Taylor

Boulder, CO

21 year old college student writing for the hell of it. Sko Buffs!

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Excellent!

Let me start off with the positives:

My heart was genuinely racing during the action scenes, especially the prologue. I mean, what an excellent way to start off the book. I usually hate prologues, but you did this one super super well. The writing was impeccable, you're clearly very well read cause you have nice vocabulary, and Kevin is a really well fleshed out MC. He's got a lot of complexity and I like that. The thriller aspect of this book was phenomenal, truly a nail-biter and the fact that it elicited physiological responses from me was awesome. I'm honestly a little sad that I asked you to review "The Night's Bride" since I have a thriller novel that you'd probably have better insight on since you clearly know how to write thrillers.

I do have a couple criticisms though:

Firstly, I don't love how the female characters are written. They all follow a damsel in distress arc and need to be saved by a man or can't defend themselves are hyper emotional... I don't know, I just would have liked to see a more diverse cast of women. It feels like they're all the same just different names. I just would have liked to see more development in those characters and some more badassery, since that's more true to real life!

Also, this may just be a generational/cultural thing, but this man is 17 and already have a fiance??? I think it would make more sense if you increased the age a bit or just made her his girlfriend since I found that a little hard to believe.

Lastly, and this is just my opinion, I think T-Rex needs a more foreboding name. I don't know, personally I just couldn't take him all the seriously with that name, even though he is a terrifying character. He honestly reminds me of Pyramid Head in Silent Hill. I just think it needs to be something a little creepier, I guess. I'm not sure what I would pick, but something a little more dark and mysterious.

Overall though, amazing amazing job. Excellent style, at times the sentence structure could use some more variety to make it sound more fluid, but other than that, really really well done. Thank you for sharing!

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Good Start!

I think overall I would have given the story 3.5 stars, but since I didn't think it quite deserved 3 and we can't do half stars on Inkitt, I opted to overall give it 4.

Starting with the plot: I think the enemies to lovers trip for vampires and werewolves is, as you probably know, very common. I've read a lot of stories like this before, but they work, so I can't really knock it can I? I'm hoping you maybe bring something else in to make it a bit more original, but the story isn't complete so I guess that remains to be seen. All in all, for plot, I would suggest you bringing in some other factor to make this stand out from the rest of the stories that follow this same trope.

For style, you clearly have a very laid back, almost conversational writing tone. I like it, but sometimes it can get almost a little too casual. For example, you add a joke about her being 3 feet tall and say "she ain't a hobbit" in the first chapter, and I think that would turn a lot of people off to this story unfortunately. It just doens't feel as professional, esp since it's not first person. That kind of tone would almost work better if this story was from a first person point of view, but from a third person narrator, I'm not sure if it works as well. I think you can keep a more casual, laid back tone, but I'd maybe dial back a little bit to make it sound better, or change to first person narration.

Also, I think there is a lot of telling in this story rather than showing. i want to figure things out about how the world works and who these people are/how they react rather than being told. So, that's something else to maybe look back on.

There are quite a few grammar mistakes, especially with capitalization, so a couple rounds of editing would be helpful to tighten things up a bit since the mistakes do take away from the story as a whole.

Some positives I want to point out are that I enjoy the strong female lead. Hate when female leads are depicted as weak, feeble minded, etc, so I like that she's a badass who stands up for her beliefs and I hope you keep her that way. I just wish there was a bit more mystery in their developing romance (a will they won't they that you sort of give away in the journal entry in the first chapter) so I think that could be maybe held back a bit more as mystery and tension.

All in all, good start! Hope this doesn't come across mean or anything, and of course take everything with a grain of salt! Good luck!

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Good Start!

I like your style, especially liked the description of her fiddling with the necklace while she was in the library, I thought that was a super cool way of showing that. I enjoy the plot, although it does mirror that of many I've read before, so I'm hoping something else comes in to sort of set it apart. You do have really cool fantasy characters, although they're all introduced very quickly because the plot moves very quick (which isn't necessarily bad since I get that you want this to feel overwhelming for her, but it would be nice to maybe have it be a little slower)

There were a lot of grammar mistakes that took away from the story, so I think a round of editing is necessary. Your actual technical style is great, but it's hard to enjoy it when some of the verbs are in the wrong tenses and such. So I'd use Grammarly or maybe have a friend read through it to help fix some of that.

Overall, I think it's a good start! I hope there's something that will be revealed in the plot later on (since this review is only at chapter 6) that will set it apart from other stories with a similar plot, but we shall see! Good luck!

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Good Idea!

I like the idea! The pig-masked killer reminds me a bit of Saw, so I'd maybe choose something else for the mask just to avoid potential issues with that. I think this story needs more showing instead of telling, some of the dialogue feels a bit unrealistic for full grown adults, so I'd restructure some of that to make their voices sound more realistic for their age.

There were spelling/grammar issues, but nothing that you shouldn't be able to catch with a couple rounds of thorough editing. Overall, I like the plot and the element of mystery, I was hoping to find something that might make it pop out a little bit more from other slasher/serial killer movies, so maybe you can make the book a bit longer by adding in something to really make it stand out from the rest? Not sure what that would be, but just something to think about.

All in all, good job and keep it up!

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Great, but Needs Editing

I really like the plot of the story, I think it's intriguing and does follow some common tropes in the romance world but hey if it ain't broke don't fix it. I really hope Lucas isn't going to be abusive to her in any physical sense b/c those kinds of stories that feature abuse that turn into love, especially with a female protagonist who has already been victimized, it's a bit yucky so I'd caution you on how you write Lucas as far as him being an ass but not abusive. I do think the story has a good pace, I would've like an indication in the third chapter that we were looking at a flashback since I was extremely confused at first thinking that was taking place after the wedding (so maybe putting it in italics or some kind of heading??)

There are some grammar mistakes that do take away from the story so I think going back and editing with Grammarly or a beta reader would be helpful. Overall, I think this is a great start!

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Beautiful Writing

This is a shining example of pretty language. It's super eloquent and fits the time period of the narrative in that it is fancy and not at all how people speak today, which helps put the reader in the mindset of the time. Your grammar and style are impeccable and I don't have enough good things to say about it.

Heres my one criticism, though. The plot is very difficult to follow. I found myself having to reread a paragraph three or four times to try to understand what was going on. Not to toot my own horn but I'm a pretty smart person who reads a lot, so if it was hard for me to follow, then it'd probably be hard for a good chunk of people too. I think it might be a bit of the show vs. tell thing. You are on the opposite side of where most writers fall in that you're relying so much on showing that it's hard to follow because sometimes you do have to tell readers a bit of what's going on. This reminds me of professors when they are so clearly passionate about what they teach and are experts in their field and vastly smarter than the students that they can't "dumb it down" for the masses to understand. I think you understand and know and are passionate about your story so much and have such a high understanding for it in your head that I think you may need to "dumb it down" in a sense to make it clearer for us since we aren't in your mind and don't understand the story as well as you .I'm not sure if that analogy makes sense at all, but it's all I could think of.

Overall, very great job! I just think if you want this to be a book your average Joe could understand and follow, you may need to simplify it a bit.

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Great bones!

I do like the plot of the story. It follows some tropes that are fairly common in werewolf type stories, but it's different enough that it's not cliche. Someone else mentioned this in another review but I'll mention it again: The paragraphs need to be broken up. Huge walls of text are extremely hard to read and immediately turn readers off, no matter how good the actual writing is.

I also think this plot moves a bit fast and there's a lot more telling than showing. For example, there could be ways that you show us that her step father is abusive and that her relationship with her mother is strained rather than simply telling us it is. For example, she can maybe bang into something and hit a bruise and then recall where that bruise came from.

I also think the ****** separators are a bit confusing since I'm not sure what they represent and they seem to be everywhere. I'd like to see longer periods of the POVs rather than having it be one paragraph as one person and the next is a different person. That way it doesn't seem so rushed/too fast paced.

Overall, these are easy things to fix (except maybe the showing v. telling thing, but that's something everyone, including myself, does) so just going through and putting those changes in can vastly improve things. You got the most important stuff right, so keep it up!

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Great Concept!

Love love love the concept! Generally when I come across LGBTQ+ wolf stories it's about a lesbian or gay mate pairings, so this is a super original way to talk about some real life shit in a story and cover the topic of gender-non conformity. Also love that we get to see him working through his sexuality and gender identity and embracing these parts, really cool representation!

Onto the criticisms though. This does read like a fanfiction, and what I mean by that is it moves very very fast and there's a lot of telling instead of showing. I also think the dialogue (inner and spoken) can be a bit unrealistic at times because people don't always say exactly what we're thinking or have an inner dialogue that is so literal. There were also could be some work with having more complex sentence structures just to give it a less choppy feel.

