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Anthony Chiles
Los Angeles, California
My aim is to create stories that elicit emotion, trigger self-reflection, and inspire growth. I enjoy anime, UFC, economics, psychology, hip-hop, and meditation...I'm all over the map.
Strong Start
Great start!
The sensory details about the lead character is really good. Seeing more details of the setting would add additional color to the story.
The sequence of events was clear, and created a lot of good questions that made me want to keep reading: Why does he have stomach pain? What's in the diary? The thing that took me out of the story was not being certain about the motivation of the focal character.
Grammar will improve with rewrites, but make sure to pay close attention to phrasing (which words goes before or after another).
