therapist etc etc b/c I think that can be unhealthy.

Overall, I think you have a good idea and a great message, it just needs to be fleshed out a bit more in the execution. Thank you for sharing!

Needs Work

I think this is a good start, and anyone who can get this far in a book is doing a good job. But honestly, the chapters are each a paragraph which doesn't leave much development for the characters or plot. It moves fast, the characters aren't all that multi dimensional. There are also a lot of grammar and spelling issues, and I think the tone is too casual. It feels like journal entires rather than a book. Not sure if that's what you were going for. I think fleshing out the plot and characters more would be a good start. No need to rush, and do more showing rather than telling. Let the story unfold slowly and naturally and spend some time making the chapters longer and more complex. Good luck!

Great Job!

I think your world-building is really good here and the plot is original. The movie it reminds me of is on the tip of my tongue... But alas I can't remember. Like the strong female character of Amber (we love representation of badass female warriors!!!) and Ethan is an intersting character and you do a good job of building mystery around him. There are a bit of grammar mistakes, so I think you need to go back and fix those because they do take away from the story a little bit. But nothing a round or two of editing can't fix!

Overall, great job! Usually I leave really long reviews, but since I don't have many criticisms, this is short and sweet :)

Good!

I think the plot is engaging. It gives me Beauty and the Beast vibes, but a little different and that movie is a classic for a reason (tale as old as time some may say lol) I think the characters are interesting, maybe a bit underdeveloped since the story is moving so quickly. I also think there is a lot of telling instead of showing in this book, so maybe letting us figure some things out rather than just telling us would be good.

There are quite a few grammatical errors, but nothing a round or two of editing couldn't fix.

The one main criticism I have for this story is that I likened it to Beauty and the Beast because it contains a lot of the engaging elements of that story... But the problematic ones as well. Personally, I don't like love stories where a woman has to "save" or "fix" a man from being violent and beastly. It just sets a bad precedent that leads to women staying with abusive men because they think their love can save them and that it's their job to do that ("thank you Disney" I say with utmost sarcasm). I just don't love the sentiment or plot device because what this man really needs is therapy. Say it with me sisters: You are not your boyfriend's/husband's therapist. If you're giving him therapy, charge him $200 an hour sis. I can kind of tell that this story might contain some physical or sexual abuse in the future (however it hasn't yet so I'll be optimistic) and I just can't get down with stories that have that in there as a redeemable quality y'know. I want to see the beast make some steps to change for himself and for her (coming to this conclusion on his own, not her forcing him to or anything like that because nothing is sexier than a man who chooses to go to therapy so his partner doesn't have to once they break up lol), not her having to convince him or be his salvation. I don't know, I just think as authors we have a duty to put out stories that spread good messages to our readers (esp since this type of book will have predominantly young female readers) about relationships and what love looks like. Queens, if he's acting like a beast, leave him, don't try to fix him.

Overall though, I think this is a good start! Good luck and thanks for sharing!

Good!

I liked starting off with a fight scene. It can be a bit cliche, but it certainly gets the job done when wanting to pull readers in right away. I was a little confused by how the chapters were structured, but that may just be me. The story is also super super long, I would recommend maybe splitting it into two books to make it more palatable.

I didn't see many technical issues, so good job on that. As far as the plot goes, it's good, you definitely put a lot of effort into creating the world. I would have liked to have seen less info in the blurb since I think it gives too much away. I think all in all your style is a lot of telling instead of showing, and maybe that's because I'm used to writing and reading first person, but even in third person I would have liked to have seen us having to figure more things out about the characters through their actions/dialogue rather than them telling us or the narrator telling us. I did feel that some of the dialogue was robotic somewhat and didn't feel super natural at times.

Overall, I think it's a good start! Working on a bit of showing instead of telling and working on the dialogue would be good for the editing process. Good luck and thanks for sharing!

Great!

I'll start with my praises first: I really like the language of the book. It certainly makes you feel like you're in a different world, maybe even time period, which fits the culty feel. I loved the names of the characters and they fit the story well and were super unique. Your writing style is good and I didn't see any grammatical errors or anything like that (at least that I noticed). The plot is interesting, maybe a bit slow at times, but original.

A few criticisms:

First, the disclaimer rubbed me the wrong way a little bit. As an agnostic, when I read it it felt like you were saying Christianity is the only truth in the world and it was very much geared towards not offending Christians... While kind of offending everyone else. I think since you describe them as a cult in the blurb people are going to assume the leader is full of shit (as cult leaders are) so I'm not sure if it's something you really need to include, especially since any non-Christian readers will be turned off by it. I almost didn't want to keep reading since it just left a sour taste in my mouth.

