TheRealMcCo

Surprising!

I really liked this story! The plot was interesting, and although I figured out what was happening to the main character before the story's end, a single line of dialogue near that ending put a great twist on already dark events. My only criticism is that the story does seem a little rushed in places. If the author took more time and added more description, this could easily be expanded into a longer work. Definitely worth the read!

Just Awkward...

The plot seems contrived and there's too much "telling" vs. "showing" in the story. So much, in fact, I knew what was coming without having to read all that far ahead. The MC is also thoroughly unlikeable, not only seeming to revel in the fact that his wife is dead, but even exhibiting an ill-advised attraction to at least one of the investigators.

The dialogue is quite clunky at times, which isn't helped by poor word choices, ham-handed descriptions, and instances of head hopping. What follows is one example: "You don't seem very sad about your wife's death, Winter." Jase stated, inching his chair closer to the glass table, as Xavier gave him a lopsided grin, smoking away. When he glanced back at Jase, his expression was unreadable, and he had this dangerous glimmer in his eyes which would let you know that this particular man should be avoided.

A good rule of thumb is to pick a character POV and stick with it, at least through the chapter. Switching in the middle of a sentence or even paragraph to paragraph is just too confusing, and made even more jarring with the insertion of the second person pronoun.