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Overall Rating
Writing Style
Grammar Punctuation

Needs work

The author has the right instincts, but the writing is very rough. I like the fact that she starts in the middle of the action and lets the explanations of the background and the scene come through as the reader needs them. However, there are many grammatical mistakes and much unfluid writing that is jarring to the reader. These are the sorts of things that she will no doubt pick up when she makes a careful edit, but why hasn't she made the careful edit before presenting this to the reader? There are also many unneeded phrases and adjectives. The overall effect makes the reader feel that he is not in the hands of a competent storyteller.

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