All in all, great concept! Just needs a bit more fleshing out

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Excellent

I was very moved by this and I like how you let us figure things out through the story without explicitly saying it - this is an excellent example of showing vs. telling. Really leaves you thinking afterwards, which are always the best kinds of stories. Only thing I would say is I think instead of having all your short stories as separate books, I would combine them all into one collection of short stories and then have each chapter be a different story. That way it'll reach more people! All in all, excellent work and I can't wait to see what you say about my story since you're clearly a very talented writer and I'd love your advice!

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Great!

I really liked it overall. The plot reminds me of Inception a bit, but it's still very original. I like all the characters and it was a little difficult for me to keep track of everybody, but that's okay the only way to really ease that is to have less characters or introduce them more slowly, but that's just a personal preference. The only real criticism I have is you have these large blocks of just text and sometimes when you just see a wall of words it's easy to lose your place when you're reading, so I'd try to break up the bigger chunks just to make it a little easier on the eye. Great job overall though!

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Good Start!

I would have given 3.5 stars to everything if I could because there are some really great elements to this that I love, it's just overshadowed a bit by some errors. The plot is good and original, but it moves way too fast. I can't keep track of what is going on because everything is happening at warp speed and without much build up. I think you need to slow down the plot a bit and reveal things to us little by little rather than explaining everything all in one chapter because that's just a bit overwhelming.

I think the dialogue could use some work too. I understand the idea of wanting it to be casual and sound like a genuine young woman, but I'm honestly not sure (as a young person) if we really talk like that. It's almost too casual to be realistic.

Also, as you mentioned at the top of your story, there are a lot of grammatical issues that take away from the story. I think before you add any more chapters you should edit the existing ones because those kinds of errors will turn people off to reading the rest of the story because they are a bit hard to get through. I recommend using Grammarly, it's free and it helps me a lot with catching things you just sometimes miss when you're proofreading for the tenth time so I think that would be a big help.

All in all, I think if you changed those three things the story would be much cleaner and then I could focus on the plot and the characters a bit more. Hope this helps!

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Really Good!

I think the plot is unique and the characters are intriguing. Your style is excellent too I really love how descriptive you are and it sounds like poetry almost, which I like in a book. The only criticism I have is that the style has one writing pet peeve of mine which is writing everything in the past tense. If the story is happening in real time then all the verbs should be present tense unless the character is reflecting on something that happened in the past. For example, instead of saying "Aine followed him" say "Aine follows him". When I read books that are entirely in the past tense it makes me feel like I'm not really there, it's more immersive if the reader sees that it's happening in real time.

Other than that, I really enjoyed it and think you have a great voice with a lot of flair!

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Pretty Good

I'm going to echo what some of the other reviews have said - Please please please put in paragraph breaks. Nothing turns off a reader more than a wall of text. It's overwhelming and makes it difficult to find your place if you lose it, so just add some paragraph breaks to make it an easier read and that will do so much for your readers with just some spaces.

As far as the plot goes, I agree with some of the other reviewers that it's good, but rushed. I have the same problem when I write where I get so excited about the climax and have a vivid idea of what I want it to look like in my head that I rush through the rising action so that I can write what I'm really excited about. You have to make sure you don't do that because it doesn't give the readers enough time to really be invested in your characters/ story and you miss the chance for some suspense/buildup - which is the most important part of a horror/thriller novel

There were also a couple grammar/punctuation/capitalization errors throughout the story, so I'd proofread a few times to catch those. You can even use Grammarly, the free version will catch all the simple stuff.

All in all, I think this has the bones to be a good story, you just have to put a little more meat on it.

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Really Sweet!

I really enjoyed this story. It does follow a lot of overused/popular tropes in romance books, but y'know what they say: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I do like that it's not overly sappy like a lot of romance books are, the only thing I might say is the dialogue could be slightly more realistic. These are teenagers after all, so I'd expect there to be a little more slang/less formal or grammatical speaking. I think as writers there's a lot of pressure to make everything grammatically perfect, but people don't talk that way - so in dialogue, I think it can be useful to have sentence fragments, run ons, incorrect verbs etc. But that's just be nitpicking.

Since it's only the start of the story, I'm expecting that some more juicy drama will come later, so for rising action this is a really great plot so far!

Overall, really good story!

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Unique!

This is definitely something I haven't read on this platform before, which was really refreshing! Creative nonfiction is hard to come by in these types of writing platforms that are mostly focused on fiction, so I thought it was really cool of you to put it out here! I thought you provided some really good insight, especially for an author who seems to be young in age. There were two main criticisms that I have:

First: there were a few spelling/grammar mistakes that you should go through and edit. Even though this is a journal entry styled piece, it still helps to have all of that sorted out so it flows nicely

Second: I understand that you want this to look like journal entries, however, I think this would benefit from some structural diversity within it. Reading chapter after chapter of journal entry gets a little repetitive, I would have liked to have seen a little more creativity with how you structured each chapter. Maybe the first chapter is a free write style while the second is in a list format and the third an ABC structured piece? You can look online at other creative nonfiction essays to get some ideas on how to structure things differently, but I think that would add to the piece all in all as far as having some variety, but that's just my two cents.

Overall, I really enjoyed this and think it's a super unique idea!

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Great!

I have to say, I usually don't read stories like these (ironically since the story I'm writing is a fantasy novel). I'm a pretty strict Stephen King style book reader, horror is my jam and if not horror then I like romances; so I don't know if I have much to comment about how this book compares to other fantasy novels since my experience reading this genre is the Twilight books.

I did like the plot though, albeit it is a bit complicated at times; it reminds me a bit of "It" in that sense that there is a lot going on, which some people might not like but I really enjoy.. I think the characters are well developed, although my criticism with that would be there are a LOT of characters. Like Game of Thrones level a lot of characters to the point where I have a really hard time keeping track of who is who and what they're doing because there's just a lot. I think perhaps taking out some characters that aren't as crucial to the story might be helpful? Story plots to me are like a river, you don't want to just have a straight river down the center with no current and no danger (cause what fun would that be?), but you also don't want raging rapids with thousands of twists and turns that the story is complete chaos. I'm not sure if that is a good analogy, but I think you know what I mean. Although, a lot of people like stories like this (Game of Thrones is one of the most popular book/TV franchises in history after all), so take this with a grain of salt I guess.

There were a few moments in the story where you used past tense verbs instead of present tense, but not enough for it to be a recurring problem (so just look out for that when you edit). I couldn't find any spelling or grammar mistakes that were obvious, but a great way to check for those (since the human brain will correct them automatically without actively noticing them) is to use Grammarly, since the computer won't have that same human error we do. The basic version (which is free) should be enough to find the small mistakes with commas and spelling, but the premium version helps with passive voice and eliminating overused words (which I've been finding super helpful in my editing process, so figured I'd share with you)

All in all, I think as you've said this novel has already proven to be a success and so I think you have a lot to be proud of! I'll be happy to see this on New York Time's Bestseller one day or on the center table of a Barnes and Noble! Good luck and keep writing!

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Really Great!

I love the plot and the characters and the brewing love story. I think a lot of romances set in high school can be very cliche (no pun intended on the title haha) but this one has enough twists to that cookie cutter plot to make it an entirely different and unique story to tell. I would like to see a little more development for Naomi and Dimitri, even though they seem to be the villains of the story.

There are a few spelling/grammatical errors, and I'd recommend using Grammarly to help with that - it helps me a lot and makes the editing process much faster and catches things that the human eye might miss.

The other criticism I have is you write in the past tense when the story is happening in the present. For example, instead of saying "Was English class supposed to be this boring?" say "Is English class supposed to be this boring?" Another more generic example would be "I sit" instead of "I sat"

Hope this helps and you have a great story here, so you should be very proud!

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Really Great!

It is obvious that you put a lot of time/effort into imagining this new world. There are so many details that you add that make the world seem real. A lot of utopian/dystopian novels I read don't have that level of detail and specification which can make the new society seem less real, so I really celebrate you on that because I'm super impressed.

I like the characters, they're well developed and have a sufficient amount of trauma that it gives them depth but not too much that it becomes ludicrous. I'm excited for things to heat up!