Secondly, I think some of your chapters are a bit long. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but on this platform, I think people are used to shorter chapters (2000-4000 words) so I'd maybe split up some of the longer ones. That's just me though, some people may like longer chaps

Lastly, I really really wish you would have started the book off with Selma totally believing everything the cult said. Based on my research of cults (I haven't dived in extensively, but I have read a lot/listened to a lot of podcasts about them) it takes a long long time for people to come out of the spell. There's a really famous example of The Seekers that psychologists wrote a book about called When Prophecy Fails where they coined the term cognitive dissonance. Essentially, a couple of researchers "joined" a UFO cult that believed aliens were coming on a certain day (some of the members included intelligent doctors, lawyers, normal people, etc) and then when the spaceship didn't come, they all kept believing the cult leader, even though she had been proved wrong. The psychological programming is REALLY strong in these types of cults, and usually members have to go through cult deprogramming therapy before they can recover from the ideals, and even that usually doesn't work. It's one of those things where once you're in, it's so so so hard to get out. This is for a couple of reasons: sunk cost fallacy, being born into the cult and that being all you know, being young and impressionable, fear tactics, starving/sleep deprivation strategies, using children/marriage against the person, using religious fear/sense of duty, etc etc. It's a really complicated phenomenon, and considering she grew up with it, something huge would have to happen for her to start doubting. I think it would have been cooler if you showed her 100% believing everything and then slowly starting to question (maybe after a large event?) and have her go back and forth and then she realizes it's a cult and wants to leave. I think that would be accurate to what really happens in cults. I would recommend reading about cults and the psychology behind it to better inform this, since I think that would make your already good plot even better and more engaging.

All in all, great job! Take my criticisms with a grain of salt since they're mostly my opinion not necessarily objective truths. Good luck!

Very Good Plot!

Very original plot, I haven't read anything quite like this. Reminds me a bit of Shadowhunters, but with enough of a twist that it certainly is original. I usually don't like prologues since they're often unnecessary, but I actually really liked yours and thought it gave good context for the book. I'm not Christian nor have I ever read the Bible, so it was good backstory for me to understand what was going on since I wasn't super familiar.

Your style is very engaging, I like the pacing of the story as well. However, there are many grammar and spelling mistakes, as I'm sure you know, so a round of editing would be really helpful. Also, I'm pretty sure ministers are ordained not ordinated? I think if you've been ordained, you're an ordinate, but the actual process is being ordained. I'm not sure though, but ordinated just sounded strange to me so I'd check that out.

Overall, very interesting story and great idea! Your writing has great bones, I just think the grammar needs to be fleshed out more so it doesn't take away from the clear skill you have. Good luck and keep going!

Great!

There's only three chapters so far, so I can't really speak on the plot much since I'm not sure how it's going to develop. I like the idea of the next generation dealing with the misgivings of the past ones (pretty relevant to what's going on in our world now lol unfortunately)

I think the formatting needs some work. You should separate the bits of dialogue so that they are their own separate paragraph, doing so will help the reader keep track of who is talking and it'll break up the large walls of text that aren't super aesthetically pleasing.

I also found that the chapters were pretty short, so I'd like longer chapters, maybe even combining these first three into one since they all have the same title

There is still a bit of mystery at this point, which I like, so I can't really speak much more on the plot since I"m not sure how it's going to unfold/how these characters will interact with each other. All in all, I think it's a good idea and the writing is solid, just need to fix a few of those general errors.

Good luck!

Speechless

I usually leave long reviews, but I just don't have much to say. This was great. I don't usually read erotica, and this type wouldn't normally be my cup of tea since I'm such a jealous/possessive lady I don't think I could do this, but it was hot. Really great smut writing, wasn't over the top of weird, got the heart racing. I also like the storyline, which I think a lot of eroticas miss, so I think that's something really cool about this book as well.

Great job!

This is a Tough One

Okay... I wish I could give this a higher rating, but I couldn't make it past the first few chapters.

As a victim of intimate partner violence and rape, reading a book that depicts violence and rape as "hot" was hard. Rape is not fun, it's not hot, it's terrifying, disgusting, and damn near almost killed me. It's not something to be written into a steamy sex scene. A man who rapes and abuses his wife repeatedly is not a guy with some sexy dark qualities/mystery, he is the VILLAIN and needs to be cast as such. I understand the idea of still being in love in an abuser, hence why women stay (myself included, can't even tell you how many times I mad the "he'll change, he still cares, I still care" excuse), but I never saw anything of her being genuinely scared and effected by this or cutting loose and running when given the chance. It just seems she's tossed around between abusive men who assault her and we're supposed to root for them being together?

