Andrew Halliwell

Overall Rating
Writing Style
Grammar & Punctuation


The story itself…

I like it. In fact, I was disappointed when I got to 15 and realised I’d hit the buffers.

I won’t go through a whole deconstruction and detailed review with yours ‘cos I can’t find anything to pick holes in apart from the odd spelling and grammer mistake, so I’ll just highlight those for you.

OK, just one hole…

This is first person very limited point of view… his point of view…

So if Boniface never told him, and no-one else at the monastery told him… How does he know about the pest control problem no longer being a problem? If no-one ever mentioned it, it would likely never cross his mind to even think about it, let alone mention it. Maybe mention it in front of him, but whispered conversations he’d overheard…

It’s pretty much frowned upon to have the same word repeated close together… Like in the line about monasteries being old buildings. You have lit and lit very close, in the same sentence…

Illuminated and lit might be better, or just leave off the last half. After all, if the candles weren’t lit by the brothers, who would light them?

“The morning I had been brought in” feels a little stilted unless you’re Lieutenant Data. “The morning I’d been brought in...” Think it flows a little better, feels more natural too. I’ve caught myself doing that first draft but I go through mine quite a bit and try to contract things as much as possible later.

Again, stuff and stuff… It’d be a little more colourful too if you had them dodging carcases rather than just, heavier stuff… :)

Whole slew of profanities that I had yet to grasp hold on yet… Redundant repetition. :)
Safe to lose that last yet.

With that, father Gregory swept me up into his arms and strut

Should be strutted.

Chapter one…

Strand of her hair… should be strands… I’m not sure grazed is a good word. I tend to think of a grazed knee rather than a brush or caress…

Little redundancy… reached out a hand to touch me… Reached out to touch me… After all, what else would she reach out with? Besides, he says it’s her hand in the next line.

Chapter two.
I think it’s a mistake, only dropping the bomb that he’s twenty-three so late in the tale. I was picturing a boy or teenager until you said twenty years ago there when they were talking at the start of chapter one. Does jar you out of the story a little. No indication of time until then.

Is PETA2 a thing or a typo? I’ve heard of PETA but I didn’t know they’d founded a sequel.
I think tumbled to the floor is better than flew to the ground for the books in Boniface’s office. Ground tends to be outside after all and flew implies they travelled a fair distance across the room.

I’d go with “started to shake” and later maybe, “instantly settled down, replaced with an eerie stillness.” when she touched his cheeks, rather than… the room stood incredibly still.

“Even the serpent for which you’re named for…” sounds clunky…

Even the serpent after which you’re named…

To get rid of the next after, perhaps… “It was a little tacky she’d done her research into my name…”

I’ll continue with the rest in a bit. Sorry it took so long, I had other things to do and wanted to read it to the end before commenting.

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