One criticism I have is I don't think the glossary in the beginning is necessary, I think the readers should maybe figure that stuff out through the protagonist throughout the story rather than it being laid on thick in the first chapter. Maybe incorporate it in dialogue or just narration? It doesn't have to be one dump in the first chapter, but sprinkled throughout the story based on when it comes up. For example, explain what Finders are when they come up in the story rather than having them in the glossary. This is especially important with the characters because the reader should get to know the characters as the protagonist meets them (because you wouldn't know anything about someone till you meet them, right? So they should figure that out WITH the main character not before her), and they should learn these things about Acethea as the story goes on as well because we, as readers, and only now just meeting her and having that experience of figuring it out as we read I think is much more valuable/enjoyable than saying it in the beginning. It's all the showing vs. telling thing if that makes sense; I want to see more showing.

Other than that, I think the story is great! Good job!

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Needs Some Editing

Firstly, I do like the plot of this story, albeit it's a plot that used a lot in romance stories, but y'know if it ain't broke don't fix it. I like the characters, they certainly talk like college students (which a lot of writers who write young people totally miss and make them sound like grown ass adults rather than college students, so you got that nailed). There's just three main problems I have:

1) There is nothing more scary looking that writing that is just in one big block paragraph. I opened the first chapter and thought "dear lord". It's just not aesthetically pleasing, can make it hard to keep track of where you are in the paragraph/sentence, and can be overwhelming. You need to separate into smaller paragraphs and lines.

2) I saw a lot of grammar problems, mostly the use of "you're" vs "your" , and so I think some major editing from the grammar/spelling side of things needs to be done because people notice grammar errors and it delivers a bit of a "shock" if you will to the brain when we process those errors that jolts the reading experience, hence why it's really important to fix them.

3) A lot of writers struggle with showing vs. telling, and this story does a lot more "telling" rather than "showing". It's not as bad as some other ones I've seen, that's for sure, but it needs some work still. You want the reader to figure things out about characters themselves by leaving subtle hints or by an internal dialogue that's more true to what happens in life (our inner dialogue is very rarely so literal or so forthcoming, since we already know these things about ourselves so we wouldn't reiterate it in our mind). So I think that to grow as a writer that's something you need to look into style/plot wise. The other two are very easy fixes and just have to do with physical structure and grammar, which you can easily fix by using grammar/spell check websites. The showing vs. telling is something you're going to need to put more effort into though, but sooo many writers (myself included) struggle with that, so you're certainly not alone!

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Really Great!

I really enjoyed this story, the plot is good and the characters are interesting and I think there is just enough secrecy on what's going on to keep the reader interested but not too much that the reader is just flat out confused. Great job!

My only criticism is that this story hits on one of my pet peeves when I see writing on here: Writing the whole story in italics. It hurts my soul a little bit whenever I see this because as a psych major one of the things we learn about in cog psych is linguistics and how people process and produce verbal and written language. Most of the meaning we get from words/sentences doesn't come from the semantics but instead comes from prosody (which is how we say the words like cadence, sarcasm, stressing certain words, tone, etc). Because of the nature of written language, a lot of the meaning when someone is reading something has to come from the semantics because you aren't speaking it, which is why italics can be extremely useful in providing the reader with an idea of what something means, especially in dialogue, beyond the semantics. For example, take the sentence: "I didn't steal the purse." If I italicize "I" versus italicizing "steal" those two sentences have entirely different meanings and interpretations; thus is the power of including prosody in writing; hence why I die a little when writers don't take that opportunity by italicizing everything. So that'd be my only advice is use the italics to add even more depth to your story!

Beyond that, great job!

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Spookyyy

I LOVE horror books, Stephen King is one of my all time favorite writers since I'm so obsessed with the horror genre. This book definitely gave me that good suspenseful, pit in your stomach feeling as I was reading. I really like the plot and the characters are relatable. Only two critiques: The dialogue is a little choppy and not natural, I feel like teenagers would be cussing/not speaking so formally. Also, there are huge paragraphs that I think you need to separate out just for aesthetic reasons. When people look at a page and just see huge paragraph after paragraph they can get overwhelmed and start skipping through, so to make sure readers read every line make sure you separate paragraphs (they shouldn't be more than maybe two three sentences per chunk, unless it's a monologue that you can't really separate). But that's only for aesthetic appeal. Besides those two things, great story!

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I Love the Idea

Alright, so you've got a great idea. I love that you're talking about an issue that does scare a lot of people and it's very relevant and I was immediately gravitated towards the plot since I can relate to it since I'm growing up in this "Trump America" dynamic. Although, I found the sentences a little choppy and not very descriptive. I could've used a little more backstory on the war and what happened and stuff like that. The dialogue is good and the characters are believable, I just found the writing choppy and I think it would help if you had less simple sentences and replaced them with compound/complex sentences to add more detail and so it flows more. Other than that, I like it!

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Loved!

Hey! I really liked this story! I love the plot and I found myself able to relate to the character. Only criticism is I can tell that u write fanfiction (my writing is the same cuz I wrote a lot of fanfic) so it's structured a lot like a fanfiction which is good, but not as "professional" as a novel. Though I honestly really liked this! I love how you began every chapter with a quote, that's super unique :)

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Good Start

I'm going to be honest, I couldn't get past the first few chapters because of the style/grammatical issues were hard to read past. Firstly, the paragraphs need to be spaced. It's extremely hard (especially on a virtual platform) to read a wall of text, so I would recommend changing up the formatting to make it a big more palatable. Also, there aren't any quotation marks, so I have zero clue when people are speaking.

There are also some extremely short chapters and I'm not sure if that was a mistake or if they're meant to be that way? I think overall the story needs to be a bit slower and more fleshed out cause it moves extremely fast and there is a lot of telling instead of showing. I think letting the reader figure some stuff out on their own and letting the plot move much slower and delving more into the inner dialogue would be great.

I saw some other comments about the tone of the story being casual, and honestly I didn't mind too much. i think you could make it a bit more formal to just make it feel more like I'm reading a book rather than someone's diary, but honestly I think it adds character.

I think the idea in and of itself is good. I just think the execution needs to be fleshed out a bit more, especially the grammatical/spelling/formatting stuff because a lot of people will click away as soon as they see the big wall of text with no paragraphs. So that's an easy fix that would do a lot for your book!

Overall, good job and good luck! Thank you for sharing!

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Good Start!

I think the plot is intriguing, it is different than other werewolf books that I've read before (and I've read a lot lol) so I think that's definitly something you have going for you. You have a good message to your book, which I think is important for anyone seeking to write it so know what they're trying to say through their piece and I definitly get the sense that this is a story about redemption and rehabilitation.

That being said, I do have a a few criticisms. I think you could do away with the prologue, it's not really necessary and doesn't add anything. Plus, I think the first chapter is a much better hook. The chapters do go quick and jump around, it felt like 15 different things happened in the first chapter and I couldn't really keep track of what was going on since it was all happening so fast. I would recommend slowing things down, describing more, adding more inner dialogue maybe so that the chapters are longer and have less big events in them. Generally, when I write, I trying not to have more than maybe two major conflicts/events at most in each chapter, if there's more than that then it's going too fast or you're not spending enough time developing what's going on.

Also, I'm no in love with the trope of romantic partners changing the violent tendencies of another. I think it can be problematic in some senses, especially since domestic violence is so prevalent, so I would caution you to be careful how you write their relationship dynamic. It's not Arche's job to "save" Silas from violence. I also recognize that Silas has been a victim himself, so that adds to the complexity. What I'm trying to say is I want to see the change come from within Silas with Arche's support, not Arche trying to fix Silas and like being his therapist etc etc b/c I think that can be unhealthy.

Overall, I think you have a good idea and a great message, it just needs to be fleshed out a bit more in the execution. Thank you for sharing!

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Needs Work

I think this is a good start, and anyone who can get this far in a book is doing a good job. But honestly, the chapters are each a paragraph which doesn't leave much development for the characters or plot. It moves fast, the characters aren't all that multi dimensional. There are also a lot of grammar and spelling issues, and I think the tone is too casual. It feels like journal entires rather than a book. Not sure if that's what you were going for. I think fleshing out the plot and characters more would be a good start. No need to rush, and do more showing rather than telling. Let the story unfold slowly and naturally and spend some time making the chapters longer and more complex. Good luck!

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Great Job!

I think your world-building is really good here and the plot is original. The movie it reminds me of is on the tip of my tongue... But alas I can't remember. Like the strong female character of Amber (we love representation of badass female warriors!!!) and Ethan is an intersting character and you do a good job of building mystery around him. There are a bit of grammar mistakes, so I think you need to go back and fix those because they do take away from the story a little bit. But nothing a round or two of editing can't fix!

Overall, great job! Usually I leave really long reviews, but since I don't have many criticisms, this is short and sweet :)

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Good!