It just left a really sour taste in my mouth and was pretty triggering. If I ever mention rape or abuse in a book I'm writing, I frame it as nothing less than the traumatic, awful thing it is. Women, especially young women, are probably your main demographic for this book, so it's important to teach the value of consent in your writing rather than sexualize violence and rape. I don't know, that just deeply bothered me.

The writing is good, however. There were a few spelling and grammatical errors, nothing some editing couldn't fix. And I think the plot could be good, just not how it is now. I just think there needs to be some major changes to how these characters interact. I totally understand wanting to make Lucas potentially change and have a dark side, but you can give him a drinking problem, make him cheat, etc etc, but if you want him to be redeemable, you can't include rape or abuse (of any kind) and especially do not glorify/sexualize it. I think I've hammered in my point enough so I'll digress.

Overall, the writing is really good and intense, you have talent, I just think the plot needs to be reworked to be more suitable for a female audience. Sorry if this sounded harsh, it was just really triggering, not going to lie - and since I'm sure that was not your intention, I think it's something you should think about changing. If you'd like more information, I study violence against women and girls in college (it's what I'm framing my career around) so I can gladly give you some good resources and answer any questions.

Chin up and keep writing!

Great!

When I read the description/saw the title/read the first chapter, I thought this would be a fantasy story. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, but that's definitly the vibe I get. I'm not really sure where the romance in this book lies since I'm not feeling it as much, but since this is a teen romance maybe I'm just not the demographic this is aimed at as far as the romance goes.

I think the writing style is really pretty, as I said it sounds like fantasy and has a very whimsical feel. Some of the words didn't really make sense and there are some grammar and punctuation errors. It feels almost as if the book was written in another language and then translated into English, so I think some of the translations were translated very literally, so I think some of that needs to be changed to sound more natural.

Overall, great work!

Interesting Plot!

I thought the plot was pretty interesting, as a person who is majoring in psychology I thought what she said in the first chapter was pretty cool (I left a comment regarding this) and the story definitely takes a turn. I almost would have liked if you continued with a sort of "The Bell Jar" -esque story in the mental hospital, I think that plot has a lot of potential (giving me ideas haha!)

Though the grammar and stylistic errors are a bit hard to get through. I remember you mentioning when we agreed to do a review swap that English isn't your first language, so I don't want to be too harsh since I'm not sure what the writing would sound like in your native language (I find it so hard to criticize because I imagine if I wrote in Spanish or Italian I would not sound great but in English, I write fairly well). I would recommend potentially finding a Beta reader on here or maybe someone you know personally who can help edit this book because the errors are somewhat hard to get past, but it's not really your fault.

Also, for dialogue, I would recommend using quotation marks instead of the "-" because it looks more professional if you do it the standard way

Overall, great plot, I would love to read it when it's edited a bit more to evaluate the style

Pretty Good!

I mean for an erotica book it checks all the boxes as far as a good-looking couple, a bit of a power dynamic, etc etc. There were a couple things plotwise that I wanted to touch on:

Dani I'm guessing is at leas 18 (since she has to be to work in a strip club, and if she serves drinks she has to be 21) so I'm a little confused as to why she talks as if she's much younger, like shes' 15 or 16. On top of that, Mr. Knight is much older and an adult, so she has to be 18 for it to be consensual (which again how consensual can a strip boss sleeping with his stripper really be... )

Which leads me to my next point. This is a delicate delicate matter. I spend my days studying violence against women and girls and unfortunately, many strippers are victims of sex trafficking and abuse from their bosses and patrons. It's a HUGE problem, especially since vulnerable populations likes young women and mothers are strippers (which I think might be more realistic to show that side of the work environment since y'know not everyone is going to be super young, most strippers are actually in their late twenties/thirties and are moms). So I think the idea of a super young, vulnerable teenager sleeping with her strip boss feels inherently a bit icky to me, but she is a consenting adult - but if I were you I'd make sure I was explicit with this kind of stuff. Make sure you make it CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR that she is not being pressured or threatened or any power dynamic being exploited because not having consent isn't sexy (as all we women know lol) - so just something to think about, yours seems fine though, it's just a tricky situation considering the history and current context of such interactions! But, this is fiction, so slight suspension of reality is implied.

Overall, good writing, maybe a bit more showing instead of telling. Not sure why everyone keeps bringing up that she's a virgin? Again, not sure how many people talk that way - so maybe bringing up that fact more casually rather than it being something somehow everyone knows and regularly talks about? Overal I just think the dialogue needs some work, but the overall writing is pretty good and I enjoyed the overall plot!

Keep up the good work!

