A Good Start for a First Draft
I'm not going to apologize for the following review. My goal is not to candy coat this, or suggest your work here is done.
Read the story now
My first impression is that you were in a hurry to get your thoughts onto the proverbial paper. This feels rushed, and I found myself reading between past and present tense in parts, and it was a little jarring.
I see you want to touch your reader's hearts, and I admire and commend you for your efforts. I think you rely very heavily on exposition, when it would be better to show than tell. The old cliché reminds us: write with a camera lens.
Write like you see it, so we too can see it.
The further I read into this piece, the more I understood this is a first draft. That's a good thing. You've got your ideas down, and it's close too time you should start honing, and polishing your work. I took the liberty of marking the parts I felt could use improving. They should be in your personal E-Mail via Inkitt support.
You have a lot of good ideas, and I like your storyline. I think it has a lot of editing work that needs doing. Heed the comments from me, and others on the structure of your work, and sharpen your technical writing skills. Grammer matters, punctuation matters, and format matters. Naturally flowing dialogue matters. Now that you've got this posted, it is time for revisions.
I've no complaints against the story itself, I just believe you should balance the pacing. Sharpening skill in your craft will insure a clearer, smoother and better communication from your story to your readers.
As you polish this work, and refine it, I'll keep reading and returning, and raising your review stars.
You have a good start. I look forward to seeing this piece in it's final for.