I think the plot is engaging. It gives me Beauty and the Beast vibes, but a little different and that movie is a classic for a reason (tale as old as time some may say lol) I think the characters are interesting, maybe a bit underdeveloped since the story is moving so quickly. I also think there is a lot of telling instead of showing in this book, so maybe letting us figure some things out rather than just telling us would be good.

There are quite a few grammatical errors, but nothing a round or two of editing couldn't fix.

The one main criticism I have for this story is that I likened it to Beauty and the Beast because it contains a lot of the engaging elements of that story... But the problematic ones as well. Personally, I don't like love stories where a woman has to "save" or "fix" a man from being violent and beastly. It just sets a bad precedent that leads to women staying with abusive men because they think their love can save them and that it's their job to do that ("thank you Disney" I say with utmost sarcasm). I just don't love the sentiment or plot device because what this man really needs is therapy. Say it with me sisters: You are not your boyfriend's/husband's therapist. If you're giving him therapy, charge him $200 an hour sis. I can kind of tell that this story might contain some physical or sexual abuse in the future (however it hasn't yet so I'll be optimistic) and I just can't get down with stories that have that in there as a redeemable quality y'know. I want to see the beast make some steps to change for himself and for her (coming to this conclusion on his own, not her forcing him to or anything like that because nothing is sexier than a man who chooses to go to therapy so his partner doesn't have to once they break up lol), not her having to convince him or be his salvation. I don't know, I just think as authors we have a duty to put out stories that spread good messages to our readers (esp since this type of book will have predominantly young female readers) about relationships and what love looks like. Queens, if he's acting like a beast, leave him, don't try to fix him.

Overall though, I think this is a good start! Good luck and thanks for sharing!

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Good!

I liked starting off with a fight scene. It can be a bit cliche, but it certainly gets the job done when wanting to pull readers in right away. I was a little confused by how the chapters were structured, but that may just be me. The story is also super super long, I would recommend maybe splitting it into two books to make it more palatable.

I didn't see many technical issues, so good job on that. As far as the plot goes, it's good, you definitely put a lot of effort into creating the world. I would have liked to have seen less info in the blurb since I think it gives too much away. I think all in all your style is a lot of telling instead of showing, and maybe that's because I'm used to writing and reading first person, but even in third person I would have liked to have seen us having to figure more things out about the characters through their actions/dialogue rather than them telling us or the narrator telling us. I did feel that some of the dialogue was robotic somewhat and didn't feel super natural at times.

Overall, I think it's a good start! Working on a bit of showing instead of telling and working on the dialogue would be good for the editing process. Good luck and thanks for sharing!

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Great!

I'll start with my praises first: I really like the language of the book. It certainly makes you feel like you're in a different world, maybe even time period, which fits the culty feel. I loved the names of the characters and they fit the story well and were super unique. Your writing style is good and I didn't see any grammatical errors or anything like that (at least that I noticed). The plot is interesting, maybe a bit slow at times, but original.

A few criticisms:

First, the disclaimer rubbed me the wrong way a little bit. As an agnostic, when I read it it felt like you were saying Christianity is the only truth in the world and it was very much geared towards not offending Christians... While kind of offending everyone else. I think since you describe them as a cult in the blurb people are going to assume the leader is full of shit (as cult leaders are) so I'm not sure if it's something you really need to include, especially since any non-Christian readers will be turned off by it. I almost didn't want to keep reading since it just left a sour taste in my mouth.

Secondly, I think some of your chapters are a bit long. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but on this platform, I think people are used to shorter chapters (2000-4000 words) so I'd maybe split up some of the longer ones. That's just me though, some people may like longer chaps

Lastly, I really really wish you would have started the book off with Selma totally believing everything the cult said. Based on my research of cults (I haven't dived in extensively, but I have read a lot/listened to a lot of podcasts about them) it takes a long long time for people to come out of the spell. There's a really famous example of The Seekers that psychologists wrote a book about called When Prophecy Fails where they coined the term cognitive dissonance. Essentially, a couple of researchers "joined" a UFO cult that believed aliens were coming on a certain day (some of the members included intelligent doctors, lawyers, normal people, etc) and then when the spaceship didn't come, they all kept believing the cult leader, even though she had been proved wrong. The psychological programming is REALLY strong in these types of cults, and usually members have to go through cult deprogramming therapy before they can recover from the ideals, and even that usually doesn't work. It's one of those things where once you're in, it's so so so hard to get out. This is for a couple of reasons: sunk cost fallacy, being born into the cult and that being all you know, being young and impressionable, fear tactics, starving/sleep deprivation strategies, using children/marriage against the person, using religious fear/sense of duty, etc etc. It's a really complicated phenomenon, and considering she grew up with it, something huge would have to happen for her to start doubting. I think it would have been cooler if you showed her 100% believing everything and then slowly starting to question (maybe after a large event?) and have her go back and forth and then she realizes it's a cult and wants to leave. I think that would be accurate to what really happens in cults. I would recommend reading about cults and the psychology behind it to better inform this, since I think that would make your already good plot even better and more engaging.

All in all, great job! Take my criticisms with a grain of salt since they're mostly my opinion not necessarily objective truths. Good luck!

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Very Good Plot!

Very original plot, I haven't read anything quite like this. Reminds me a bit of Shadowhunters, but with enough of a twist that it certainly is original. I usually don't like prologues since they're often unnecessary, but I actually really liked yours and thought it gave good context for the book. I'm not Christian nor have I ever read the Bible, so it was good backstory for me to understand what was going on since I wasn't super familiar.

Your style is very engaging, I like the pacing of the story as well. However, there are many grammar and spelling mistakes, as I'm sure you know, so a round of editing would be really helpful. Also, I'm pretty sure ministers are ordained not ordinated? I think if you've been ordained, you're an ordinate, but the actual process is being ordained. I'm not sure though, but ordinated just sounded strange to me so I'd check that out.

Overall, very interesting story and great idea! Your writing has great bones, I just think the grammar needs to be fleshed out more so it doesn't take away from the clear skill you have. Good luck and keep going!

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Speechless

I usually leave long reviews, but I just don't have much to say. This was great. I don't usually read erotica, and this type wouldn't normally be my cup of tea since I'm such a jealous/possessive lady I don't think I could do this, but it was hot. Really great smut writing, wasn't over the top of weird, got the heart racing. I also like the storyline, which I think a lot of eroticas miss, so I think that's something really cool about this book as well.

Great job!

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This is a Tough One

Okay... I wish I could give this a higher rating, but I couldn't make it past the first few chapters.

As a victim of intimate partner violence and rape, reading a book that depicts violence and rape as "hot" was hard. Rape is not fun, it's not hot, it's terrifying, disgusting, and damn near almost killed me. It's not something to be written into a steamy sex scene. A man who rapes and abuses his wife repeatedly is not a guy with some sexy dark qualities/mystery, he is the VILLAIN and needs to be cast as such. I understand the idea of still being in love in an abuser, hence why women stay (myself included, can't even tell you how many times I mad the "he'll change, he still cares, I still care" excuse), but I never saw anything of her being genuinely scared and effected by this or cutting loose and running when given the chance. It just seems she's tossed around between abusive men who assault her and we're supposed to root for them being together?

It just left a really sour taste in my mouth and was pretty triggering. If I ever mention rape or abuse in a book I'm writing, I frame it as nothing less than the traumatic, awful thing it is. Women, especially young women, are probably your main demographic for this book, so it's important to teach the value of consent in your writing rather than sexualize violence and rape. I don't know, that just deeply bothered me.

The writing is good, however. There were a few spelling and grammatical errors, nothing some editing couldn't fix. And I think the plot could be good, just not how it is now. I just think there needs to be some major changes to how these characters interact. I totally understand wanting to make Lucas potentially change and have a dark side, but you can give him a drinking problem, make him cheat, etc etc, but if you want him to be redeemable, you can't include rape or abuse (of any kind) and especially do not glorify/sexualize it. I think I've hammered in my point enough so I'll digress.

Overall, the writing is really good and intense, you have talent, I just think the plot needs to be reworked to be more suitable for a female audience. Sorry if this sounded harsh, it was just really triggering, not going to lie - and since I'm sure that was not your intention, I think it's something you should think about changing. If you'd like more information, I study violence against women and girls in college (it's what I'm framing my career around) so I can gladly give you some good resources and answer any questions.

Chin up and keep writing!

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Great!

When I read the description/saw the title/read the first chapter, I thought this would be a fantasy story. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, but that's definitly the vibe I get. I'm not really sure where the romance in this book lies since I'm not feeling it as much, but since this is a teen romance maybe I'm just not the demographic this is aimed at as far as the romance goes.