HOLY COW

As someone whose favorite movies are "Saw," "Sinister," and "The Sixth Sense" the blurb for this book was like a fever dream in the best way. I'll start with my criticisms though and then end with the positives:

There are a lot of grammatical errors here and punctuation as well. There are misplaced commas and quotation marks, sentences that could use some rearranging, and randomly capitalized letters/words. Overall, I definitely think this could use some editing as far as that goes because it's hard to get immersed in a story when your flow is being interrupted by these errors, so I think fixing that would do a lot of good.

I have mixed feelings about the prologue. On one hand, LOVE the intensity of the moment. I could actually feel my heart racing a little and my eyes widening, which is great. I think it's an excellent way to pull a reader in to keep reading and want to see what happens!!! However, this feels like the climax of your book and that's not something you want to give away in the first chapter!!! I have a feeling that it won't be as exciting or draw dropping when the moment does come later in the story since you already gave it away. I think the solution might be shortening it a bit, maybe not giving so much away? But I don't know because at the same time it is a REALLY great hook. That's just going to be up to you because if something about that final scene is even more draw-dropping then you should be fine and maybe the anticipation when the person is reading it again knowing it was at the beginning will be climax enough. Either way: just something to think about.

I think some of the dialogue, especially from the killer, is a little bit unrealistic? It sounds almost too robotic and not I don't know, there's just a quality to it that feels forced. I want a little more casualness and for the killer to have a specific voice - I'm not sure what that would be. Maybe they talk like a child? Maybe they have a deadpan tone that you can make come across? I'm not sure, but I think maybe developing that character to make sure he sounds real would make it even scarier. I almost WANT him to sound normal because when those we know and interact with every day are the ones who hurt us...oof that's scaryyyyy

Now to the positives: again, that prologue was incredible. One of the best uses of a prologue I've seen in a while on this platform, despite my misgivings about revealing too much (again, I'm not sure that's such a big deal if you play your cards right when you do write that scene). I just love the conflict it implies.

Again, the concept is great I mean talk about a really original, good idea! I even would like you to slow it down a bit, really delve into the inner thoughts and scene description. I want things to be slower pace when it's calm so that when the shoe drops you can pick up the pace of the writing and bring in that suspense and tension.

This is turning into a really long rambling review, so I'll end it by saying: Great job, excellent idea! Can't wait to see what you have to say about my story because you and I clearly share the same love of really fucked up thriller/horror

Really Great!

You really have a great way of conveying emotion through words which is the kind of writing I like to consume/write myself! It's funny because I actually have a similar couple in my book (so when you read it it'll be fun to see the similarities ha!) so it was cool seeing that play out in another context and relationship dynamic. I am confused as to why Ayaan would have married her if she was like this at the start of their relationship unless he's got some really really intense savior complex, and if that were the case then I would expect him to be a bit more narcissistic... But this is just the psych major in me talking. I do like the plot but I gave it four stars because I'm hoping it picks up a bit? The story has been sort of one tone, super depressing thus far with no lift and I'm waiting for the thriller aspect to come in because right now this seems more like a romantic drama than a thriller, but maybe that'll be revealed in a later chapter? Either way, I think maybe adding some bits of respite would be helpful since this is really heavy and maybe giving the reader a little more to work with would be good. Your style is great though and I didn't notice any issues with grammar.

Can't wait to hear what you have to say about "Madhouse" since you clearly know what you're doing! Keep up the good work!

Really Great!

I enjoyed the story, it reminded me a little of Shadowhunters when I read the blurb but then it certainly divulged from that which was cool. I found it a little difficult to keep track of all the different types of people and how it worked, so maybe some more explanation on that early on would help because I didn't quite grasp it. Your style is great and very detailed, and I like how you use dialogue to move the story along rather than just relying on narration - Those are always the best stories.

All in all, great job!

Good Start

Let me start out by saying I've literally never come across a book with a plot like this - hence why I gave the plot five stars. It's very original, that's for sure. I'm not sure if this is something I would read outside of Inkitt (but that's one of the things I love about doing review swaps is it forces me to read things I never would have normally) but it's definitely a good concept. However, there are a lot of grammatical errors and I don't love the style. I think writing in a casual tone is good, especially when you have a young protagonist, but this is a classic example of telling rather than showing. The narrator is talking at the audience and telling things very literally, which is just not how people think. It makes me feel like this is all happening in the past tense and the narrator is orating it to me rather than me actually being in the story as if unfolds and getting in the protag's mind. I think fixing that to make it more immersive and adding more showing than telling would be good. Also, a round of editing would do you well as well - especially since there are huge walls of text that I think could use being broken up into smaller chunks to make it a bit more digestible.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think constructive criticism is the only way we get better! Keep up the good work!

Great Concept!