I think the writing style is really pretty, as I said it sounds like fantasy and has a very whimsical feel. Some of the words didn't really make sense and there are some grammar and punctuation errors. It feels almost as if the book was written in another language and then translated into English, so I think some of the translations were translated very literally, so I think some of that needs to be changed to sound more natural.

Overall, great work!

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Interesting Plot!

I thought the plot was pretty interesting, as a person who is majoring in psychology I thought what she said in the first chapter was pretty cool (I left a comment regarding this) and the story definitely takes a turn. I almost would have liked if you continued with a sort of "The Bell Jar" -esque story in the mental hospital, I think that plot has a lot of potential (giving me ideas haha!)

Though the grammar and stylistic errors are a bit hard to get through. I remember you mentioning when we agreed to do a review swap that English isn't your first language, so I don't want to be too harsh since I'm not sure what the writing would sound like in your native language (I find it so hard to criticize because I imagine if I wrote in Spanish or Italian I would not sound great but in English, I write fairly well). I would recommend potentially finding a Beta reader on here or maybe someone you know personally who can help edit this book because the errors are somewhat hard to get past, but it's not really your fault.

Also, for dialogue, I would recommend using quotation marks instead of the "-" because it looks more professional if you do it the standard way

Overall, great plot, I would love to read it when it's edited a bit more to evaluate the style

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Pretty Good!

I mean for an erotica book it checks all the boxes as far as a good-looking couple, a bit of a power dynamic, etc etc. There were a couple things plotwise that I wanted to touch on:

Dani I'm guessing is at leas 18 (since she has to be to work in a strip club, and if she serves drinks she has to be 21) so I'm a little confused as to why she talks as if she's much younger, like shes' 15 or 16. On top of that, Mr. Knight is much older and an adult, so she has to be 18 for it to be consensual (which again how consensual can a strip boss sleeping with his stripper really be... )

Which leads me to my next point. This is a delicate delicate matter. I spend my days studying violence against women and girls and unfortunately, many strippers are victims of sex trafficking and abuse from their bosses and patrons. It's a HUGE problem, especially since vulnerable populations likes young women and mothers are strippers (which I think might be more realistic to show that side of the work environment since y'know not everyone is going to be super young, most strippers are actually in their late twenties/thirties and are moms). So I think the idea of a super young, vulnerable teenager sleeping with her strip boss feels inherently a bit icky to me, but she is a consenting adult - but if I were you I'd make sure I was explicit with this kind of stuff. Make sure you make it CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR that she is not being pressured or threatened or any power dynamic being exploited because not having consent isn't sexy (as all we women know lol) - so just something to think about, yours seems fine though, it's just a tricky situation considering the history and current context of such interactions! But, this is fiction, so slight suspension of reality is implied.

Overall, good writing, maybe a bit more showing instead of telling. Not sure why everyone keeps bringing up that she's a virgin? Again, not sure how many people talk that way - so maybe bringing up that fact more casually rather than it being something somehow everyone knows and regularly talks about? Overal I just think the dialogue needs some work, but the overall writing is pretty good and I enjoyed the overall plot!

Keep up the good work!

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Really Great!

The plot is intriguing thusfar, although there's only two chapters so I can't speak to that much since it's still developing, but you've definitely set up a good storyline that could go in a couple different directions. Your style is great, too, I find the writing to be realistic for the protagonist. The grammar/spelling isn't great though, there are points where you have "u" instead of "you" and just some simple grammar stuff, so I'd suggest going through and editing those out. Also, there are points where you have huge walls of text that need to be broken up into smaller chunks to be a little more digestible.

Other than that, I really like the story thus far! I think you're very talented and certainly know how to write horror since Triston's story got my heart racing a little for sure. Excited to see what you say about my story, and keep up the good work!

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HOLY COW

As someone whose favorite movies are "Saw," "Sinister," and "The Sixth Sense" the blurb for this book was like a fever dream in the best way. I'll start with my criticisms though and then end with the positives:

There are a lot of grammatical errors here and punctuation as well. There are misplaced commas and quotation marks, sentences that could use some rearranging, and randomly capitalized letters/words. Overall, I definitely think this could use some editing as far as that goes because it's hard to get immersed in a story when your flow is being interrupted by these errors, so I think fixing that would do a lot of good.

I have mixed feelings about the prologue. On one hand, LOVE the intensity of the moment. I could actually feel my heart racing a little and my eyes widening, which is great. I think it's an excellent way to pull a reader in to keep reading and want to see what happens!!! However, this feels like the climax of your book and that's not something you want to give away in the first chapter!!! I have a feeling that it won't be as exciting or draw dropping when the moment does come later in the story since you already gave it away. I think the solution might be shortening it a bit, maybe not giving so much away? But I don't know because at the same time it is a REALLY great hook. That's just going to be up to you because if something about that final scene is even more draw-dropping then you should be fine and maybe the anticipation when the person is reading it again knowing it was at the beginning will be climax enough. Either way: just something to think about.

I think some of the dialogue, especially from the killer, is a little bit unrealistic? It sounds almost too robotic and not I don't know, there's just a quality to it that feels forced. I want a little more casualness and for the killer to have a specific voice - I'm not sure what that would be. Maybe they talk like a child? Maybe they have a deadpan tone that you can make come across? I'm not sure, but I think maybe developing that character to make sure he sounds real would make it even scarier. I almost WANT him to sound normal because when those we know and interact with every day are the ones who hurt us...oof that's scaryyyyy

Now to the positives: again, that prologue was incredible. One of the best uses of a prologue I've seen in a while on this platform, despite my misgivings about revealing too much (again, I'm not sure that's such a big deal if you play your cards right when you do write that scene). I just love the conflict it implies.

Again, the concept is great I mean talk about a really original, good idea! I even would like you to slow it down a bit, really delve into the inner thoughts and scene description. I want things to be slower pace when it's calm so that when the shoe drops you can pick up the pace of the writing and bring in that suspense and tension.

This is turning into a really long rambling review, so I'll end it by saying: Great job, excellent idea! Can't wait to see what you have to say about my story because you and I clearly share the same love of really fucked up thriller/horror

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Really Great!

You really have a great way of conveying emotion through words which is the kind of writing I like to consume/write myself! It's funny because I actually have a similar couple in my book (so when you read it it'll be fun to see the similarities ha!) so it was cool seeing that play out in another context and relationship dynamic. I am confused as to why Ayaan would have married her if she was like this at the start of their relationship unless he's got some really really intense savior complex, and if that were the case then I would expect him to be a bit more narcissistic... But this is just the psych major in me talking. I do like the plot but I gave it four stars because I'm hoping it picks up a bit? The story has been sort of one tone, super depressing thus far with no lift and I'm waiting for the thriller aspect to come in because right now this seems more like a romantic drama than a thriller, but maybe that'll be revealed in a later chapter? Either way, I think maybe adding some bits of respite would be helpful since this is really heavy and maybe giving the reader a little more to work with would be good. Your style is great though and I didn't notice any issues with grammar.

Can't wait to hear what you have to say about "Madhouse" since you clearly know what you're doing! Keep up the good work!

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Really Great!

I enjoyed the story, it reminded me a little of Shadowhunters when I read the blurb but then it certainly divulged from that which was cool. I found it a little difficult to keep track of all the different types of people and how it worked, so maybe some more explanation on that early on would help because I didn't quite grasp it. Your style is great and very detailed, and I like how you use dialogue to move the story along rather than just relying on narration - Those are always the best stories.

All in all, great job!

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Good Start

Let me start out by saying I've literally never come across a book with a plot like this - hence why I gave the plot five stars. It's very original, that's for sure. I'm not sure if this is something I would read outside of Inkitt (but that's one of the things I love about doing review swaps is it forces me to read things I never would have normally) but it's definitely a good concept. However, there are a lot of grammatical errors and I don't love the style. I think writing in a casual tone is good, especially when you have a young protagonist, but this is a classic example of telling rather than showing. The narrator is talking at the audience and telling things very literally, which is just not how people think. It makes me feel like this is all happening in the past tense and the narrator is orating it to me rather than me actually being in the story as if unfolds and getting in the protag's mind. I think fixing that to make it more immersive and adding more showing than telling would be good. Also, a round of editing would do you well as well - especially since there are huge walls of text that I think could use being broken up into smaller chunks to make it a bit more digestible.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think constructive criticism is the only way we get better! Keep up the good work!

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Great Concept!

I'll echo what others have said and say that this is a really great concept and I think the plot/characters are great. The chapters could be a little shorter and I'm not sure why there are only three chapters in this book, I think it might make more sense to just combine all the sequels together into one since it feels to short to be a stand-alone. Also, there were quite of a bit of grammar/punctuation mistakes so a round of editing would be good. There was also a point where you said "she nervously grips her hands anxiously" and so getting rid of the redundancy in some of the sentences would be good. Again, nothing a bit of editing can't catch.

Overall, really great suspense writing!

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Awesome!

As someone who is a sucker for werewolf books and has read a lot of them, I can honestly say this is a very original plot! That's no easy feat, so I commend you for that! I think your first chapter is especially strong as a means of pulling readers in, so great job on making a good hook! I do think some of the chapters are really short and that might be an indication that you could add more. I'm not sure what that would look like, or maybe just combining two chapters into one, but I felt like everything moved really quick cause I'd be done reading a chapter in just a couple of minutes. I think some of the later chapters fall off in quality (which I totally get because when I start a story I usually don't finish it by the time I start posting it here and so the pressure to finish rushes me and I end up putting out lower quality writing than I would have liked) so I think maybe going back and adding more to those later chapters. Maybe another conflict? Some more dialogue? Inner narration?

Overall though, really awesome story! I can't remember which of my books you added for the review swap, but since you clearly know the werewolf genre well please read "The Shadow Rogue" b/c I"d love to see what you think! I can't remember if that's the one you were going to review anyways, if that's the case then just ignore me haha

Great job and keep up the good work!

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Awesome!

Not the kind of story that I would usually read, but it was very engaged nonetheless! I really enjoyed how the language felt like that of another time which helped transport me to that era. The characters were interested and felt real and there was a great arc!

The only criticism I have is that some of the vocab seems almost too advanced, like you pulled out a thesaurus just to get big words in every sentence, which I think is something a lot of writers do. Sometimes the most simple word is the best, especially since you want your book to cater to wide audiences and not everyone has a large vocabulary. So I think unless it's necessary to the story/you want a certain sound, then I think you can change some of it to be a little less fancy. I don't know, that's just me though.

Overall, great job! Looking forward to what you think about my work!

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Needs Work

I think the plot is a trope I see often in books, but the idea of him being her long-lost friend is a bit of a twist on the general "get married to the mafia" plotline. However, I think the grammatical and stylistic errors take away a lot from your story. I'm not sure if this is because English is not your first language or if perhaps you're a younger writer, but I think getting someone from Inkitt to edit for you would be a great first step. It's hard to get immersed in the plot when I'm stumbling over these errors, and I think the story would flow and be much easier to get into to evaluate for the plot and characters if these errors were resolved. So, I'd try to find someone on Inkitt to do really intense editing for you and then go from there. I think it's a great start, though. Keep it up!

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Bro

This book did something to me and now I'm back to having unrealistic expectations of a future romantic partner ugh! Should I move to a small town??? Pack up and leave Boulder??? I digress.

Really great writing, great tension building - the best writing is the kind that MAKES you feel the way your characters are feeling, and you did that.

I do agree with a comment I saw that the story does move super fast and I don't think she would give up so much info about herself so quickly given what she's fleeing from. Also, and maybe this is just me, if I were alone in the middle of the night after a car broke down and a MAN came to help me I'd literally feel like I was about to be murdered like my mind would be racing like no other I'd have my pepper spray in hand, keys between my fingers, so I think it might be unrealistic that she'd be totally chill with him right away. However, I guess that's how Ted Bundy got everyone cause he was hot and people trust hot people so, maybe not so unrealistic.

My only other criticism is that I'm not sure if this is erotica. My definition of erotica (and admittedly it's a very subjective thing) is like graphic sex scenes ever/every other chapter. This strikes me more as a romance with some thriller/mystery that'll have some sex intermixed than anything else. LIke erotica to me is just written porn essentially, but, again, that's just my definition.

Either way, excellent writing! Can't wait to hear what you have to say about my writing since you're clearly very talented

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Great Start!

I think this is a really great start. The plot does move a little quickly for me and I think your style could benefit from more showing vs. telling. I want to find out things about the characters through their conversations and actions rather than being told it through narration because it's more real/organic that way. I think this is a great romance push and pull story, I'm not sure if I would say it falls under erotica though. Maybe that's because my definition of erotica is like graphic sex every/every other chapter whereas this feels more like a romance that has sex in it (which most romances do). That's not necessarily a criticism I'm just not sure I would have erotica as a genre (but the definition of erotica is pretty subjective so take that with a grain of salt). Either way, I think some editing is necessary for some of the grammatical stuff and fixing to do more showing vs telling, but beyond that I think the plot is great and very enticing!

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Excellent!

I don't usually read romance (although I love to write it) but this one is so so good! Your style is great and I love the pacing, it doesn't go so quickly that it feels unbelievable but it's not so slow that the reader becomes frustrated. I also like that there's some twists in there and the characters are realistic.

My only criticism is I wish you would have made Keegan maybe a tad bit older because and 18 year old with a 24-year-old just feels real icky and kind of predatory/exploitive and that ick feeling took away from the story for me. I don't even mind the 6 year age gap if they were 20 and 26. Also, considering that she's in the workforce and has a career going it doesn't make much sense that she's 18 because adults with a masters degree and years of work experience can barely get hired these days. Also, considering that Blue was in the Army for a long time, unless he was the stereotypical joins at 18 and stays four years to qualify for free college, it's not super important that he's 24 (and it might be good to add two extra years of service to really drill in the things he's seen, esp since the conflict with Afghanistan started in 2001 and only ended last year, so you have a good chunk of time to work with) I think just moving their ages up two years would make it a bit more realistic that she has a career and it'll make the age gap less creepy while still being able to emphasize that there is an age gap and have that be part of the storyline. That's just my two cents though

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Needs some development

There was one review that I particularly concur with (although I don't think I'm as critical as they were) that this story does progress VERY fast and you have a huge info dump in the first few chapters. I think the remedy to this is to do a bit more showing rather than telling. Don't have a whole chapter dedicated to her past, let us figure it out through what she thinks (maybe short moments of flashbacks indicated by italics) or things she discloses verbally to others. Slowing down the pace would be helpful, too. I think the idea that the story starts in a chase, but that scene does feel a bit rushed. I want to see it drawn out a little more, see it take a longer time for her to figure out what's going on. I think slowing down the pace, in general, would be helpful overall.

I think once you do those things then I would be able to evaluate other aspects of the story more clearly because the fact that it does move so quickly takes away from the characters and makes it harder to be immersed. It's like a roller coaster: you need to have moments of pause and slowing down to fully appreciate when the ride does drop or speed up. Can't have lows without highs and vice versa

Hope this helps!

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Good work!

I like the plot, although it is a bit to follow since there are a lot of characters and sometimes that can get a bit messy. There are a lot of grammar mistakes and you have large walls of text at some points, so I would try to break those up to make it a little easier to read. There was good mystery in there, and maybe slowing down the pace of the story would create a bit more suspense. Overall, it was good, I just think there needs to be some editing!

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Why just one chapter???

I feel like this is a really great idea that you need to flesh out more. It feels incomplete, like I"m still left with more questions than answers and would like to see more. Your style is great and so is your grammar, I just wish there was more of it. I think if you want to do a short story, then you maybe need to make it a bit longer so it feels more complete. Overall, it's a really great idea and beautiful writing (hence why I want more!)

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Great bones!

I like the plot of this story, although it is very similar to most other mafia themed stories I have read (but hey if it ain't broke, don't fix it!) and it is fast-paced, but some people like that. I think you do fall victim to the showing vs. telling in that you tell us exactly what's going on, what people are thinking, etc and I think maybe a bit more showing would be useful. Let us figure some things out about what the characters are feeling. There are many many grammatical and spelling errors that take away from the overall work, so I would fix that as soon as possible. You can use the free version of Grammarly to help with that, I use it for my writing and it's really helpful in catching the easy, small stuff! Overall, I think with some editing and reworking this could be excellent and five stars!

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Incredible

Honestly not sure why you have this on this platform, you could probably get this published somewhere it is that good. The plot is intriguing and very unique, the characters are intricate and dialogue realistic, the language is pretty without being pretentious - literally everything I'd want in a book. I honestly don't have any criticisms. Really amazing job!

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Excellent!

Really awesome prologue. I sometimes find that when authors include prologues in their stories they're cliche and usually unnecessary, but this one left me with all the right questions and wanting to understand more. I think this is very original, at least I haven't seen anything else like it out there. Your style is very good, the only negative comment I'd have about it is some of your vocabulary is almost too high-brow. You want your book to be for an average person, and it is tempting to add fancy words, but if the average person doesn't know what that word means, then don't include it. There were a couple of grammatical errors, but nothing a round of editing could catch - I'd suggest using Grammarly, it helps me out a lot and the free version is good. All in all, I really enjoyed!