I'll echo what others have said and say that this is a really great concept and I think the plot/characters are great. The chapters could be a little shorter and I'm not sure why there are only three chapters in this book, I think it might make more sense to just combine all the sequels together into one since it feels to short to be a stand-alone. Also, there were quite of a bit of grammar/punctuation mistakes so a round of editing would be good. There was also a point where you said "she nervously grips her hands anxiously" and so getting rid of the redundancy in some of the sentences would be good. Again, nothing a bit of editing can't catch.

Overall, really great suspense writing!

Awesome!

As someone who is a sucker for werewolf books and has read a lot of them, I can honestly say this is a very original plot! That's no easy feat, so I commend you for that! I think your first chapter is especially strong as a means of pulling readers in, so great job on making a good hook! I do think some of the chapters are really short and that might be an indication that you could add more. I'm not sure what that would look like, or maybe just combining two chapters into one, but I felt like everything moved really quick cause I'd be done reading a chapter in just a couple of minutes. I think some of the later chapters fall off in quality (which I totally get because when I start a story I usually don't finish it by the time I start posting it here and so the pressure to finish rushes me and I end up putting out lower quality writing than I would have liked) so I think maybe going back and adding more to those later chapters. Maybe another conflict? Some more dialogue? Inner narration?

Overall though, really awesome story! I can't remember which of my books you added for the review swap, but since you clearly know the werewolf genre well please read "The Shadow Rogue" b/c I"d love to see what you think! I can't remember if that's the one you were going to review anyways, if that's the case then just ignore me haha

Great job and keep up the good work!

Awesome!

Not the kind of story that I would usually read, but it was very engaged nonetheless! I really enjoyed how the language felt like that of another time which helped transport me to that era. The characters were interested and felt real and there was a great arc!

The only criticism I have is that some of the vocab seems almost too advanced, like you pulled out a thesaurus just to get big words in every sentence, which I think is something a lot of writers do. Sometimes the most simple word is the best, especially since you want your book to cater to wide audiences and not everyone has a large vocabulary. So I think unless it's necessary to the story/you want a certain sound, then I think you can change some of it to be a little less fancy. I don't know, that's just me though.

Overall, great job! Looking forward to what you think about my work!

Needs Work

I think the plot is a trope I see often in books, but the idea of him being her long-lost friend is a bit of a twist on the general "get married to the mafia" plotline. However, I think the grammatical and stylistic errors take away a lot from your story. I'm not sure if this is because English is not your first language or if perhaps you're a younger writer, but I think getting someone from Inkitt to edit for you would be a great first step. It's hard to get immersed in the plot when I'm stumbling over these errors, and I think the story would flow and be much easier to get into to evaluate for the plot and characters if these errors were resolved. So, I'd try to find someone on Inkitt to do really intense editing for you and then go from there. I think it's a great start, though. Keep it up!

Bro

This book did something to me and now I'm back to having unrealistic expectations of a future romantic partner ugh! Should I move to a small town??? Pack up and leave Boulder??? I digress.

Really great writing, great tension building - the best writing is the kind that MAKES you feel the way your characters are feeling, and you did that.

I do agree with a comment I saw that the story does move super fast and I don't think she would give up so much info about herself so quickly given what she's fleeing from. Also, and maybe this is just me, if I were alone in the middle of the night after a car broke down and a MAN came to help me I'd literally feel like I was about to be murdered like my mind would be racing like no other I'd have my pepper spray in hand, keys between my fingers, so I think it might be unrealistic that she'd be totally chill with him right away. However, I guess that's how Ted Bundy got everyone cause he was hot and people trust hot people so, maybe not so unrealistic.

My only other criticism is that I'm not sure if this is erotica. My definition of erotica (and admittedly it's a very subjective thing) is like graphic sex scenes ever/every other chapter. This strikes me more as a romance with some thriller/mystery that'll have some sex intermixed than anything else. LIke erotica to me is just written porn essentially, but, again, that's just my definition.

Either way, excellent writing! Can't wait to hear what you have to say about my writing since you're clearly very talented

Great Start!

I think this is a really great start. The plot does move a little quickly for me and I think your style could benefit from more showing vs. telling. I want to find out things about the characters through their conversations and actions rather than being told it through narration because it's more real/organic that way. I think this is a great romance push and pull story, I'm not sure if I would say it falls under erotica though. Maybe that's because my definition of erotica is like graphic sex every/every other chapter whereas this feels more like a romance that has sex in it (which most romances do). That's not necessarily a criticism I'm just not sure I would have erotica as a genre (but the definition of erotica is pretty subjective so take that with a grain of salt). Either way, I think some editing is necessary for some of the grammatical stuff and fixing to do more showing vs telling, but beyond that I think the plot is great and very enticing!

Excellent!

I don't usually read romance (although I love to write it) but this one is so so good! Your style is great and I love the pacing, it doesn't go so quickly that it feels unbelievable but it's not so slow that the reader becomes frustrated. I also like that there's some twists in there and the characters are realistic.

My only criticism is I wish you would have made Keegan maybe a tad bit older because and 18 year old with a 24-year-old just feels real icky and kind of predatory/exploitive and that ick feeling took away from the story for me. I don't even mind the 6 year age gap if they were 20 and 26. Also, considering that she's in the workforce and has a career going it doesn't make much sense that she's 18 because adults with a masters degree and years of work experience can barely get hired these days. Also, considering that Blue was in the Army for a long time, unless he was the stereotypical joins at 18 and stays four years to qualify for free college, it's not super important that he's 24 (and it might be good to add two extra years of service to really drill in the things he's seen, esp since the conflict with Afghanistan started in 2001 and only ended last year, so you have a good chunk of time to work with) I think just moving their ages up two years would make it a bit more realistic that she has a career and it'll make the age gap less creepy while still being able to emphasize that there is an age gap and have that be part of the storyline. That's just my two cents though

Needs some development

There was one review that I particularly concur with (although I don't think I'm as critical as they were) that this story does progress VERY fast and you have a huge info dump in the first few chapters. I think the remedy to this is to do a bit more showing rather than telling. Don't have a whole chapter dedicated to her past, let us figure it out through what she thinks (maybe short moments of flashbacks indicated by italics) or things she discloses verbally to others. Slowing down the pace would be helpful, too. I think the idea that the story starts in a chase, but that scene does feel a bit rushed. I want to see it drawn out a little more, see it take a longer time for her to figure out what's going on. I think slowing down the pace, in general, would be helpful overall.

I think once you do those things then I would be able to evaluate other aspects of the story more clearly because the fact that it does move so quickly takes away from the characters and makes it harder to be immersed. It's like a roller coaster: you need to have moments of pause and slowing down to fully appreciate when the ride does drop or speed up. Can't have lows without highs and vice versa

Hope this helps!

Good work!

I like the plot, although it is a bit to follow since there are a lot of characters and sometimes that can get a bit messy. There are a lot of grammar mistakes and you have large walls of text at some points, so I would try to break those up to make it a little easier to read. There was good mystery in there, and maybe slowing down the pace of the story would create a bit more suspense. Overall, it was good, I just think there needs to be some editing!

Why just one chapter???

I feel like this is a really great idea that you need to flesh out more. It feels incomplete, like I"m still left with more questions than answers and would like to see more. Your style is great and so is your grammar, I just wish there was more of it. I think if you want to do a short story, then you maybe need to make it a bit longer so it feels more complete. Overall, it's a really great idea and beautiful writing (hence why I want more!)

Great bones!

I like the plot of this story, although it is very similar to most other mafia themed stories I have read (but hey if it ain't broke, don't fix it!) and it is fast-paced, but some people like that. I think you do fall victim to the showing vs. telling in that you tell us exactly what's going on, what people are thinking, etc and I think maybe a bit more showing would be useful. Let us figure some things out about what the characters are feeling. There are many many grammatical and spelling errors that take away from the overall work, so I would fix that as soon as possible. You can use the free version of Grammarly to help with that, I use it for my writing and it's really helpful in catching the easy, small stuff! Overall, I think with some editing and reworking this could be excellent and five stars!

Incredible

Honestly not sure why you have this on this platform, you could probably get this published somewhere it is that good. The plot is intriguing and very unique, the characters are intricate and dialogue realistic, the language is pretty without being pretentious - literally everything I'd want in a book. I honestly don't have any criticisms. Really amazing job!

Excellent!

Really awesome prologue. I sometimes find that when authors include prologues in their stories they're cliche and usually unnecessary, but this one left me with all the right questions and wanting to understand more. I think this is very original, at least I haven't seen anything else like it out there. Your style is very good, the only negative comment I'd have about it is some of your vocabulary is almost too high-brow. You want your book to be for an average person, and it is tempting to add fancy words, but if the average person doesn't know what that word means, then don't include it. There were a couple of grammatical errors, but nothing a round of editing could catch - I'd suggest using Grammarly, it helps me out a lot and the free version is good. All in all, I really enjoyed!