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Interesting

If it were allowed I'd give the writing style 3.5 stars not 3, but alas can't give half stars. As far as the plot goes, I think it is original it just moves pretty quickly and is a little hard to follow since you introduce so much information all at once - I'd maybe try to spread it out a bit more so it's not so overwhelming. I love when stories throw you right into the action off the bat, so I enjoyed your first chapter a lot. As far as the style goes, I find the dialogue a little unrealistic. Even though it is a different world/time period, I just don't think people would talk like that so I understand wanting to have some difference to show that they are different species/in a different time, but I think it just needs to be a bit more casual and less dramatically dire if that makes sense. There were quite a few grammatical errors and some names were capitalized inconsistently, so I think some editing is needing for sure. I also noticed that all the verbs are in past tense, and I generally like it when stories are written in the present tense since it makes it more immersive, but that's a personal preference. Overall, I think the story has good bones - just needs a good round of editing. Keep it up!

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Very Good!

I really liked the plot and I think it's something I haven't seen before, which is always a good thing. Your style is unique and thoughtful and you have a very nice vocabulary which adds to the futuristic kind of vibe. The two main critiques/suggestions I have are 1) I think you need to consolidate some chapters. When I look at a book and see that it's 131 chapters long it makes me want to immediately skip it without even looking at the blurb since, unless it's Stephen King, I just don't want to read something that long. When I actually opened it I realized the chapters are very short, but people aren't going to know that if they just skip it over by looking at the sheer number. I'd try to put two accounts in each chapter that way you can cut the count in half and it'll appear less daunting.

The second critique I have is I like that this is telling the story retrospectively, but I personally don't like books written in the past tense. It makes me feel like I'm not actually experiencing the story. If it were me, I'd keep the prologue the same introducing that this is all something that happened in the past, and then have the actual events be in present tense, like it's happening at that moment. Write it like you would write another other story happening in real time, but then maybe add some retrospective commentary almost like a journal entry. That's just a personal preference though, I'm not sure how many people would agree with me on that.

Beyond that, there are a few grammatical errors, for example you wouldn't say a "six feet lightening bolt" you'd say "six foot lightening bolt," and since that's a pretty integral part of your story I think that'd be important to change (especially in your blurb since that's what people use to decide if they want to read your story)

All in all, I think it has good bones and just needs a bit of rearranging as far as formatting goes, but the plot itself is very original.

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Really Good!

There were some minor mistakes as far as grammar/spelling goes, but just proofreading should be able to fi that. I would have liked to have seen maybe more defined paragraphs rather than each sentence sort of being in its own line, and I think having a space between each paragraph break is helpful just for ease of reading/aesthetic pleasure. As far as the plot goes, I think it's really great! I'll agree with a comment I saw on the first chapter that I don't necessarily love starting with a foreshadowing sequence, and I agree that we don't know the character well enough in the beginning to really sympathize for the grandmother's death if you even just waited till the next chapter. One other thing, is I see a lot of telling instead of showing in this book (which everyone struggles with tbh), so I think having dialogue and the character's actions tell us more than the narrator just saying something like "she was angry". Overall, great story!

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Good!

I'm not sure what the plot of this book is going to be yet, since it's only chapter five as of this review, and I can't really tell where it's going. I think the characters are likable and I'm glad you didn't put in an almost recap of the last book in the second one through dialogue or narration (I see that a lot in sequels and always thinks it's strange since the characters don't know it's the sequel lol), so I appreciate that. I think there are some problems with slipping to past tense when you should be writing in the present tense, but that happens to everybody. There are a couple word choice and grammar mistakes that Grammarly would help you a lot with, so I'd recommend getting the basic version (it's free) or you can buy the premium version (I have that and it helps a lot with editing)

All in all, good job!

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Good Start

I can see where the plot is going, although this trope is used a lot in romance books so I'm hoping you add a twist to make it more unique/original; but since it's only five chapters in I can't really tell. The narration needs to be fixed a little, I think the narration is a little too casual, but then again everyone's inner dialogue sounds different, so it might work if you clean up the verb tenses a bit. You write in the past tense when the book occurs in the present, which makes it strange to read because it sounds like everything is happening in the past - So I think that's a really important thing to fix so the plot can be appreciated more.

Good work!

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Good!

I've never read a story like this, and I was pleasantly surprised with how much I enjoyed the plot. I think Algea is well developed and the plot is very interesting.

My main critique is that you use past tense verbs when the story is happening in the present. For example, instead of writing "I hated barbecue" it should be "I hate barbecue"; this way the story is more immersive because it's happening as the reader reads rather than in the past.

If you fix that then this story will be even better than it already is! Good job!

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Good Start!

I think the plot is a good idea, although somewhat overused in workplace romance stories. I like the incorporation of the Slavic language, but one thing I thought was strange is the characters are adult professionals in the workplace and they speak/think as if they are teenagers. I think the narration and the dialogue needs to be more true to the age of the characters and setting the conversations are taking place in, just to make it more realistic. That made it somewhat hard to read for me since I just couldn't get myself into it in that way.

Other than that, I did like the story I just think that part needs to be edited.

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Great Start!

I really like the plot, albeit it is a somewhat overused trope, but then again if it ain't broke don't fix it. I won't comment much on the grammatical/spelling issues since I'm sure you're already aware of those (and I'd recommend Grammarly to help you, I use it and it works AMAZING. I have the premium version, but the basic version that is free helps a lot with commas and spelling mistakes so that'll be good enough).

My only other criticism that I don't think I've seen from other people is that you write the entire story in past tense, even though stories occur in the present. To create an immersive experience, you need to make the reader feel like they're watching as the events are unfolding; hence why it's important to use the present tense. Obviously, if the character is thinking/talking about something that happened in the past then use the past tense, but for the rest of the story use present. (Ex: instead of "I sat in the chair" say "I sit in the chair")

Good luck and hope this helps!

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Great Start!

I'm reviewing this at Chapter 1, so I'm not sure how the rest of the story/characters will develop. From what I read, you are a very talented writer who is great at action sequences. I was honestly a little confused as to what was going on with that trashcan, so maybe some more explanation is needed as to what was happening with all this futuristic technology, but perhaps you'll be explaining that in future chapters. The characters are interesting and I can sense perhaps a little romance brewing, but we shall see. I think this is a great start and if the story continues this way then this is a five star for sure!

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Good Start

I like the idea of the story, and I like that you've put enough of a twist on it to make the "mates don't like each other at first but then do" a unique idea; since a lot of werewolf stories I see like that don't have much else to the plot besides that. There were a couple of issues I noticed. Firstly, I think you should have actual chapter names rather than having them named after whose POV it is (you can just put that in bold at the top of the chapter when the POV switches), because having a chapter name is something that is important when publishing a book and for people to have just a little teaser of what that chapter will be about before they read it.

Also, as far as style goes, you write a lot in the past tense when the story is occurring in the present, so I think it'd be beneficial to go back and change those verbs to be present rather than past tense. Also, some of your paragraphs can get a little long, so it would be a good idea to break some of them up into two or just shorten a few of them of anything unnecessary just for aesthetic/readability purposes.

All in all, good work!

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Great Work!

I really like the plot, I think it's unique and not at all like other stories I've read in the past within the fantasy genre. I like that you include elements of other genres as well (romance, action, a bit of mystery/suspense. I think your characters are interesting + three dimensional. My only critique is the writing style needs a little bit of work. You write a lot in past tense when the story is happening in the present, so I think that'd be something worth going back and changing. I also think some of your paragraphs can get a little long, so separating them or just shortening them would be helpful just for aesthetic/readability reasons.

All in all, great job!

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Excellent!

This story was captivating and extremely well written. There weren't many grammatical errors or problems with style. My only pointer would be to try to write in present tense rather than past tense; you seem to slip in and out of it (I have the same problem, so I feel you on that, I think people tend to revert back to that because a lot of school writing is in the past tense)

I always get a little worried when rape and violence are in romance books, because as a victim of rape and intimate partner violence myself I hate seeing women fall in love/stay with men who rape or beat them; its not a good message to send. I also hate when romance books have a raped and abused women be saved by the hero love interest (cause that's not what happens in real life) and I think you've handled that topic very well. I like that the rape and violence is more of a peripheral plot point rather than directly within Grayson and Elenor's relationship, although they do allude to Grayson hitting her (but I guess that's just the time period, but as a writer its important to be cognizant of your audience and the message being sent when you're writing about relationships if that makes sense) but I think you're doing very well with the subject and have handled it well.

All in all, this is a great read and you should be very proud of your work!