Interesting

If it were allowed I'd give the writing style 3.5 stars not 3, but alas can't give half stars. As far as the plot goes, I think it is original it just moves pretty quickly and is a little hard to follow since you introduce so much information all at once - I'd maybe try to spread it out a bit more so it's not so overwhelming. I love when stories throw you right into the action off the bat, so I enjoyed your first chapter a lot. As far as the style goes, I find the dialogue a little unrealistic. Even though it is a different world/time period, I just don't think people would talk like that so I understand wanting to have some difference to show that they are different species/in a different time, but I think it just needs to be a bit more casual and less dramatically dire if that makes sense. There were quite a few grammatical errors and some names were capitalized inconsistently, so I think some editing is needing for sure. I also noticed that all the verbs are in past tense, and I generally like it when stories are written in the present tense since it makes it more immersive, but that's a personal preference. Overall, I think the story has good bones - just needs a good round of editing. Keep it up!

Very Good!

I really liked the plot and I think it's something I haven't seen before, which is always a good thing. Your style is unique and thoughtful and you have a very nice vocabulary which adds to the futuristic kind of vibe. The two main critiques/suggestions I have are 1) I think you need to consolidate some chapters. When I look at a book and see that it's 131 chapters long it makes me want to immediately skip it without even looking at the blurb since, unless it's Stephen King, I just don't want to read something that long. When I actually opened it I realized the chapters are very short, but people aren't going to know that if they just skip it over by looking at the sheer number. I'd try to put two accounts in each chapter that way you can cut the count in half and it'll appear less daunting.

The second critique I have is I like that this is telling the story retrospectively, but I personally don't like books written in the past tense. It makes me feel like I'm not actually experiencing the story. If it were me, I'd keep the prologue the same introducing that this is all something that happened in the past, and then have the actual events be in present tense, like it's happening at that moment. Write it like you would write another other story happening in real time, but then maybe add some retrospective commentary almost like a journal entry. That's just a personal preference though, I'm not sure how many people would agree with me on that.

Beyond that, there are a few grammatical errors, for example you wouldn't say a "six feet lightening bolt" you'd say "six foot lightening bolt," and since that's a pretty integral part of your story I think that'd be important to change (especially in your blurb since that's what people use to decide if they want to read your story)

All in all, I think it has good bones and just needs a bit of rearranging as far as formatting goes, but the plot itself is very original.

Really Good!

There were some minor mistakes as far as grammar/spelling goes, but just proofreading should be able to fi that. I would have liked to have seen maybe more defined paragraphs rather than each sentence sort of being in its own line, and I think having a space between each paragraph break is helpful just for ease of reading/aesthetic pleasure. As far as the plot goes, I think it's really great! I'll agree with a comment I saw on the first chapter that I don't necessarily love starting with a foreshadowing sequence, and I agree that we don't know the character well enough in the beginning to really sympathize for the grandmother's death if you even just waited till the next chapter. One other thing, is I see a lot of telling instead of showing in this book (which everyone struggles with tbh), so I think having dialogue and the character's actions tell us more than the narrator just saying something like "she was angry". Overall, great story!

Good!

I'm not sure what the plot of this book is going to be yet, since it's only chapter five as of this review, and I can't really tell where it's going. I think the characters are likable and I'm glad you didn't put in an almost recap of the last book in the second one through dialogue or narration (I see that a lot in sequels and always thinks it's strange since the characters don't know it's the sequel lol), so I appreciate that. I think there are some problems with slipping to past tense when you should be writing in the present tense, but that happens to everybody. There are a couple word choice and grammar mistakes that Grammarly would help you a lot with, so I'd recommend getting the basic version (it's free) or you can buy the premium version (I have that and it helps a lot with editing)

All in all, good job!

Good Start

I can see where the plot is going, although this trope is used a lot in romance books so I'm hoping you add a twist to make it more unique/original; but since it's only five chapters in I can't really tell. The narration needs to be fixed a little, I think the narration is a little too casual, but then again everyone's inner dialogue sounds different, so it might work if you clean up the verb tenses a bit. You write in the past tense when the book occurs in the present, which makes it strange to read because it sounds like everything is happening in the past - So I think that's a really important thing to fix so the plot can be appreciated more.

Good work!

Good!

I've never read a story like this, and I was pleasantly surprised with how much I enjoyed the plot. I think Algea is well developed and the plot is very interesting.

My main critique is that you use past tense verbs when the story is happening in the present. For example, instead of writing "I hated barbecue" it should be "I hate barbecue"; this way the story is more immersive because it's happening as the reader reads rather than in the past.

If you fix that then this story will be even better than it already is! Good job!

Good Start!

I think the plot is a good idea, although somewhat overused in workplace romance stories. I like the incorporation of the Slavic language, but one thing I thought was strange is the characters are adult professionals in the workplace and they speak/think as if they are teenagers. I think the narration and the dialogue needs to be more true to the age of the characters and setting the conversations are taking place in, just to make it more realistic. That made it somewhat hard to read for me since I just couldn't get myself into it in that way.

Other than that, I did like the story I just think that part needs to be edited.

Great Start!