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Editing Needed

I think the plot is good, but I am having a hard time immersing myself in the story because of the grammatical/punctuation errors. I'd recommend using Grammarly, it's a really fast and easy way to fix these kinds of issues and the basic version is free. Throughout reading the story I was a little confused as to whose POV is whose and what exactly was going on, but I caught on eventually - So maybe a little more clarity on that is needed?

Otherwise, I think the bones of this story is good, just some editing is needed so that readers can really appreciate the plot.

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Good, but Needs Editing

The main probelm this story has is the grammatical errors; they make it hard to read, but you premise the story stating you're working on it so it's good you have it under control. I'd recommend using Grammarly, the basic version will help make the editing process much quicker and easier for you, but I think the premium version would do a lot to help you with some of the formatting/sentence structure issues/fluency issues. Either version you choose, I think it'll help you a lot.

That being said, I think this plot for werewolf stories is common, so I'm hoping to see some twists that give the story some more originality. That being said, this type of plot is common in werewolf books for a reason; so if it ain't broke maybe don't fix it?

I think this story has the potential to be very good if you can fix the technical stuff, but every writer goes through an awkward transition from beginner to experienced, so don't give up!

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Good, but Needs Work

Since I'm reviewing this pretty early into the story, the plot hasn't been fully developed yet, but I can see some problems that are bound to arise. I think you have too many main characters. I used to write a lot of 5sos fanfiction when I was younger, so I'd have stories with eight characters and they're just so difficult to manage. I've learned through writing fanfiction that it's best to keep the main character list down to maybe two or three unless it's absolutely necessary (ex: The Stand by Stephen King; he had around I think 6 main characters in that book and it's because they were all in different spots throughout the country when a deadly plague broke out; that book was also 1100 pages long lol; longer than It), so I think maybe you should slim the character number down and really only focus on one person and have the other women as supporting characters and maybe get rid of two of them altogether. Too many characters can lead to a lot of characters written okay, but if you just focus on one or two then those one or two character will be written very well. Quality over quantity.

That's really my only criticism, but obviously that's just my opinion and you know your story best, but I'd take it into account because it can cause problems, deeper into the story especially.

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Really Good

I really love the plot and I love that the main character is a strong, confident female. A lot of werewolf stories depict the female character as feeble, broken and in need of saving by the strong Alpha, which is definitely not how this story is. I love that! My only problem, and the reason I gave this four instead of five stars, is that this story is written entirely in past tense. Even from third person, a story is happening in the present (unless you're talking about past events) and so it should be written in present tense. When an entire book is written in the past it doesn't feel as immersive; I want to feel like this is happening in front of me rather than behind me, if that makes sense? Also, when you write everything in past tense it's hard to distinguish what's really happening in the present and when you are explaining something that happened in the past for the characters. Lots of writers default to past tense and this is a super common problem I see, and thankfully it's easily fixed! If you fix that, this story will for sure be a five star!

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Good Bones, but Needs Work

I think your idea is great. This reads to me like a dream/daydream you had and decided to turn into a book, which is honestly where some of the best ideas come from. Maybe you imagined just one scene from the book in your dream and were like "huh, that'd be kinda cool in a book" and I love that this book has that almost dream-like quality to it; but maybe that's just me.

Problem is, the grammar/style take away from that dream-like state. The dialogue is pretty robotic and not very human-sounding; which makes it a little hard to read. Especially for a romance book where romantic, eloquent language helps create that sort of tone. Also, you only write in past tense; if a book is happening in the present then write using the present tense. When everything is in past tense it sounds choppy and non-immersive.

So, all in all, I think you have one of the most important parts of the story writing process perfected; which is the idea (hence why the story has good bones), but I think some work needs to be put into making that idea a reality. Something that really helps me is Grammarly; I bought the premium version which helps with passive/active voice, word choice, tense, etc; but the basic version (which is free) is a great start that will help with punctuation and basic grammar and a little bit of word choice/vocabulary.

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Really Good!

I really like your style and there weren't many grammar or punctuation errors which is great! My only criticism is that with a lot of stories there's a struggle between when to start revealing the plot or certain secrets or have some sort of long awaited thing happen. With most books I read they do these things too fast and reveal too much too soon or have characters instantly fall in love. With this story I found it almost happening too slow... I'm a fan of a good build up, but I think that in order to keep readers interested you need to maybe speed things up a little bit cause I found myself wanting to skip chapters to get to "the good stuff" y'know? So I think maybe speeding it up a little bit would be beneficial. Otherwise, the story is great and I really love your style and the complexity of your characters!

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Amazing!

I love the plot and I am so excited to read what comes next! Only criticism is that there are a lot of grammar/word choice mistakes, but with some editing or a Beta Reader those can be easily fixed! Great job and I can't wait to see what happens!

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AMAZING

I made the mistake of reading this before bed... Looks like I'll have to watch some cute puppy videos now. The writing is amazing, the plot is intriguing, and the character seems to have depth and complexity. I'm really excited to see where things go!

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Really Great!

I really liked this book! It had a great plot and kept me interested the whole time and there weren't very many grammar or spelling errors! Only criticism is you use a lot of simple sentence starters and so it becomes somewhat monotonous, so I would have liked to see a little more variety in sentence structure. Besides that, great job!

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Amazing!

Wow! First of all, great plot! The writing is amazing and very captivating and the characters are likable and complex. Your style is great and kept me engaged through ever chapter. I can't wait to see what happens next! I've never read a story quite like this so I'm excited. Also, there weren't any grammar/spelling errors that I saw which is great! Keep up the good work!

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Very Intrigued!

Hi! I have to say I really like the idea of this story and the first chapter really hooked me! I think if you went more into depth about the character's feelings then it'd be even better, and I was slightly confused as to why from Jax's POV it's always "the boy____" while when it's Oliver's POV it's "I____" but I kinda like the contrast :)

All in all, I think it's a really great story and definitely a great starting point!

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As of Right Now, I Enjoy

Okay, I'm writing this review as of chapter 6. I wasn't sure what to rate this story because technically speaking the writing is great. You're talented, and the plot is enthralling I just... Am having a bit of an issue.

I think someone already bought up in the comments that there seems to be a predatory/stomach-sickening relationship between the characters when he is making out with her as a teen while she is a child. Also, he raped her. He literally raped her. I've been raped and I know what it feels like to be around your abuser because I had to have classes with mine for the four years we were in high school together. I sat one seat away from him in chemistry class a little less than a year after it happened; it's traumatizing and it took me till even now to recover (albeit, the process is going to last me a lifetime - rape isn't something a person ever forgets). Hence why this plot and the way it can go worries me. I hate books that depict a woman falling in love with a man who rapes her. That's abuse not love, and I surely hope that's not where this is heading, because that's just a bad message to send to young victims and to young men. Romanticizing rape and abuse is never okay, and so I hope that's not where the story is headed, but since it's only six chapters in I can't exactly tell. If that is where you're planning on taking the story, I'd maybe reconsider - as writers we are accountable for the messages we send in our story, and sexualizing rapists/abusers isn't a good message to send; and that's coming from a victim. It hurts to see that kind of stuff out there because my experience was harrowing, not sexy, and women should be empowered to leave their abusers rather than think they should fall in love with them because they can "change them". I'm on a soap box right now, so I'll get off because I think you understand my point.

So, hopefully, a different love interest comes into play for Emmerson (although, falling in love with another man won't solve her problems; at the end of the day she needs to rescue herself, not a man rescuing her; which is another trope in books involving rape that makes my stomach twinge a little since I thought all my problems would be solved if I could just get a man to love me... Guess how that worked out? lol) Anyways, just keep that in mind. Survivors are important to keep in mind when writing about these things, so just be cognizant of the message you're sending and hopefully, that's the way this story is heading! As a survivor, I love seeing stories that have some representation of my story in them - But when it's told in the way it actually happens and gives a healthy depiction of recovery (and since realistically a lot of people do unhealthy things to solve their problems (like me when I initially tried to fix my abuser + stayed with him for months), then have those unhealthy things have the negative consequences (like me when he never changed and the abuse escalated) they have in real life; if that makes sense?) I'll stop now, so if you have any questions feel free to ask!

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Review

Okay, well, this isn't really my genre (I'm 16, so if my parents found out I was reading erotica I'd be grounded for a year), though sometimes I read fanfiction smut (though they're usually pretty short even if some are graphic), so a whole book with a sort of 50 Shades feel was a little weird for me, but I'm sure for people who really like this kind of erotica this is really good! I like the plot, it's intriguing and I like how you added the twist of her past instead of just having the cliche submissive girl with dominant business guy.

All in all I thought it was good, just I had to skip some parts

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