I really like the plot, albeit it is a somewhat overused trope, but then again if it ain't broke don't fix it. I won't comment much on the grammatical/spelling issues since I'm sure you're already aware of those (and I'd recommend Grammarly to help you, I use it and it works AMAZING. I have the premium version, but the basic version that is free helps a lot with commas and spelling mistakes so that'll be good enough).

My only other criticism that I don't think I've seen from other people is that you write the entire story in past tense, even though stories occur in the present. To create an immersive experience, you need to make the reader feel like they're watching as the events are unfolding; hence why it's important to use the present tense. Obviously, if the character is thinking/talking about something that happened in the past then use the past tense, but for the rest of the story use present. (Ex: instead of "I sat in the chair" say "I sit in the chair")

Good luck and hope this helps!

Great Start!

I'm reviewing this at Chapter 1, so I'm not sure how the rest of the story/characters will develop. From what I read, you are a very talented writer who is great at action sequences. I was honestly a little confused as to what was going on with that trashcan, so maybe some more explanation is needed as to what was happening with all this futuristic technology, but perhaps you'll be explaining that in future chapters. The characters are interesting and I can sense perhaps a little romance brewing, but we shall see. I think this is a great start and if the story continues this way then this is a five star for sure!

Good Start

I like the idea of the story, and I like that you've put enough of a twist on it to make the "mates don't like each other at first but then do" a unique idea; since a lot of werewolf stories I see like that don't have much else to the plot besides that. There were a couple of issues I noticed. Firstly, I think you should have actual chapter names rather than having them named after whose POV it is (you can just put that in bold at the top of the chapter when the POV switches), because having a chapter name is something that is important when publishing a book and for people to have just a little teaser of what that chapter will be about before they read it.

Also, as far as style goes, you write a lot in the past tense when the story is occurring in the present, so I think it'd be beneficial to go back and change those verbs to be present rather than past tense. Also, some of your paragraphs can get a little long, so it would be a good idea to break some of them up into two or just shorten a few of them of anything unnecessary just for aesthetic/readability purposes.

All in all, good work!

Great Work!

I really like the plot, I think it's unique and not at all like other stories I've read in the past within the fantasy genre. I like that you include elements of other genres as well (romance, action, a bit of mystery/suspense. I think your characters are interesting + three dimensional. My only critique is the writing style needs a little bit of work. You write a lot in past tense when the story is happening in the present, so I think that'd be something worth going back and changing. I also think some of your paragraphs can get a little long, so separating them or just shortening them would be helpful just for aesthetic/readability reasons.

All in all, great job!

Excellent!

This story was captivating and extremely well written. There weren't many grammatical errors or problems with style. My only pointer would be to try to write in present tense rather than past tense; you seem to slip in and out of it (I have the same problem, so I feel you on that, I think people tend to revert back to that because a lot of school writing is in the past tense)

I always get a little worried when rape and violence are in romance books, because as a victim of rape and intimate partner violence myself I hate seeing women fall in love/stay with men who rape or beat them; its not a good message to send. I also hate when romance books have a raped and abused women be saved by the hero love interest (cause that's not what happens in real life) and I think you've handled that topic very well. I like that the rape and violence is more of a peripheral plot point rather than directly within Grayson and Elenor's relationship, although they do allude to Grayson hitting her (but I guess that's just the time period, but as a writer its important to be cognizant of your audience and the message being sent when you're writing about relationships if that makes sense) but I think you're doing very well with the subject and have handled it well.

All in all, this is a great read and you should be very proud of your work!

Editing Needed

I think the plot is good, but I am having a hard time immersing myself in the story because of the grammatical/punctuation errors. I'd recommend using Grammarly, it's a really fast and easy way to fix these kinds of issues and the basic version is free. Throughout reading the story I was a little confused as to whose POV is whose and what exactly was going on, but I caught on eventually - So maybe a little more clarity on that is needed?

Otherwise, I think the bones of this story is good, just some editing is needed so that readers can really appreciate the plot.

Good, but Needs Editing

The main probelm this story has is the grammatical errors; they make it hard to read, but you premise the story stating you're working on it so it's good you have it under control. I'd recommend using Grammarly, the basic version will help make the editing process much quicker and easier for you, but I think the premium version would do a lot to help you with some of the formatting/sentence structure issues/fluency issues. Either version you choose, I think it'll help you a lot.

That being said, I think this plot for werewolf stories is common, so I'm hoping to see some twists that give the story some more originality. That being said, this type of plot is common in werewolf books for a reason; so if it ain't broke maybe don't fix it?

I think this story has the potential to be very good if you can fix the technical stuff, but every writer goes through an awkward transition from beginner to experienced, so don't give up!